SadNLonley Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 This past week has been so up and down. One minute Im missing my ex like crazy and thinking of all the great things we did. The next minute I think of how he hurt me and start thinking about things that were so great. Another minute Im crying then angry. Back and Forth all the time. The other night I think I had some sort of breakdown. I fell into into this uncontrollable crying mode and then starting yelling and screaming to the "higher being" and both my parents were are deceased asking them if they were watching over me why they would allow the pain I feel to last so long and make me feel so low that I cant see a light at the end of the tunnel. I actually asked them just to take my life from me because I just didnt want to live it anymore. Did I feel better the next day? No. I didnt feel as bad though either. Today, Im not so much thinking of my ex as Im more worried about being alone and never falling in love again. I'd like to get out there to date just to feel like I still have something to offer, but I would be a horrible date because Im just not yet interested in starting this all over again. If I was 20-30 I wouldnt be near as worried about falling in love again. At 43, its different. So many people our age are married, dont hang out at bars, and I really dont want that online dating thing. I think its bad for my ego. Anyway, back to my question. Do you go through this back and forth crap with feelings/emotions/concerns?
bubblesbursted Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 what you are feeling is totally normal and understandable. Heck, a few hours back I was crying over my ex and right now I am mad and in control. Ita just a phase better things await! 1
H245 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 What you're going through is normal. Including the desire to go out and date again. You want to fill the void left by your ex. This week alone I've ping ponged between both ends of the spectrum. One day I'm happy, the next I'm in bed crying, or I can be sitting there completely numb. You're def. not alone with how you are feeling.
jphcbpa Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Right there with you. Embrace this, lean into it. For me I am grieving the loss of other relationships during this time too. My father passed away when I was younger and perhaps I did not know how to grieve at that time. It is possible that the pain is more than just about your ex. Use this time to heal up all of your past pain. IMO, it is best to not jump back out there in the dating world. Repair this loss so you do not bring it with you into the next R. Take this time for you, build a solid foundation that can last you the rest of your life.
k10k Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Yip + 1 - these emotions are just our way of dealing with trauma & grief. This morning I was feeling hurt & sad but as the day has progressed I've started to feel the anger and am currently in the "F' you" mode. I kinda like the change, it's better than the "pining" mode. Having said that, I'm also trying to create a bit of space from the emotions, so that I don't get too "entangled" in them, if that makes any sense. Just feel and observe, but don't let it overtake your inner being. And don't worry too much about the dating thing - give yourself some time and think about that when you're feeling whole and happy again, that way you'll attract the right person. People meet and get married in the 50's/60's - so it's never too late!
JDPT Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 To answer your questions, yes what you are currently experiencing is perfectly normal. The 5 stages of loss/grief is something that unfortunately and inevitably we must go through. As crazy as this may sound, start learning to embrace your feelings, all those ups and downs you experience on a daily basis. Allow them to occur and just like someone who suffered a physical injury it's time to heal. We have been emotionally injured. Take your time and be gentle with yourself, there is not need to rush this process. Get to know yourself and what works for you. Reroute your thoughts when bombarded with fantasies of the past. We all tend to sugar coat and make ourselves believe how "perfect" our past relationship was, however, if it was as perfect as we thought it was then why aren't we no longer with this person? Internalize, with a very objective approach the reason(s) why you two are no longer together. And this isn't to torture yourself but simply allow your brain to process what occur so that your heart may follow and eventually get the message as well. Surround yourself with people who can provide you with constructive feed back. And above all remain NC, this is an imperative component that you must diligently adhere to. Be strong we are all here for you. 1
stillfiguringitallou Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 YES! And remeber - the 5 stages of grief don't process and then go away they repeat - in a cycle - until the grieving process is over/ I myself have cycled through sadness - anger - and shock all in just today! It's normal and it will get better.
Author SadNLonley Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 Right there with you. Embrace this, lean into it. For me I am grieving the loss of other relationships during this time too. My father passed away when I was younger and perhaps I did not know how to grieve at that time. It is possible that the pain is more than just about your ex. Use this time to heal up all of your past pain. Funny you should say that. I divorced over 3 years ago, a few months later my 59 yo mother passed away, and then just 2 years later my 64 yo father passed away. During this time, my bf was my rock and was there to assist me through the grief I had. None are comparable to the grief I feel now. My therapist thinks that I am now grieving all of that at one time. Sucks big time. As for NC. I know I will not be doing that. Each and every time I think about the possibility, I hear the last words he said to me and that does it. I am stronger than that (for now). The only thing I struggle with is the whole FB thing. I dont want to go to his page, but I want to go to his families to see whats been going on. I also, want to go to the page of a girl that had flirted with him. I want to see if SHE has anything on there about him, but I wont. I know it will knock me back down and my heart just can't take it right now. BTW, its been 72 days NC.
jphcbpa Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Funny you should say that. I divorced over 3 years ago, a few months later my 59 yo mother passed away, and then just 2 years later my 64 yo father passed away. During this time, my bf was my rock and was there to assist me through the grief I had. None are comparable to the grief I feel now. My therapist thinks that I am now grieving all of that at one time. Sucks big time. . Or you could re-frame this break up as a blessing that is allowing you to heal properly so that you can build an amazing foundation for the rest of your life. You would know yourself better than before, be much stronger and have an open loving heart. 2
insert sad username Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 (edited) You just described everything that I've been gong through this past month. I thought I was over her till I was home alone and I cried uncontrollably screaming for God to bring her back. I have my days where i miss her, love her, Hate her, accepting that she's gone etc. and it continues to go around in circles. I do not what I would feel if we ever do talk again. Edited January 30, 2014 by insert sad username ,
BlametheIrish Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 It's quite normal and I sympathize as I'm going through similar emotions from a breakup myself. I thought I was doing okay today but then I broke down while doing the dishes. We'll get over it and be stronger because of it........ Eventually
JDPT Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 First thing is first, you must knock her off the pedestal immediately. She is not goddess and never was. Once you take that power away from her you will start paving way for recovery.
jphcbpa Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 First thing is first, you must knock her off the pedestal immediately. She is not goddess and never was. Once you take that power away from her you will start paving way for recovery. Read this online... In that same regard, no single girl is all you’ve made her up to be. Not one. None. No one. Some of you are reading this and thinking about This One Girl You Know. Seriously, not even her. EVEN IF EVERYTHING YOU SAY ABOUT HER IS TRUE! THERE IS A GIRL WHO IS BETTER-LOOKING, SMARTER, FUNNIER, AND NICER. YOU JUST HAVEN’T MET HER YET. That glorious sun goddess is still just another glorious sun goddess. We live on a planet with 6,200,000,000 human beings. And women are in the majority. Seriously, she’s not that special. 2
notthathard Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Yeah when I was recovering from the breakup I went from feelings to feelings day by day. It's all the recovery process taking place. You have to let it out. Everybody is different and recovers at different rates. Within 3 months I was at indifference. I knew I was there when I woke happy and every time the thoughts of my ex came through my mind would say "I don't care". It feels great getting to the final stage of recovery. 1
Author SadNLonley Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 Yeah when I was recovering from the breakup I went from feelings to feelings day by day. It's all the recovery process taking place. You have to let it out. Everybody is different and recovers at different rates. Within 3 months I was at indifference. I knew I was there when I woke happy and every time the thoughts of my ex came through my mind would say "I don't care". It feels great getting to the final stage of recovery. Cant wait until Im there. I almost at 3 months nc. I hope it kicks in soon. I almost feel like a weirdo. when i had that meltdown, if anyone would have been around, they may have wanted to commit me to a hospital. lol
SameOldFear Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Very much so. I'm at 60 days NC, and it's much more stable now. But I still have my moments. Just an hour ago, I wanted to breakdown and send him a text. But now I'm thinking, "Who needs him? I hate him. I don't want to talk to him ever again." I wish so bad I was always like that, but each and every day that feeling is becoming more and more common.
realfriends Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Yes, Sometimes during the day, I say fu*k her, I didn't deserve this. Im better than this. She lost a great person. Then sometimes I crash, and I think about how much I miss her. tides are slowly turning and the missing aspect is slowly going away and my stronger mentality is starting to be more prominent.
purplehues Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 These are so encouraging all…keep them coming. I am far from indifference, but I've got hope I can get there.
notthathard Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Very much so. I'm at 60 days NC, and it's much more stable now. But I still have my moments. Just an hour ago, I wanted to breakdown and send him a text. But now I'm thinking, "Who needs him? I hate him. I don't want to talk to him ever again." I wish so bad I was always like that, but each and every day that feeling is becoming more and more common. You're close. Keep doing what your doing! I had the exact same thing close to the end. It sounds like you're in between hate and indifference. Take the thoughts as they come, accept them and reverse them.. exactly like you did above. There is infinite love in the world, no one needs their ex for their happiness. You are responsible for your own happiness. Stay strong people.
melell Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Yeah when I was recovering from the breakup I went from feelings to feelings day by day. It's all the recovery process taking place. You have to let it out. Everybody is different and recovers at different rates. Within 3 months I was at indifference. I knew I was there when I woke happy and every time the thoughts of my ex came through my mind would say "I don't care". It feels great getting to the final stage of recovery. I agree, I think personality plays a big part in how fast you recover. It took me a good 3-4 months of fleeting feelings and mentalities before things evened out. I can remember at just over 3 months someone spoke to me about my ex and I simply didn't care. That whole third month I would quickly switch to positive affirmations whenever a thought of my ex popped into my head. I think it has been 7 or 8 months since the bu (8 years together) and now I feel great, hardly ever think of my ex and when I do it provokes no feelings, it is as if I am thinking of an old book I've read. To be quite honest I can hardly remember how bad it felt, even though it was the most distressing thing I have experienced. Time time time. 1
notthathard Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I can remember at just over 3 months someone spoke to me about my ex and I simply didn't care. That whole third month I would quickly switch to positive affirmations whenever a thought of my ex popped into my head. YESS!!! Smart, this is one of the best recovery tools I used!
melell Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 YESS!!! Smart, this is one of the best recovery tools I used! I 100% recommend it. Sometimes I really think negative mentalities or thought processes can be like a disease, if you let it set in it will take over. it is best to intervene as hard and as early as possible. Even some posters after a big amount of nc will come and post something about their ex/second chances/how bad they feel, if instead they instantly dropped the thought and replaced it with something positive it wouldn't continue to be as big of a deal.
Mondmellonw Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Oh, yes. All the time. There are these days were I feel kind of "close" to him. Like if I wanted him to just hug me and give me love. Truth is he never gave me love, and his hugs were empty. So, every time I feel sad I remind myself that he lied. Every time I feel angry I remind myself I wanted to be with him. Every time I feel lonely I remember myself I am way better nowadays than when I was by his side. It's the heart and the soul versus the reasoning. My reasoning is winning now.
kisslaboca Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 (edited) I know this was posted a few weeks ago, nut I thought threre was something wrong with me, or that I was maybe going crazy, until I read this. We broke up beginning of Dic. At first I couldnt even cry I was so hurt, numb. I have cried since then, and have felt a bunch of emotions. I have tried to allw them their space and not pushed them away. Somedays I just accepted that I was sad, down for days at a time, and then I noticed if I let the awful sad feeling be there for days sometimes, I then would feel good, peaceful for a week or so. But the past two days have felt a LOT of sadness, today as strong as the beginning. I have felt kind of bad since a little before valentines day, and there was a trigger of something I saw him making contact eith on fb, a girl he is in love with or obsessed with...that broke my heart. Regardless, today and yesterday I habve gone through very strong emotions, they grip me tight and strong, like at the beginning. i was scared, to feel this, cause I thought maybe it meant I was NEVER going to get over this. Or that there was something wrong with me, and that I was incaple of moving fowrd from this ever, as I had already felt I had made some progress before this set back. In any case, in a few days or even sometimes in one day, I go into feelings of regret, love, anger, longing, not ever wanting to see him again, fantasizing of spending the rest of my life with him, pride, shame,gratefulness, jealousy. sADNESS... And I thought I had started to accept it as I began to notice two weeks ago that for the first time I didnt waked up thinking of him. Was sad when I realized this, because my thoughts and longing of him are about the only real connection I feel to him, as i am doing nc. But was aldo respectful of me, of the process and realized that im healing. Just didnt expect to feel the anguish and loss and grief and sadness, jealousy and anger that i felt today. But, after reading the experiences and feelings of people here I understand this is normal, and it makes me feel comforted that I am still on the road to recovery just stepping on one more step foward of this path. Edited February 19, 2014 by kisslaboca
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