AirForceWife038 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I've been reading this forum for a month now, wanting to post but every time I type something out it doesn't seem to make much sense. I realize now when I type how silly it sounds. blah blah blah we had such a good marriage, why me, how did this happen. I wish there was a magic ball that could give us all answers to "why". short version 19 1/2 year marriage, married since I was 18, both were active duty when we met, I got out to stay home with our first born. 4 children and many bases together. We had date nights twice a month, cuddled up together all the time, exercised together, active sex life, plenty of family time, friends...I thought we had it all. He was my best friend. He is such a great dad, we have 2 boys and 2 girls. He's always been so awesome he would come home from working 12 hours on the flight line all day and come in the door and change a diaper or give a horsey back ride or run a load of dishes, just a really awesome guy. Then december 7th I catch him in our master bedroom closet with one of my good friends during a bbq. since then life is a blur, christmas was chaos, i've spent most of the last 7 weeks feeling like i've been punched in the gut, mad, sad, hurt, angry (she should feel lucky that she's still breathing I know where she lives, works, goes to school within 10 miles of me), and mostly just shocked. everyone we know is shocked, he's just not the type of person who would lead a double life, or I thought he wasn't. I don't want to take everyones time up telling you my sob story, i'm just confused as to what the counselor said yesterday. My husband told her that I sent him a text from an app on my phone to his phone that makes it look like the OW sent him a text and when he replies it comes to my phone. I was testing him to see if he was going to be an "open book" as he claimed with full disclosure, but instead he read the texts and then deleted them. When I confronted him the next day he said he was going to tell me, I said sure that's why you deleted the texts?? our marriage councilor said "ok, so you tested him wanting to see if you could trust him, but you found out that you can't so now what"? I said that's why we are here, I want to believe him but I believed his love for me even while he was seeing her and I didn't know it for 3 months, so how can I believe anything he says now. she said "what if he told you he didn't want to be with you?" I said well that would be easy I would say it's over and lets learn to co-parent and go our own ways. She said well there you go, he already told you that. I said no he didn't he tells me it was the biggest mistakes of his life and he wishes he could take back time and just thought he fell in love with her but didn't and now realizes that. The counselor just kept saying he already told me by his actions that he didn't want to be with me. I turned to him and said is that true you don't want to be with me, he said Nooo I do, I never not wanted to be with you I don't know what I was thinking. so now i'm confused more than ever, when someone cheats is that them telling the other spouse that they don't want to be with them? I felt like nothing I said was good enough and was irritating the counselor, she said I have made myself an option for him, emotionally and financially dependent to where I was easily disposed of and like toilet paper only needed when it's not there. my husband thinks she is on a mission for us not to get back together, and wants a new councilor. i'm trying to figure out if there could be any other point to her saying those things. We were working towards reconciliation and now i'm wondering if a total stranger seems to think i'm stupid, then maybe I am to even think about working things out.
Allumere Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Yipes...well, I don't know if your therapist is a masochist or brilliant. That she made the point in the therapy session with your husband is really spot on. His actions are in direct conflict with what he is saying. He has not owned what he has done. He has not let go of the affair. He is not doing everything he needs to do, hence her comments. He is complying because he got caught and is scared. This is not to say that he won't but he ain't there yet. I would hope you are getting individual counseling as well...you both will need a lot of it. The negative to her approach (assuming it is an approach) is your husband being so turned off he backs out of counseling. If that happens, then push to find another counselor. 2
harrybrown Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 So sorry you are going thru this rotten experience. You have been wounded deeply. Yes, your counselor made a point, but at what cost? Feelings are tender right now. Your counselor needs to be more supportive of what you are going thru right now. I like that she is holding his feet to the fire. I do not know what he was thinking? I guess you do not have to expose, because many people know now. Has anyone reported him to his superiors? That could really hurt your family. What boundaries have been set? Did he agree to N/C? (also giving you all his passwords and he should be an open book) I hope he wakes up before he does any more damage. He will one day regret this, if he has not already. 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 And this is just another example of why I believe early MC is not useful. You are still processing what the affair means....to you. Still in investigative mode, deciphering, putting the puzzle together. Your WS, is still in covering up mode. How can a MC assist when one party has no clear understanding and the other is withholding vital information from the other? I would suggest going to IC, to assist you with processing the affair, how to care for yourself without the burden of fixing your WS during the same session. Be selfish. Focus on you and your healing. 4
janedoe67 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I agree about IC first. My h did this, and I think it made a difference. And when you DO go to MC, get another counselor. Their job is to help the married couple navigate things, not tell them what to do and make pronouncements. And get one that is well-rounded and not an extremist of any one approach. 3
BetrayedH Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I think your MC knows that your H is still hiding, lying, and avoiding and that (1) You disrespect yourself by accepting unacceptable behavior and (2) He won't stop until YOU take action that shows you won't stay in a marriage where he can't be trusted. She said it pretty plainly. You tested his trustworthiness. He failed. What are you going to do about it? Instead of holding his feet to the fire, she's holding yours to the fire. She wants you to take action to demonstrate that you won't continue to take this treatment. Your husband had an affair AND is still not being upfront with you. The ball is in your court. 3
carhill Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I'd suggest concurrent IC/MC and to get a MC referral if you feel this therapist is not a good fit. When interviewing a MC, pointedly discuss the therapist's plan for recovering the M from infidelity. Lastly, remember that, in MC, the marriage is the client and both spouses will be taken to task to bring the M to a healthy state. The infidelity is entirely the WS's responsibility but *both* spouses are responsible for the M and a good MC will task *both* spouses for their contributions. The BS doesn't get to sit back and watch the MC beat up the WS because a good MC won't do that. Personally, I'd recommend a clinical psychologist and one with consistent experience with infidelity and any other marital/personal issues relevant. Here's a quote I'll reference: "The counselor just kept saying he already told me by his actions that he didn't want to be with me. I turned to him and said is that true you don't want to be with me, he said Nooo I do, I never not wanted to be with you I don't know what I was thinking. so now i'm confused more than ever, when someone cheats is that them telling the other spouse that they don't want to be with them?" A good psychologist won't make such pronouncements, rather work the issue. 'How do you feel about his actions?' 'What actions could he take to cause you to feel he *does* want to be with you?' 'Why?' This is a process. It could take years. Strap in. Good luck.
cozycottagelg Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I think the counselor was a little harsh, however, if it gets the tough questions out in the open and you can see your husband working toward fixing the issues...I think that is a good thing!
VeronicaRoss Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I defer to those who say individual counseling is the right approach now. The therapist treated that session like it was just you there anyway. I respect this therapist is active and tackling a tough subject but maybe without a lot of finesse. Great point about looking at how he acts vs. what he says (great advice for everyone). Does she (?) know for sure he wants to end it? She might hear something in what he says that you're not listening to, but she needed to point that out to the both of you as well. Therapists aren't mind readers, I think acting like one instead of challenging him on what he really wants and why he didn't tell you about the texts was a miss. He deleted the texts, but also he didn't respond. So he isn't still acting out with her but he didn't tell you about it. Is that really a betrayal? It might but that may have been smart. You wrote she is lucky to be alive. Would the idea that she was sending him texts have sent you over the edge? I have to worry about that too. We don't know you, that could be you writing what every betrayed spouse feels, or that could be something you're capable of doing now. He would know better than the LS crew. Is your husband trying to protect you from acting out and hurting the OW and ending up in jail? So the jury is still out on if what he did was betrayal or not. I have to say my response to your desire to hurt her (totally understandable) was why aren't you that mad at the husband who humiliated you at a social event and broke your marriage vows? Why is he still in the house if you're that angry? Did he act out at a social event that so when he was caught they wouldn't be alone and they'd both be safer from your reaction? The subconscious mind is a very clever thing. He's is for sure the one that hurt you most. I respect that you said if he wants out, you're ready to move on. You're getting a lot of solid advice here from people who have experienced the same thing. I will say when one boyfriend broke up with me with the excuse he met someone else, I immediately went around the place gathered up everything of his I had and put it in a bag and handed it to him. He looked at me stunned and said "Don't you want to fight for me?" He had refused to directly deal with some issues we had for years. So my answer was "No, not if you need to have an affair to 'work it out'". He was a naval officer and made a big show about what a gentleman he was. Well after we broke up they both went around to our mutual friends to put me down in order to justify their affair. I heard about it from several people who were just grossed out. One of them then also told me he had a history of breaking up suddenly and dramatically with another woman in the wings 2x before. Wow, I had had no clue. Your husband might actually be showing you something about him you REALLY need to pay attention to. It can be amazing what you find out afterward. Good luck.
yellowmaverick Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 My first thought when I read your post was that your MC sounds like she is/was an OW or WW. Your MC's words were eerily similar to those of a MC for someone in my support group. After the MC said this, she offered to see the husband separately to determine "what he wanted". During the IC session, the MC hit on the husband. The couple obviously fired tbe MC and reported her. I'm not saying that your MC is the same, but I think you should be careful. If something feels off with her, find a new one.
painfullyobvious Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 (edited) I have a feeling your therapist knows the drill about secrecy and may be transferring. Her blunt attitude also is indicative of a therapist saying you two need to make a decision. Therapists do not give you the answers they get you too find the answers. There is a big difference Edited January 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Professional inferences redacted 1
underwater2010 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Personally....your WH NEEDS to hear this perspective. Because in all fairness, this is exactly what his actions were portraying. I have never been in MC before, but in this case it sounds like your MC is voicing the side of a BS. I would personally attend another session and see where it goes. Maybe he should write down exactly HOW these comments made him feel and so should you, bring them to the next meeting.
angie2443 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 so now i'm confused more than ever, when someone cheats is that them telling the other spouse that they don't want to be with them? I felt like nothing I said was good enough and was irritating the counselor, she said I have made myself an option for him, emotionally and financially dependent to where I was easily disposed of and like toilet paper only needed when it's not there. . I'm bothered by this. Why would your counselor say this to you? It sounds condensending. You're there to find answers to something that is confusing and painful to the majority who have been in your situation. Is this maybe her own anger coming out over something that happened to her? Is she trying to manipulate you into being what she considers a stronger more independent woman by putting you down so you'll get angry? I think the last thing you would need in your situation is someone making you feel worse. Even if a BS was not being very strong and putting their head in the sand or whatever, I would think that a good counselor would try to figure out why and go from there.
drifter777 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I can't know the context that your counselor's words were wrapped in or all of the history leading up to this particular session. As far as just reacting to what you have told us I agree with those that think your counselor is forcing you and your husband to grasp reality instead of continuing to live in denial. She is trying to get you to move forward and showing you the way. Based on the sessions that lead up to this, I don't even think what she said is necessarily harsh. It's real, but it might be what you need to hear at this time. As far as finding a different counselor, are you going to keep looking until you find one who tells you what you want to hear? That seems ridicules when you read it, right? Stick with this one because she's trying to shake you out of denial and your husband out of his fog. Stick with her and try hard to let her lead you out of this horrible mess.
angie2443 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I have to say my response to your desire to hurt her (totally understandable) was why aren't you that mad at the husband who humiliated you at a social event and broke your marriage vows? Why is he still in the house if you're that angry? Did he act out at a social event that so when he was caught they wouldn't be alone and they'd both be safer from your reaction? The subconscious mind is a very clever thing. He's is for sure the one that hurt you most. I respect that you said if he wants out, you're ready to move on. . I can't speak for OP obviously, but there could be many reasons for this. She's probably very confused, maybe shocked. I would be. From what she post, the husband was a very loving man and great with the kids. Right now she's considering working it out with him( from what I can tell) and at this point her mind may need to come to terms with the fact that this "good" man who was her best friend did such a horrible thing to her. Most situations I've seen like this, the rage comes after the confusion and shock. Also, who knows? Maybe she is deeply angry at her husband and just hasn't written about it. Maybe this is off topic, but something in your post reminded me of the tv character Dexter (sp). He's a serial killer but in the first few seasons he has this girlfriend who has two kids and he's an awesome boyfriend and perfect with the kids. Of course, the girlfriend knows nothing about his double life. I'm not saying the husband is a serial killer of course, but it is possible for a man/woman to seem perfect, caring, smart, and so on and also have a hidden darker side. I hope for OP's sake that her husband isn't a jerk on the inside and just knows how to hide it.
drifter777 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I was under the impression counselors didn't give opinions. They sometimes will if you ask them directly, but usually they want you to come to your own conclusions. In this example the counselor is not giving any opinions, she's translating the situation, as it is, into reality. 3
angie2443 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I can't know the context that your counselor's words were wrapped in or all of the history leading up to this particular session. As far as just reacting to what you have told us I agree with those that think your counselor is forcing you and your husband to grasp reality instead of continuing to live in denial. She is trying to get you to move forward and showing you the way. Based on the sessions that lead up to this, I don't even think what she said is necessarily harsh. It's real, but it might be what you need to hear at this time. As far as finding a different counselor, are you going to keep looking until you find one who tells you what you want to hear? That seems ridicules when you read it, right? Stick with this one because she's trying to shake you out of denial and your husband out of his fog. Stick with her and try hard to let her lead you out of this horrible mess. Maybe I missed something in the opening post, but I don't think there's any indication that OP is in some kind of denial. She mentioned the word "shocked" a couple of times and this seems fitting to me when she describes the situation. Confusion, shock, and lacking information do not equal denial. Having said that, I might have missed something in the first post that indicated denial.
RightThere Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I was under the impression counselors didn't give opinions. That was my thought as well. It's good the counselor is pushing the issue of your husband's actions being different that his words, but I think the line was cross in terms of telling you what you should think about it.
BetrayedH Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I was under the impression counselors didn't give opinions. Mine varied greatly. One IC just listened. Another gave very specific suggestions about what to do and gave me a yea or nay on my own decisions. Our MC incessantly asked how everything made me feel. In general, I think it's wise for therapists to avoid taking sides or being too opinionated and to instead let the individual come to their own conclusions. I think MC presents an extra challenge because the client is really the marriage and not either individual. So, the intent of the therapist is to recover the marriage at all costs. Many of them avoid taking sides to an extreme, focus on the "needs" of both partners and do a lot of damage in avoiding the affair. I think when something like infidelity or abuse is involved, a smart therapist will acknowledge that all opinions are not equal and some opinions are in fact coming from a dumbass. Further, I think it's critical for couples who have suffered infidelity to go to a therapist that specializes in infidelity so that people are called out on their shi.t. In this case, I suspect that the therapist has seen not just infidelity from the WH but also continued deception. She's calling out the WH for what his actions are saying and she's calling out the BW to get out of denial. Not coincidentally, this may be exactly what the client/marriage needs.
Fluttershy Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Your husband probably did not feel he didn't want his marriage. He wa sbein a cake eater. But just because he knows he still loved you and wanted you doesn't mean he acted like it. There was a disconnect between hiswords and his actions. And even from his feelins. He was thinking or really considering consequences. He was caught up in the addiction of his affair. He was being stupid. But now he needs to realize that by his actions he made you feel unwanted and unloved and that is what is important. I think your counseller could have been alittle clearer if that was her message. If she is on some sort of agenda to get you to dump him than yikes. That isnt a MC's job! I also think it is a good sign he never responded to the texts. Not telling you was cowerdly and shows he has a lot to learn but if he had responded... Yeah that would have been really bad. 1
drifter777 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Maybe I missed something in the opening post, but I don't think there's any indication that OP is in some kind of denial. She mentioned the word "shocked" a couple of times and this seems fitting to me when she describes the situation. Confusion, shock, and lacking information do not equal denial. Having said that, I might have missed something in the first post that indicated denial. When someone is in denial they don't know they are in denial. When a BW catches their WH breaking NC and does nothing about it but wait for her MC to fix it ("that's why we're here") - I think that BW is in denial.
BetrayedH Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 When someone is in denial they don't know they are in denial. When a BW catches their WH breaking NC and does nothing about it but wait for her MC to fix it ("that's why we're here") - I think that BW is in denial. In a similar vein, denial (for me) took the form of failing to acknowledge the significance of what's happened and what's going to be required to "fix it." When a known wayward is continuing to lie, that shouldn't be acceptable and should be met with a response that says as much. But BSs (myself included) still look for some "other" more reasonable response in a desperate attempt to salvage the marriage. I think that's a form of denial that's far more insidious and really damaging to the BS's self-esteem when it's taken such a blow already. What would be healthy for the BS's self-esteem would be to say, "Hey liar, I told you what I expected and you failed. Get the eff out because I'm not putting up with this crap. When you're prepared to get honest, maybe you'll get lucky and I'll sit thru another one of these sessions with you. In the meantime, you might want to let your boss know to expect some deputies to walk in the office to serve you with divorce papers." Instead, we see BSs putting up with multiple rounds of TT, multiple Ddays, and broken NC, and still not taking serious actions that are respectful to themselves. That's denial.
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 (edited) she said "what if he told you he didn't want to be with you?" I said well that would be easy I would say it's over and lets learn to co-parent and go our own ways. She said well there you go, he already told you that. I said no he didn't he tells me it was the biggest mistakes of his life and he wishes he could take back time and just thought he fell in love with her but didn't and now realizes that. The counselor just kept saying he already told me by his actions that he didn't want to be with me. I turned to him and said is that true you don't want to be with me, he said No Find another marriage counselor, this one is no good. She is not doing her job at all and doesn't 'get' that there's a long recovery, patience with some backsteps (aka him deleting texts), there has to be a bit of a grace period too. I hope you and your husband work hard together, reconnect and he fixes himself, tries to understand WHY he risked everything for shagging your friend, let alone doing it in the closet in your own home during a BBQ party. Selfish and cocky, like he thought he'd never get caught. If you feel your husband is worthy of a chance to make things right again, and your marriage can be put back on track, stick with him and allow him the chance to prove he can be trustworthy again. I also think it is a good sign he never responded to the texts. Not telling you was cowerdly and shows he has a lot to learn but if he had responded... Yeah that would have been really bad. Totally agree. It would have been great if he told you, but I'm betting he was scared to in case you wouldn't believe him, that he did not reply. His actions showed you two things, good and bad - But from now on he must be an open book, 100%, even if it hurts you. If he slips, and answers her or if he breaks contact first, he must tell you about it. Better to know all of it and not just bits and pieces. Edited January 31, 2014 by whichwayisup
Author AirForceWife038 Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 thank you all for your replies, i've read them all several times and it's surprising how spot on you guys are without even knowing alot of details. I think being in denial is correct (although i'm not supposed to realize this so maybe i'm not anymore?) in my head he is on a pedestal, so loyal...people always joked that he followed me around like a puppy dog. I can't wrap my brain around how he could do this. I see the details, I feel everything and I know it's real, but I am having trouble matching up the man i've known for 20 years with his recent actions. I close my eyes and feel like everything is going to be okay and it never happened, and then I open my eyes and look at him or family pictures on the wall and I want to vomit. D day when opening the closet door and finding them in there was one of the worst days of my life (and I have had plenty including loosing a newborn who only lived for 1 day) he stood up and said "I don't love you anymore, she has my heart" I cried saying "what??" we were just cuddling and made love a few hours ago, he said it meant nothing and he was not in love with me anymore. A crowd came into the bedroom including our teenage boys, the other wives stood in between me and the OW and told her to leave, she turned to my husband and said do i have to leave, he said no you don't have to and she looked at me and smirked. Our 18 year old son who has never been violent before ran up and punched his dad in the face and another man restrained him. Once again people told her to leave and said they were gonna let me at her if she didn't, I was trying to lunge at her calling her every name in the book, and she finally left my house. I don't remember much after that except crying for hours until the next morning when I woke up in disbelief. I guess while I was sleeping some friends were trying to track him down because he had left but not with the OW. By that afternoon he was texting me that he wanted to drive off the icy bridge, I think my responses were pretty much good step on the gas...not a proper response I realize now. I still had no idea that whole day what kind of relationship they had or to the extent. That night he stayed at a friends house, and the wife called me to say he was confessing to alot of stuff and I need to sit down and she told me he had been seeing her for 3 months and they had been sleeping together without protection (great!) and he thought he had been in love with her but now realizes it wasn't real. For the next few days me and the kids had no contact with him. He came home with our friends he was staying with to talk. That's when I found out that on D day when he left after she did that he went to our local park and he "doesn't know" how she got there or how they ended up in the back seat but they had sex again!!! At that point I told him to pack, he went upstairs and started packing and kissed our 4 and 7 year old's goodbye and went back to our friends house. I had to live with the aftermath trying to tell our kids everything was gonna be okay and that daddy loved them when inside all I could think of was how could he do this. For 2 weeks he lived there, supposedly no contact with the OW. His commander and first sgt came to our house and told me they know about what happened, the husband of the couple he was staying with is active duty also and said my husband kept hitting himself in the head screaming "why why why" so he went to his supervisor for help. They told me that they were forcing him to drop his retirement papers. He's been active duty for 22 years so it was going to happen in the next 2 years anyways. They sent him to the mental health clinic and they are seeing him twice a week and put him on new meds, he used to take anxiety pills every once in awhile for anxiety he's had since his 1st deployement (he's had 9 total over the last 22 years) so now they put him on something else. during those 2 weeks he didn't live here I started digging through everything and saw his text rate went from 1,600 a month to over 8,000 a month for those 3 months slowly building a few thousand more each month, and phone calls to her were 142 hours. This from a man who claimed he always had no time and was busier than usual those few months, now I know what he was busy doing. After Christmas we agreed to save $ he was going to move back into the house but live in a seperate room (our 18 year old moved out to college dorms). Sometimes he admits how wrong his actions were, and other times he has excuses like his anxiety meds made him selfish, or it wasn't real that it was like a video game fantasy and that every night when he was home with me that was what was real. He says he broke up with her several times (and I can see on her FB page where she is upset at the same times the phone calls stopped for a few days) but says she made him feel bad and he would meet her to comfort her...alot of excuses. He gives me some details but others he says he doesn't remember, and I know some of the questions I shouldn't even ask for my own good because they are personal but it's like i'm piecing together a puzzle. He says he told her he loved her but never said he was in love with her, says he did text her when he was at home and would tell her he wished he was with her and not me. Says he would talk to her about vacations and buying a house in the country and talk of the future but says it was all a fantasy wanting to help where her ex had let her down. On his cell phone calender he had her 3 teenage girls birthdays on his calender but not our kids. His excuse for that one was of course I don't have our kids I know their birthdays. Seeing that he called her on thanksgiving while I was cooking an 8 course meal for his relatives, called her on my birthday in november repeatedly, even while we were out on a date on my birthday at a musical he pretended to have to use the bathroom extra times to call and text her, he couldn't even respect my birthday. Called her from our daughters ballet class when he covered for me and was supposed to video tape but forgot to bring it, when really he was just busy calling her. Little things like that hurt a lot. I got alot of info out of him by showing him the form from sprint that I was going to submit to get a copy of all of the texts, I told him he better come clean with everything before I read them, without doing that I wouldn't know much. Really all sprint can give you with that form are each text's date and time, not the script unfortunately otherwise I would do it, but he doesn't know that It's been 7 weeks of details trickling in, I have blocked the OW's phone numbers but she seems to find other numbers to text from and says he told her he didn't love me that he was only staying because of the kids and our years together but was in love with her. One of her teenage daughters told me that she didn't know who her mom was "dating" just someone named "tom" she didn't put it together that my husband was "tom". He says he didn't know she gave him a fake name. The teen said she put 2 and 2 together an hour before I found them in the closet my husband came up to her and her sisters and said my husband told them he would never hurt their mother and loved her. He claims to not remember doing that but I believe the girl. I even let the OW come over on halloween and I let her borrow a costume and dress her up/hair/make up, when really I was dressing her up for my own husband. this sounds stupid but I really think if it wasn't for her he never would have cheated. He never flirts, never inappropriate with friends even when drinking. Then my "friend" came into the picture the end of august as the mother of one of my teens girlfriends mom. She was recently divorced, raising 3 teenage girls on her own, working at walmart and going to technical school. constantly telling me how lucky I was, how beautiful our house is, how great of a dad he is and how horrible her ex was. I was stupid and asked my husband to see if he could match her with one of the guys in our squadron. I guess that is when the phone calls and texts started, he says they were friends and he was getting to know her and tried setting her up with friends but the more they talked the more he bonded with her. She is the polar opposite of me, i'm blonde/blue 5' 7, 130#'s and a dominant personality. She is 80 pounds soaking wet, short, demure, dark features...I swear she looks like the grim reaper. I keep thinking how can he say he is still attracted to me if he was attracted to her? I take comfort in the fact that he didn't take her out on a single date or spend a dime on her, he says she asked him for money once and on a few occasions complained about gas money but he never gave her anything, trust me I checked. Without her pumping his ego I don't think he ever would have cheated because he's not the type of guy for girls to hit on...he's used to guys hitting on me when we go out but he's never had anyone hit on him. I would always tell him how much I loved him and how hot I still thought even after all these years he is but I guess my words didn't matter as much as hers. A few days after D day a mutual friend had texted her trying to get more facts that my husband seemed to not remember, she mentioned to her that if she finds out she is pregnant she would let her know. When the friend showed me that I just wanted to scream, how could he not think about things like that. His response was "she's not pregnant don't worry about it" As horrible as it is I had that friend call him and tell him she says she is pregnant and that he can either pay for the abortion, help raise the child, or pay child support. part of me wanted to see what he would do, how he would handle it. I let him sweat it out for a few hours as cruel as it sounds, he knows that I am very anti abortion but also did not want this child in our childrens lives. I waited to tell him until he picked which option and he choose to pay for the abortion. When I told him the truth he was releived but also mad that I had tricked him, I think I really wanted him to have his wheels spin like mine had been doing and to suffer. so now he's living in a down stairs bedroom, and it's like we are dating again bringing me flowers and courting me, he takes my jabs and insults that slip out and says he will spend every day of his life making this up to me and will never betray my trust or hurt me again. I agreed to go see the MC (we are both in IC also) I was hoping to start working on reconciliation and figure out how to soften my heart when i'm still so angry at him, so when the MC said those things it left me spinning thinking, she sounds like she thinks i'm a fool for thinking about reconciling and 2nd guessing myself. The text test that I did the week prior I really expected him to pass, when he failed I didn't have a back up plan...I was hoping he would show me right away and be honest and that would begin the baby steps back to building some trust. Maybe she thinks because I tested him that I don't trust him, and no I don't. He tells me he won't do it in the future but I can't even think of the future like we used to, i'm still trying to get a grip on what he already did. He says i'm living in the past but it hasn't even been 2 months and it still feels like yesterday. She says he's just scared to leave, but I have told him I would stay here in kansas even though all of my family live out of state so that we could both live near the kids and we would split custody, and that staying for the kids if that's what he's doing would just be delaying the inevitable but he swears that's not why he's staying, that he loves me, has always loved me. But you don't hurt the people you love, and if he was in love with me how could he think that he loved her? this would be so much easier if it was "just" a one night stand or a drunk mistake, the physical part of their relationship hurts but them "loving" each other is devastating. i'm still so confused, and he is probably too with my constant mind games, I hope i'm not the only one out there who goes this crazy
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I can't wrap my brain around how he could do this. Ego. For some men having a woman who is not their wife lust after them, think they are the greatest thing ever, can be intoxicating and addictive. He wasn't "in love" with her. He was in love with how she made him feel. A person, how he treated her, seemed it was all physical and just about sex aka just about HIM. This is why he is/was able to let go of her so quickly and see what they shared was "in the moment", not something substantial nor serious. Lust and affair behind closed doors is NOT "love". You are a special person, one with a huge forgiving heart. I hope your husband appreciates this in you. My only suggestion since you two are working together to get your marriage back on track, stop taking shots and digs at him. You have every right to still feel upset and angry but the shots ruin the progress made bit by bit. Join a gym or a yoga class, do something physical to get that negative energy out of you so it won't be thrown at him so much. It's one thing to have heart to heart, it's another to zing him and make him feel bad. He feels bad all the time I bet... Doesn't need to be reminded. (not defending him at all, he did a bad bad thing!) 3
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