This guy is probably bad news what do I do?

[daizy]

Not experienced with guys so would really appreciate some input. So a few months ago I break up with my long term BF which I really felt was the right thing to do, no regrets. Then a month later this guy I kind of know hits me up, and eventually we start hanging out and hook up, it was supposed to be all light hearted and fun in my head.

 

I find out through friends and then him that he's looking for something more like a commitment or his words "a wifey" and I say I'm not really ready for that. The thing about him is he's not my usual type, he's kind of like... a "bad guy"/"player" and a big flirt. He's really outgoing and wild which is what drew me to him but I don't know if I could actually trust him in a relationship, and I wouldn't exactly call him BF material.

 

I'm really comfortable with him though and he's been for the most part all but nice to me and seems to want to take this really seriously but I just have a feeling it won't be easy with him. We're both 21, he's really immature, and doesn't really have goals or ambitions just loafts around, but his dad past away so I feel for him. Aside from that he'll do things here and there that make me jealous / hurt, and I don't like feeling that obviously. I

 

t's stupid things like his wild past or I guess his flirty personality and I try to just let it go but I don't think I can handle much of that. I thought seeing someone without being serious was possible but I was wrong. Or maybe I'm doing it wrong. I really enjoy the physical aspects of it, the passion is all there I love it. I just wish he didn't have to make it this serious thing.

 

Maybe I'm just being stupid and put myself in this situation. Is it best to just cut him off and move on? Anyone know how to deal this sort of thing?

Edited January 31, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TaraMaiden]

You're both far too young to be thinking about commitment, long-term relationships or 'wifey' things.

And yes, he is less emotionally/mentally mature than you are, and yes, that's biology, not sexism.

It's just the way brains and the associated mentalities, develop.

 

I know the 'you're too young' comment sounds patronising, but I made the huge mistake of agreeing to marry someone at that age, and even after all these years it's still a regret, because I simply was neither ready or able to make that commitment.

Ridiculous, so much of life to enjoy.

 

Either stay with him, but make it clear you're not into heavy commitment and a serious, focussed relationship - or end it, and hang loose.

[JessieJ08]

Ok first dont even think about starting anything serious with this guy specially if you know and have seen he is a player. Not only is it a RED FLAG that he all of sudden wants to be serious with someone considering he has already hooked up with you it says he is just trying to keep you on his team. He can tell your the type he would need to be exclusive with to get you to do whatever he wants. I have seen this too many times from the player types. Shoot I fell for that crap once and I regret it. I would suggest a girl run if an ex player all of a sudden wants to make you his "Wife" he wants to control you the way he has all the other girls he laid to bed I'm guessing you can see thru most his crap and prob even call him out on a lot of it. That presents to him your a challenge.

 

Not only that you said he was Nice Yea these guys always play nice to get what they want but truly they are not NICE its all an act. I'm sure if you look at a lot females this guy has been with they have most been desperate females for a man types meaning for whatever reason these girls can't get men. Therefore any guy almost every guy that comes into these females lives is considered her world, she would do anything for this guy who out right disrespects her and treats her like crap.

 

Another thing he is using the word Wifey really can I point out the fact that any guy who uses this word does not take marriage serious, A wife is a serious thing so is a husband. He is so good at the game he has went and told your friends of course he has to go thru them he knows you will listen to them and friends well all they have to hear is Oh I really like her and the words serious and they will want you to give the dude a chance specially if he is nice. They only see the surface not the full picture I know I was 21 once and we thought this way but when it comes to choosing a serious partner you learn its got to be your choice don't let anyone else influence you or you may end up with someone not good for you.

 

Another thing you have already slept together so do you really think he will want to stop having sex for awhile so you can get to know each other a lot more. I would ask him honestly and if he says or tries to turn it back to we have already done it why does it matter there is your answer he is not serious about you and doesn't want to get to know you so you can have this serous relationship nor is he really trying to change from being a player. Good Luck

[daizy]

Ok first dont even think about starting anything serious with this guy specially if you know and have seen he is a player. Not only is it a RED FLAG that he all of sudden wants to be serious with someone considering he has already hooked up with you it says he is just trying to keep you on his team. He can tell your the type he would need to be exclusive with to get you to do whatever he wants. I have seen this too many times from the player types. Shoot I fell for that crap once and I regret it. I would suggest a girl run if an ex player all of a sudden wants to make you his "Wife" he wants to control you the way he has all the other girls he laid to bed I'm guessing you can see thru most his crap and prob even call him out on a lot of it. That presents to him your a challenge.

 

Not only that you said he was Nice Yea these guys always play nice to get what they want but truly they are not NICE its all an act. I'm sure if you look at a lot females this guy has been with they have most been desperate females for a man types meaning for whatever reason these girls can't get men. Therefore any guy almost every guy that comes into these females lives is considered her world, she would do anything for this guy who out right disrespects her and treats her like crap.

 

Another thing he is using the word Wifey really can I point out the fact that any guy who uses this word does not take marriage serious, A wife is a serious thing so is a husband. He is so good at the game he has went and told your friends of course he has to go thru them he knows you will listen to them and friends well all they have to hear is Oh I really like her and the words serious and they will want you to give the dude a chance specially if he is nice. They only see the surface not the full picture I know I was 21 once and we thought this way but when it comes to choosing a serious partner you learn its got to be your choice don't let anyone else influence you or you may end up with someone not good for you.

 

Another thing you have already slept together so do you really think he will want to stop having sex for awhile so you can get to know each other a lot more. I would ask him honestly and if he says or tries to turn it back to we have already done it why does it matter there is your answer he is not serious about you and doesn't want to get to know you so you can have this serous relationship nor is he really trying to change from being a player. Good Luck

 

Great points thanks! I'm just annoyed because I knew what I was getting into from the start and I wasn't taking him seriously. I thought for sure we wouldn't keep in touch after a couple hook ups but we are and it's fun, but I never wanted to make it exclusive or public but he ended up doing that himself which threw me off. he's making it harder to just keep it casual when that's all I wanted in the beginning. But he definitely thinks I'm the nice girl and probably doesn't think I would want something simply casual.

[daizy]

You're both far too young to be thinking about commitment, long-term relationships or 'wifey' things.

And yes, he is less emotionally/mentally mature than you are, and yes, that's biology, not sexism.

It's just the way brains and the associated mentalities, develop.

 

I know the 'you're too young' comment sounds patronising, but I made the huge mistake of agreeing to marry someone at that age, and even after all these years it's still a regret, because I simply was neither ready or able to make that commitment.

Ridiculous, so much of life to enjoy.

 

Either stay with him, but make it clear you're not into heavy commitment and a serious, focussed relationship - or end it, and hang loose.

 

No worries, I know I'm young. I never understand my friends who look for the "one" at this age. But anyways.. I never wanted a long term commitment with him, and I want to tell him to keep it casual, but at the same time I don't want to be just dropped when he decides he's done. But I guess that's the risk in it right?

[TaraMaiden]

Hang on... YOU'RE the one who wants to 'keep it casual' - but you don't want HIM to drop YOU when he's 'done'?

 

Are you implying therefore that you don't want to get serious, and that furthermore, you want to be the one who decides when you have had enough?

 

Or am I not getting something, here....?

[daizy]

Hang on... YOU'RE the one who wants to 'keep it casual' - but you don't want HIM to drop YOU when he's 'done'?

 

Are you implying therefore that you don't want to get serious, and that furthermore, you want to be the one who decides when you have had enough?

 

Or am I not getting something, here....?

 

Ok that came off wrong. I'm a nice person, I don't just drop them. I believe in making bonds with people and investing time with them ect... and having respect for eachother vice verca. But I have this weird feeling/afraid that he would just drop me out of the blue, but no I'm not saying I want to be the one "to decide when it's over". Does that make sense.....? I want to keep it casual but be communicative... not make the whole thing a guessing game. I probably make no sense.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm reminded of the famous, oft-quoted phrase Judge Judy keeps spewing:

 

"If it doesn't make any sense, it probably isn't true!"

 

I think perhaps this may be a good opportunity to sit back and think about what it is you really want from a relationship, right now, at this point in your life - and whether this is the guy to share it with.

 

Is he on the same plane, ideals-wise?

Do you meet, cerebrally, and look forward to the same things?

Are your emotional goals similar?

Is this relationship 'nourishing you' in ways you're both content with?

Or are you actually 'using' each other until something "better" comes along?

 

There's nothing wrong with that - providing you're both open, clear and honest about it, with yourselves, AND one another...you see....?

[Grumpybutfun]

I learned a very important lesson in the ninth grade when Suzy decided that because I asked her to a dance that I was her bf and one day we would get married. After it became clear that I just asked her to a dance....There was much sobbing and dramatic screaming, but I thought you loved me......

Lesson...always make your intentions clear from the beginning. You should have told him you just got out of a serious LTR and you needed a FWBs. Sometimes we assume because someone is a bad boy or in Suzy's case a popular cheerleader that they have no interest or delusional issues...we find we shouldn't assume things.

No, let him go nicely. Your intentions and his do not correlate.

Best,

Grumps

[daizy]

I learned a very important lesson in the ninth grade when Suzy decided that because I asked her to a dance that I was her bf and one day we would get married. After it became clear that I just asked her to a dance....There was much sobbing and dramatic screaming, but I thought you loved me......

Lesson...always make your intentions clear from the beginning. You should have told him you just got out of a serious LTR and you needed a FWBs. Sometimes we assume because someone is a bad boy or in Suzy's case a popular cheerleader that they have no interest or delusional issues...we find we shouldn't assume things.

No, let him go nicely. Your intentions and his do not correlate.

Best,

Grumps

 

I did tell him I just came out of a serious LTR, and then he told me he was looking for a relationship, and I said I wasn't ready to date. So when we proceeded to hook up the first time I thought it was clear, until he started bringing up relationship conversations and wanting to take me out on dates. I went with the flow of things..

[daizy]

I learned a very important lesson in the ninth grade when Suzy decided that because I asked her to a dance that I was her bf and one day we would get married. After it became clear that I just asked her to a dance....There was much sobbing and dramatic screaming, but I thought you loved me......

Lesson...always make your intentions clear from the beginning. You should have told him you just got out of a serious LTR and you needed a FWBs. Sometimes we assume because someone is a bad boy or in Suzy's case a popular cheerleader that they have no interest or delusional issues...we find we shouldn't assume things.

No, let him go nicely. Your intentions and his do not correlate.

Best,

Grumps

 

I shouldn't of assumed that about him I guess.

[ktya]

Guys, like women are complex creatures.

 

We love to bang the trashy slutty chick but have no intention whatsoever of ever marrying them, even if they profess and promise to kiss our feet each and every morning and hang on our every word.

 

We want to marry the good girl that you can bring home to mom and make her proud. The woman we feel ok with raising our kids and interacting in our social circles.

 

This guy obviously thinks you are the latter. He was Mr. Playboy with the former.

 

Just go with the flow if it gets too heavy then tell him to slow down.

[RedRobin]

Another thing he is using the word Wifey really can I point out the fact that any guy who uses this word does not take marriage serious, A wife is a serious thing so is a husband. He is so good at the game he has went and told your friends of course he has to go thru them he knows you will listen to them and friends well all they have to hear is Oh I really like her and the words serious and they will want you to give the dude a chance specially if he is nice.

 

Another thing you have already slept together so do you really think he will want to stop having sex for awhile so you can get to know each other a lot more. I would ask him honestly and if he says or tries to turn it back to we have already done it why does it matter there is your answer he is not serious about you and doesn't want to get to know you so you can have this serous relationship nor is he really trying to change from being a player. Good Luck

 

 

OP, I agree with some of the above. This guy is still playing.

 

 

Any guy who is serious doesn't talk like this guy... even the immature ones.

 

 

If he has a history of mistreating and playing other women, he won't change his stripes just because he considers you 'wife' material. It's just a ploy to get you to drop your defenses or see him in a different light.

 

 

Do whatever you want, but don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth, is my suggestion. I personally couldn't sleep with a man who had a history of being a player... or if I did, he'd be someone very far isolated from my social circle. ... but that is a hassle too, so I just avoid them. These guys cause a lot more trouble than they are worth for just some fun times in the sack.

 

 

What do you do? Not sure what to tell you. If you tell him you just want something casual or dump him after a few hookups, he'll be telling all his friends you are a skank or easy. That's what those kind of guys do when they are rejected. They get mean as hell.

 

 

My suggestion is that you keep seeing him, but don't have sex with him. He'll fade away soon enough or find someone else in a few weeks. Use this as a learning experience and avoid guys like him altogether.

Edited February 3, 2014 by RedRobin