clairbear Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I'm fairly new here but needed some support I have been in an affair with a mm for the last 5 months, we are work colleagues but work in different departments so only see each over a couple of times a weeK we have both ended things several times both say we can't cope with the guilt and are not cut out for it. This time however it is different neither of us broke it off but we have had no contact for several weeks now - this has been down to him as I never initiate contact. I guess I feel really sad they he appears to have walked away from me, I know it is the right thing but I am just struggling to understand how his feelings towards me could have changed so quickly.. I now feel used and miss him a lot Any thoughts on how to get past this? It's probably just my ego talking but I am just confessed and left with so many unanswered questions. I am single, he has been married 5 years and has 2 step children but none of his own. Any advice would be greatly appriciated- I miss my friend and I'm.worried that he hates me now, can he really change his feelings for me so quickly!?
proseandpassion Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I'm fairly new here but needed some support I have been in an affair with a mm for the last 5 months, we are work colleagues but work in different departments so only see each over a couple of times a weeK we have both ended things several times both say we can't cope with the guilt and are not cut out for it. This time however it is different neither of us broke it off but we have had no contact for several weeks now - this has been down to him as I never initiate contact. I guess I feel really sad they he appears to have walked away from me, I know it is the right thing but I am just struggling to understand how his feelings towards me could have changed so quickly.. I now feel used and miss him a lot Any thoughts on how to get past this? It's probably just my ego talking but I am just confessed and left with so many unanswered questions. I am single, he has been married 5 years and has 2 step children but none of his own. Any advice would be greatly appriciated- I miss my friend and I'm.worried that he hates me now, can he really change his feelings for me so quickly!? Just look at this as a way to get out of this toxic situation without a confrontation. He's going NC but not even telling you goodbye, how much could he really care? As a fellow single woman, I'm telling you, don't rest your laurels on this fool. Go out and find someone available who won't treat you like garbage--you deserve better! 1
sunburned Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Agreed that it's probably best to maintain NC. But you do work with him, would you consider walking over to his dept. and point blank asking. Maybe his wife found out? But proseandpassion is right about the bottom line. You deserve better. You deserve available. And his W deserves not to share. 1
Eau Claire Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Just look at this as a way to get out of this toxic situation without a confrontation. He's going NC but not even telling you goodbye, how much could he really care? As a fellow single woman, I'm telling you, don't rest your laurels on this fool. Go out and find someone available who won't treat you like garbage--you deserve better! Agreed but not sure she deserves better. What jumps out at me is the line about him having two stepchildren but none of his own. The point? It somehow justifies the deceit and cheating because he has no genetic children? Somehow it is less of an immoral situation so she isn't as bad?
blue963 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Eau claire...i think she just gave the step children as information. I do not think she meant that they did not mean as much as biological children.
Author clairbear Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 Thank you it was just for information. I was just trying to provide info on his situation, believe it or not I have a lot of respect for him and yes I know I shouldn't have entertained getting involved. Thanks for the replies that were kind
Author clairbear Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 As for going to his department I am truly scared about what he will say! I mainly just feel sad and hope he is ok!
GreySkyMorning Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Agreed but not sure she deserves better. What jumps out at me is the line about him having two stepchildren but none of his own. The point? It somehow justifies the deceit and cheating because he has no genetic children? Somehow it is less of an immoral situation so she isn't as bad? Of course she deserves better. Every human does, even his wife. Why are you so bitter about that? You don't feel that everyone deserves a love and relationship that is good? I really don't think she was implying anything about the stepkids like you assumed. And she's not a bad person. She made a mistake, used poor judgment. That hardly makes her a bad person unless you want to condemn the majority of society as "bad" for making mistakes, yourself included I'm sure. 1
Author clairbear Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 Thanks graysky and the others who "defended" me... Eau Claire you couldn't be wrong I raised my ex husbands 2 children as my own for 10 years and still have a strong bond with them to this day, I know better than anyone how strong that bond can be biological or not. This of course adds to my guilt about the whole situation and yes I made a mistake and am doing my best to get my head round why I allowed the whole situation to occur, lack of boundaries on my part maybe? I don't know, hence why I posted here
dubliner Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I wouldn't recommend going over and asking why. Maybe he thought better of it, maybe another work colleague pulled him up on his involvement with you, maybe he's focusing in his family, let sleeping dogs lie and chalk it up to experience not to be repeated. Instead of worrying about him think rather about why you felt guilty about the relationship and better prepare yourself to avoiding making the same mistake again.
TaraMaiden Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Given that contact has ceased and he stopped it, there's actually very little point in putting yourself in the firing line for potential embarrassment, humiliation and rejection. Take it as read; it's over. There is no way of knowing why, and frankly, in your shoes it might be as well to leave it as a mystery. It happened, it escalated, it receded, it's over. That's all you really need to know. Your best bet is to accept it, move on and to forget about putting you in line for more disappointment, and him on the spot.
Author clairbear Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 I do know it is for the best deep down but just feeling really hurt How ridicules that I wanted to be the one who initiated NC but because he has done it I'm left feeling used and missing him a lot :-( EGO EGO EGO I suppose. I won't confront him I think Tara and Dubliner are right I would just be opening myself up for rejection I need to try and protect myself Thanks all for your input
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