Scotia Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 (edited) I've seen this idea mentioned in a few different threads here, that if the BS wants to contact the other person's partner, they should do so. Some people have even said that this should definitely happen. Why? Even removing myself from my own situation, I'm really curious what the logic is. What's to be gained? Edited January 29, 2014 by Scotia typo
italianjob Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Why should someone who had a big role in ruining your life just get away with it? What's to be lost? 1
sweet_pea Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Why? Because they deserve to know the truth, too? 12
HermioneG Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Because no human being deserves to be deceived about their own life. 12
experiencethedevine Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I've seen this idea mentioned in a few different threads here, that if the BS wants to contact the other person's partner, they should do so. Some people have even said that this should definitely happen. Why? Even removing myself from my own situation, I'm really curious what the logic is. What's to be gained? I knew a couple for many years and was a guest at their wedding. I had travelled with them through their married lives, the births of their two children and many of their trials and tribulations. The husband worked on the continent and was hardly ever at home, but for the usual holidays and the occasional weekend, so the wife immersed herself in the children/home. The wife began to resent the husbands absence, and the husband found it difficult to connect to his family because he hardly spent any time with them. (I think you probably know where this is going). The wife tries every which way to get her husbands attention, talking, cajoling, crying and ultimately eventually screaming and shouting for his attention. He could not bear the shouting and screaming so turned away from his wife. She took a part time job in a social setting and was flattered by a man she very nearly had a ONS with, but immediately informed her husband of what had occurred. A few years later things have become so distant and difficult that they seem unable to find any common ground. A divorce is initiated. The wife has her suspicions (as she had early in the marriage) that her husband was having an affair. The husband calls a mutual friend they both talk to, and tells the friend that he indeed, has been living and having a relationship with someone on the continent where he works for 18 months. the friendship is compromised and the friend with all this knowledge battles with their own moral compass having experienced infidelity first hand. What to do? Can't sleep, can't eat, wishing that the knowledge of his affair had not been relayed. Everyone BUT the wife knows of it. Do I tell her as she is the only one who doesn't know? What if she finds out from someone else and then discovers I have that knowledge? The friend decided to gently relay the information given to the wife. She was incredibly grateful as she had been feeling that she was going insane with an intuitive sense that this was indeed the case. Her husband had engineered the divorce while concealing his affair. She thanked the friend for saving her sanity. The husband had concealed much more than his clandestine relationship. When it all came out he ran away with his lover and her child to a place where the legal system could not gain access to him or his financial state. The wife and their two children were left with the roof over their heads and a gargantuan mountain of debt. Long story I know, but just one illustration of how telling can be a relief to someone who thinks they are going mad. 3
drifter777 Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 There's the vindictive aspect to it and I would never say that's a bad reason. I think the best reason I've heard is to make sure the A is over. Another BS watching their cheating spouse will help your WS stay NC or reveal to you that they can't quit cheating. 3
frogss29 Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 For me, it was so that there were no more secrets. I figured if her husband knew too, there was less chance she would contact MY husband......I wanted an even playing field to try and get my marriage back on track. 2
AlwaysGrowing Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Most believe that everyone has the right to know what is going on in their relationship. That if I have relevant information about something that would hurt another that I have an obligation to inform them. When I drive at night and see an oncoming vehicle with their lights off, I flash them...so that they are aware and can turn them on. I do not know them, it is just courtesy. Also, it generally assists with NC, as all parties are now aware. If the BS agree to compare notes, it can bring out any lies much quicker so that the BSs can make informed decisions. I think that for some WSs that when they are now face to face with knowing the other BS knows about them, it can remove the rose coloured glasses that they might have on about themselves and the affair. 4
carhill Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 if the BS wants to contact the other person's partner, they should do so. Some people have even said that this should definitely happen. Why? Independent verification. That's why I put my exW and EA partner together. No ambiguity. I knew what I was doing and was full cognizant of the consequences and each could interact independently and form their own impressions without any input from myself. If speaking from an outsider's POV, as example observing a suspected affair of a loved one or friend, my avenue of disclosure would be presenting verifiable evidence and leaving it at that. No discussion. If I had none, there would be none. 1
painfullyobvious Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 One reason is to have the other betrayed spouse aware of the cheating and perhaps reighn them in and put a stop to the sneaking around from their end. Both BS could help each other in the very short term In monitoring Another is to compare notes and see what they know about the affair and perhaps understand what has been going on, for how long, etc Burst WS bubble, letting other BS to at least be aware of the cheating to at least slow WS down for a bit Consequences for actions. If you are stupid enough to cheat you must pay on Dday 4
italianjob Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 There are other reasons: if you want to try and rebuild your marriage and you are fighting on your own, you might be up for a very long struggle, without actually knowing if it's possible or not. To tell the other spouse usually makes it a make-or-break situation. If it's something serious the cheaters will probably make up their minds and break their marriages. If it's not, the pressure on both sides often will end the relationship. And you have someone who helps you checking things. Also, the cheaters under pressure often stop seeing each other as so much cooler than their own spouses, and start seeing each other's shortcomings as well (imho). 2
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 OP, lets say you and your neighbor are using the same accountant, you find out that he is ripping off his customers, do you tell you neighbor? You're both being betrayed by the same person, do you step back and allow him to continue to take advantage of others? 4
Anne Boleyn Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I've seen this idea mentioned in a few different threads here, that if the BS wants to contact the other person's partner, they should do so. Some people have even said that this should definitely happen. Why? Even removing myself from my own situation, I'm really curious what the logic is. What's to be gained? In our situation, when the man I was having the affair with had his DDay, his wife didn't tell my husband... At first because that first 24 hours he went NC and broke things up via phone with her listening to make sure it was done... So there was no point as far as she was concerned. That second 24 hours, she said she was OK with the affair, finding out was a relief, and she was happy to divorce and move on... So she still had no reason to spill it. After two months when she said she wanted to reconcile, she still didn't tell him, not because she didn't want him to know or because she wasn't feeling vengeful, but because she knew if she told him we'd separate and divorce, and she felt that would leave me free to pursue her husband without constraints. She did, however, call my parents and told them. And had her parents call my parents to tell them to tell me to leave her husband alone. And she told my boss. And his boss. And everybody at work (we worked together). Pretty much everybody but my husband. I think the reason she didn't tell was because she had nothing to gain from it, as far as she could see, but I guess if she could have seen a tangible benefit, she would have. I know she was waiting for me to have my DDay and, when it happened and it didn't go at all as she thought it would, she went bonkers. I think that was what triggered a lot of what we went through because she knew at that point that neither of us had anything to lose in being together.
Woggle Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 They deserve to know plus you might gain an ally. There is strength in numbers and you both have a common enemy. 1
Fluttershy Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I think another aspect is loyalty. If a WS protects or tries to stop full disclosure of the A to the other BS they are showing that they are "protecting" the AP. That is a slap in the BS face. And shows who is getting priority. 2
sidney2718 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I think everyone who has posted so far agrees. I do as well. BUT I do think that each case requires some caution. The other betrayed person (OBP) may have mental stability issues, be in a difficult pregnancy, or who knows what kind of situation. So I would counsel doing a bit of research before spilling everything to the OBP. Nothing with potentially serious consequences should be done "automatically".
bubbaganoosh Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I had a situation where my wife and I ended the marriage and maybe 9 months later, I received a phone call from a woman who knew quite a bit about me and my wife. Wouldn't give me a name but kept asking questions about my marriage. I had an idea that it was the OM wife and called her on it and told her that I have nothing against her so why is she so afraid. We met and talked and she had a book on her husbands activities and I found out a few things about my ex wife. Now at this point I didn't care since we were not together any longer but not divorced yet. I gave the OM wife information and she told me what she knew. When my ex asked about the divorce, I told her that if she wants it I wont contest it but she better reach in her pocket for a lawyer because I wasn't and as far as I was concerned, I would go to my grave as her husband because I had no intentions of ever getting married again. Long and the short of it, I saved a few bucks and used the money for a good down payment on a new truck. 1
Just_AGuy Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 If my spouse is unfaithful to me I would like to know. I can't understand people who say they don't want to know those things. Why people do that (inform other spouse)? I think two reasons - 1) it will stop romance for sure 2) it's a sort of revenge. My opinion that this is alright. I did not do that when my wife cheated. But one thing I somewhat regret - I should have beat the crap out of my now ex-wife's lover. Because for the sake of all betrayed spouses, they (ones who are into things with married people) have to know that it is not OK to ruin or help to ruin someones marriage. I didn't do that. But I think I felt better if I did that. But it's 6 months since we are not together anymore... so it's way too late to pull this.
underwater2010 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Two sets of eyes are better than one!!!
road Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I've seen this idea mentioned in a few different threads here, that if the BS wants to contact the other person's partner, they should do so. Some people have even said that this should definitely happen. Why? Even removing myself from my own situation, I'm really curious what the logic is. What's to be gained? It makes all who were involved held accountable and face the consequences that they made of their own doing. Both BS's deserve the truth. Your OMW needs to know that her WH can not be trusted. Sorry this is not meant to say the OM only thought of you as an easy lay. But whose bed is the OM in now? That point is that your OM cheated. He got to enjoy the rush of not just sex with a new person, but the added rush of illicit sex. These bedroom activities create chemical reactions that trigger addictive responses. This is why NC must be for life. Contact triggers the brain and makes it crave those addictive feelings again and the affair restarts. Being that the OM did not get burnt he will most likely cave into his cravings and have more OW/WW's. This is why his BW must be told. She can not trust her WH. She must watch out on her end to make sure that the OM does not try and break NC with you again. As well as not go fishing for a new OW to bang. And that has happened in the past many a WW restarted the affair without their BH detecting it. And it only got stopped the second time because the BW exposed the restart to the BH. Also by being made aware the BW can get the professional help for them to affair proof their marriage and make it a better marriage now then pre affair.
road Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I think another aspect is loyalty. If a WS protects or tries to stop full disclosure of the A to the other BS they are showing that they are "protecting" the AP. That is a slap in the BS face. And shows who is getting priority. So true. Putting the OM ahead of the BH. Even after the affair is dead. Just as bad as if the WW slapped the BH's face with the OM's p3#!$.
not-so-sure Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 It makes all who were involved held accountable and face the consequences that they made of their own doing. Both BS's deserve the truth. Your OMW needs to know that her WH can not be trusted. Sorry this is not meant to say the OM only thought of you as an easy lay. But whose bed is the OM in now? That point is that your OM cheated. He got to enjoy the rush of not just sex with a new person, but the added rush of illicit sex. These bedroom activities create chemical reactions that trigger addictive responses. This is why NC must be for life. Contact triggers the brain and makes it crave those addictive feelings again and the affair restarts. Being that the OM did not get burnt he will most likely cave into his cravings and have more OW/WW's. This is why his BW must be told. She can not trust her WH. She must watch out on her end to make sure that the OM does not try and break NC with you again. As well as not go fishing for a new OW to bang. And that has happened in the past many a WW restarted the affair without their BH detecting it. And it only got stopped the second time because the BW exposed the restart to the BH. Also by being made aware the BW can get the professional help for them to affair proof their marriage and make it a better marriage now then pre affair. I am the WS and I have thought often whether I should tell the other, innocent guy. In the end, tempting as it is, it doesn't do anything for *me*. I know that doing everything for *me* got me to this point, but who am I to stand in the way of how she deals with things. My wife has no interest in this type of thing so I guess it remains unpunished, on the OW side at least. A life built on lies is no life , is it?
nabelp Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I literally just went through this. I struggled for two months on whether or not to tell the other spouse. My wifes affair happened in 01 but I didnt find out until Oct of 13. There were many reasons why I sent her a letter in the mail. I didnt want her husband to think he had gotten away with something. I wanted him to know that I now knew. I needed her to know because she deserved to know. She needed to know who she was living with. I also needed to know if my wife was telling the truth. By contacting her, we could compare stories. There was also a vindictive factor too. The one thing that I was very hesitant on was that I would be possibly destroying someone elses marriage. Two weeks after I sent the letter, she called me. We talked a long time and put our stories together and there were some discrepancies. I found out that in deed my wife was not telling me the truth. I apologized numerous times to her but she always thanked me for telling her. We have talked and texted quite a few times since the first time. Shes actually becoming a friend in a weird sort of way. One day last week, her phone number came up on my phone and when I answered it, it was her husband. Needless to say, my heart dropped to my ankles. It turned out to be a conversation that I did not expect. He apologized to me. Told me it wasnt his proudest moment. He started crying for the hurt that he caused me. He said he was not the same person he was in 01. He said he thought about it quite often throughout the years and had so much guilt and regret over it. He actually said that he was relieved that the affair was exposed. I needed to hear all this because I needed closure. So this is my situation. I dont know what your outcome will be but mine worked out ok. I dont ever see the four of us taking a Mexican vacation but I now look at him as a human being. 3
experiencethedevine Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I am the WS and I have thought often whether I should tell the other, innocent guy. In the end, tempting as it is, it doesn't do anything for *me*. I know that doing everything for *me* got me to this point, but who am I to stand in the way of how she deals with things. My wife has no interest in this type of thing so I guess it remains unpunished, on the OW side at least. A life built on lies is no life , is it? Quite so my friend....................................
CantgetoveritNY Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Op - where are you? I'd be interested to hear what you think of all the thoughtful replies.
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