drifter777 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 If you think you want to repair your marriage and also believe there is a reasonable chance your husband is going to find out about your A, then you have to tell him. You have a much better chance to reconcile if you tell him as opposed to him busting you. But if you don't care about your marriage and/or are sure he is never going to find out then why tell him? Don't be selfish and unburden your conscience at his expense if you don't have to. Others won't agree with me but I wish I could un-know about my wife's cheating.
maaz3231 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I feel it is very crucial to tell him and be completely honest. Everyone deserves to know and make an informed decision. MC is probably great if you get the right counselor. I did not like my counselor, but my wife is benefiting greatly from her. I stopped going and my wife continues to go. It took us probably half a year from dday to go to a counselor. I feel it is important to do so. Please, Please, Please be completely honest with you husband and disclose EVERYTHING on day one. Second ddays are worse than first ones.
confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 What makes you think he won't find out about the affair? You can't have a marriage built on a foundation of lies.
Syco Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Having skimmed through your old threads you do not deserve reconciliation. You had an affair for more than 3 years whilst dragging your husband through the dirt. Go back to your old threads and read the posts that you made. Your affair partner broke it off. Not you. If he hadn't you would still be stabbing your husband in the back. If you have any decency left - tell your husband. You should also tell your husband the names of the people who knew, but didn't tell him. It's bad enough being betrayed by the woman you love, but knowing others have known for a long time...
experiencethedevine Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I am an Ex-MOW, and I had a question I needed help answering. I have not disclosed my affair to my BH yet, and haven't decided if I am going to. My therapist said it is a personal choice, which I haven't made yet. The question is.. once the affair is discovered and you decide to reconcile, I would think the best course of action would be MC. Anyone that has been successful at reconciliation..how long did you go to MC? Was it a few sessions, or an ongoing process?? I just want to plan ahead for when I tell him, if I tell him. Thank you! My husband's long term affair ended 16 years ago, and we had marital therapy frequently for the first year, less so for the following year. We regularly visit our therapist today, about every 6 weeks or so. To us, it is an investment in our marriage. We utilise the session wisely and very effectively. A space purely for discussing the events that are involved in an affair, the subsequent fallout, and the journey beyond it are of the utmost importance in my opinion, but it is also worth bearing in mind that therapists are widely varied, and a careful choice must be made to ensure your therapist is suited to your requirements.
Author Rollercoaster Rider Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 Having skimmed through your old threads you do not deserve reconciliation. You had an affair for more than 3 years whilst dragging your husband through the dirt. Go back to your old threads and read the posts that you made. Your affair partner broke it off. Not you. If he hadn't you would still be stabbing your husband in the back. If you have any decency left - tell your husband. You should also tell your husband the names of the people who knew, but didn't tell him. It's bad enough being betrayed by the woman you love, but knowing others have known for a long time... Before you tell me what I deserve and don't deserve.. I broke it off. I specifically stated that in one of my posts. He may have said his Goodbye too..but I initiated it. I was looking for some guidance here..not somebody to tell me what I deserve.
krazikat Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 MC was an ongoing process for 3 years (intermittently, but mostly On) Don't think what my WS assumed: I'd be mad for a few months and then everything will be back to normal. Don't expect him to "get over it" for at least 2-3 years. That is IF he decides to reconcile. It does take a long time to truly heal. This is one of the worst betrayals. It turns your life on its head.
Syco Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Before i tell you...?!?! Although "decency" may have been the wrong word i fully stand by what i said. Here are a few of your posts: Forget for a second that they are your posts and look at them objectively. "The past year has been different. We are still together.. but it's changed. A lot of ups and downs... I am like you though. I don't want to leave my husband... and dont want him to leave his wife. I am okay with the way things are for now. But... maybe not next week.. LOL." "My husband isn't perfect, but he is mine, he cares about me and isn't committed to someone else." So essentially the WS here has a doormat who pays for his/her bills. The WS gets the stability from the BS and a nice **** session from the OM. Best of both worlds... "Silly me stayed with him after his d-day. He loved me, couldn't be without me, needed me in his life. Everytime I tried to end it...he would beg and plead for me to stay. The past 6 weeks...he has been acting different, less phone calls..shorter conversations and not seeing each other. Some things happened in the past week and I was tired of the BS... so I called him last Thursday and treated him crappy..he didn't like that. We didn't talk for a week. I caved and texted him yesterday, he asked me to call him today, which I did. Today he told me..it's time to end things. He can't handle carrying two phones and trying to please two people." "Be happy you ended now, the longer the affair goes on.. the harder it is to bounce back. You can do this.. you have to do this... you DESERVE more..." "But at the end of the day, these selfish cake eating pieces of garbage will not likely walk away. Mine didn't, he may have backed off but, never had the balls to end things. I finally had enough of feeling rejected, disappointed, sad, and sick of hearing myself try to analyze the situation. There will never be a good time to end things, i know that all to well. And in reading another thread, if you said no contact..and he is still contacting you, he has no respect for you. It hurts like hell..i am there now and it sucks." The WS here claims that her OM has no respect for her...and how much respect do you think the WS has for her BS? Clearly very little. "I ended it like this... almost 2 weeks ago, we were talking and right in the middle of a conversation he cut me off, saying he had to get off the work phone because he didn't want to run it up. See..we had OUR D-day 16 months ago, well actually he did...my BS did not find out. So, we talked using his work phone. Anyways, I was upset at the lack of respect and just the way things have been going lately. So, the next day I didn't call him... he texted me that afternoon saying hi and some other stuff. I thought about ending it the proper way, but I have tried that so many times before and he never listened, he always got back in, and I allowed it. So, i texted him back pretending to be my husband...basically saying do not text my wife anymore, I know all about you. I knew that would assure he would not contact me, and he didn't. He called a friend of mine to see what happened, she played along. I went a week of NC, but I couldn't handle having no closure, silence was killing me! So, i called him last Friday... he said he can't handle it anymore. We said our Goodbyes... and haven't heard a word since. He told me I could call him if I ever wanted to talk.. i said.. NO, THANK YOU :-)" The WS doesn't see the irony here. This was not an affair - it was a full blown relationship. In numerous posts you throw around the words "deserve" and "respect" - I deserve this, I deserve that. But ask yourself: did you show your husband any respect? Did he deserve to be married to someone who didn't care how this might affect him? 1
Confused48 Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 I am an Ex-MOW, and I had a question I needed help answering. I have not disclosed my affair to my BH yet, and haven't decided if I am going to. My therapist said it is a personal choice, which I haven't made yet. The question is.. once the affair is discovered and you decide to reconcile, I would think the best course of action would be MC. Anyone that has been successful at reconciliation..how long did you go to MC? Was it a few sessions, or an ongoing process?? I just want to plan ahead for when I tell him, if I tell him. Thank you! Your post indicates you are in a position of power. You either don't care if your H wants to leave you or you are sure he would not leave you despite what you have done. If you, in a position of power, want to reconcile, you should plan on long term MC. With a definitive switching of the balance of power. If you still want your H. I think you do or you would not be here asking questions like this.
road Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Before i tell you...?!?! Although "decency" may have been the wrong word i fully stand by what i said. Here are a few of your posts: Forget for a second that they are your posts and look at them objectively. "The past year has been different. We are still together.. but it's changed. A lot of ups and downs... I am like you though. I don't want to leave my husband... and dont want him to leave his wife. I am okay with the way things are for now. But... maybe not next week.. LOL." "My husband isn't perfect, but he is mine, he cares about me and isn't committed to someone else." So essentially the WS here has a doormat who pays for his/her bills. The WS gets the stability from the BS and a nice **** session from the OM. Best of both worlds... "Silly me stayed with him after his d-day. He loved me, couldn't be without me, needed me in his life. Everytime I tried to end it...he would beg and plead for me to stay. The past 6 weeks...he has been acting different, less phone calls..shorter conversations and not seeing each other. Some things happened in the past week and I was tired of the BS... so I called him last Thursday and treated him crappy..he didn't like that. We didn't talk for a week. I caved and texted him yesterday, he asked me to call him today, which I did. Today he told me..it's time to end things. He can't handle carrying two phones and trying to please two people." "Be happy you ended now, the longer the affair goes on.. the harder it is to bounce back. You can do this.. you have to do this... you DESERVE more..." "But at the end of the day, these selfish cake eating pieces of garbage will not likely walk away. Mine didn't, he may have backed off but, never had the balls to end things. I finally had enough of feeling rejected, disappointed, sad, and sick of hearing myself try to analyze the situation. There will never be a good time to end things, i know that all to well. And in reading another thread, if you said no contact..and he is still contacting you, he has no respect for you. It hurts like hell..i am there now and it sucks." The WS here claims that her OM has no respect for her...and how much respect do you think the WS has for her BS? Clearly very little. "I ended it like this... almost 2 weeks ago, we were talking and right in the middle of a conversation he cut me off, saying he had to get off the work phone because he didn't want to run it up. See..we had OUR D-day 16 months ago, well actually he did...my BS did not find out. So, we talked using his work phone. Anyways, I was upset at the lack of respect and just the way things have been going lately. So, the next day I didn't call him... he texted me that afternoon saying hi and some other stuff. I thought about ending it the proper way, but I have tried that so many times before and he never listened, he always got back in, and I allowed it. So, i texted him back pretending to be my husband...basically saying do not text my wife anymore, I know all about you. I knew that would assure he would not contact me, and he didn't. He called a friend of mine to see what happened, she played along. I went a week of NC, but I couldn't handle having no closure, silence was killing me! So, i called him last Friday... he said he can't handle it anymore. We said our Goodbyes... and haven't heard a word since. He told me I could call him if I ever wanted to talk.. i said.. NO, THANK YOU :-)" The WS doesn't see the irony here. This was not an affair - it was a full blown relationship. In numerous posts you throw around the words "deserve" and "respect" - I deserve this, I deserve that. But ask yourself: did you show your husband any respect? Did he deserve to be married to someone who didn't care how this might affect him? This post is on the money. It still is all about the OP/WW. Time to tell your BH.
thummper Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Hi Rider, I'm not sure if I'm qualified to comment on this since my wife has never cheated on me. She had a history before we met and married, but has been totally faithful ever since then. But, I noticed that your affair went on for 3 1/2 years! That's quite awhile. You said you broke it off, but didn't really give a reason for the breakup. Was guilt a factor? Did you realize it wasn't ever going to amount to anything? I'm somewhat surprised that after all that time cheating on hubby, you're now concerned whether or not you should tell him what you did, who you did it with, and how long it went on. You're not sure he will want to stay with you and reconcile. Are you really sure YOU want to R? I don't detect a lot of passion in your words for him or your marriage. Is it fulfilling for you? Do you love this man? Do you love him enough to go through the pain he will feel when he finds out what you've done? I think you're conflicted about how you really feel, not just about whether or not he should know what you've done. Whatever you decide to do, I really do wish you and your husband the best. Real love is always worth fighting for and enduring the hardships and heartaches that always seem to follow infidelity. Good luck! 1
BHsigh Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 3 years? Wow, that is an insane alount of time to be in an affair. You will be the luckiest WS ever if your husband decides to reconcile. 3 years of lying and secrets, of sneaking around and just plain playing your husband as a fool. If you had confesed to your husband during the first year, that statement may have changed, but you've been too selfish to confess even now. You don't need guidance here. you know what you need to do, you're just too selfish to do it.
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