Author AirForceWife038 Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 thank you, you are right I know the jabs need to stop. I really have been trying to control them the last few weeks. the last one was when we had friends over for dinner a few nights ago. The wife is always on her phone texting, he said something about us women being "hens" clucking back and forth at each other texting all day...I said yeah you're one to talk mr. 17,000 texts. or when our 18 year old went to pull out $ to pay us for his cell phone line and a condom fell on the floor, out of my mouth before I could stop it was "well at least someone is prepared" I know the digs and zings on his behalf need to stop and aren't helping the situation at all.
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 thank you, you are right I know the jabs need to stop. I really have been trying to control them the last few weeks. the last one was when we had friends over for dinner a few nights ago. The wife is always on her phone texting, he said something about us women being "hens" clucking back and forth at each other texting all day...I said yeah you're one to talk mr. 17,000 texts. or when our 18 year old went to pull out $ to pay us for his cell phone line and a condom fell on the floor, out of my mouth before I could stop it was "well at least someone is prepared" I know the digs and zings on his behalf need to stop and aren't helping the situation at all. Really join a gym and punch the crap out of the punching bag! It'll relieve your anger and make you get muscles! As well as tire you out in a good way. You're welcome. Vent it out here instead of blurting it out or have a journal ready to write down your zings! 2
drifter777 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 thank you all for your replies, i've read them all several times and it's surprising how spot on you guys are without even knowing alot of details. I think being in denial is correct (although i'm not supposed to realize this so maybe i'm not anymore?) in my head he is on a pedestal, so loyal... A person doesn't know they are in denial until it's pointed out to them. And as has been pointed out, denial is not wondering "how could he do this" or "this is so not him". This is confusion due to the shock of discovering that your SO has cheated. Denial is when your mind cannot accept what you know to be true. It's "forgiving" in hopes that your life will return to normal and that time will magically heal the wound. An example in your case is that catching your husband breaking NC is just another thing to work on in MC. That it's not a deal-breaker. That it's not the same thing as saying to you "my OW is still important to me - suck on that". That's why your counselor - in a brilliant move - translated his actions into something you can understand. However you proceed in your reconciliation you need to understand that to this point your WH is NOT committed to saving your marriage. His actions trump any words out of his mouth.
Fluttershy Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 A person doesn't know they are in denial until it's pointed out to them. And as has been pointed out, denial is not wondering "how could he do this" or "this is so not him". This is confusion due to the shock of discovering that your SO has cheated. Denial is when your mind cannot accept what you know to be true. It's "forgiving" in hopes that your life will return to normal and that time will magically heal the wound. An example in your case is that catching your husband breaking NC is just another thing to work on in MC. That it's not a deal-breaker. That it's not the same thing as saying to you "my OW is still important to me - suck on that". That's why your counselor - in a brilliant move - translated his actions into something you can understand. However you proceed in your reconciliation you need to understand that to this point your WH is NOT committed to saving your marriage. His actions trump any words out of his mouth. I agree with you except the H didn't break NC he broke full disclosure. OP, your full story adds a lot more to it. I think you are very muh in danger of blaming a magic vajayjay. Perhaps it is just how your words came accross. Your H didn't fall under a spell. An oppurtunity presented itself (OW was an oppurtunity) and he took it. He could have said no. Maybe without her he wouldn't have cheated, he definetly didn't help. But as he has issues that are his own, a different oppurtunity could have had the same results... You don't know. As to your lashing out, meh, you are fresh in and that is pretty mild. I would strongly reccomend you try not to say anything snide or cuttin in your kids presence. And when you dontrigger try to be more dorect and less sarcastic. But don't beat yourself up when you miss the mark. Just keep trying. Now your H's affair had a very public explosion. That is terrible your kids had to witness that. I urge you toget then into a gudance counseler. I am sorry you went through this. 1
Snowflower Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 airforcewife, first of all, (((hugs))) I can't imagine how awful this must have been for you. Reading your 2nd post about how it all went down at the party, your teenager/s witnessing part of it, you finding them together and he tells you he doesn't love you...oh my gosh, every infidelity story is heartbreaking but yours is especially so. It's hard for me to tell definitely because obviously I wasn't there but I think your counselor was brilliant in her approach. I know it hurt a lot but your husband's actions are not one of a man who loves you. I think she was trying to get you to see that and for you to draw your line in the sand and stand up for yourself. The sheer level of disrespect that your H has leveled at your through his actions AND words says a lot about where his head is and maybe even the type of man he is now. I've read a lot of stories here and yours is one of the most disrespectful. I was shocked to read that when you found him in the closet with her that he came right out and said to your face that he didn't love you and it appears he has said that again and again to the OW since. I fully expected to read that he was sorry and make the OW leave YOUR house. Instead he says she can stay, even after you asked her to leave? What kind of man does that. Again, the disrespect he has leveled at you is HUGE. Some of the worst I have ever seen. Sorry for the language but his actions and words are a big F-you to you, your marriage, your family home, your children and your friends. This counselor appears to be trying to get you to respect yourself since he isn't. Personally, I think you should try some more sessions with her. I wouldn't say you're in denial but you have yet to see the severity of your situation. Again, (((Hugs))) It's h*ll. I've been there and my situation wasn't even 10% of what yours is. It makes me almost "grateful" for my own, although that makes me want to puke...both for my situation and yours. 3
cozycottagelg Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 So where does this leave the OW? Did she think they were going to be together? Man I really feel for you... I think you are very brave for considering a reconciliation. I hope he knows how lucky he is to even be in the house.
lolablue17 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Counselors are not perfect. there are excellent counselors, average, and bad counselors. Also, there are counselors that fit to "X" but woud'nt fit to "Y". It doesnt matter what the counselors says. The only thing that matters is what you can take from her, what you feel is helpful for you. A good counselor should leads you to understand things on your own, to see things differently and to help you making the right moves which are helping you! only you! you are the center here. (and your husband of course) From what you described here, you should try another councelor, (and maybe more then one).
Confused48 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 or when our 18 year old went to pull out $ to pay us for his cell phone line and a condom fell on the floor, out of my mouth before I could stop it was "well at least someone is prepared" I know the digs and zings on his behalf need to stop and aren't helping the situation at all. LMAO!!!! That is hilarious. Now stop doing that. But if you don't please tell us about it. Its a guilty pleasure to hear about this kind of stuff.
underwater2010 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I am gathering from your posts that you are trying to reconcile. If that is the case the slams and zings need to stop. Keep them to yourself or post them here....we will understand. It is hard...but do your best. He also needs to be willing to talk about it, but he will not do that if he is verbally attacked. Please realize that the anger will take it's turn with the pain. It is what you do with that anger that will make the difference. I hope he understands why his non disclosure has set you back. But the good news is that he didn't respond. That is a step in the right direction. Men can be stupid sometimes....I am sure he was afraid of how you would react knowing that she contacted him again (not knowing it was you). As for the OW....you have every right to be pissed off at her. Hell, if I had been there when she turned and asked him if she had to leave....I would have punched her myself. Don't let anyone tell that she doesn't deserve some of your rage....she absolutely does...she opened her legs willing to a MM. Its not like she is innocent in all this.
VeronicaRoss Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 (edited) That is terrible your kids had to witness that. I urge you toget then into a gudance counseler. I am sorry you went through this. Ditto! That scene sounds like a battlefield in of itself, please get them a way to work through their thoughts, feels and trauma too. My hubby deals with people who have gone through trauma and he said if victims can talk through the experience with a professional trained in post-traumatic stress right away it helps tremendously with their ability to absorb it and move on. I was thinking reading through the rest of your story if only every person considering an affair would stop read your story, they'd have enough strength to not do it. I'm sorry you went through this, it isn't your fault at all. Sure have to wonder what is going on with him, the loss of memory and all that I'm wondering if there is some kind of other major trauma in his life re-surfacing, because his behavior is so extreme. Sounds like he needs a whole lot of help that is up to him to begin to heal. It sounds like you both have a lot of support too. That's a huge blessing. Edited February 1, 2014 by VeronicaRoss
Recommended Posts