snappytomcat Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 ok its been 8 months since dday,and with mc weve been doing well,i do have triggers,but i know that's normal,hes done everything right hes an open book,transparent with everything. someone told me that coming to sites like this doesn't help with my marriage recovery,cause it opens old wounds,and the was some ows lash out at the bs,i haven't felt that way at all even when someone didn't agree with me with something i said i didn't feel attacked,i just took it we have to agree to disagree,i was told it keeps me fixated on the affair,which i don't believe so ive learned a lot on here from the ow/om to ws/bs,what are everyones thoughts on this?
Spark1111 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 there were times I took a LS break. everyone does. That's normal. But LS did not help me fixate on the affair. certainly not when I did not want to. LS helped me deal with the feelings that sprouted up....and there was NO ONE better to talk to, to bounce it off of than those who had been through it. 6
OpheliaSong Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Do what makes you feel comfortable and is helpful. I had a similar question and the posters here told me that you have to view each post from where the writer is coming from. Everyone's experiences cloud how they reply so just keep that in mind. Hurt people sometimes express bitterness and anger because they build walls and lash out before they can hurt even more.
Spark1111 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Do what makes you feel comfortable and is helpful. I had a similar question and the posters here told me that you have to view each post from where the writer is coming from. Everyone's experiences cloud how they reply so just keep that in mind. Hurt people sometimes express bitterness and anger because they build walls and lash out before they can hurt even more. Very, very true.... Everyone takes a turn in the hot seat. As a newly BS trying to reconcile, I heard I should divorce the lying SOB from those who did so, and that he was still secretly in love and in contact with his AP from those who hoped so.... Do what works for you! trust your gut....and use the LS community accordingly. take what you need, and leave the rest. 4
Snowflower Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I will say that when I have spent too much time on LS, I can feel myself fixating on my H's affair. This used to happen more to me previously than it does now but I could tell. My spending an excess amount of time here would begin to affect how I viewed my H. Almost like I would become negative toward him and my reconciled marriage. I noticed that if I happened to take a break from LS...I got busy with other things, or was on vacation, well, the affair wouldn't be front and center for me and I would be happier with my H. Of course, this was at an earlier stage in my healing process. When I would return to LS after a break, I sometimes could see myself fixating a bit on affairs. I got sick of thinking about infidelity! As it was, it took me about 4 years to say I was healed. That being said, there are threads that will bother me sometimes. I won't say trigger because only things IRL do that to me now...not that often. But sometimes threads will hit the sore spot. I read one just today on the OW forum that clenched my heart a bit, but in a more objective way I think. Sort of like when you watch something distasteful or violent on tv and you kind of go, eeww and maybe change the channel. It isn't exactly personal but it still bothers you. Not sure if any of this helps you, tomcat, but the questions you bring up are all good ones for us to ponder from time to time! 4
Author snappytomcat Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 thank you all for your responses,i think that I wont come here as often but it has helped me,even reading the perspective of the ow
Snowflower Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Well, take a break, spend some time with your H. Assess how things are going without any outside influences (LoveShack, friends, etc) and come back if/when you have questions, need encouragement, etc. Best of luck to you! 1
compulsivedancer Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 LS helped me a lot. H said he could actually see a difference in me after I started posting here. I think it helped to talk things our with people who understood, it helped to learn more about affairs and understand my psychology and why I was feeling the way I was. It helped me understand what H was going through, by reading what other posters had been through. I could get questions answered, both things about bring a WS, and things to help me understand my BS (and even sort out my feelings about OM). However, there have been times I've needed to step back. Sometimes this is chicken and egg. I think I post less than I used to because we're further along in the healing process and I don't need to lean on the community as much. And as I read less on here, I'm less interested in coming and checking in. I think that's normal and healthy. 1
confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Sometimes it does hurt. Like never go into the OW/OM forum. Holy crap...that sets me back. The OW in my case was so arrogant afterwards and these women are the same so I trigger big time there. And if a OW comes in and tries to comment and make it clear how awesome their affair is and was...I don't handle myself well. 2
janedoe67 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I would say that stumbling onto a site that had some practical steps for what I could do with regard to confession, amends, being transparent was a great help to us. Him having sort of a guide for how I should be doing and what he should be asking was a great help to us. In the end, however, there were times he asked me to please stop posting on forums from time to time because HE had forgiven me and wanted to move on and I couldn't because I was still trying convince people who had never met me I was not trash. I kept silent for too long when our marriage went back to the emptiness it had always been because strangers told me that since I cheated, i had basically no "right" to ask him for anything. So I'm not sure.
waterwoman Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 In the end, however, there were times he asked me to please stop posting on forums from time to time because HE had forgiven me and wanted to move on and I couldn't because I was still trying convince people who had never met me I was not trash. I kept silent for too long when our marriage went back to the emptiness it had always been because strangers told me that since I cheated, i had basically no "right" to ask him for anything. So I'm not sure. H said the same to me from his side. We would be doing OK and then I'd read a post saying that all MM secretly hanker after their OW no matter what they say to their wives. Or that any affair is a sign of a bad marriage and that the BW is at fault. Or even that all affairs carry on undergound. And it would all blow up again because obviously complete strangers know me and my H better than we do But there has been so much support and advice. I think on balance it has helped. 1
janedoe67 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I just have to remember that the height of arrogance is for someone who has never met me to think they know me better than people who have been face to face with me for years and see/talk to me every day. And I have to remember that most of what people say (including me) says more about how they are dealing with their own stuff than anything else. 3
dichotomy Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 (edited) At times, I feel being here won't let me let go of things with my wife - infact sometimes I have gotten off here in a bad mood and she has no idea why I am worked up. On the other hand, I have learned so much. This is private safe support group for BS's -and costs a heck of alot less than my therapist. Also beyond this one section, there is the OW/OM section which I have learend alot and got to ask questions in a non judgemental way and learn from OW like my wife was. Also -the sexuality section has helped with related and non realted issues on sex . Other sections I have benefited from as well from excerise to spirtuality. Its a nice community here. I have grown as a man and a person because of the folks here and their expereinces, thoughts, ideas. There are some INTERESTING and different folks here with life expereinces I would have NEVER have met - and all the questions i got to ask. So I don't reget hanging around here - long after dDay and long after I discussed my story. Edited January 31, 2014 by dichotomy 1
Ap22 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Strangely this place has angered me and comforted me. I come here daily, though the reasons have changed. Sometimes some of the posters here will get you riled up and it causes you to focus on the negative. Other times I come here and feel better after venting. I guess it depends on the topic and other posters stories. 1
Realist3 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I think it is really individualistic. There are countless posts I have read where people have expressed how much they have been helped greatly, and many other posters I read make we wonder if they are damaging themselves by being triggered. Sometimes the anger is palpable through their posts totally unrelated to their own situation. I think it is mindful to see this site for what it is, a tool. Hopefully, most people would try and use that tool as a means of betterment. 1
No Limit Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Forums like LS are the best way to exchange experiences, gather opinions and above all learn. Maybe someone in fear of having a wayward spouse reads a few posts of the infidelity forum as nightmare stories before going to bed. Anyway, you can inform yourself here and build your own views of things. And not just LS. Just google for affairs etc and you will see how many people are seeking help. And there are also plenty of threads going like "Had an affair, lost the love of my life, want her back help me plz" etc etc. There's always two sides (at least!), but perhaps users who are able to see the situation in a more objective way will help you in understanding your situation as well. In the end, it's always the person behind the screen who decides what he or she will and wants to do. It's not like making an account forces you to follow what the users tell you. Although I admit sometimes I wish it would, considering how some people have ignord the 100000th red flag and intend to go on like this... 1
krazikat Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 ok its been 8 months since dday,and with mc weve been doing well,i do have triggers,but i know that's normal,hes done everything right hes an open book,transparent with everything. someone told me that coming to sites like this doesn't help with my marriage recovery,cause it opens old wounds,and the was some ows lash out at the bs,i haven't felt that way at all even when someone didn't agree with me with something i said i didn't feel attacked,i just took it we have to agree to disagree,i was told it keeps me fixated on the affair,which i don't believe so ive learned a lot on here from the ow/om to ws/bs,what are everyones thoughts on this? This site truly helped me understand the ow and that she was hurting, too. It helped me find empathy for her which helped me put my anger at her into check...she said those horrible things to me out of pain and realizing my h was not going anywhere. She lashed out at me, when she couldn't get my h to contact her. This site helped me understand that the way I felt was pretty normal. Considering the horrible circumstances. Years ago, when I found out I had been ow for a year, I left immediately. Now I try to tell ow to love themselves enough to walk away. 2
Author snappytomcat Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 thank you all for the great advice,and your experiences on this topic
TheBladeRunner Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I will come and go, as a rule these days I try not to spend more than 2 -3 hours a week here; sometimes a little more, sometimes less. This site and the people who post here have been very helpful in the healing process and I appreciate the support others give. It also helps to interact with others that have very similar experiences to your own in my opinion. I will say I am not as active as I used to be though.....I guess it's working! Thanks gang!
violet1 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I was on forums specifically for Waywards. One of them was tightly moderated and no posts were allowed by the BS. I found that those forums helped me justify my affair and keep me in a fog. This forum, however has all sides of the fence here. I love the variety of perspectives. Sharing and reading others experiences has helped me a lot. 1
painfullyobvious Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I wished I had this site and sites like this when I found out about my cheating ex. The loneliness of being a betrayed partner and not wanting to disclose what is happening to you makes sites this golden. Its easy to disclose to strangers who really do not know you. I told a few close friends and inevitably everyone knew. Also people who have experienced betrayal and the separation experience are helpful. They know what is happening to you generally and know what you face. They also know where they made mistakes and wished they could go back and change things. I wish I had known about no contact and the likelihood of affairs continuing. I come here to help people learn from my experience. I try to give information that can assist others because I have been there on the wrong end of an affair. No one should go it alone with this type of betrayal and unfortunately not everyone has a social network to assist them. These sites are important for that reason. Wisdom from others can guide you if you listen to those that have already endured the mess of infidelity.
seren Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Shortly after D Day I trawled the internet for sites to pour out how I really felt. Not the polite stock answers I gave people IRL, but to get out the anger, pain, loss and confusion. I stumbled across a few OW boards and was astonished at the vitriol and sheer nasty responses, those pissed me off no end and TBH, made me sick to read how BS were viewed by those 'on the other side'. I came to LS and while IRL I understood that OW was hurt too, I was more concerned with me and my pain. Some of the OW on the site back then helped me no end and the mix helped me to heal. LS was very different back then, far more back and fro arguing, often some pretty nasty comments aimed at people and I just ended up thinking that the WS wasn't taken to task by the other side at all, I just read excuses, excuses, with no real ownership of how A's hurt. It has changed, mostly for the better but the loss of some very helpful posters has diluted it somewhat. The A has lost its ability to trigger me, I, at 6 and a half yrs on come on far less than I used to, I come to read how people are doing and to offer support if I can as I remember the early days of WTF and hurt. I also admit to missing some of the back and fro stuff too. I found the best way to deal with triggers is to unpack them, lay them out and deal with them one by one until they no longer have the ability to hurt. Having the truth helps this, seeing things for what they were helps, the cold light of day is a great place to get rid of the mind games and to see the A for what it was. The more I read, the less I understand why anyone has an A, it also makes me wonder how anyone can think it an OK thing to do to another. LS, more than anything, would prevent me from ever walking that road, some of the hurt poured out here is unspeakably sad. Recovery can have you running about looking for the magic key that makes it all OK. There isn't one, it takes a lot of hard work and change, LS can help to get the information about what works for others. Remembering that what is posted isn't your situation helps, projecting what some say onto 'your' A can trigger, can also spark off an argument IRL, but sometimes it can also help to heal and provide the tools for recovery. 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 ok its been 8 months since dday,and with mc weve been doing well,i do have triggers,but i know that's normal,hes done everything right hes an open book,transparent with everything. someone told me that coming to sites like this doesn't help with my marriage recovery,cause it opens old wounds,and the was some ows lash out at the bs,i haven't felt that way at all even when someone didn't agree with me with something i said i didn't feel attacked,i just took it we have to agree to disagree,i was told it keeps me fixated on the affair,which i don't believe so ive learned a lot on here from the ow/om to ws/bs,what are everyones thoughts on this? I think it depends on the person; I don't mean whether you're a BS, or the WS, or even the AP; I think people even within the same "label", for lack of a better word, will handle it differently. For me, personally? This site helped in some regards, but caused a **** ton of issues for me in other ways. Emotionally, it was akin to a black hole. So, I took some time away, and managed to do fine without the constant cacophony of internet voices shouting different advice (along with self-righteous people screaming from atop their soap boxes). This is my first post since...I think August? In any case, my only interest is to come here and talk to people who might be in need of support or advice-if I am capable of giving it. 1
Darren Steez Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I wished I had this site and sites like this when I found out about my cheating ex. The loneliness of being a betrayed partner and not wanting to disclose what is happening to you makes sites this golden. Its easy to disclose to strangers who really do not know you. I told a few close friends and inevitably everyone knew. Also people who have experienced betrayal and the separation experience are helpful. They know what is happening to you generally and know what you face. They also know where they made mistakes and wished they could go back and change things. I wish I had known about no contact and the likelihood of affairs continuing. I come here to help people learn from my experience. I try to give information that can assist others because I have been there on the wrong end of an affair. No one should go it alone with this type of betrayal and unfortunately not everyone has a social network to assist them. These sites are important for that reason. Wisdom from others can guide you if you listen to those that have already endured the mess of infidelity. I second this. Only because I see my past actions reflected in what other people are doing, pre, during and after DDay. I had zero people to talk to, I wasted a lot of time going down a path I most likely shouldn't have. I feel cheating is an injustice. I believe very strongly in that. I try to help, I think we all do. In the end I think this site is helpful, people can take what they need from it and go, but obviously the most work has to be done by oneself. 1
ZMM Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 ok its been 8 months since dday,and with mc weve been doing well,i do have triggers,but i know that's normal,hes done everything right hes an open book,transparent with everything. someone told me that coming to sites like this doesn't help with my marriage recovery,cause it opens old wounds,and the was some ows lash out at the bs,i haven't felt that way at all even when someone didn't agree with me with something i said i didn't feel attacked,i just took it we have to agree to disagree,i was told it keeps me fixated on the affair,which i don't believe so ive learned a lot on here from the ow/om to ws/bs,what are everyones thoughts on this? It depends on the individual. It definitely can help some people and then they are able to move on with their life. But for others, I am sure it is harmful, even though they might not see it as such. Some become bitter and hang on to a particular problem much longer than would be typical. JMO 1
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