shoesies05 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Our story is a long and complex one, as many people's relationship stories are. We both have our great qualities and our bad ones. We both are very passionate and emotional people that can relate because of it, however we also seem to fight and get hurt more easily because of it too. He swept me off my feet when I was at a point when I wanted to be with no one but myself because I was done with getting to know men when I felt that I hadn't given myself enough attention. I had broken up with another man roughly 6-8 months before he swept me away and was still healing, am still healing. He was sweet, kind, caring, paid attention to all the little things I love. Yet, I had my second thoughts because I had the feeling that he'd be too insecure because of some of the things he had said to me. I fell in love. Soon I saw behaviors that I didn't like so much. Well, in reality I saw them before I was in love, but I really wanted to give him a chance because of how crazy he was about me and how good it made me feel to see someone love me soooo much. As the relationship progressed I felt that he didn't trust me because of how he often needed "proof" that I wasn't sneaking around behind his back. Yet, I am a SUPER faithful person. I simply don't cheat because I can't imagine hurting my partner like that.... also, I feel that I have higher standards for myself and wouldn't want to stoop to a lower standard. Well... here we are now, 10 months later and a few break ups later... with one very serious break up that took about a month to actually happen and then lasted about 1 month give or take. Resentment has built up along with pain. I love him and really have tried very hard to make it work. Yet- I can't get past two things.... his apparent lack of trust and how he is soooooo what I will call "Mr. Mean when Mad." I'm a yeller when upset- but I hate it about myself and I really make strong efforts to stop it. But he put me down, puts my friends down, calls me names, accuses me of being a "cheat", and I simply cannot deal with it anymore. The worst part is that he blames anyone but himself for how mean he gets (at least in the moment- and then hours later might admit SOME of his words were his fault). It kills me to be called a cheat more than anything else. It hurts because I have been oh so loyal to him, and have been cheated on before and know just how much it hurts. Yet, I can never seem to leave him for very long... he just doesn't give up on trying to have me. To make matters worse, he now lives in the same place as me... I won't ask him to move out unless things become unbearable because he really needs this place, so please don't tell me to kick him out- I WON'T do it. I care too much for him and want to at least try to make our living arrangement work. What would be really helpful though is just some loving support in the form of messages- or on here. It's going to be a struggle to be around him and not go back- so even just some daily encouragement from anyone would be really useful. So please- just one message a day from one person might help me to keep broken up and not go running back to this toxic relationship just like I have a few times now. I really need your daily reminders that I can do this without him and that I will find peace with my decision eventually. Thanks
Grumpybutfun Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 (edited) Our story is a long and complex one, as many people's relationship stories are. We both have our great qualities and our bad ones. We both are very passionate and emotional people that can relate because of it, however we also seem to fight and get hurt more easily because of it too. He swept me off my feet when I was at a point when I wanted to be with no one but myself because I was done with getting to know men when I felt that I hadn't given myself enough attention. I had broken up with another man roughly 6-8 months before he swept me away and was still healing, am still healing. He was sweet, kind, caring, paid attention to all the little things I love. Yet, I had my second thoughts because I had the feeling that he'd be too insecure because of some of the things he had said to me. I fell in love. Soon I saw behaviors that I didn't like so much. Well, in reality I saw them before I was in love, but I really wanted to give him a chance because of how crazy he was about me and how good it made me feel to see someone love me soooo much. As the relationship progressed I felt that he didn't trust me because of how he often needed "proof" that I wasn't sneaking around behind his back. Yet, I am a SUPER faithful person. I simply don't cheat because I can't imagine hurting my partner like that.... also, I feel that I have higher standards for myself and wouldn't want to stoop to a lower standard. Well... here we are now, 10 months later and a few break ups later... with one very serious break up that took about a month to actually happen and then lasted about 1 month give or take. Resentment has built up along with pain. I love him and really have tried very hard to make it work. Yet- I can't get past two things.... his apparent lack of trust and how he is soooooo what I will call "Mr. Mean when Mad." I'm a yeller when upset- but I hate it about myself and I really make strong efforts to stop it. But he put me down, puts my friends down, calls me names, accuses me of being a "cheat", and I simply cannot deal with it anymore. The worst part is that he blames anyone but himself for how mean he gets (at least in the moment- and then hours later might admit SOME of his words were his fault). It kills me to be called a cheat more than anything else. It hurts because I have been oh so loyal to him, and have been cheated on before and know just how much it hurts. Yet, I can never seem to leave him for very long... he just doesn't give up on trying to have me. To make matters worse, he now lives in the same place as me... I won't ask him to move out unless things become unbearable because he really needs this place, so please don't tell me to kick him out- I WON'T do it. I care too much for him and want to at least try to make our living arrangement work. What would be really helpful though is just some loving support in the form of messages- or on here. It's going to be a struggle to be around him and not go back- so even just some daily encouragement from anyone would be really useful. So please- just one message a day from one person might help me to keep broken up and not go running back to this toxic relationship just like I have a few times now. I really need your daily reminders that I can do this without him and that I will find peace with my decision eventually. Thanks The thing about toxic relationships is that the person who is toxic cannot see themselves that way so they manipulate and lie to you in order to get you to stay. They may say they are sorry but that is usually due to a payoff such as getting you to stop crying or to stay in a relationship. You have made a great decision for your life by breaking up...you have stood up for yourself and made a declaration that you are not going to take unacceptable behavior anymore. Your best reason for not going back into a toxic relationship is you..if you don't protect yourself, who will? Also though you may care for him, you are choosing him over yourself by not telling him to get out and putting yourself in a potentially dangerous situation. Men who try to control through anger can snap. You aren't getting any responses to this thread because people know that him leaving is the only chance you have of a clean new start. You are asking people not to tell you the thing you should do which is ask him to leave which honestly is your only choice here to stop this mess. Good luck Grumps Edited January 30, 2014 by Grumpybutfun
OhThatGirl Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 So don't ask him to leave the place. YOU leave. Solved. But really.. Sounds like you weren't really ready for this relationship when it started. You were drawn in by how much he loved you.. But it's not the kind of love a person needs when they're trying to concentrate on themselves. Calling you and your friends names? Always asking for "proof" you're not doing anything wrong? Yelling? And you keep going back for more? Whaaaat?? Whether you care for him or not.. Care for yourself more. You got into this situation thinking more about him than yourself and until that changes you're going to be in the same situation. It's time you grew a little as a person, healed, set boundaries, and focused on what's best for you. Having this guy around is none of the above. It sounds emotionally abusive to be honest. Using his accusations to manipulate you, anger, half apologies. It sounds an awful lot like the cycle of happiness, tension, anger, making up, back to repeat. The fact you've asked no one to tell you to remove yourself physically from him means you know this is the advice you'd get for best how to handle the situation... Yet care more about his situation (as manipulative as he is - why??) than doing what any self respecting woman would do. All oooover this message board there are people saying NO CONTACT is the only way to move on, heal, grow as a person, evaluate your role in the relationship, and be better.. Yet you ask us not to tell you to do this. So.. There's nothing to say. It's not helpful to ask for advice when you don't want it and aren't willing to take it. Separate. Fully. However it has to happen.
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