What I've learned after a year

[blindhope]

So looking back as it just passed a year after my GF of 8 years walked out on me to "find her self" which was in reality dating her first client as a counselor for teens w/ addiction. Prior to learning her true motive I was able to check off all the DONTS in a break up. Against my best intentions I was broke NC, and fell just short of begging in my knees.

 

 

I was a mess for months. Didn't sleep, didn't eat. Distraught and lost. Had no idea where I was or where I was going.

 

 

Slowly started to force my self to move on, do something, anything to keep busy. I focused to make sure no matter what I did something productive. And I moved out of the house we rented. I began dating and found someone I really like. And now it's a year later.

 

So a year later, I sit her and look back. while it often seemed like eternity, I have this feeling that it was just last week. There hasn't been a single day I haven't thought about her. I often miss what I had just 13 months ago. After for over 8 years she grew to become the woman I've loved more than anyone else(ever). Then within one month it unraveled.

 

 

I can come up with a million excuses for her. She was fresh out of her graduate program and thrust into the real world. A very tough job, and it consumed her. The most beautiful, kindest, honest good hearted girl I knew was someone else. So it's hard for me to rationalize that in just a month she disappeared.

 

 

I haven't heard from her, and am certain I'm no longer in her rear view mirror. I have gotten a nice short message from everyone in her family from time to time. I still live in the past more than I'd like to and often wake up from dreams of her.

 

 

So what I've learned is to embrace what was good. Realize that those where the best times of my life. But that girl from those memories is gone. She no longer exists. I can reminisce and look back on those days, but I also need to be here, live in the present. Enjoy what the people in my life have to offer. I need to give myself the opportunity to find love in them.

 

A year ago I knew I had the girl I was going to marry. The woman who I wanted to be the mother of my children. Now I don't know if Ill ever be married or have kids cause I am not looking to fill a position, rather taking each day as it comes and let it play out. If I find another woman I can't live with out, the one I want to have a family with then great but if not, that's great too. I just need to keep going forward and appreciating what and who I have.