lofi_tokyo Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Hi everyone! I'm wondering - when you've been a dumpee, did you seriously self-evaluate your mistakes / how your contributed to the breakup, even if your EX was mostly at fault? I was the dumper in a 3.5 yr relationship that ended 6 months ago, and a big part of me leaving was I was always having to apologize for things. I often took the blame for our relationship struggles and would agree that I was the messed up one. In truth, we had normal mis-communications or disagreements like every couple where each person was right and wrong in some way - I just always took the blame. Today, I'm feeling pretty angry (a rare emotion for me). Even in breaking up and wanting me back badly, my ex never was accountable for how hurtful he was at times - he blamed the breakup on my "extreme low self-esteem" (my self-esteem is pretty normal...). I don't think he feels like he needs to look at how he contributed to the breakup, because he blames me entirely. So I'm wondering - will he EVER acknowledge his role, at least to himself!? Frustrating!
Philosoraptor Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Well simply enough that's his issue. If he chooses to grow, good for him. If not, that's his choice as well. Nothing you need to concern yourself with. 2
Author lofi_tokyo Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 Well simply enough that's his issue. If he chooses to grow, good for him. If not, that's his choice as well. Nothing you need to concern yourself with. You're right! I'm sorry - I maybe shouldn't have included my own story in my post, I was more concerned with just hearing other people's stories of growth / learning, but I think maybe I confused my post by writing it poorly. For my part, I always go into deep periods of self-reflection and learning about myself after a breakup, dumper or dumpee!
k10k Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Yea.. I can relate. My ex has blamed our demise on me & my faults, and left with a final "I don't believe you can change" message. Every time we had an argument, I was also the one who ended up apologizing just to keep the peace. I'm beginning to get glimpses of just how 'effed up our dynamic was. I can see my faults clearly and know I have work to do on myself.. as far as he is concerned, well that is no longer my problem. 1
jphcbpa Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 say it to yourself 3 times out loud...."it does not matter" keep focused on you, your part and what you learned about you. 2
stillfiguringitallou Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 that depends on his personality I did - and still am - even though the breakup was somewhat mutual - for similar reasons to what you are disclosing. I think sometimes they see they have problems - they just have this sense of entitlement the whole "if you can't handle me at my worst..." generation BS mentality. If you love someone you strive to be your best - do we always succeed - heck no - but you apologize when you don't - suck it up - and strive to do better next time. 2
tinker683 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 that depends on his personality I did - and still am - even though the breakup was somewhat mutual - for similar reasons to what you are disclosing. I think sometimes they see they have problems - they just have this sense of entitlement the whole "if you can't handle me at my worst..." generation BS mentality. If you love someone you strive to be your best - do we always succeed - heck no - but you apologize when you don't - suck it up - and strive to do better next time. This!!! My ex seemed allergic to self-responsibility. Every was always someone or something else's fault. Whenever it got into a fight, GOD FORBID it was because she was being incredibly difficult, it was always something with ME, something I was doing. Small wonder I got so angry, I couldn't win!!! In retrospect though, I learned a lot as a result of my relationship with her and I've grown a lot as a human being. As such, as much as a lot of the relationship hurt me... I'm glad I had it though. I'm stronger because of it That being said...I've found that people who refuse to ever take responsibility for their own actions tend to build prisons of their own design and they refuse to leave them. That's their problem and has nothing to do with you. But... yeah, I get what you're feeling though. 100 percent 1
Never Again Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 During my breakup, where her feelings just seemed to fade out, we both took responsibility. I blamed the depression I had been going through. I was in a constant mental fog due to stress and just couldn't handle it properly, so I pulled away from her a little...and acted "too nice" in others. I had been boring, exhausted and passive for the last two months of the relationship. She claimed that the problem was her. That she didn't know what she wanted from life...she didn't know who she was or where she was going. She needed to "figure herself out". The truth of the matter is just somewhere in between, I think. I wasn't being ME, and the person who took my place just wasn't attractive to her. She was having a quarter-life crisis. We used to see each other 2-3 times a week and would stay overnight frequently...but in those last 2 months, we saw each other once a week on average, and only spent the night half the time. I pushed her to work more instead of spending more time with me, and I lost my sense of humor. I basically forced her to be boring and pulled all the excitement out of the relationship, and was pushing her towards more stress instead of taking her out and having a good time. Neither of us communicated about the issues. I was in denial about my own and was in such a funk that I didn't see what was going on in the relationship until it was too late. She was too scared and didn't know how to talk to me about everything, especially when her feelings were dropping off. Can't say I learned much except to not try to be "tough" and deal with things on my own, and how to be really sad over life ruining something grand. 1
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