colombiana28 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I pay. I always pay. I am a man and she is a woman. I have a role and she has a role. Feminists are promoting the women who do it all, career, family, everything and that men are no good. I am anti-feminist. I'm sorry. You seem like a very fearful person. I don't know any attractive women, even traditional ones, who would want someone so bitter. I am a feminist who absolutely adores men and will bend over backwards (even literally, heh heh) if it makes him feel good and manly and sexual. The truth is, regarding women "Wanting to have it all" - we're not going to go backwards. Us women can vote now (I know, I know, terrifying) and even choose to have a career and forego having children. This sh*t ain't gonna change. But as your pain and bitterness become more apparent, your archaic views make sense.
Keenly Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 As a woman who believes in equality, picks up the bill half the time, and yet acknowledges the differences in wiring between the sexes, I find this post melodramatic and laughable. But knowing your posting history, I'm more than aware of your general whininess, so not shocked that a simple axiom that has existed since the dawn of time offends you so. You must have me confused with some one else. Good thing personal attacks strengthen your argument. Oh wait...
Eau Claire Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 The more things change, the more they stay th same. Earlier this month we went out for an evening with two other couples. Dinner and dancing. When the bill came at the end if the evening, the 3 guys are almost fighting ( in a fun way) over who gets to pay. If any of us women had tried to put a few dollars on the table, the guys would be mortified and stuffed them back into our purses. 4
Phantom888 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 You guys are mature enough to know how things run in the dating world, so there is no misunderstanding for sure. He wants to split things evenly, and he has boundaries with his money. My guess is that he isn't all that romantic either. This guy is not gonna change. He is in his 30s and has been doing this all his life. In a relationship, he will expect complete equality when it comes to material stuff. If you are okay with this, continue. I don't think you like this. There will be fights about this if you haven't had already. You should really consider if you want to stay with this dude. It's really not an attractive trait...and it's really petty. I always pay for my dates. I still pay for most of my dates with my GF, even though (as of this year) she earns more $$ than me. I just enjoy paying for her and pampering her. We are both high-level executives, so $150 dinners don't really hurt our wallets that much. But she enjoys paying once in a while so that she could contribute. I appreciate that. On a normal weekend, she would buy movie tickets for us, and I would get movie snacks and dinner afterwards. I like sharing the bill, but I prefer to pay most of it. Men should understand that. It's not about getting sex in return. It's about being a man. 6
Danger Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 So......It's like being truly equal, except the woman is more equal. Because, you know, she deserves to be paid for.
kaylan Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Exactly Lola.. I'm just not sure anymore- I don't understand what the problem is to me with splitting bills. Why not? But that one time to feel 'worthy' or some BS like that won't go away. Already did this guys... I bought tickets to a play last week, in the hope that he 'got' it. I said 'my shout this time, easier than always splitting stuff etc' or something similar. Gesture not returned. Interestingly no sex as yet. Stayed over a couple of times but he let me know before anything happened that he didn't want to go there yet. I am baffled. He talks about me all the time to others, parents want to meet me and he acts like he's crazy about me. Im all for dutch and all...but I return favors...especially when girls go out of their way to treat me. Seeing as many women dont cover a full date early on, its very impressive if a gal does that. Id def have made it up to you by showing you a great night, and then a great morning;)...no cash out of your pocket. 1
Iguanna Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I'll pick up date 2, he picks up date 3, and we just continue to treat each other. Sure, maybe I pick up 2 in a row sometimes, or he does, but in the end it balances out. There. Done. Equality. Why can't equality be translated by everyone pays their share? Why do the rules have to be, you pay one time- I pay the other, and that's equality and balance? And if in the end of lets say 10 dates you both have spent the same amount of money (him paying 5 of them and you 5 of them), why is it so essential that someone treats the other??? It doesn't make any sense.
FitChick Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 What does he spend his money on? If he is cheap with himself, then he is Scrooge. If he freely spends money then he might be waiting to have sex with you before he pays. You could be passive-aggressive and pay the whole bill next time (go some place cheap) and then the time after that (go some place pricey) say, "I paid last time, it's your turn." If he balks and says "But the other place was cheap and this place is expensive" you know you're dating a cheapskate. 1
Author supercallafraj Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 Thank you for all the comments so far... they are much appreciated! All views. With regards to him, he does spend money on himself yea. New clothes, on interests etc. plus I suppose paying for his girl-friend into the bar shows he's not cheap... he just didn't pay me in too thus making me feel second rate I guess! Yea he's a nice guy too, has loads of friends who love him and a close family. Pretty hard to call, all of this.
Candice Luna Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 plus I suppose paying for his girl-friend into the bar shows he's not cheap... he just didn't pay me in too thus making me feel second rate I guess! Yea he's a nice guy too, has loads of friends who love him and a close family. Pretty hard to call, all of this. Huh? He pays drinks for a female friend but not for you? In the same night? I usually go dutch BTW, and I'm okay with that. But I'd be offended if he paid for another woman and not for me. WTF was he thinking?? 1
Danger Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I know I will catch serious flak for this..... But, given this day and age of "equality". How is it right to expect this sort of thing from a man? Being equal doesn't mean all of the benefits but none of the responsibilities. It means that you treat each other like decent human beings regardless of gender. And that means not having expectations that one sex pays. What kind of person wants to be equal but then wants special treatment based on gender? 1
sydneysider1978 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I usually feel most comfortable when myself and a guy both pay for dating. But I hate splitting the bill, it just feels so mean-spirited to be be quibbling about cents on a date. Even if we spend the same amount of money, one person paying for the movie tickets, the other paying for snacks just feels more generous and romantic. OP, are you turned off because he's not spending more money on you, or is the penny-pinching bill splitting?
Eau Claire Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I know I will catch serious flak for this..... But, given this day and age of "equality". How is it right to expect this sort of thing from a man? Being equal doesn't mean all of the benefits but none of the responsibilities. It means that you treat each other like decent human beings regardless of gender. And that means not having expectations that one sex pays. What kind of person wants to be equal but then wants special treatment based on gender? I do. I am female. I like being taken care of by my man in my social and personal life. I like it when he drives, opens door for me and pays for dinner. We have a loving relationship. He feels like a man and I feel like a woman. I really don't care who declares it being 'fair' or not. Our relationship isn't based on anyone's expectations but our own. My guy has enough confidence to act as he pleases. His priority is taking care of me...I love that. 1
FitChick Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I think he is waiting to see if you will have sex before being more generous. There is only one way to find out... He might be lousy in bed anyway. If he is still cheap afterward, dump him.
Author supercallafraj Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 Yes it's definitely the 'penny pinching' over spending more. I only wanted him to pay once, for this BS worthiness gesture thing I keep banging on about. Splitting bills is just really awkward and taking it in turns is preferable. On the sex thing... I don't think he's waiting for that. I'm waiting ha! I would have had it last time I stayed over but he didn't want to. Not that I came on too strong, god no, but yea it was obvious things were heating up and at the last minute he pulls away. First time he sat me down to tell me he doesn't think we should have sex yet (5th date, fair enough) and then that was the last time. I'm all for alpha females etc but I genuinely thought it was the guy that normally is wanting to do it from the 1st date onwards!
Eau Claire Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 (edited) Each of us have our own expectations. However, I don't let any man I'm not completely sure about touch my body. This fellow comes across as not exactly the man I'd choose for my children. If I am not comfortable coming right out and saying let's stop all this silly check splitting...then I'm not comfortable getting naked with him. In a lighter note I have a bizarre image of a woman having sex with this fellow. Mechanical. An alarm sounds at set intervals and a box is ticked off on a list. An aside...putting on my nurse's hat... If a man is delaying being intimate he is often concerned about performance. Neither rare or unusual. Be patient the first couple times as he is usually ok after a bit. Edited January 30, 2014 by Eau Claire 1
MidwestUSA Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Each of us have our own expectations. In a lighter note I have a bizarre image of a woman having sex with this fellow. Mechanical. An alarm sounds at set intervals and a box is ticked off on a list. Hmmm. A timer goes off. 'I've spent 23 minutes going down on you. Your turn, fair is fair.' Yea. I mean no. An orgasm ratio of 1:1 is not gonna work for me! 2
georgecostanza Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Ok I appreciate this may cause some controversy here but I'd be very grateful of any advice/ thoughts on this... I would not say that I am a 'traditional' female and in fact I strive to be as equal to a man as I can. I'm in a good job and support myself etc. I can't work this out but still, despite feminist tendancies, I am turned off if a guy doesn't pay for at least one stand-alone round of drinks or entry to a club etc. on a date. I really like someone and we've been on 8 dates or so. Moving into relationship territory or he's certainly gave signals he wants that. Only... I've been biting my toungue as from the 1st date everything has been split down the middle. Sure, on a 1st date guys don't know if it will work out so why bother with dinner etc, go in rounds for drinks. But we've been for meals, theatre etc and everything is split. We went for breakfast and it was like $5 each and he still split the bill at the till. We both really like each other, seems a shame to rock the boat with confrontation about bill splitting. I can pay my way... but something deep down feels put out and just wants the gesture or to be 'treated' once. Once would do. I don't know why? How do I articulate this without actually saying that... as I will come across as needy/controlling/demanding. Perhaps I am in this thread, not sure. Anyone resonate with this?? All opinions appreciated. You're bothered by it because at best it shows he is not generous and potentially socially naive. At worst it shows he is stingy. This would be a deal breaker for me if I'd dated a girl for this long and she'd not made any gestures like this.
Maxtor Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Just say, hey man... my autonomic nervous system is in disarray over this equality $hit and I need you to be a sport and help me equilibrate. Take this bow and arrow (club, knife, slingshot or whatever) and go into the woods and bring me back a dead animal, the larger the better. Gut it, cut it up and start a fire by rubbing these two sticks together. Then, while the meat is smokin', grab me by the hair and drag me off behind a tree and phukk me like you own me, like a neanderthal. No words, just grunts and drool. If you could do that for me just once I think everything will be fine after that. Best....comment...ever.
Woggle Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I always treat a woman like a lady when she shows she is worthy of being treated like one. I am sorry but no sane person would agree to how some women want things to be these days. They want to be treated like a lady but then they refuse to treat a man like a man. How dumb does it sound to want to back out on an agreement but the other party is still expected to do everything they once did. Chivalry is a two way street. 2
TheBlingRing14 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 What does he spend his money on? If he is cheap with himself, then he is Scrooge. If he freely spends money then he might be waiting to have sex with you before he pays. You could be passive-aggressive and pay the whole bill next time (go some place cheap) and then the time after that (go some place pricey) say, "I paid last time, it's your turn." If he balks and says "But the other place was cheap and this place is expensive" you know you're dating a cheapskate. I actually LOVE this suggestion. It would be a great way to see if he is maybe just flighty on social etiquette, or whether he really is paying close attention to the dollars and cents.
anna121 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I really, really hate penny pinchers. I used to have a friend who would take a dollar from the total on the table, to make it was even. Drove me bonkers. I never expect a man to pay for me, but after 8 dates if a guy hasn't once FELT like paying I would start to detach. I also wanted to say, a 32-year-old guy not having had a relationship longer than 11 months (if I'm reading you right) would be a red flag to me. And might explain some of this other stuff. YMMV. 1
Danger Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I do. I am female. I like being taken care of by my man in my social and personal life. I like it when he drives, opens door for me and pays for dinner. We have a loving relationship. He feels like a man and I feel like a woman. I really don't care who declares it being 'fair' or not. Our relationship isn't based on anyone's expectations but our own. My guy has enough confidence to act as he pleases. His priority is taking care of me...I love that. That is great you have found a man to do that, but it is anything but an equal partnership. I love doing things for my gf. But I drew the line at mixing money or getting married. She takes care of cleaning and cooking, I take care of all things mechanical and the outdoor work. She gets the benefit of my security and I get sex when I want. We both really love it. Having said that, most men today would not have the balls to make sure they receive their fair share of the relationship. Hopefully you are not denying him anything he wants either.
carhill Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Having said that, most men today would not have the balls to make sure they receive their fair share of the relationship. Hopefully you are not denying him anything he wants either. That brings up another interesting point; fear. Relevant to the topic at hand, it's entirely possible that why the man won't pay is because it's his style and he has no fear of walking or being 'walked' (left) for his decision. It's his style, he's not afraid of the consequences, and sticks with it. In man-speak, that's having 'balls'. Will some women avoid him or leave him or disparage him privately and/or publicly? Yes! That's life.
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