janedoe67 Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Not every person or situation can be painted with a broad brush... So yes to each their own. Sometimes I wonder if we need a forum called "why I think reconciliation is bad" or even better "why I "reconciled" but still hate my wife." 1
road Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Sometimes I wonder if we need a forum called "why I think reconciliation is bad" or even better "why I "reconciled" but still hate my wife." Recovering a marriage is not bad. People think it is bad because they want to rug sweep instead of doing the 2 to 5 years of work that recovery takes. Recovery fails because people only want to do it their way. Well picking and just choosing the things that they only want to do does not work. That is why the marriages just stay on life support after D day. Recovery is not bad because there are no guarantees that it will work. 2
janedoe67 Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Recovering a marriage is not bad. People think it is bad because they want to rug sweep instead of doing the 2 to 5 years of work that recovery takes. Recovery fails because people only want to do it their way. Well picking and just choosing the things that they only want to do does not work. That is why the marriages just stay on life support after D day. Recovery is not bad because there are no guarantees that it will work. I agree that recovery is not bad. I disagree that rug-sweeping is the ONLY reason it doesn't work. Keeping things alive and punishing indefinitely can do a pretty bad number on recovery as well. That is why I admire the character of THIS OP. 3
sidney2718 Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 It is an odd state of affairs when I trust so little that I am even skeptical of what is certain, isn't it? lol I have always had trust issues. I had a rather rough childhood and convinced myself early on that most people were *******s and not to be trusted, as they would all hurt you in the end. Its something I have worked on for years, and until recently, I felt I had made huge improvements. Then the one person I have ever truly trusted stabbed me in the back. Years of work has been undone. Even if I confirm something - well, I have been hurt beyond measure, and am wary of it happening again. If that makes any sense. It makes excellent sense. Just remember, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. And you haven't lost! One problem we rarely talk about is that WS, more usually women, withhold information because they don't want to hurt their BS any more than they already are hurt. And that often drives men crazy. Yet they have little choice. They know that the secret information will drive their spouses crazy. And they know that not telling will also cause trouble. Recovery requires two people. But it does NOT require that the WS become the slave of the BS, doing everything that they are told, hopping to it when called, and generally totally submerging their personalities in order to save a marriage. In future years that could lead to severe problems. And no, I am not saying that the WS should be let off the hook. I am saying that the WS has to be treated with sincere humanity so that they will respond out of love and not fear. 2
sidney2718 Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 I will never under stand why any one would put them self throw so much emotional agony by reconciling Marriage is a very intimate experience. When you've stayed up all night with a sick spouse watching them during a serious illness, a bond is formed. When you see your wife in childbirth and know that she is going through that in part for you, bringing your child into the world, a bond is formed. And when you get through bad times together like the death of a parent, a bond is formed. When the marriage hits a rough spot and divorce is in the air, sometimes, even oft-times, memories hit you especially of the good times and the years gone by. reconciliation comes into your mind. There are many threads here of folks who swear they will never take their spouses back, but then do take them back because they'd built lives together with them. Yes, it is painful and yes there will be trust issues and treatment issues and other issues. That's life. Seriously. We were never guaranteed a lifespan of parties, banquets, and balls. 1
xAkulax Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 (edited) Marriage is a very intimate experience. When you've stayed up all night with a sick spouse watching them during a serious illness, a bond is formed. When you see your wife in childbirth and know that she is going through that in part for you, bringing your child into the world, a bond is formed. And when you get through bad times together like the death of a parent, a bond is formed. When the marriage hits a rough spot and divorce is in the air, sometimes, even oft-times, memories hit you especially of the good times and the years gone by. reconciliation comes into your mind. There are many threads here of folks who swear they will never take their spouses back, but then do take them back because they'd built lives together with them. Yes, it is painful and yes there will be trust issues and treatment issues and other issues. That's life. Seriously. We were never guaranteed a lifespan of parties, banquets, and balls. I here what your saying and I agree with most points but the problem I have is wouldn't does intimate experience and bond you speak of be a strong enough reason to not have an affair in the first place.That's the core of my problem with this if the good and bad times where good enough for the BS to stay faithful why was it not enough for the WS Edited February 3, 2014 by xAkulax
kalimata Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Timmos- thanks for sharing. Sorry you are here. Never feel sad for expressing how you feel. SHE made the decision to cheat, and deserves every bit of this roller coaster. Tell her you love her, but that she need to understand that this is how things are going to be until you have a chance to heal. 1
sidney2718 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I here what your saying and I agree with most points but the problem I have is wouldn't does intimate experience and bond you speak of be a strong enough reason to not have an affair in the first place.That's the core of my problem with this if the good and bad times where good enough for the BS to stay faithful why was it not enough for the WS People are complex. And the sources of infidelity are even more complex. I am not saying that every marriage can be saved. I'm not even saying that every marriage should be saved. I was answering the more blunt question of why folks seek reconciliation. Also recognize that on this message board most (not all, most) who post here are really looking for a way out of divorce. If they are truly set on divorce, they don't post here, they get divorced. Many who post here want advice on how to make it all go away, even though they know very well that can't happen. Then they look for ways to either divorce or reconcile without pain. And that can't happen either. Which is why so many justly complain about the pain -- and some folks have so much of it that it actually changes their personalities. But this is life. Nowhere is it guaranteed that we will be happy or safe or loved. But we strive for those things. Those that withdraw from social interaction out of fear of pain often lead narrow constricted lives that never know the joy of simply holding hands with a beloved. The Love Shack is a deep well of pain. It exists so that the pained can gain some relief or, if not that, at least some understanding of what they are going through. It is the valley of the damned trying to save those it can. 3
aliveagain Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Sometimes I wonder if we need a forum called "why I think reconciliation is bad" or even better "why I "reconciled" but still hate my wife." Jane, just change "wife" for the word life in your statement.
aliveagain Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Your story is one of those particularly distrbing stories. I am sorry you went through that. I am sorry for her child and all the innocent people he sabatoges eith her inability to grow up. If I could only start a thread that would stop a wayward from becoming a wayward. I think about my innocent lost son all the time, I was the best thing in his life. If there is a vengeance, I have become everything she ever wished for but can never have. 1
janedoe67 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 If I could only start a thread that would stop a wayward from becoming a wayward. I think about my innocent lost son all the time, I was the best thing in his life. If there is a vengeance, I have become everything she ever wished for but can never have. THIS I read people's posts about how "I know it;s wrong but his compliments make me feel better" or "I know I shouldn't but I'm so unhappy".....And I want to shout "DON'T!!" I feel sometimes like that person in the analogy of the washed out bridge/road. I want to wave my hands and yell and step in front of the car...but some people just HAVE to keep driving until they go over the edge to get that the road is gone. If they would just BELIEVE those of us who have been there about how horrible the drop is. 1
Scott Thomas Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Why did you dicide to reconcile, if you don't mind me asking? "Leave Me Alone". My neighbour's wife said this after her A and their attempts at reconciling. The man packed his bag and left the house. Since the date was April 1, she thought he was bluffing. He's happily remarried with two kids. 2
Author Timmos Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 Why did you dicide to reconcile, if you don't mind me asking? "Leave Me Alone". My neighbour's wife said this after her A and their attempts at reconciling. The man packed his bag and left the house. Since the date was April 1, she thought he was bluffing. He's happily remarried with two kids. Her "leave me alone" was more of a momentary comment. I was quite angry at the time, shouting, and probably saying things I shouldn't have said. We calmly discuss the topic all the time, without any resistance to my questions, etc. Why did I stay? I don't know. Love makes you stupid? Maybe because I didn't know the woman who was having the affair, but now my wife is back? Long history. Good marriage up until that time. And because she is trying to do anything and everything I ask of her to prove herself to me. Maybe she will, maybe she won't - its just a game of wait and see, and I imagine it will be for some time. 1
Author Timmos Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 And if my family falls apart, if the world we built together is destroyed, I will be able to say that I tried, and it sure as hell isn't my fault.
Ap22 Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 I will never under stand why any one would put them self throw so much emotional agony by reconciling I thought as you did. I never put up with infidelity from girlfriends. If they cheated, it was over. I always said if my wife cheated, it was over. When it happened, my first thoughts were its over. Seeing my 5 year so confused on dday changed all that. For me, I wasnt ready to uproot her life as she has known it. I wasnt ready to explain something to a small child unable to understand. I wasnt ready to have her ripped from my daily life. Even though my wife broke up the family, the laws of the land would probably still favor her with custody (which is a load of crap....if you actively break up your family, that should be a major consideration in custody). I stayed initially because of my daughter. Her needs far outweigh mine and I will gladly give up self respect and ego for her. I know now that I can get past this. I still love my wife and she is doing everything to make it up. Its not the deathblow I always assumed it would be. She has, however, used up her only 2nd chance and she has changed me forever. Her old husband is gone. Her new one is a better man who will never put up with her old crap again. 2
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