BurnedAndLost Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 If you don't know my story, click on my profile and read my thread title ''New here but not new to infidelity''. So my s/o has a friendship with his brother's ex(?) baby's mother. he cheated on her and left her for another girl. They talk on facebook whenever he is logged in and I feel they are getting to be too close. She confides very personal information and feelings to him and he is always trying to comfort her. I feel like some of the things they write to each other is borderline flirtation. I told him I do not like it. He blew it off saing he would never do anything with her because she is his brother's woman. Supposedly she is sharing his brother with the other woman, or something I don't know. I told Him I don't care who she is because he has already proved himself to have loose morals. This is also how the affair he had with our son's god sister started. Supposedly innocent conversations until it built into a full on affair. He leaves his facebook open and I noticed he deleted his messages with her. This also worries me.... I am tired of him blowing me off whenever I confide in him with my fears. We never worked on our relationship after he cheated. We never talked about it or anything. He stopped having sex with her but continued to have contact with her and he expected me to just forget it ever happened without any type of closure or anything. He doesn't understand why i have not healed from it. He refuses to understand where I am coming from or awknowledge the part he plays in my now extreme paranoia,
MuddyRock Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Its already an emotional affair. He has NO reason to be messaging ANY non related women!! My WH wouldn't even THINK of it, but, we have had the boundaries talk before and he did read "not just friends". Your husband is not remorseful and is most definatley in an emotional affair. An no you do not have extreme paranoia. He shouldn't even be FRIENDS with her on facebook let alone messaging her. WAY WAY out of line for a WH 1
Author BurnedAndLost Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 Welp. He caught me writing this and he again completely deflected the conversation. I told him I felt he treats other women better as far an emotion goes ( she is not the only woman who has confided to him like that ) and completely changed the conversation in to how he thinks I don't clean good enough, cook good enough, etc. Not saying a word in the part he plays in any of our problems. It's all my fault.
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Wow. Id be gone so quick his head would spin... There are HEAPS of great guys out there who will treat you as you deserve... Stop being his doormat...pull the trigger...in 3 years youll look back and wonder what you were ever thinking....you are so young...dont waste your best years on a douchebag who doesnt treat you with respect. 6
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Tell him to pack a bag and GO TO THE OW. Really, do it. He is NOT acting like a loving, kind and supportive husband. He is acting like a selfish jerk and blaming you, he's so in denial and in a fog too. Hope he reads this site then, maybe he'll wake up before he loses you and the family unit as one, the life he has built with you. 4
experiencethedevine Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 The man you live with is not the man you had hoped he was. He is completely disrespecting you, belittling your feelings and ignoring your pleas for him to attend to his behaviour. He has undermined you at every corner, dismissed your concerns as 'paranoia', and considers himself above reproach. Your choices are limited in this concern. You can choose to continue to put up with such appalling behaviour in the hope that he 'might' see the light on his own (most doubtful). You can insist that he face the truth of his own demise and address it while laying down criteria for a relationship you feel you can live with and give the husk of what is left of your partnership a given time for him to do so effectively and honestly. You can tell him that if he fails to dignify you with answers regarding his affair/s and discuss HIS behaviour in order that your relationship has a chance you do not want him and he must leave (but you must be prepared to follow through with this or he will continue in the same way until there is nothing left of you because he will have crushed your very soul to death). 1
Timmos Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Welp. He caught me writing this and he again completely deflected the conversation. I told him I felt he treats other women better as far an emotion goes ( she is not the only woman who has confided to him like that ) and completely changed the conversation in to how he thinks I don't clean good enough, cook good enough, etc. Not saying a word in the part he plays in any of our problems. It's all my fault. Similar behavior as my wife when she first started her affair. Be wary.
Fluttershy Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 This is a good example of the difference between reconciliation and rug sweeping. OP, by burrying the first affair you never dealt with the problems created by it in your marriage nor did your husband face what his actions truly did. He did not take responsibility, real responsibility, for them. He is distespecting you. I would suggest the 180 (you can google 180 in marriage) and start working on yourself. Don't take his emotional abuse, you don't have to.
Eau Claire Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 He is this and he is that.... The question is why you have no self esteem to end this. What exactly are you waiting for? What will change in a week? A month? He will bang his head and become a new man like in the cartoons? What is stopping you from ending it today? 1
No Limit Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 You're about to get cheated on for the 2nd time. And I can only think of the same questions the poster above me asked, and hope you are not dependant on this guy. Run.
Iguanna Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 If I could give a picture of where you are standing right now it would be, you are standing around a hole looking at it and touching it, you are saying "I'm sure there is a hole here but I don't know what my next step should be". You see the effing red flags, you see this person does not respect you at all cause when we love someone we don't want them to feel bad and insecure, you see that something is going wrong. And I'm asking you, are you gonna fall into the hole or are you gonna take a huge 180 degrees turn and go the other way? 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 You have to determine the line in the sand for yourself. At what point/action do you feel that your self respect is being compromised? I firmly believe, that when we compromise our self respect....we are the ones telling ourselves that we are not worth better, not the other person. We betray ourselves. That is the worse kind of betrayal, not having our own back. Find that part of you that advocates/protects the whole.
WhiteOrchid Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Welp. He caught me writing this and he again completely deflected the conversation. I told him I felt he treats other women better as far an emotion goes ( she is not the only woman who has confided to him like that ) and completely changed the conversation in to how he thinks I don't clean good enough, cook good enough, etc. Not saying a word in the part he plays in any of our problems. It's all my fault. I am tired of him blowing me off whenever I confide in him with my fears. We never worked on our relationship after he cheated. We never talked about it or anything. He stopped having sex with her but continued to have contact with her and he expected me to just forget it ever happened without any type of closure or anything. He doesn't understand why i have not healed from it. He refuses to understand where I am coming from or awknowledge the part he plays in my now extreme paranoia, I'm very sorry you are going through this. I am going to be brutally honest with you - unless you take a stand and show him you will not put up with his behavior, he will never stop. His rug-sweeping, blame-shifting and gaslighting are classic behaviors of this. He has his cake and is eating it too - basically he had no consequences for his first affair. And the fact he still continued to have contact with her afterwards indicates he was not sorry and in all probability continued having sex with her. As far as this new girl, it's only a matter of time before it is a PA (if it isn't already). If you want to save your relationship, you have to be willing to lose it. Counter-intuitive, I know, but it is the only thing that may wake him up. If you keep continuing on as you are, he will NEVER change. Tell him you will no longer put up with his behavior and inappropriate boundaries. Insist he come clean about the first affair. Lay out the boundaries and rules that need to be put in place for you to stay in this relationship. If he continues to try and shift the blame to you, or balks at giving up his "friendships" with these women, you then have your answer - it is time for you to leave. Read up on the 180, and institute it. Since he is unhappy with your cleaning and cooking abilities, let him clean and cook for himself. 2
Author BurnedAndLost Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 (edited) Its already an emotional affair. He has NO reason to be messaging ANY non related women!! My WH wouldn't even THINK of it, but, we have had the boundaries talk before and he did read "not just friends". Your husband is not remorseful and is most definatley in an emotional affair. An no you do not have extreme paranoia. He shouldn't even be FRIENDS with her on facebook let alone messaging her. WAY WAY out of line for a WH On one hand I do not like she is comfortable enough with him to confide in him that way... On the other hand... it's his sister in law, and the mother of his nephews and nieces. They grew up together and she lives with his mother in Puerto Rico... She told him recently she was thinking about letting his brother's OW have him. My s.o told her she will find someone one day and she said she wants to raise her kids without any help. He told her she will always have her big brother (referring to himself ) to help if she needs it.... But I can't help but worry she has some sort of crush on him... He is easy to like... He is very kind and nurturing.. Likes to take care of people... That is what attracted me to him and I'm sure that's why the fow liked him too... That's not to say he couldn't have stopped himself. Of course the blame is still mostly on him. He is no longer in contact with the fow. They blocked each other a few months after the affair ... But that was a few months too late... Edited February 3, 2014 by BurnedAndLost
xAkulax Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 I think its time you gave yours husband a walk up call you should tell him that if he values his marriage he should his keep his focus on it or he could or become a former husband.
ctxinfl Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Welp. He caught me writing this and he again completely deflected the conversation. I told him I felt he treats other women better as far an emotion goes ( she is not the only woman who has confided to him like that ) and completely changed the conversation in to how he thinks I don't clean good enough, cook good enough, etc. Not saying a word in the part he plays in any of our problems. It's all my fault. That's what they do. They deflect. They deflect the conversation away from their own behavior attempting to place the blame on you. My STBX does the same thing. She cheated on me leading to our divorce and just yesterday acknowledged she is at least half to blame for us getting divorced. Affairs, emotional or physical, never solve marital problems.
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