Ex gf broke up with me [update]

[SCJACK]

Long story short, I got dumped 2 days after my birthday. It's almost been a month since then and I've been really confused as to what I should do... but now I feel like I know what I need to do. The relationship lasted only 2 months, I gave her everything my heart had to offer, I was kind, never argued, tried to make her happy in every way, Was trying to be caring and there for her. I'm a college student as she is too and when Christmas break started that's when she suddenly became distant. Everything was great before the break. After I got one worded responses and such.

 

A week before school started again that's when she broke up with me. I know I did the best I could for her and I felt like she didn't care. She looked really cold when she broke up with me as if she didn't care for my feelings at all. (I noticed she never said thank you when I gave her gifts even though I say it to her). Of course when someone breaks up with you abruptly your mind fills with questions. I couldn't stop myself from asking them. She expected me to not ask questions and accept that whatever I said will not change her decision. She gave me excuses like "I want to be alone" "I feel alot of pressure" "I'm not ready to be in a relationship" "I don't want to be commited" and also she stated twice "it's not because of you it's because of me" because she felt relieved to be "alone".

 

I also made the mistake of wanting to get things straight the next day so I asked more questions, and I also pleaded for a bit. Next day I tried to act as if everything was okay but I sensed that she was becoming annoyed. So I stopped contact until school started the following few days. I texted her to meet up on tuesday but she had to go to work, I walked her to her car and it was about a 2-3 minute walk and I just did simple talk asking about her day and classes. I left that day feeling unsatisfied about what happened. She texted me 2 days later asking "hey where are you?" and about 30 minutes later i replied "i'm eating with a friend" and she responded "kk. nvm im almost home alrdy" Did she want to meet up or something? Anyways.. I was already off campus and I didn't respond after she said that.

 

I stopped contact again until few days later on friday where I asked her questions about the class I took since she recommended it to me. She responded with "lol" in 2 of her text, so she seemed to not be annoyed anymore so after I asked those questions, I stopped further communication. The following tuesday I wanted to meet up with her so I texted her in the morning to meet and she said "uuhhh okay" so by the time we were able to meet she said she was going to explore the new business building with her friend. She also ran into my friend and talked to him about 20 seconds before I saw them. She said they wanted to eat lunch with me and I should eat with them instead. I told her I wanted to explore the building with her and asked if I could tag along and she said I should just eat with my friends.

 

Basically she agreed to meet up, but now she's using excuses to avoid me because maybe she feels I will bring up the relationship? Anyways, my friend ate with me in that building they explored anyways... and I was minding my own business eating, and then she walked in with her friend and we made eye contact for about a second before she hid behind the stair case for about 15 or 20 seconds. Then she walked passed it and we just waved and smiled. She also texted me if I saw them earlier and I tried to make normal text conversation but she was not responding much so I stopped. Ever since then I stopped all contact until the coming Saturday she texted me a sticker with a cat that said hi (in an excited way) I ignored it, and now it's about 6 days after that and she hasn't contacted me back.

 

Sorry for the long post..

 

I still like this girl and I do want to get back with her. But Im thinking that even if I waited a bit longer for things to cool off, and try to make her like me again and reconsider. It probably won't happen would it? Whatever actions I do now to show that I care is useless aren't they? If that is the case I won't pursue her anymore. I made the mistake of telling her I was "different" from other guys and I would stay and not leave her no matter what happened... and based off what I've been reading I need to do NC and actually leave her. Which makes me a liar...

 

Honestly I think her ego is too big to text me again once she probably found out I ignored her on saturday. But if she texted me again, I'm tempted to ask her to meet up and just work my way to being friends and work my way to making her like me again...even though I know the chances are very very slim..

 

But then again she is scared that I would leave her... but technically I didn't... she left me. But if I'm ignoring her as a friend then doesn't that make me the one leaving her? But I also don't want to be a doormat to her. .. I don't get why people tend to text you breadcrumbs to see if you care and when you do, it reinforces their decision on leaving you? Isn't that what people want though...? Someone who cares?... I'm so confused...

Edited April 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TooPatient]

I know how it is man. All those questions bouncing around inside your head. Keep things in perspective.

 

Unless she contacts you apologizing and shows true interest, try to get your mind off her. Take the necessary steps to avoid her. Don't go where she might be. Definitely don't contact her. Don't feel bad for not responding to her lil cat emoji. You didn't decide to stop dating, you didn't avoid lunch, she did. The only thing you've done wrong is spend so much time trying to figure her out.

 

It's only been a month and you guys are still having contact, that's making it harder to focus on yourself and what's best for you. She'll come around if she changes her mind, but I wouldn't spend anymore time waiting/hoping for that. It's out of your hands. Do you now.

[David87]

I agree with TooPatient, do as he says and you will be fine.

[SCJACK]

I remember when she broke up with me I kept a calm voice and tried to feel out why she wanted to break up. I asked a small question and she raised her voice on me and said "ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!" it hurt alot because I was just trying to understand calmly yet she raised her voice at me.... few days after I told her I didn't deserve this... she said no.. you don't. I said she didn't have to do this and she replied. YOU don't have to do this. and she also said nothing you can do or say that will change anything. just accept it..

 

I just wish I could understand why she just was fine during school and when break was in, she got distant just like that...then boom.. breakup. During the whole break I was worried because she wasn't talking as much. I tried to be comforting but she said she appreciates me trying but it's giving her more pressure. the next few weeks I sent about 1 or 2 text a day to give her space. They consisted of goodmornings, goodnights, and hope u had a good day. etc. It's not that clingy in my opinion... I was just worried about her well being.

 

There was a shirt I knew she wanted, but it was sold out everywhere. I went all around city to find the last one in the entire city and tried to surprise her for christmas. I also baked her cookies (what guys bake for their gfs?) And even when she got sick during new years I was going to make her some soup or pourage.. But I got kicked into the dirt... she ripped my heart out and stomped all over it. Even on my birthday she could only manage to say "happy bday!" and that was the only text I got from her the entire day...

 

I know some guys after maybe a week or two they try to get their gf's back. and some of them manage to do so which I don't know how. and I just wish I could be one of those guys who can somehow convince their ex's to get back with them. Even though everyone usually suggest NC and give up on that until THEY decide to come back. I understand that if I tried to get her back somehow it will work at a slight chance or it will push her further away.. I don't even know if my chances are increasing now or decreasing because I feel as time passes her feelings for me are going less and less if I do NC...

 

I never really told her how I truly felt, there are things I want to say to her that were left unsaid. Maybe saying them would help or maybe not. I also don't want to fully disappear from her life... I feel like even if she wanted me back really badly she wuold never tell me and she'd just let it die. I don't want to lose her out of my life...

[TooPatient]

There's really nothing you can do unfortunately. The guys who got their girl back were in different situations, the girls weren't fully vested in the break up. It's been a month in your case and she's still not coming around.

 

Don't torture yourself over someone that doesn't appreciate you. You will get over her when you start trying. She knows how to get a hold of you if she changes her mind. Just don't sit around beating yourself up and waiting for something that might never happen.

 

Spend as much time with your buddies and avoid alone time for now as much as possible, your brain is your worst enemy. Your emotions will level out in time, just don't make it harder on yourself. She didn't treat you very well at the end, don't give her any more pleasure of thinking you need her. You really don't.

[SCJACK]

I haven't contacted my ex for awhile now. She last texted me saturday saying hi excitedly but i ignored it. It's been a week and she hasn't said anything. I feel like she is moving on when deep down I don't want her to. I probably should have removed her posts from facebook but last night I saw her commenting on her posts with some guy and apparently they talked yesterday. It killed me inside to know that some one else is able to talk to her but I can't.

 

It's been about a month since our breakup. And we dated for only 2. Her main excuse for the breakup was she wanted to be alone. So I gave her space for the most part.

 

If i wanted to break my nc and say hi would that hurt? I also wanted to write a letter to her just to tell her how i felt, not to convince her to get back. But it might spark her interest again if she see's something that's sweet.. some girls like getting letters too and it might help with getting back. As far as I know, it seems like doing nothing isn't gonna make her contact me again or get me anywhere. I know nc is for me and not to get her back.

 

 

This is what I want, as bad as it may sound is for her to come back. I know it's all in her power. But even writing a simple letter that doesn't beg or plead or say i miss her, but something short and sweet and to the point to let her know how i felt. Would that push her away? what if she thought it was sweet and helped us talked again?

 

I know it sounds stupid but I don't want her interest getting on that guy if I wait too long... :/

 

I just want to write the letter to let her know how I felt and let her freely tell me how she feels about it. I wish I knew how she felt but I won't ever get to know unless she tells me what she wants to tell me. By any response i'll be able to tell if i can do full NC and just leave everything so I can kill all my thoughts of hope.. at least im trying to go for what I want...

Edited February 2, 2014 by SCJACK

[SCJACK]

I went ahead and deleted my instagram app on my phone, and unfollowed her on facebook... just for the sake of me hurting myself if i see her talking to other guys or whatever...

 

I'm just wishing for a breadcrumb... which is still bad.. I don't know how long it may be until she ever sends me another message..

[pickflicker]

I haven't contacted my ex for awhile now. She last texted me saturday saying hi excitedly but i ignored it. It's been a week and she hasn't said anything. I feel like she is moving on when deep down I don't want her to. I probably should have removed her posts from facebook but last night I saw her commenting on her posts with some guy and apparently they talked yesterday. It killed me inside to know that some one else is able to talk to her but I can't.

 

It's been about a month since our breakup. And we dated for only 2. Her main excuse for the breakup was she wanted to be alone. So I gave her space for the most part.

 

If i wanted to break my nc and say hi would that hurt? I also wanted to write a letter to her just to tell her how i felt, not to convince her to get back. But it might spark her interest again if she see's something that's sweet.. some girls like getting letters too and it might help with getting back. As far as I know, it seems like doing nothing isn't gonna make her contact me again or get me anywhere. I know nc is for me and not to get her back.

 

 

This is what I want, as bad as it may sound is for her to come back. I know it's all in her power. But even writing a simple letter that doesn't beg or plead or say i miss her, but something short and sweet and to the point to let her know how i felt. Would that push her away? what if she thought it was sweet and helped us talked again?

 

I know it sounds stupid but I don't want her interest getting on that guy if I wait too long... :/

 

I just want to write the letter to let her know how I felt and let her freely tell me how she feels about it. I wish I knew how she felt but I won't ever get to know unless she tells me what she wants to tell me. By any response i'll be able to tell if i can do full NC and just leave everything so I can kill all my thoughts of hope.. at least im trying to go for what I want...

 

Nope, don't do anything. She made up her mind, it's up to her to change it and make the next move.

 

You're in a position of power here, don't give it up.

[SCJACK]

I've went through pages and pages of posts about sending letters to your ex's. Everyone suggests never to send them. Some of you have, has that ever even worked for any of you?

[TylerDurdenn]

Whatever responses you receive are irrelevant, you have to assess your own situation.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

I did, didn't work. Should of sent her a flashlight so she could "find herself".

[pickflicker]

The dumpee is in the position of power so long as they maintain NC. Break it, and you lose the upper hand.

 

She did the dumping. She does the crawling.

[TheyCallMeOx]

If you're looking for a justification for sending letters, you're not going to get it. You might find some people in here who have sent letters and ended up getting their ex's back, but it doesn't really matter if it's ever worked for people. Just because it may work for some people doesn't mean it's going to work for you. The majority of people probably have had bad experiences with sending letters; I'm sure some people have even tried extravagant things to get back with their ex partners and it STILL didn't work.

 

You ever heard the expression "if you love someone, let them go?" When it comes to break ups, that's essentially what you have to do. You have to understand that if you were in a long-term relationship with a woman and she decided to break up with you...then you have to understand that it wasn't an easy decision on her end either. We don't want to hurt the people that we care about, but we also don't want to care about people more than we care about ourselves to the point that we would stay in a relationship, unhappy, just to make the other person happy. That's just miserable.

 

If your ex felt that a break-up was what needed to be done, then she/he must have been really hurt with how the relationship has turned out. I'm sure things were pretty good, but at some point...relationships can deteriorate. Sometimes you can fix things before they go bad, and sometimes you can't.

 

It's not worth sending letters.

[Never Again]

Letters really aren't worth it.

 

I sent one, and it worked to bury any negativity and awkwardness...but that's all I wanted it to do.

 

My ex and I had to be in a delicate social situation, and the letter got the dust settled quickly.

 

My letter was basically a "I was disappointed and hurt before...but I've moved forward from that because I understood that you made the decision you felt was best, and I respect that. "Friends" is not on the table, but I think positively of you. Be well."

 

I'm glad I sent it, as there was some unresolved weirdness that could've made things uncomfortable for mutual friends. However, I had no expectation for reconciliation with it.

 

Doesn't mean I didn't want her back at the time...I just knew the letter wouldn't accomplish that so I didn't even try.

[jphcbpa]

Write it but don't send it. Share it here or with a trusted friend.

[Inviv_girl]

If you're looking for a justification for sending letters, you're not going to get it. You might find some people in here who have sent letters and ended up getting their ex's back, but it doesn't really matter if it's ever worked for people. Just because it may work for some people doesn't mean it's going to work for you. The majority of people probably have had bad experiences with sending letters; I'm sure some people have even tried extravagant things to get back with their ex partners and it STILL didn't work.

 

You ever heard the expression "if you love someone, let them go?" When it comes to break ups, that's essentially what you have to do. You have to understand that if you were in a long-term relationship with a woman and she decided to break up with you...then you have to understand that it wasn't an easy decision on her end either. We don't want to hurt the people that we care about, but we also don't want to care about people more than we care about ourselves to the point that we would stay in a relationship, unhappy, just to make the other person happy. That's just miserable.

 

If your ex felt that a break-up was what needed to be done, then she/he must have been really hurt with how the relationship has turned out. I'm sure things were pretty good, but at some point...relationships can deteriorate. Sometimes you can fix things before they go bad, and sometimes you can't.

 

It's not worth sending letters.

 

I sent letter to my first ex-, expressing my heartfelt, undying love etc...in hope he will change his mind. But you know what, in time you will regret what you did and wish you didnt do it. You cant change people feeling towards you, if they decided to not want to be with you then let them go...

 

Now think for a minute if you are in the position when u dont wannabe with someone and they convince you, send you letters/emails/Fb messages whatever to make them realize they made wrong decision to leave, trying to change your mind -This is not going to work!

 

Best is to let them be! if they wannabe with us they know the way! eventhough for some people it maybe work after sending love felt letters but mostly they come back because they feel guilty for leaving and this is not good and only temporary. Once they feel right about why they want to break up they will leave again and really, do you want to be left broken again? "if your letter works"

[Allumere]

I have sent letters. I was cautious not to beg or load with I miss you. Mainly to express how was I feeling at that point in time, right or wrong, and that I accepted their decision. There were no questions needing answers so I didn't respect a response. For me it was healing and I have zero regrets. Did they leave a door open for the future. Probably not as they were again a snapshot of where I was at that point in time but no damage was done either.

[SCJACK]

I remember an instance when my ex said to me when she was still dating her ex, that they got into a fight or something and they were both in the same class. She said she had a spot saved for him but he came in later and sat somewhere else and completely ignored her. That's when she broke up with him afterwards because he ignored her. Also it was because he was controlling and she said he was a mommas' boy. Then she went into a rebound relationship but i'm not sure how long that lasted. And then after she went back out with the guy who ignored her... she said he begged her back and said he would change. and for some crazy reason that i don't understand, she still took him back just because. and he did try harder, until he left the country..

 

To me, it seems like with this girl... ignoring her will push her further away, and begging helped her ex out...

 

When she contacted me on saturday I did have an urge to text something back... idk if it was really an ego boost or she actually really wanted to be friends. But when I ignored her, she hasn't tried again.. maybe she took it the wrong way and I possibly made things worse?

[SCJACK]

I have sent letters. I was cautious not to beg or load with I miss you. Mainly to express how was I feeling at that point in time, right or wrong, and that I accepted their decision. There were no questions needing answers so I didn't respect a response. For me it was healing and I have zero regrets. Did they leave a door open for the future. Probably not as they were again a snapshot of where I was at that point in time but no damage was done either.

 

This is actually what I want to try to do (not yet but still deciding). I just thought it wouldn't hurt because if I do nothing like i'm doing now... I know she won't come back..anyways..

[realfriends]

Yeah. Sent two and regret it fully. I poured my heart out on those things and got zero response. I quickly realized I had to get rid of her address for the better. Don't do it. NOTHING good can possibly come from it. Learn from me, learn from this board and DONT repeat history.

[happykat]

yes, just last week actually.. It didn't work completely (my bf did not decide that he actually loves me and can't live without me). But it did work in that it gave me better closure (he did contact me and gave me a bit more clarity).

 

Also, my first bf (a wayyyy long time ago) sent me a beautiful love letter asking to get back together about 6 months after we split, and it totally worked. But then the reason we split the first time was nothing very dramatic, I think we just got bored and stopped hanging out and contacting each other..

[organizedchaos]

yes, just last week actually.. It didn't work completely (my bf did not decide that he actually loves me and can't live without me). But it did work in that it gave me better closure (he did contact me and gave me a bit more clarity).

 

Also, my first bf (a wayyyy long time ago) sent me a beautiful love letter asking to get back together about 6 months after we split, and it totally worked. But then the reason we split the first time was nothing very dramatic, I think we just got bored and stopped hanging out and contacting each other..

 

 

 

And with the first bf, why did you split up again after getting back together due to the letter?

[keepontruckin]

Yes, sending letters can work, given enough time has passed.

 

However, the key is to define what "works."

 

I just spent the last month basically living with my stbxw, after 10 months of separation and divorce docs served by her.

 

She want's to be friends. Why? Simply because she's lonely, she's bored, and she's broke. It had taken me a month to confirm this (and yes, we had a great time together).

 

So, know that the dumper does not love you. They will keep you around as Plan B. I don't roll that way, and the bitch can end up homeless for all I care.

 

Once you realize that you've poured everything you possibly could into a relationship, you finally give up. And when you get to that point, you also give up on all other women, or at least I have in my case.

 

It is a life changing moment when you finally stop caring about other people... Only then does true peace appear.

 

All my life I've tried to please others. Now I please myself, both literally and figuratively. I couldn't be happier.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

And with the first bf, why did you split up again after getting back together due to the letter?

 

Exactly, doesn't work does it?

[SCJACK]

Doing this NC thing is kind of killing me. For some crazy reason I still feel like there is hope which is what's keeping me from going anywhere. I feel like the only way to kill that hope is to go all or nothing, even if I screw it up then at least I will know there is no hope, and hopefully with that in mind I can finally move on..

 

As of now, I feel like breaking NC. Trying to be friendly, I expect short replies from her, ask for her to meet up, probably give her a letter, chances are nothing good is going to happen, might even attempt to be friends for a bit until I can't take it anymore before leaving completely. I feel like this is the only way to kill all hope, it might end up in a bang, and I'll probably go down fighting. I'm just tired of this.

 

Even right now with this NC and no connection to her whatsoever right now, the image of her keeps popping in my head and I can't get that out. Maybe it's because of the hope thoughts that always linger.

 

Even though she treated me like crap, didn't really show me care, took me for granted, and didn't really seem to appreciate the things I did. I should be mad or angry but I'm not. I feel like I need to get hate, and anger feelings towards her and I'll be able to finally let go.

 

At this point I shouldn't even care if I appear weak to her. I know I have the "upper hand and power" doing NC. But honestly that's not really getting me anywhere with her. If she think's I'm weak, or clingy or needy whatever then it just wasn't meant to be. I already gave her a few weeks of NC. and acted as if I had a life. If i were truly clingy or needy I would have kept bugging her everyday or most of the days after the breakup but I didn't. If she can't understand that, then I know what to do. Just not worth my time anymore.

Edited February 3, 2014 by SCJACK