mortensorchid Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I have this problem I may have posted on before. I am the Alpha Female. Not a Bad Girl, but a strong force. I have a strong personality, I have a variety of interests and many friends, I have achieved many things and in general I am happy with my life. When I meet someone and begin dating, I often find myself as the Man in the relationship. That is, I make the decisions and plan things, introduce him to my friend circles, etc. I may not have always made the best choices, but who hasn't? Often times I try to share the power, truly I do. I ask the man "what do you want to do?" And he would say "whatever you want" so then I would make the decision and that would be the end of it. Unfortunately I find the man ends up resenting it, breaks it off, then the next one he ends up with is the weaker one behind him just like it always is. Any thoughts? I am certainly not going to change, and when I attempt to share power they don't seem to want to. Anyone else have this problem?
MrNate 2.0 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I have this problem I may have posted on before. I am the Alpha Female. Not a Bad Girl, but a strong force. I have a strong personality, I have a variety of interests and many friends, I have achieved many things and in general I am happy with my life. When I meet someone and begin dating, I often find myself as the Man in the relationship. That is, I make the decisions and plan things, introduce him to my friend circles, etc. I may not have always made the best choices, but who hasn't? Often times I try to share the power, truly I do. I ask the man "what do you want to do?" And he would say "whatever you want" so then I would make the decision and that would be the end of it. Unfortunately I find the man ends up resenting it, breaks it off, then the next one he ends up with is the weaker one behind him just like it always is. Any thoughts? I am certainly not going to change, and when I attempt to share power they don't seem to want to. Anyone else have this problem? Just find a submissive man. Problem solved. If you have problems sharing power, then a dominant, assertive man is probably not for you. 2
regine_phalange Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Omega female here. There were times when Ive had the same "problem" with making the devisions, but without the men resenting me. I resented them instead and broke it off.
Grumpybutfun Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I am alpha and am married to an alpha. It is always interesting, challenging and fun. We can make it work because we aren't in a power struggle. We just have learned to let the other play to their strengths. It is always about negotiation with us and it works. We make a powerful team. Best, Grumps 5
Emilia Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 When I meet someone and begin dating, I often find myself as the Man in the relationship. That is, I make the decisions and plan things, introduce him to my friend circles, etc. I may not have always made the best choices, but who hasn't? Often times I try to share the power, truly I do. I ask the man "what do you want to do?" And he would say "whatever you want" so then I would make the decision and that would be the end of it. Unfortunately I find the man ends up resenting it, breaks it off, then the next one he ends up with is the weaker one behind him just like it always is. Any thoughts? I am certainly not going to change, and when I attempt to share power they don't seem to want to. Anyone else have this problem? I follow your posts and I don't agree with the above assessment. I think you do those things because the men you seem to pick aren't that interested. I get the impression from what you post that you have low self-esteem and you allow men who don't value you all that much treat you the way they want to. It's not that they resent you for being strong, they don't seem to respect you much from the start.
BikerAccnt Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 As a man who enjoys dating "alpha females" let me ask you this. What happens when the man you are dating does suggest a place to go. Do you just say ok, or do you argue for a different locale? Or do they not even suggest? I ask because many men have been conditioned over the years to not argue with a woman, it's not worth it. After a time we just begin to agree. Not saying it's right, but it is the way it is. If this is really early in the relationship, allow the man to take the lead if that's what you want. If you want the man to take the lead, you need to let him, then follow. Don't be a doormat, but let him know that you appreciate his ideas. If you are always making plans, let him make them, then, accept the plans he makes.
soccerrprp Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I am alpha and am married to an alpha. It is always interesting, challenging and fun. We can make it work because we aren't in a power struggle. We just have learned to let the other play to their strengths. It is always about negotiation with us and it works. We make a powerful team. Best, Grumps I'm in the same situation. I don't know about all this ALPHA, OMEGA, BETA, OMICRON crap, but my gf and I can be assertive and we both are decisive to our strengths. We share when we can, but we have also learned to defer when needed and accept the decisions made. Power struggle, no. Give and take, being considerate and loving to see each other be him/herself and in control. OP, a lot of men are nervous about so-called ALPHA females. They don't like them. It threatens their ego and manli-hood. You haven't found someone who's comfortable with that. Word of warning though, find another alpha-male is not necessarily the answer. You can imagine why. 1
TaraMaiden Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I have this problem I may have posted on before. I am the Alpha Female. Not a Bad Girl, but a strong force. I have a strong personality, I have a variety of interests and many friends, I have achieved many things and in general I am happy with my life. When I meet someone and begin dating, I often find myself as the Man in the relationship. That is, I make the decisions and plan things, introduce him to my friend circles, etc. I may not have always made the best choices, but who hasn't? Often times I try to share the power, truly I do. I ask the man "what do you want to do?" And he would say "whatever you want" so then I would make the decision and that would be the end of it. Unfortunately I find the man ends up resenting it, breaks it off, then the next one he ends up with is the weaker one behind him just like it always is. Any thoughts? I am certainly not going to change, and when I attempt to share power they don't seem to want to. Anyone else have this problem? I, like Grumpybutfun, am also an Alpha married to an Alpha. This post bears linking with your previous thread on the 'new man in your life' whom you defined as 'boring' (although you then admitted further on, that perhaps you used an incorrect term....) Basically, you now find that you have developped or established an either/or pattern: You either link up with Alpha males, but they're strong in a wrong way, or you link up with Males who display Beta and < characteristics - which frustrates you and puts you off. I hate the term 'people-radar' because I really don't believe there's any such thing. But you need to broaden your search and focus on looking for guys who already live life with a slight frisson to their days. 3
PegNosePete Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I ask the man "what do you want to do?" And he would say "whatever you want" so then I would make the decision and that would be the end of it. This is not attempting to share power, this is asking him to put in a little effort but he is being indecisive and lazy. I think the problem is that you are picking wusses rather than happy, confident men. I would love someone who takes the initiative like you. Pontification is one of my biggest turn offs. I would never, ever say "whatever you like" if a woman asked me what I wanted to do. I would say today we're going for a 12 mile hike so grab yer boots. And if tomorrow you took your turn and said we're going mini golfing then I would say awesome what time do we leave. 1
soccerrprp Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 This is not attempting to share power, this is asking him to put in a little effort but he is being indecisive and lazy. I think the problem is that you are picking wusses rather than happy, confident men. I would love someone who takes the initiative like you. Pontification is one of my biggest turn offs. I would never, ever say "whatever you like" if a woman asked me what I wanted to do. I would say today we're going for a 12 mile hike so grab yer boots. And if tomorrow you took your turn and said we're going mini golfing then I would say awesome what time do we leave. He he...like this. My "problem" is that I offer 2-3 options and that's where negotiations may come into play. I'm equally enthusiastic about all the options, so an occasional "whatever you like, sweetie" leaves my mouth. My gf loves it! She loves that I do this and then once it's decided, there's no hesitation, it's a full go! All planned, all thought out.... Anyway, yup. Love women who can just let me know what's up. 1
GoodOnPaper Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Read the introduction to David Deida's book Way of the Superior Man. It's a very good explanation of how the in the best pairings, the man and woman have perfectly complementary masculine and feminine energies. I'm a big believer in it. When these energies are in sync, the man can feel secure in his role in the relationship even if he's not always the "dominant" one.
d0nnivain Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I'm an Alpha. Using books like The Secret . . . I put it out there to the universe to send me a man who was strong enough to let me be weak. Very hard to find. My husband is a Marine veteran but he's a back seat kind of guy. He prefer I make decisions because stuff that matters to me like where we have dinner or go on vacation doesn't mean as much to him. When he cares, he makes his opinion known. When we 1st started dating, I tried to tone myself down & let him lead. It was extremely frustrating. After we got married, I tried to be "a good little wife." That was maddening. Finally he sat me down & explained that in any relationship there has to be a chain of command & that he was happy for me to be in charge. As soon as he gave me that freedom, things got sooooo much better. On those rare occasions when I do fall apart, he has always been there to pick me up. If the man is so insecure that he can't step up to the plate & assert himself, you have no reason to put up with passive aggressive BS. Find a man who appreciates your efforts but continue to be open to the guy's input. In the beginning, I found it easier to present multiple choice questions rather than open ended ones. For example, instead of where do you want to go for dinner? ask would you prefer Italian, Thai or burgers tonight?
M30USA Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Alpha males think they're on top. But Sigma males really are. They just don't give a crap about the social hierarchy so they don't play the games.
Silly_Girl Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 We were talking about power last night over dinner, hubby, son and I. Son perceives I exert more power. Because I'm opinionated. Turns out we seem to take the lead depending on who feels the most passionate. My husband is super-laidback, but totally chose our house. A big decision. Most stuff he's happy to leave to me and I don't feel concerned by that. I do feel I can ask for support/decisions when I need to take a stap back. I can - almost physically - hand the reins to him and he'll take over. Because he cares about me, not because he's wanting to make decisions. I think it depends what the decisions are and how frequently it happens for you. 1
No Limit Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Feelin' with you. Not in a relationship right now but even my friend circle knows who to call if there's trouble and I also have no problem handling everything. Although, sometimes I do wonder if I'm Alpha or Beta female. I can lead the way but once I feel like having to be supportive I'm right behind ones back like a life insurance no matter what. Guess that will depend on how dominant Mr. Male will be.
hotpotato Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I have this problem I may have posted on before. I am the Alpha Female. Not a Bad Girl, but a strong force. I have a strong personality, I have a variety of interests and many friends, I have achieved many things and in general I am happy with my life. When I meet someone and begin dating, I often find myself as the Man in the relationship. That is, I make the decisions and plan things, introduce him to my friend circles, etc. I may not have always made the best choices, but who hasn't? Often times I try to share the power, truly I do. I ask the man "what do you want to do?" And he would say "whatever you want" so then I would make the decision and that would be the end of it. Unfortunately I find the man ends up resenting it, breaks it off, then the next one he ends up with is the weaker one behind him just like it always is. Any thoughts? I am certainly not going to change, and when I attempt to share power they don't seem to want to. Anyone else have this problem? You may have to find someone who is a little effeminate or is hyper masculine. You are probably not going to be appealing to the average man. The last guy I dated said i was intimidating then broke up with me. He is now with a girl who is not nearly as well read.
Quiet Storm Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 You need an alpha male. I think alpha female humans are like some other mammals- she dominates females and some males, but she still defers to the alpha male. You need a man that won't allow you to dominate him.
Got it Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I have this problem I may have posted on before. I am the Alpha Female. Not a Bad Girl, but a strong force. I have a strong personality, I have a variety of interests and many friends, I have achieved many things and in general I am happy with my life. When I meet someone and begin dating, I often find myself as the Man in the relationship. That is, I make the decisions and plan things, introduce him to my friend circles, etc. I may not have always made the best choices, but who hasn't? Often times I try to share the power, truly I do. I ask the man "what do you want to do?" And he would say "whatever you want" so then I would make the decision and that would be the end of it. Unfortunately I find the man ends up resenting it, breaks it off, then the next one he ends up with is the weaker one behind him just like it always is. Any thoughts? I am certainly not going to change, and when I attempt to share power they don't seem to want to. Anyone else have this problem? What I have learned with a very interesting assessment TalMetrics it isn't about being Alpha. It is about your thinking style, behavioral style and motivational style. It sounds like you are a Practical or Proactive/Structured. So you are more about systems and procedures or tasks and less about empathy/people. My thinking style is an Unconventional Practical pPactical. I am very much about tasks, results oriented, and coming up with new, novel and out of the box ways to think about things. It is a personality that is very fast moving and the person can be "two steps ahead" of others. The downside the person can be dismissive of other's thoughts when they don't align and can be critical of others. If one is cautious or inattentive to empathy you see people but it isn't the top priority. One is going to focus on what needs to get done and less about relationship building. Then if you add to that high dominance and higher steadiness you are going to be very assertive, make quick decisions and fast paced. I think that people tend to assume this is gender specific but it isn't. Both show these traits equally. So it is about assessing your dating partners and desiring someone else that is going to be a strong personality as well to give you some "push back" power. You probably feel like you want another high dominance, potentially high influence (which is not uncommon in executives or entrepreneurs). Great assessment to really get a better understanding of one's self and then assessing others.
mukkrakker Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Seems everyone is recommending a submissive guy - I'd go the other way, you need the challenge. If all you want is a pet, get a rescue dog and help two lives. Life should be fun, but that doesn't necessarily mean easy. You can certainly have an easy life, but that doesn't necessarily mean fun or fulfilling.
SadNLonley Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 What do you consider as Alpha? I am a woman who has always had to be in control of everything and very strong for everyone. Not that I necessarily wanted to, but my exhusband just couldn't be reliable to do anything on his own without direction. If I wasn't in control of situation, things fell apart. I always had to pick where we would go out to dinner, plan our vacation entirely, to making sure all appointments were made and constantly reminding of them. My recent exbf was kind of like that too. I don't know if he was just being nice in letting me pick or if he just wanted me to take control. Twice in our 3 years together he actually planned something. 1 was a Valentine dinner and the 2nd was a day trip to a beautiful winery. Anything else was planned by me. Even when we would do weekend trips away, it was always me who planned. Does that make me Alpha? I would absolutely love to find a man that took the initiative to make some decisions for us and plan nights out or planned a vacation. Not that I wouldnt want to put in my two cents, but just take the initiative to do it. Maybe I attract weak men. How the heck do I change that?
Aspasia33 Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 I work in the most male Alpha dominated field there is , and I run a company that employs the most alpha men imaginable. I've never felt I have to push " woman power" ( an expression I loathe, btw) To me it is largely irrespective if you are a man or a woman if you are good at what you do. I also have never had a man felt threatened by what I do.. Most of them love it. I do prefer being around people who are upfront about who they are and what they want , no matter what their gender is. And as one poster here mentioned, men have become conditioned a lot to asking a woman what she wants. To me, being an alpha anything basically means being happy and comfortable with who you are. Being able to lead and make decisions but also being able step back and let others make the decisions when appropriate. I also like Got Its alternative explanation of " alpha". It reminds me a bit of the Meyer Briggs definitions. ( I'm an INFJ) which is sometimes descrbed as an introverted leader:) With my relationship with my MM, I would always be the one making the plans, it did start bothering me, so I said to him that I'd like him to start organising things, he did ( and still does) and has come up with some fabulous places for us to go to and do. Maybe you just need to loosen the control reins a bit?
Tayken Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Any thoughts? I am certainly not going to change, and when I attempt to share power they don't seem to want to. I won't call those people you met "men", they are more like "boys" perhaps...you know the ones that their mum had to do everything for them, and they were never given the chance to use their cerebral Unfortunately for me....I wasn't married to an "Alpha woman", and am yet to meet one. I hate when a woman says to me...."you do it", "it's whatever you want" and "I can't think of anything"......bloody red flags for me. In my day job, I have subordinates and make decisions, I do not have to be doing that outside of work cost I am sick of it by the time I get home. I have pulled out of dates because the date refuse to contribute ideas for the first date..... I long for a strong, intelligent, independent, caring, classy sexy, sincere, honest woman...I guess I'll just keep on looking. Until then, the dates are fun
Recommended Posts