Author The secret Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 If you didn't seek him out, how did you find him on a dating site? He found me. Struck up a conversation. Agreed to meet after talking for a few weeks. Found out he was married 6 months later because I had a feeling he was.
Sub Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I could see if you stopped it after finding out he was married, but you're really splitting hairs in freeing yourself of responsibility here. Referring to her as his "poor wife" after you've slept with him for a year is pretty disingenuous. 3
sweet_pea Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Wow, I'm actually surprised that someone who has been a BS before would actually have the standpoint that they don't feel bad about sleeping with her husband. You would think that experiencing the pain of cheating you would feel a little badly but I guess being the OW for some really changes them no matter the previous experiences. Well, hopefully she doesn't find out herself about you and her husband. 4
devilish innocent Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I would tell. This guy is clearly a serial cheater. She's bound to find out eventually. In the meantime, she's wasting her life on a lie. Not to mention that with somebody like him there's a good chance he'll pass an STD along to her at some point. I think telling her is the ethical thing to do here. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I don't feel bad about sleeping with her husband I do feel bad that she is clueless. I wasn't the first and I won't be the last. It is just a shame for this poor wife to not know. I don't think I owe her an apology. What exactly would I apologize for? I didn't seek him out, don't know her, didn't do anything to her. I was a BS and I divorced him over the same thing. In my opionion the person who cheats is the only one who should be apologizing. It would be a totally different situation if I sought him out then we had a passionate affair with love and rainbows; I should apologize then but their marriage was trash long before I showed up. So because you were hurt by your husband cheating ways, you feel it's okay to do someone else, to help hurt an innocent woman? You seem to have resentment and are not empathetic, sympathetic at all. Nor remorseful for hurting another human being. Good luck on your path.
Tayla Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I don't feel bad about sleeping with her husband I do feel bad that she is clueless. I wasn't the first and I won't be the last. It is just a shame for this poor wife to not know. I don't think I owe her an apology. What exactly would I apologize for? I didn't seek him out, don't know her, didn't do anything to her. I was a BS and I divorced him over the same thing. In my opionion the person who cheats is the only one who should be apologizing. It would be a totally different situation if I sought him out then we had a passionate affair with love and rainbows; I should apologize then but their marriage was trash long before I showed up. Ahhhh but you did do something to the marriage that "SHE" is also in. Your logic is poor at best. If you rob a bank with a friend and only hold open the door and carry the bags out, then by your reasoning you didn't STEAL from the bank, you just held a door and some bags...like a doorman! Yet the Law holds you accountable for three reasons, You willingly participated, you knew that it was a robbery , and you carried the loot out. NOW do you understand how your purity isnt quite so pure. You are accountable to the marital mishap, own it. Doesnt matter if there were previous women or not. 5
HermioneG Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Wow, I'm actually surprised that someone who has been a BS before would actually have the standpoint that they don't feel bad about sleeping with her husband. You would think that experiencing the pain of cheating you would feel a little badly but I guess being the OW for some really changes them no matter the previous experiences. Well, hopefully she doesn't find out herself about you and her husband. Putting on an ill fitting psych hat for a minute- I've read and witnessed where sometimes a betrayed who did not process and deal with the affair in which they were betrayed- either as a spouse or as a child in a family affected by infidelity, by becoming an affair partner. They try and heal, even if they don't realize they are doing it, by re telling the story of the pain from a position which might be more powerful. Inflicting the harm instead of receiving. It's something to think about, and I think it likely plays into the OP's hesitancy about telling the wife. I think maybe perhaps framing it that way, and accepting that previously she was in that position, she may find the ability to tell the wife. And apologize. Which I suspect never happened when she was betrayed. 3
Popsicle Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I would be torn too. I'd probably lean towards no and just washing my hands of the situation.
Author The secret Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 I did not mean to touch on nerves here. I understand that everyone has opinions and I will respect those. I have never heard of armed robbery and sleeping with someone's husband compared before so that was interesting. I didn't inflict pain on this women, her husband did. For those who have attempted to diagnosis me were you the OW or the BS? Ethically it would be wise to tell but I need to do it in a way that doesn't involve me. I want none of that drama. I'll stop posting now I don't want to upset anymore. 1
A.Moscote Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Hopefully you'll find a way to inform the BW without revealing your identity. I'd be reluctant to expose myself too in a situation like this. Kudos for at least knowing that it's the ethically correct thing to do, which for me implies your well wishing for his BW. “Whosoever of you sees an evil, let him change it with his hand; and if he is not able to do so, then [let him change it] with his tongue; and if he is not able to do so, then with his heart.." Good luck.
Confuddled1983 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I think even if you choose not to expose your part you should still tell her. I would create a false profile on Facebook and message her the link to his dating site profile. Just be aware that he is obviously a liar and will probably lie his way out of it "But darling, that's not me, someone else set that profile up to try and frame me I swear!". Still, I would want to know. Give as much detail as possible, could you not talk to her on Facebook from a false profile and give her all the information you know to make sure she knows you're telling the truth?
Sub Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Let's be clear. The right thing to do was to tell the BS when you found out he was married. There's nothing noble about doing it after you've consciously benefitted from her ignorance for a year. If you're looking for a softer analogy than bank robbery, it would be like continually accepting money as a gift from a friend you know he stole from someone. Then deciding to tell the victim after you've got a fancy new wardrobe and they're wearing sweatpants to work.
ComingInHot Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 How do you reconcile R'ing with Your H but feeling No guilt for having sex with a MM then trying to convince yourself you had No part in hurting His W just because it's His W?? Maybe tell Your H you have no guilt about having sex with MM and how you don't believe you had a part in hurting His W then ask Your H if he feels MM had No part in hurting Your H?*
Author The secret Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 Thank you to whoever suggested creating a fake facebook profile. That is a good idea. I don't know if that will work. I'm also going to wait a few weeks so I am not suspected. As for my marriage I divorced him during this past year! I have been in therapy and my therapist knows about this situation. Life isn't black and white, I wish it was. It was wrong to continue sleeping with someone's husband but it isn't the worst thing ever.
Sub Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 A fake profile/anonymity will just drive the BS crazy. Honestly, you think she won't want to know who her H was sleeping with for over a year? And do you really think once he's outed he's not going to tell her who you are? It's a chickens**t move, IMO. 1
solostand Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Either decide to tell, or don't tell. But you must ask yourself what is your motivation to tell? You did not wish to tell when he was involved with you, but now you want to tell because he's involved with someone else? What does that say. To me, it says revenge. Believe me, I get revenge. I myself went through this whole thing about telling or not telling. God, the headspace I wasted on it. I had the whole letter written in my head, along with attachments with proof (pictures, audio recordings et cetera). I fantasized about arriving at her home one day to tell on him. I considered an anonymous e-mail (he doesn't know I have her email addy). Oh yes, hours of wonderful pleasure that I could have been using for something productive, like my art! It was almost a contest for me. Every time he left some stupid evidence I would cherish it to put on the bonfire that I was to make of their marriage. When he told me where he hid our mementos, it too went into the evidence box. Eventually I came to my senses (in my case only, I don't judge others). Why was I going to do it? To give him his comeuppance. Because he did not leave her for me. So I didn't do it. I could not face dropping a nuclear bomb on a family that has been together 35 years, two children who adore him, a daughter who is about to deliver his first grandchild. And the more I thought of it, the more I realized I didn't really want him. I liked the thrill of everyone whispering and wondering, but to live with him full time? He's 65! His wife will lovingly look after him (which she does) and in this case I really think what she doesn't know won't hurt her. 1
Appreciate Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 It was wrong to continue sleeping with someone's husband but it isn't the worst thing ever. All non-violent acts aside (including emotional abuse), I don't think you can name something more hurtful than infidelity. I would have rather lost every cent I own that have been cheated on. For many months, I would have rather she died or I'd died than be cheated on. Many people feel this way. This is not a TV drama, this is real life, The_Secret. It's only been the A has not been discovered that it's not a hot mess right now. This woman will be in pain you can't even imagine. But.. ultimately, she needs to know. It's better than living a lie. 2
Owl Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 You post was hard to understand, but is it better than living a lie? Jury's out on that one. some appear to manage just fine living that lie. I have seen that with my MM playing happy families. when I told BS he said to me that I did not get rid of the pain, I just shared it.. Where did anyone here say that telling "gets rid of the pain"??? Not the case at all. Telling gets the truth out in the open. It doesn't alleviate the WS from anything...it just gets the affair out in the open where it can be addressed. It SHOULDN'T get rid of any pain. It should allow the WS to better understand the scope of their actions...the damage they've done through having an affair. It should also let the BS make choices about whether or not they want to remain married given ALL of the pertinent information...not force them to stay while living in the shadow of a lie.
Appreciate Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 You post was hard to understand, but is it better than living a lie? Jury's out on that one. some appear to manage just fine living that lie. I have seen that with my MM playing happy families. when I told BS he said to me that I did not get rid of the pain, I just shared it.. If you're referring to my post, I was referring to MM's BW. MM may be living a lie and and managing just fine with it, but his wife is living an illusion. Her perception of him is one thing, the reality is another. When she kisses her husband and looks at him admiringly and lovingly, and says "okay, go to the store, but don't be too late" (or whatever it is) and he's off to sneak away time with OW, it's the greatest betrayal. It's simply not a real marriage, because it is based on deception. If he cheated once and got away with it, he is able to do it again. The wife deserves better than that. Everyone deserves to be in an honest relationship. What you told your BS, and his reply, I don't really understand the context. I am sure he felt many other things as well.
Owl Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Yes, he meant he loved me and to tell BS that ... would hurt her and he was right. she didn't need to know. I was taken in by the tell her brigade but in retrospect, we just shared the pain of our love. he was not going to leave anyhow even though I know he loves me. Does she need to know even if he is not leaving?? Our relationship got so deep, we were in pain, and now she is. So what did we achieve. I don't know...are you still in the affair? Still seeing each other, without her knowledge? Or with her knowledge? Or did the affair end? Or did absolutely nothing change at all?
Author The secret Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 All non-violent acts aside (including emotional abuse), I don't think you can name something more hurtful than infidelity. I would have rather lost every cent I own that have been cheated on. For many months, I would have rather she died or I'd died than be cheated on. Many people feel this way. This is not a TV drama, this is real life, The_Secret. It's only been the A has not been discovered that it's not a hot mess right now. This woman will be in pain you can't even imagine. But.. ultimately, she needs to know. It's better than living a lie. I was married for 10 years. My ex cheated on me with men and women so I am fully aware how much it hurts. His actions destroyed our marriage. I don't blame the affair partners. Some of them knew he was married and knew me. This is why telling isn't something I want to do. I hope this wife realizes what is going on. So I am completely aware this isn't a tv show. Maybe his next affair partner will not be the chicken I am. I am fully aware about the pain to everyone.
Fluttershy Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I think when it comes down to tel or not you need to ook at the sources and where it comes from. It is not to a AP or WS benefit to encourage others to disclose an affair. For obvious reasons. So they will think of a mutlitude of excuses of why you shouldn. Very few BS (there are some) suggest you to keep it to yourself. And if you really want to do what is "right" for the BS then O think telling with irrefutible proof is the best route to go. They will either deny and stay Be glad they know the truth and get to see the whole picture Or like a handful, wish they could live on in their false security.
peaksandvalleys Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 So I've been sleeping with a MM for a year and a half. It's been casual, no strings,etc. This wasn't some great love affair. When I first met him I did not know he was married I discovered it through social media. I also found his wife. She has no idea her husband is on a dating site. Well I decided the fun sex isn't worth the guilt. Do I tell the wife? I am leaning towards no but I was just curious about others opinions and I can't ask my friends. Yes.......... 2
experiencethedevine Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Don't tell. Move on. If he contacts you again, different story. The last place you need is to be in someone else's marriage. I couldn't disagree with the tell the wife advice more. Why hurt her? She'll find out sooner or later if she doesn't already know. So why wait?
experiencethedevine Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 If you're referring to my post, I was referring to MM's BW. MM may be living a lie and and managing just fine with it, but his wife is living an illusion. Her perception of him is one thing, the reality is another. When she kisses her husband and looks at him admiringly and lovingly, and says "okay, go to the store, but don't be too late" (or whatever it is) and he's off to sneak away time with OW, it's the greatest betrayal. It's simply not a real marriage, because it is based on deception. If he cheated once and got away with it, he is able to do it again. The wife deserves better than that. Everyone deserves to be in an honest relationship. What you told your BS, and his reply, I don't really understand the context. I am sure he felt many other things as well. I would hesitate to disagree. It is most certainly a real marriage to his wife. As I have stated on many occasions her husband has involved her in an open marriage without her consent or knowledge. The fact is that her marriage is real to her as she has no knowledge of the undercurrent of deception. If one has not the courage to face the consequences of involvement in such clandestine activity, conveying the truth to the betrayed spouse is going to bed unlikely isn't it? This leaves the method of discovery in the hands of the betrayed. A far worse scenario in my opinion, because when they do find out (and that is inevitable, however long), the stench of the dishonesty and deceit is going to make the rose garden wilt far more rapidly.
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