APGHD Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 It's been about 6 weeks since we broke up. She said she was unhappy and "fell out of love" but still had feelings for me after it happened. I wasn't a great boyfriend but I apologized for everything I did wrong and told her that I understood her change in feelings. After 2 weeks of LC and hanging out once as friends, we went NC for 3 weeks, and I asked her if she wanted to catch up. Her friend came along though, so we didn't really get to have a conversation at all, and the entire time she seemed anxious or uncomfortable. The next day I asked if something was wrong, and she said she has just been having a lot of issues lately, she said problems with anxiety (she never mentioned much about having anxiety when we were together, except for maybe going to a party for the first time). After the break she was relieved and happy from what I could tell. She doesn't seem to feel the same way anymore though, I've asked again if she's okay but with a similar response, "A lot of things have been going on and i dont want to add anymore stress". I don't mean to be an egomaniac, but I know her very well and I know she would at least mention something that has been bothering her, a simple "problems with school/family/emotional". Her and I have been best friends about 3 years prior to falling in love and grown up together for a long time. Our relationship wasn't very "official", I didn't treat it like an official relationship which she wanted. It was our first and I wasn't ready to be dedicated to someone. I recently apologized again and told her what changes I've gone through and what knowledge I have gained, and how my next relationship will be so much better because of her. After that spiel she said "I'm happy you talked to me" . We hadn't talked for a while before that point, and it really help me let go knowing that I she has a better idea of who I am now, and not who I used to be. We're turning 18 years old. I asked today if she wanted to go out for dinner in a few days, but it wouldn't work out with her schedule. She said she is worried that we'll get into another serious conversation if we hang out alone, which always leaves us in tears :/. I asked how she feels about us, which she replied "I don't feel indifferent to you. I just don't think I can right away be best friends again", and that we shouldn't hang out alone just yet (we hung out alone 2 weeks after the break up, but I think I pushed her away from feeling that comfortable since then.). I kind of wish she would say something concrete whether positive or not, something like "we won't be together again, I like someone else, I don't care about you", because at least I would know to move on! I don't know how she feels but I guess that's normal, right? My question is: If a dumper feels nothing for the dumpee, would he/she ever just admit it? Do dumpers ever just get confused, and need time and friendliness to figure out what they want? People say girls are more in touch with their feelings, is that always true? Do girls always understand their own feelings?I'm curious to hear from female dumpers in particular, because from what I know females are the most confusing. Any help is REALLY appreciated.
disclosure Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I kind of wish she would say something concrete whether positive or not, something like "we won't be together again, I like someone else, I don't care about you", because at least I would know to move on! I don't know how she feels but I guess that's normal, right? My question is: If a dumper feels nothing for the dumpee, would he/she ever just admit it? Do dumpers ever just get confused, and need time and friendliness to figure out what they want? People say girls are more in touch with their feelings, is that always true? Do girls always understand their own feelings?I'm curious to hear from female dumpers in particular, because from what I know females are the most confusing. Any help is REALLY appreciated. I'm no female, sorry. But to answer your question, rarely. Because usually the dumper doesn't ever suddenly feel "nothing" for you. I would bet that she probably is confused, especially in situations like this where there was no big fight etc that led to the break up, and given your history of being best friends. But the fact that she has stated that she has fallen "out of love" tells you that although she may care about you, this is it. You already have an answer. Even if she does need time, that means time away from eachother. Remaining in contact won't help either of you in this situation. 1
Radu Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Think of a dumper as someone who got the drop on the action of getting over the relationship. A dumper can go directly into forgetting the relationship. A dumpee has to handle denial, anger, acceptance, and then maybe to start forgetting the relationship. A dumpee generally has more to process, and less time to do so, so they end up many times chasing down the relationship with the dumper, even if the relationship was bad. In your situation, the best thing you can do is get over it. Either she will come around, and you two will get back together [and i'm not refering to the hysterical bonding that she will get into when she realizes you have started moving on], or your grieving process will take less time and effort. 1
TaraMaiden Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Ex-Dumper won't tell me how she feels? Yes she did: But either you're not listening, or you're ignoring it.... It's all here.... It's been about 6 weeks since we broke up. She said she was unhappy and "fell out of love" but still had feelings for me after it happened. I wasn't a great boyfriend but I apologized for everything I did wrong and told her that I understood her change in feelings. After 2 weeks of LC and hanging out once as friends, we went NC for 3 weeks, and I asked her if she wanted to catch up. Her friend came along though, so we didn't really get to have a conversation at all, and the entire time she seemed anxious or uncomfortable. The next day I asked if something was wrong, and she said she has just been having a lot of issues lately, she said problems with anxiety ..... After the break she was relieved and happy from what I could tell. She doesn't seem to feel the same way anymore though, I've asked again if she's okay but with a similar response, "A lot of things have been going on and i dont want to add anymore stress". I don't mean to be an egomaniac, but I know her very well and I know she would at least mention something that has been bothering her, a simple "problems with school/family/emotional". Her and I have been best friends about 3 years prior to falling in love and grown up together for a long time. Our relationship wasn't very "official", I didn't treat it like an official relationship which she wanted. It was our first and I wasn't ready to be dedicated to someone. I recently apologized again and told her what changes I've gone through and what knowledge I have gained, and how my next relationship will be so much better because of her. After that spiel she said "I'm happy you talked to me" . We hadn't talked for a while before that point, and it really help me let go knowing that I she has a better idea of who I am now, and not who I used to be. We're turning 18 years old. I asked today if she wanted to go out for dinner in a few days, but it wouldn't work out with her schedule. She said she is worried that we'll get into another serious conversation if we hang out alone, which always leaves us in tears :/. I asked how she feels about us, which she replied "I don't feel indifferent to you. I just don't think I can right away be best friends again", and that we shouldn't hang out alone just yet (we hung out alone 2 weeks after the break up, but I think I pushed her away from feeling that comfortable since then.). I kind of wish she would say something concrete whether positive or not, something like "we won't be together again, I like someone else, I don't care about you", because at least I would know to move on! I don't know how she feels but I guess that's normal, right? My question is: If a dumper feels nothing for the dumpee, would he/she ever just admit it? Do dumpers ever just get confused, and need time and friendliness to figure out what they want? People say girls are more in touch with their feelings, is that always true? Do girls always understand their own feelings?I'm curious to hear from female dumpers in particular, because from what I know females are the most confusing. Any help is REALLY appreciated. Through it all she has tried to let you down gently. you may think you wish to hear something concrete like - "I don't love you any more, and I don't want to see you again" but in her mind, that's akin to saying "Get lost creep, quit bothering me and just get the phekkin' message through your thick head why doncha??" She's not that up-front and in your face. So let me, as a woman, (the apparently more caring and nurturing gender) help: This is completely over. It's not the relationship she wanted; she never got out of it what you now realise (too late) she wanted you to put in. But there can be no friendship, between two people who have only just come out of a relationship; It can't be done. Read the No Contact Guide in my signature, and follow it to the letter. Leave her alone; she's done with this, and wishes you could be too. I'm telling you, any persistence on your part ill be clingy, needy, deeply distressing and completely irritating to her. Go your way, there's no going back. 4
Haydn Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I am afraid she owes you nothing and vice versa. 2
Author APGHD Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 After the break she was relieved and happy from what I could tell. She doesn't seem to feel the same way anymore though, what I meant to say is that she doesn't seem as happy as she did right after the break up. She says she has been stressed lately from unknown other things in her life from what she's told me. But anyways, I really appreciate all of your opinions. You're right it is over, it's just all still confusing to me. It's my first time going through this and that fact that I don't have that best friend to help me through it, like she did with all of the other things in my life, makes it very difficult. We were each others rocks when we were platonic friends, and I'm not used to living without her friendship. The only thing left for me is to be avoid contact and be friendly when we're in a group of friends I guess. :/
TaraMaiden Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 The only thing left for you is to go No Contact, and be distant and cool in her company, but avoid it if you can. Every encounter with her will be like a punch to the stomach. So try your best to just be as monosyllabic as you can. Friendliness is for buddies. You're still on the mend, and you can't mend if you keep ripping the stitches out....
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