I made her cry.

[Timmos]

The ups and downs of reconciliation are indeed a roller coaster ride. After a day out with our seven year old daughter yesterday, I triggered - pretty hard. By the time my wife returned home, I was in a terribly foul mood. Things had pent up all day, and it didn't take long for them to come out.

 

After a bout of yelling and the usual outpouring of pain and anger, I asked her, "Just what the hell do you want???"

 

She turned and ran into the basement. I followed her, and then she answered me. "I just want you to leave me alone," as she burst into tears.

 

My wife typically doesn't cry. In fact, there has only been one occasion since DDay that I have seen her honestly weep (though there have been other times I haven't), and that was when I packed her suitcase after another round of trickle truth.

 

I couldn't take it. It hurt. But she deserves it! After all, look what she has done, what she has caused! But I love her, and Christ, it hurts to see her cry.

 

She tells me she feels like the most horrible person to have ever walked the face of the earth. That she doesn't have a moments peace with herself. That she is scared to death that, when she comes home, I will be angry or upset. That I might change my mind and tell her to leave anyway.

 

We stood holding each other for a while and something came to me. Maybe its common knowledge among the reconciling, but it was new to me.

 

We, the betrayed, are of right, totally wrapped up in our own pain and betrayal. We see what has been done to us and how terrible it hurts. It eats away at our thoughts and our bodies. To the point that we might be blind to the fact that a truly remorseful spouse is suffering as well.

 

Do they deserve it? Probably. But now I realize that, for this chance to reconcile to really have a chance, I have to understand her guilt, shame, pain - and be as kind and loving towards her as she has been towards me.

[BetrayedH]

It's like walking a damned tightrope. Lean too far either direction and you're toast. And you really have to keep walking forward anyway (or turn around and go back).

 

I always wished that my wife would just open up. It almost always resulted in empathy, much like what you just experienced. Silence did the opposite.

[Timmos]

It's like walking a damned tightrope. Lean too far either direction and you're toast. And you really have to keep walking forward anyway (or turn around and go back).

 

I always wished that my wife would just open up. It almost always resulted in empathy, much like what you just experienced. Silence did the opposite.

 

In a weird way, her crying makes it easier. As much as I hate to see it. But as she DOESN'T open up very much, when she does, there IS a large amount of empathy from me. Shes starting therapy soon, so hopefully this is something that we can work out.

[compulsivedancer]

Timmos, this is very similar to what H and I went through for several months after DDay, except Im a crier. It is good that I had a flexible job then, as I often stayed home from work because he needed me there. He yelled a lot. Most of the time I could take it, and as his anger burned down, it led to good (but very long) discussions.

 

But there were a few times where I just had to get away for a while. One time in particular, I told H that I needed to be left alone. He left the bedroom, then got angry about me wanting to be left alone. I ended up fleeing the bedroom and left the house. I got out to the front steps and realized my car was in the shop. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't take any more that day. Thankfully H realized I was near my breaking point, or I probably would've ended up taking a walk or something. As much as I wanted to be there for H, and as much as I deserved it, there was a limit to what I could take in a certain time frame.

 

It is good to recognize this. It doesn't mean you can't be angry, and can't express it. Dont bottle things up either. Just remember what you said: that you're trying to reconcile, not punish.

[BetrayedH]

In a weird way, her crying makes it easier. As much as I hate to see it. But as she DOESN'T open up very much, when she does, there IS a large amount of empathy from me. Shes starting therapy soon, so hopefully this is something that we can work out.

 

This always seems to be the damn trick: get them to open up without them feeling punished. Somehow you have to convince them that "punishment" is not remotely the point. Talking about it helps you process and helps you empathize. Silence doesn't make it go away faster; it makes it slower. In the meantime, do your part to NOT punish her. Work on the anger issues. Make agreements about how to discuss things with one another. I failed at it but one of my goals was: no yelling and no swearing. Try to find a way to work thru triggers together (it's a team effort) without the animosity. Some if it is her perception and some of it is your delivery.

 

With my wife, I think a lot of the avoidance was also because there was still some TT left in her. I hope it's different in your scenario.

 

Just my $.02

[harrybrown]

Glad you did end up in a better place.

 

Sometimes I get so angry and I am angry at the world over her cheating and how unfair this is to me.

 

I do not know if I can stay.

 

But if you do want to reconcile, I am glad to see that you are better about the anger and the situation. It was good for me to read how you realized that she is also hurting.

[Timmos]

It was good for me to read how you realized that she is also hurting.

 

This place has been a tremendous source of encouragement and hope for me over the last few months. I'm just happy to contribute something back lol

[drifter777]

There is a fundamental problem that people are overlooking and that is you, the BS, cannot make the WS "feel" anything. In order for your WS to feel bad because of what you say they must validate it as something they already believe to be true. Calling her a slut is an insulting word but unless she feels like she is a slut for what she did it will not cause a painful emotional reaction. Calling him a worthless pig won't get a gut-level reaction unless he is already feeling that way. No matter how much the WS says "that makes me angry and hurt because it's not true", don't believe it. You've heard "Thou doth protest too much" right? If they don't believe it to be true they can let go of your words without freaking out over what is said.

 

The BS is entitled to be angry and hurt enough to throw some viscous words at their WS for some period of time after d-day. If the frequency and intensity of the attack's does not decrease while trying to reconcile then something is wrong. The WS should not have to be tortured without end by their BS, but triggering from time-to-time is going to happen and expecting anything else is not realistic.

[MuddyFootprints]

1. Do not resort to name calling.

 

2. All discussion ends as soon as the name calling starts.

 

Regardless of the issue.

[confusedandhurt2002]

Great post. It takes a lot to be able to look at her and put yourself in her shoes when you have been hurt. I've been able to do that some with my husband. It is incredibly hard and I often don't feel he deserves it, but I understand that we, as humans, will fail and that we would want someone to understand our pain and guilt.

 

I just want you to know that this post really meant a lot to me today. I'm turned up inside and sometimes on here we only post when we are stressed and angry and upset so the posts others read are so negative. I know we have good days, but it's like a journal that you use to get your bad feelings out and years later, if someone saw it, they would think you were angry all the time.

 

Reading this post really helped to calm me and make me feel like I'm not alone in sometimes sitting and looking at him and wanting to comfort him and tell him, "I know you know what you did was wrong and I want you to know there is redemption." If a person wants it, there is redemption and I think my husband your wife want it.

 

Thank you for this post.

[waterwoman]

I would have found the whole thing easier if H had just cried or been emotional. He really didn't. So I was left feeling as if I was the only one who effing cared!!! He nearly lost his marriage, risked the love and respect of his children, destroyed the woman who had been his rock, his greatest supporter, his only serious love relationship .....And he was so CALM! I felt like I was a storm battering against a cliff and he didn't move. He thought he was being strong for me, he'd had his chance to be weak and selfish, now he was being strong, I thought he didn't care I felt sometimes as if I needed to do something to break through that calmness .

[AlwaysGrowing]

What a BS wants the most.....is for the affair to have never happened.

The only thing a remorseful WS can never give.....is for the affair to have never happened.

 

Quite the pickle.

 

Accepting that a WS can never give that is hard. It is just as hard for a remorseful WS to accept it as well.

 

Much to learn on this journey.....from all angles.

[janedoe67]

These episodes are painful, but I see some good things in your post. First, a WS needs to see your pain. Ideally there would be no name-calling or outbursts, but humans - I don't think - can't be hurt like that by someone they love and NOT have outbursts from time to time. Also, I think it is perfectly appropriate for a WS to feel the pain they caused and weep over it. I have to say, I am skeptical of the remorse of a WS who never sheds a tear. Finally, yes, you railed at her...but you also comforted her and didn't just leave her "twisting in the wind." In the end, you came together in your pain instead of you just punishing and her shutting it and you out.

 

It speaks well of YOU that you have enough empathy for your wife to not take glee in her pain even though she hurt you. You must be a man with strong character.

[drifter777]

What a BS wants the most.....is for the affair to have never happened.

The only thing a remorseful WS can never give.....is for the affair to have never happened.

 

Quite the pickle.

 

Accepting that a WS can never give that is hard. It is just as hard for a remorseful WS to accept it as well.

 

Much to learn on this journey.....from all angles.

Perfect! Thanks for putting my feelings into words for me.

[Spark1111]

Look, we all only have two choices: Accept who they are, their limitations and weaknesses and move on....

 

Or do not accept it and divorce.

 

There is healing in emotional, angry, tearful outbursts if the utterances ring true. Harder, for me is when they start going there and then shut down, either out so shame or fear or both.

 

Another unmet need of the BS. Sometimes, they are just incapable. can YOU accept that?

 

I told my IC it began to feel like kicking a dog when it is down. Cruel almost, in my press for emotional truths from my fWS....Hey, I was ALWAYS the stronger one.

 

so yes....it is a double-edged sword in that ok, NOW we are finally getting somewhere, but damn....I hate that I made you cry.

 

Can you live with the possibility that they may never introspect or come close enough to the their truth to heal you?

 

because that is a very real possibility when you love a weaker, more fragile person.

[bubbaganoosh]

I know she's hurting for her betrayal but IMO her hurting cant compare to the hurt the betrayed has to carry around.

 

Trying to forget is near impossible and it doesn't take but something tiny to cause a trigger and then there's an explosion of anger by the betrayed. I have no doubt she feels terrible about what she did but there's no way it can compare to the spouse who finds out that their husband/wife stabbed them in the back. It's the kind of pain you wouldn't wish on your worse enemy.

[Just_AGuy]

To the point that we might be blind to the fact that a truly remorseful spouse is suffering as well.

 

Should they suffer after all they have done to us, shouldn't they? Why to take all the burden onto yourself even if it was you who were betrayed?

[rumbleseat]

In some ways, reconciling is like grieving a death. The death of what you thought was real, your reality.

 

It hurts, and causes a wide range of other emotions as well. Sometimes things will seem to be going okay, you're happy and then all of a sudden it hits you all over again.

 

At those times, it's really easy to say hurtful things out of anger. It's understandable, but not okay.

 

The thing that i found really helpful was to never let it fester. If I said something hurtful out of anger, an apology was warranted for saying it, which was often a good way to start a discussion about how we both felt. Kind of like " taking lemons and making them into lemonade".

 

Reconciling takes a long time, and it goes beyond just words. It does sound like your wife loves you very much and is trying to make things right between you two again. That is a double edged sword for her, as it will help make the reconciliation work, but it makes it really painful for her. Talking with her about her pain and what she needs to feel that you two are really working through your problems is essential. While you may have the moral high ground, she needs love and care too. Giving that to her can help to rebuild the bonds between the two of you, so long as you continue to talk and work through things and don't just sweep them under the rug.

[janedoe67]

There was only one time that I ran from h. And it was not the truth of what he was saying that made me run. It was the yelling and the anger in his face and the fact that he leaned toward me and then came toward me. It was in instinctive thing.

 

I saw nothing in your OP to indicate she WASN'T introspecting, so be careful about assigning motives or not seeing remorse just because of her current label.

[road]

This place has been a tremendous source of encouragement and hope for me over the last few months. I'm just happy to contribute something back lol

 

 

 

 

 

You need more then encouragement. You need a road map to take you through recovery. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. It will give you the knowledge to save your marriage.

 

 

How would you feel if your WW kept banging the OM? You would feel that you are being abused by her.

 

 

Well constantly exploding about the affair is abusing your WW.

 

 

You have been here since October so your D day has been awhile. Time for explosions to be over.

 

 

First step after you get that book. You will need to schedule a polygraph for your WW. Trickle truthing is just continuing your torture.

 

 

Get the book for you and your WW to read and poly test that WW.

[compulsivedancer]

You need more then encouragement. You need a road map to take you through recovery. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. It will give you the knowledge to save your marriage.

 

 

How would you feel if your WW kept banging the OM? You would feel that you are being abused by her.

 

 

Well constantly exploding about the affair is abusing your WW.

 

 

You have been here since October so your D day has been awhile. Time for explosions to be over.

 

 

First step after you get that book. You will need to schedule a polygraph for your WW. Trickle truthing is just continuing your torture.

 

 

Get the book for you and your WW to read and poly test that WW.

Don't do a poly unless you want one. Seriously, road, when did you start pushing for polygraphs? That is destructive. They should only be used if absolutely necessary because the BS can't believe the WS. Even then, the parking lot confession is more valuable than the test itself.

 

Timmos, it sounds like you're on the right track. No need to take steps backwards by going this route.

[Timmos]

You need more then encouragement. You need a road map to take you through recovery. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. It will give you the knowledge to save your marriage.

 

 

How would you feel if your WW kept banging the OM? You would feel that you are being abused by her.

 

 

Well constantly exploding about the affair is abusing your WW.

 

 

You have been here since October so your D day has been awhile. Time for explosions to be over.

 

 

First step after you get that book. You will need to schedule a polygraph for your WW. Trickle truthing is just continuing your torture.

 

 

Get the book for you and your WW to read and poly test that WW.

 

We've both read it once already, starting on the second time.

[Timmos]

Don't do a poly unless you want one. Seriously, road, when did you start pushing for polygraphs? That is destructive. They should only be used if absolutely necessary because the BS can't believe the WS. Even then, the parking lot confession is more valuable than the test itself.

 

Timmos, it sounds like you're on the right track. No need to take steps backwards by going this route.

 

She has offered to take a polygraph test and claims there is nothing left for her to hide. She IS very worried that there is something that she either can't remember or simply hasn't thought of telling me. It only leads to further stress and anxiety on her part. She's been wracking her brain trying to think of something, ANYTHING, that she might not have mentioned.

[compulsivedancer]

She has offered to take a polygraph test and claims there is nothing left for her to hide. She IS very worried that there is something that she either can't remember or simply hasn't thought of telling me. It only leads to further stress and anxiety on her part. She's been wracking her brain trying to think of something, ANYTHING, that she might not have mentioned.

 

Tell her to talk to you as she thinks of things. She probably will think of other things, or you'll have questions for her. As long as she's been honest and filled in the broad strokes (and is not intentionally hiding anything), she shouldn't stress about that.

 

If she thinks of something later, she should simply tell you then. And if you think of a question you need answered, you should ask and she should answer. The important part is that she's open and that the two of you are taking the steps needed to heal.

[Timmos]

Tell her to talk to you as she thinks of things. She probably will think of other things, or you'll have questions for her. As long as she's been honest and filled in the broad strokes (and is not intentionally hiding anything), she shouldn't stress about that.

 

If she thinks of something later, she should simply tell you then. And if you think of a question you need answered, you should ask and she should answer. The important part is that she's open and that the two of you are taking the steps needed to heal.

 

At this point, I honestly don't have any questions left to ask. I can't think of anything else that hasn't been answered (and confirmed in one way or another). My problem at the moment is doubting the answers I have been given, simply because I am wary to accept very much as true. Takes time, I guess.