longjourney Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I wrote the following in a response to a poster in one of my other threads, but I wanted to post here as well, so it didn't get lost because right now, the responses I get here are my sanity. I HATE when some people say that an LTA isn't any different then a ONS or a brief sexual A. An LTA is layers of layers of emotions. I don't believe they were fantasy just because they were secretive. I have messages from my WH texting the OW concerned when she was driving home in the snow, telling her to take it slowly, for her to text him when she gets home safely and then he texts, "I love you". Those are not fantasy. He also texted her when she was sick, as she did when he was. There were also texting messages discussing if he should take a promotion at work, if it was good for our kids or not because it would take him away from them a few more hours a week, and since I am limited into my helping around the house, they discussed if it would be a smart move. That IS a REAL relationship. I know I am not alone in this, I am sure there are other BS's who realize this. It is all part of the explosion of our lives, acceptance and reality. And BTW, I now have ALL the messages, emails and texts between my WH and the OW. I decided to get them from her BH (yes they are still working on R for their M) and I will read them all when I feel the need, a few a day or when ever I feel the urge. I just wanted to have a copy of them before her BH might think to destroy them.
painfullyobvious Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I hope that whoever poster that remark was trying to say a cheat is a cheat. You are right that a LTA has more emotional betrayal, more intimacy and mire routine contact as you have described. The betrayal is much deeper than a fling and the affair means more to the WS. The two are completely different in depth and meaning to all parties involved 4
Author longjourney Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 I hope that whoever poster that remark was trying to say a cheat is a cheat. You are right that a LTA has more emotional betrayal, more intimacy and mire routine contact as you have described. The betrayal is much deeper than a fling and the affair means more to the WS. The two are completely different in depth and meaning to all parties involved Thank you for your words of confirmation. I feel like I am losing my mind sometimes. I don't know how any BS can get over an LTA. It can't just be wished away. It breaks my heart. I do know many times it is "the little woman" that gets over an LTA and it is usually a BH that walks. Well give me a pair of boots and a shot of testosterone, because I won't be staying looking to rebuild a COMPLETELY shattered foundation which in my case was NEVER there to begin with, no matter what my bullsh#$ my WH feeds me. 3
dichotomy Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Suggestion - read all the communications in one sitting - like ripping of a band aid, don't piece meal it. Then read them maybe once or twice more a few days or week later.....then destroy them ....or send them away to an offsite storage place where you don't have easy access. 3
Kalee35 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 It's definitely a relationship with emotions involved. I feel the fantasy part comes into play because usually the man won't leave the wife in most cases. So if he loves this other woman so much then why wouldn't he risk it all for her or why can't he make that decision if he knows in his heart he truly loves her? That's why I think people call it an illusion. Thats just my opinion. Anyway, I'm sorry for your pain and what you are going through. Praying for you. 2
snappytomcat Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 my husband had a 3 year lta it was long distance,only saw each other 4 times,but I told him for me the deceit and emotional aspect was the most hurtful,please don't torture yourself with all the text,and emails I sure wouldn't,the ow in my situation lashed out after my hubby broke it off with her she kept sending me stuff between them,even threatened my kids,at first I would read them,never responded,but then I just saved in a file but didn't read so I could charge her with harassment.my husband said she was more of a friend then anything,and now when he can see clearly it was like he was an addict,and knows he didn't love her,and didn't have ill feelings towards her at all,until the harassment,now he says he can look back and see there were clues that she was a little unstable,and he just liked how she made him feel he wasn't attracted to her,she was just an escape,he met her playing cards online,and he said he was most addicted to the online games. It did help with mc,he did open up like hes never done before iam so sorry you are going through this,its hard I know stay strong,and most of all take care of you 2
Timmos Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I have had problems with reading Facebook chats. My wife's affair only lasted two months, but there were thousands upon thousands of messages, emails, etc between the two. For me, I just felt like I HAD to know what they said, because that was the only way to get the truth. It was probably a huge mistake. If you're going to read them, do as they said above. Do it all at once and get it over with. But I warn you, you will NEVER, EVER forget what it says. They are etched into my mind. I still remember every sentence, every comma, every period, every stupid little Heart Emote... 3
frogss29 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 My husband's affair lasted 15 years, so I understand your fears/feelings. I discovered it last November and am still processing it all. One of the hardest things for me was reading the emails Whenever I was sad, I read then. If I was happy, I read them. NOT healthy for me. Of course the emails/messages are going to be full of love and concern.......but it doesn't mean they are 'real'. It is easy to write loving words. That is why there are libraries full of love stories. People like to read things like that For my own sanity, my husband deleted all the emails etc I had. Best thing he could have done since the only person it was hurting was me. Only thing is those are burned into my brain and I can recite them, word for word. But for me, reading these emails was just keeping me in that place of such extreme pain. It was slowly destroying me. If you are not wanting to get rid of them, could you give them to a friend? I am not sure if you are wanting to stay married or not. I know my husband was a FOOL. But I also know he loves me. And I know I love him. I also know things will never be the same again 4
snappytomcat Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 My husband's affair lasted 15 years, so I understand your fears/feelings. I discovered it last November and am still processing it all. One of the hardest things for me was reading the emails Whenever I was sad, I read then. If I was happy, I read them. NOT healthy for me. Of course the emails/messages are going to be full of love and concern.......but it doesn't mean they are 'real'. It is easy to write loving words. That is why there are libraries full of love stories. People like to read things like that For my own sanity, my husband deleted all the emails etc I had. Best thing he could have done since the only person it was hurting was me. Only thing is those are burned into my brain and I can recite them, word for word. But for me, reading these emails was just keeping me in that place of such extreme pain. It was slowly destroying me. If you are not wanting to get rid of them, could you give them to a friend? I am not sure if you are wanting to stay married or not. I know my husband was a FOOL. But I also know he loves me. And I know I love him. I also know things will never be the same again wow frogs,thats hard im sorry,my husband said it was easy to for him to write fiction,cause that's all it was it wasn't real,at first I had a hard time with that cause I told him I could never write or say I love you to someone if I didn't mean it,but now I realize a lot of people its as easy to say as please pass the salt 2
frogss29 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 wow frogs,thats hard im sorry,my husband said it was easy to for him to write fiction,cause that's all it was it wasn't real,at first I had a hard time with that cause I told him I could never write or say I love you to someone if I didn't mean it,but now I realize a lot of people its as easy to say as please pass the salt I sort of think my husband thought he had to say these things because he MUST be in love to be doing something like this. I am sure most BSs say this....but this was SO unlike him. He got into something he had no idea how to handle (obviously)
dichotomy Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 My two cents - I tended to take any flirty emotional things said between the two of them with a grain of salt. However if any of the emails talked about me, her feeling or thoughts about ME - I tended to put more weight on those. 1
Fluttershy Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 My H's affair was rather short. I cannot fathom the pain of finding out about affairs that last for years... Sometimes as long as the marriage. I would never compare my pain to that. I have no idea how I woul have handled that so o course i am hesitant to even suggest considein reconciliation. 1
frogss29 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Pain is pain. We have been married 36 years so I know my husband very well. And I know our short comings. And his! I also know how strong our marriage really is. If I just focused on the affair, that is one thing. But I also know how our marriage truly was during the affair. Seeing someone every couple of months/talking on the phone for a few minutes/texting every few days etc does not add up to what we had/have. Shame we had to go through this. And weird that I can say this has really shaken us up and made our marriage stronger. Apart from the times I rethink all those AWFUL thoughts, we are really, really, REALLY happy. MC has definitely helped us. I am learning not to be angry and out of control. He is learning to listen to my pain and help me through it. 1
burnside.rose Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Thank you for your words of confirmation. I feel like I am losing my mind sometimes. I don't know how any BS can get over an LTA. It can't just be wished away. It breaks my heart. I do know many times it is "the little woman" that gets over an LTA and it is usually a BH that walks. Well give me a pair of boots and a shot of testosterone, because I won't be staying looking to rebuild a COMPLETELY shattered foundation which in my case was NEVER there to begin with, no matter what my bullsh#$ my WH feeds me. Agree with you.... LTA not equal to ONS. Damn….I wish it was a one night stand or some drunk slip-up. But my wife’s A was a LTA (PA for a year & then an EA for another year). So many layers to the LTA, my wife said I love you to this guy, they had dates & day-trips to places, even business trips together (they were co-workers). The gradual disconnect they have from you is amongst the worst. Slowly bit by bit, they pull away from you (be it emotionally, physically), & get closer to the OP, the communicate more with the OP than you. Eventually you don’t talk or cuddle like you used to. My wife used to pull away when I’d touch her. And through it all, I thought I was doing something wrong. Hearing that she told the OM “I love you” hurt more than the sexual stuff. The LTA is so deep I don’t know how to ever get past it. It’s only been a month for me…I’ve moved from 100% never reconcile to 99% never reconcile. And I don’t know if it goes any further than that. I feel your pain.
snappytomcat Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Pain is pain. We have been married 36 years so I know my husband very well. And I know our short comings. And his! I also know how strong our marriage really is. If I just focused on the affair, that is one thing. But I also know how our marriage truly was during the affair. Seeing someone every couple of months/talking on the phone for a few minutes/texting every few days etc does not add up to what we had/have. Shame we had to go through this. And weird that I can say this has really shaken us up and made our marriage stronger. Apart from the times I rethink all those AWFUL thoughts, we are really, really, REALLY happy. MC has definitely helped us. I am learning not to be angry and out of control. He is learning to listen to my pain and help me through it. he is so lucky,to have such a strong woman,wish I had your strength,im working on it though 1
frogss29 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Yes, he IS lucky . And so am I. I think I really thought long and hard if I wanted to stay married and work it out. I do. If I thought this wasn't right for both of us, we would have finished it. But I must admit life isn't perfect. When i read another post about being able to send messages to his phone with him thinking it was from HER, I was so tempted to do it. So, obviously the trust isn't there yet. For the first few months I was a mess. An absolute mess! But I am stronger now. Still sad But hopeful. 2
Realist3 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Please don't read them, do not punish yourself This is what I would suggest. You are not reconciling, and you know the extent of the affair. Reading all of those just seems like punishing yourself for the heck of it. Each time you are tempted to read them ask yourself what positive can come from it.
confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I am so sorry for this. My husbands was a somewhat LTA, but I do nothave the messages. As far as I gather from relentless "grilling" of my husband this was not the case with his affair at all. I do not believe I'd still be here if that was the case.
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