Guys in bands

[Jive]

Looking for some female perspective on an issue:

 

Alright so last year I accepted an offer to join a semi-successful indie rock band playing bass guitar. It's starting to take up a lot of time and I now have to do 2 tours this year with a few months off in between.

 

This will be my first time touring, so while I am interested in seeing what kind girls I'm going to meet at these shows, a larger part of me is still looking for a meaningful relationship regardless.

 

Here's my question: if say on date 1 or 2 I mention that I will need to leave for awhile to tour (few weeks at a time) is this an automatic deal breaker with some women? I'm 27 and tend to date in the late 20s age bracket where from my experience, most women are looking for a man to settle down with. I guess I worry that she would find this off putting due to the fact that a band touring often lives a pretty rough lifestyle on the road and meets countless women.

 

I do have a regular salary job that lets me off for these things tho so it's not like I'm the struggling musician with no direction. This has been a dream come true but I feel like once I joined the band it felt like stepping onto a freight train moving at a 1,000 mph with no clear end on sight, which is completely contradicting my desire to have someone special in my life. I would be absolutely horrible for leaving a girl at home for weeks at a time worrying about me. And I'm not exactly the kind of guy who wants to go home with a different girl every night either.... Ugh.

Edited January 29, 2014 by Jive

[GoreSP]

Well, I may be biased because I used to play bass in a band too (I'm female)

 

Dating a musician who goes on tour regularly wouldn't be a deal breaker for me.

 

Have fun with it though - I know I did! Do the tours and quit when you feel the 'freight train' is going too fast for you.

 

 

However, if I were you, I wouldn't count on having a meaningful relationship with a girl you meet at a show (and that's just because I hate to use the term groupie) - especially if she tried getting with the singer and the guitarist (and possibly the drummer too) before you lol

[Ruby Slippers]

You can have a stable relationship even while doing a traveling gig, if you really want to. It would essentially work like a sometimes-long-distance relationship. We have phones, e-mail, Skype, and all kinds of ways to keep in touch these days. If you make the relationship a priority, and keep communication open and reliable, it can work. Your girlfriend might be able to travel and come to your shows sometimes, which could make for a fun little mini-vacation together.

[acrosstheuniverse]

The right woman won't care. I'm a huge music geek (studied it at degree level, been in bands and toured myself, both orchestral and metal nationally and internationally) and a guy being away for weeks at a time on tour wouldn't bother me as long as I trusted him. It's part of the job and a lot of women really dig musicians. I echo the previous poster though and wouldn't try and meet women at shows. They 99% will only like you because you're in the band. I'd keep meeting women through other avenues instead and tell them upfront about your touring commitments.

 

It's no real difference to a guy working offshore or being away with some other kind of work. There's this perception that it's all party party groupies groupies but it is what you make of it. Plenty of professional bands simply don't have the time for that kind of crap, they play their shows, load the van/bus up and travel through the night to the next venue. It may seem glamourous but from experience it's anything but. Sometimes after a show all you want to do is crawl into a nice warm bed alone, and by a few gigs into a tour chances are you've spent more than enough time with your bandmates so aren't going to be wanting to party with them every single night either.

[acrosstheuniverse]

You can have a stable relationship even while doing a traveling gig, if you really want to. It would essentially work like a sometimes-long-distance relationship. We have phones, e-mail, Skype, and all kinds of ways to keep in touch these days. If you make the relationship a priority, and keep communication open and reliable, it can work. Your girlfriend might be able to travel and come to your shows sometimes, which could make for a fun little mini-vacation together.

 

I was going to suggest this, and then I remembered how annoying many bands find it when someone's girlfriend or boyfriend tags along it's different if you're all middle aged and bringing the wife and kids on tour, but if you're a bunch of mostly single people in your twenties it's a bit weird in general to have a partner travel with you for any significant period of time. Everyone's mileage may vary!

[Jive]

Very true. No band wants a yoko Ono. I appreciate a lot of the insight so far. I'm actually considering putting dating on hold for awhile and seeing what happens. I'm not banking on the idea of groupies or anything. I'd much rather venture off by myself after the show and skype with a girlfriend. I guess we'll see.

[antonio1149]

Not a female, but I've been in a couple of touring bands so I thought I'd comment.

 

There are plenty of women who will date you even though you're traveling and aren't home all the time. If they like you, the added bonus of being connected to "the glamorous life" seems to outweigh the disadvantages. Also, you can meet nice, normal women at shows who aren't "groupies" per se and who will also be open to a relationship, though in most cases this isn't practical. I once met someone several states away and seriously considered flying out to visit, but I ended up not liking her quite enough.

 

I was in one larger group backing up a famous person so we had a nice tour bus, stayed in hotels, and didn't have to drive or haul equipment. In other words, there was plenty of time for carousing and most guys took advantage of it. Some had wives or girlfriends at home. I'm more of the faithful type and it was a little disappointing to see how guys would immediately adopt an "I'm a rock star now, the normal rules don't apply" attitude and cheat on their partners without a second thought. You say you're the not-sleep-around type, but also that you're "interested to see what kinds of girls [you] can meet," so it seems to me you'll be sorely tempted by what's out there. Just be straightforward about who you are and what you're doing and then everyone will know where they stand.

[Jive]

Awesome thanks for the great advice. Yes, being a young male of course I'm tempted to see what's out there lol, but I think wanting a faithful relationship definitely outweighs that temptation. Shame to hear so many guys cheat on the road like that.