EtherealSanction Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 (edited) Hi, This is my first post, and many of the stories and experiences of others have kept me grounded largely. It is refreshing to know there are others out there with the same feelings I have. I am a single woman in an emotional affair with a married man. We worked together (not closely together) for three months almost a year ago, and we kept things cordial and professional and never spoke outside of work. We were never flirty, unless you count the many times I caught him looking at me. He was attractive, and I presumed he was attracted to me. I made the decision to move with my then fiance to another city an hour away due to a job opportunity for him. My last day MM asked me to lunch, and expressed how sad he was to see me go and that he had been content to simply see me nearly every day at work. I let him kiss me on the cheek and I provided my phone number and email against my better judgment. Since then, nearly a year ago, we have kept in contact nearly every day. We speak of many things, including the issues he currently has in his marriage and the issues I had with my fiance (I found the strength to separate from him). He says she is a great mom and a good wife in many ways, but they have differences he's overlooked too long and that he largely feels he stays now out of obligation than out of any real desire to stay. Isn't that what all MM/MW seem to say? We sexted for maybe two weeks 10 months ago, before I told him I wasn't sure I was comfortable with that because I felt bad enough as it was speaking with a MM while I was engaged and he married. He has since respected my wishes, and we find many things to talk about even still. He made one attempt for us to meet 6 months ago. I declined because I was scared. I am still scared. A few weeks ago, he informed me he was strongly considering divorcing his wife of 6 years. They have a 3 year old daughter together. He asked if I'd be willing to see him if he decided to separate. I told him yes. He has not pressed me since that time. Since then, though, I have thought of him many more times romantically and whether we'd be compatible, and I've dared to hope because leaving is not something we had discussed and I was content to simply speak with him from afar -- it's a little safer that way. And I'm scared that now that I have this new found hope, that I'll be disappointed and hurt if it doesn't happen. I do have ties where I am now. I have a decent job in this new city and have met a couple of good friends. My question is, then, how do some of you/did some of you deal with the hope of the MM or MW leaving? I am not sure I will have the strength to continue speak with him if he decides not to separate because I feel I've already invested so much thought into him on a different level the last few weeks, and I've reached a point where it's all or nothing. This was longer than expected. Thank you for reading and for any feedback any of you can provide me. Edited January 31, 2014 by EtherealSanction Readability
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 he informed me he was strongly considering divorcing his wife of 6 years. They have a 3 year old daughter together. He asked if I'd be willing to see him if he decided to separate. I told him yes. He has not pressed me since that time. Please do yourself a favour...Stay far, and I mean far, away from him until he really is officially divorced. Do NOT date him, hang out with him at all..You've gone this long without seeing him, it won't kill you to wait longer, right? So, he separates, that's not divorce. He still has a wife and a little kid... You don't want to go down that road so IGNORE your heart, your attraction to him. You know better (you even 'heard' you gut, your inner voice telling you from the get go - Exchanging email addresses and numbers, you knew then it was wrong) than to go for it... If he divorces (and has been on his own for a while) then 'date' him in the proper way. Anything short of that IS an affair and you will be the one hurting. 1
Author EtherealSanction Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 Thank you, whichwayisup. I needed a reminder that separation is not divorce, and so it isn't merely waiting until he's separated. If he asks again, I'd be wise to remember that. I think I should be glad I've found it safer not to meet with him thus far, and that we're far enough away so as not to see each other. Any other way seems like a road leading only to heartache, though I feel, sometimes, already there. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 You have invested a bit of yourself, but at least nothing physical has happened. Get busy! Reach out to your friends and family, go focus on yourself. Rely on him less and less for your own happiness and fun/sexy thoughts. Get out of the habit of texting him, get out of the habit of hearing from him so much, rely on others and yourself more. Detach. He is still married. He still is living life with his wife and child. All this has not changed one bit all the meanwhile he's been leading you on and giving you some hope. Please keep reading this section and also in the infidelity section so you can see the other side of this. You don't want to be the 'girl' that helps him cheat on his wife and betray his family unit. I doubt you want to hurt her and be part of this. Imagine she finds out and confronts you? Any other way seems like a road leading only to heartache, though I feel, sometimes, already there. Then also imagine how hard it will be for his wife and she's the one married to him, invested in him for so many years, had a child with him... Talk about heartache... You don't know him that well, you really only know what he's shared with you. Plus, you DO know he's capable of betraying his wife and having totally inappropriate talks/sexting behind her back.... I'm sure if you were married (to him or someone else) you wouldn't like that behaviour at all. 2
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