Author WP4046 Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 You shouldn't even ask to meet if you can't even act natural at dinner. I think we are talking about online dating right? You should typically email / talk to each other for a couple of weeks before agreeing to meet. You are not really strangers. You know something about the other person, and if that strikes your fancy, then you should meet. If there is any hint of possible awkwardness during the 1st date dinner, then you shouldn't even meet at all. Yes you can tell a lot about a person by doing a dinner 1st date. What she orders, how she dresses, how she talks to people....very telling signs if you'll click. Of course women should expect a nice dinner on the 1st date. They go through the trouble of looking nice and pretty, and taking a risk of meeting someone in person. If you can't be respectful to a woman at this minimum level, how to you expect her to like you enough to move forward? Indeed women in their 20s don't know much, but they know enough to not want to be with a cheap skate. Your post is the reason most men strive for sex on the 1st date and I don't blame them one bit
hasaquestion Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 You shouldn't even ask to meet if you can't even act natural at dinner. I think we are talking about online dating right? You should typically email / talk to each other for a couple of weeks before agreeing to meet. You are not really strangers. You know something about the other person, and if that strikes your fancy, then you should meet. If there is any hint of possible awkwardness during the 1st date dinner, then you shouldn't even meet at all. Yes you can tell a lot about a person by doing a dinner 1st date. What she orders, how she dresses, how she talks to people....very telling signs if you'll click. Of course women should expect a nice dinner on the 1st date. They go through the trouble of looking nice and pretty, and taking a risk of meeting someone in person. If you can't be respectful to a woman at this minimum level, how to you expect her to like you enough to move forward? Indeed women in their 20s don't know much, but they know enough to not want to be with a cheap skate. All this arguing gets back to the inconsistency of combining elements of a meet up and a Friday-night dinner date. Wanting to do something casual first makes total sense. But a "meet & greet" is something you do in the flow of your everyday life. Over coffee in the middle of the day, etc. The whole point is your just doing a flyby to see if you click. Low stakes, low effort. If you don't have noteworthy chemistry (like you know, most people who meet on the internet!) then nothing ventured, nothing lost. You aren't "exposing yourself" to the other party. The implication of the dinner date is that it is a high stakes meeting. Its Fri. night so both of you could be doing something fun with friends and instead you are meeting up. You're trying to impress her and she's going to dress up and try to impress you. There's an expectation of high stakes that comes with a Friday night dinner date. This girl is a jerk. But my .02 is to make sure the setting you choose for your "meet & greet" is an appropriate one, both in place AND time. 2
Phantom888 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Your post is the reason most men strive for sex on the 1st date and I don't blame them one bit I don't do sex on the 1st date. Tried it before, but not my style. I want to get to know a woman more before I have sex with her. I don't see a dinner date as an "investment." For me it's a situation where we can eat good food, be ourselves, and have a good time. I want to be able to enjoy myself, so I NEVER expect sex on the 1st date. Too much stress for everyone. In my experience, of all the women I dated, 90% of the time the woman initiates or suggests sex during the date. It feels as if by eliminating the possibility of having sex in my mind that night, the women can sense it, and become more motivated to have sex with me. I don't know....can't explain it. So women don't put out because of dinner...they put out because of the 1st impression, and being comfortable with you, which is often a result of a nice evening of eating, drinking and laughing.
Blade96 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 The girl is a bit of a jerk. I like to do the coffee thing. I had a nice coffee meet up (yes we were already friends but) with one of my friend's friends. It was a nice one, it was only one time but it let's us know if we click or not. We didn't, he's married now with kids but we are still on good terms years later. He's on my fb. I think coffees are nice for a first date thingy.
georgecostanza Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I was planning on meeting this girl after work on friday and suggested 2 different areas. One was starbucks and the other was place u can get pizza and sandwiches from called Cosi's. Then she sends this text "I guess I will choose cosi since u r not taking me to a real restaurant" No way I can meet her now. I explained I don't treat women to restaurants the 1st time because I wanna be sure we click. I am in no position to be treating someone to dinner the 1st time and may not see them again. The restaurant always came after date number 1. So she doesn't know it but she blew it that. Actually, you blew it. 1
georgecostanza Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Actually, you blew it. Just to elaborate because I suspect that there are a lot of people not being entirely honest about their dating expectations in this thread so I want to break it down for you. We'd all love to think we're open-minded enough to go on a date with anyone, regardless of how much it cose but in the real world, first impressions are important. A first date at a coffee shop chain on a Friday night. Think about that. Mull it over. It is a) cheap b) boring c) uninspired d) kind of ill-fitting for the time (more of a day date, collides with a time a lot of people do most of their socializing) e) doesn't express any kind of great esteem for her. One top of that it's actually worse that you gave her the option between the two - "you can either go to this crummy place or this crummy place." So basically you've given her the impression that you're a cheap, boring guy who doesn't have anything better to do on a Friday night but still hasn't put any effort into the date. Now you say you're not gonna take a girl for a meal unless you're gonna have sex, and it would seem you think people who take first dates for meals are just after one night stands. Hahaha. Are you for real? OK, now consider that a guy who takes a girl for a nice meal on a first date has a) shown that he is not a bum b) that he is interested & comfortable in being in her presence for more than half an hour c) by paying for the meal he has demonstrated some kind of vested interest in her d) potentially provided her with a special or memorable evening and then there's also e) the fact that women love food and drink. A lot. So you want a relationship, and you think that taking a girl to a coffee chain is going to somehow prove that you are more legit than these guys that make an effort, because you've somehow come to the weird conclusion that those guys are only after sex?! Which guy is the girl going to go with based on all of the above? It's not much of a choice is it? This is what you're up against, and it makes your offer look even more pathetic. Now here's the thing. Being poor doesn't mean that you have to spend a lot on meals, it just means you have to be more creative. Cities always have tons of free or inexpensive stuff to do, beyond the bog standard meal / drink / coffee / cinema date format. Just think outside the box a little. You can even be honest about it if you want, "I've only just started working again recently so I still need to keep an eye on things financially at the moment, but I thought ... might be fun" or something like that (I'd probably skip the being broke part entirely though ) Granted her response was a bit arsey but you were lucky she was even still interested after the offer you gave her. Try harder next time eh? 2
Author WP4046 Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 All this arguing gets back to the inconsistency of combining elements of a meet up and a Friday-night dinner date. Wanting to do something casual first makes total sense. But a "meet & greet" is something you do in the flow of your everyday life. Over coffee in the middle of the day, etc. The whole point is your just doing a flyby to see if you click. Low stakes, low effort. If you don't have noteworthy chemistry (like you know, most people who meet on the internet!) then nothing ventured, nothing lost. You aren't "exposing yourself" to the other party. The implication of the dinner date is that it is a high stakes meeting. Its Fri. night so both of you could be doing something fun with friends and instead you are meeting up. You're trying to impress her and she's going to dress up and try to impress you. There's an expectation of high stakes that comes with a Friday night dinner date. This girl is a jerk. But my .02 is to make sure the setting you choose for your "meet & greet" is an appropriate one, both in place AND time. She actually had a date tonight which made me realize why she said what she said about our meeting. My suggestion didn't compare to where the guy was taking her tonight so it wasn't no need to waste my time
Author WP4046 Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 Just to elaborate because I suspect that there are a lot of people not being entirely honest about their dating expectations in this thread so I want to break it down for you. We'd all love to think we're open-minded enough to go on a date with anyone, regardless of how much it cose but in the real world, first impressions are important. A first date at a coffee shop chain on a Friday night. Think about that. Mull it over. It is a) cheap b) boring c) uninspired d) kind of ill-fitting for the time (more of a day date, collides with a time a lot of people do most of their socializing) e) doesn't express any kind of great esteem for her. One top of that it's actually worse that you gave her the option between the two - "you can either go to this crummy place or this crummy place." So basically you've given her the impression that you're a cheap, boring guy who doesn't have anything better to do on a Friday night but still hasn't put any effort into the date. Now you say you're not gonna take a girl for a meal unless you're gonna have sex, and it would seem you think people who take first dates for meals are just after one night stands. Hahaha. Are you for real? OK, now consider that a guy who takes a girl for a nice meal on a first date has a) shown that he is not a bum b) that he is interested & comfortable in being in her presence for more than half an hour c) by paying for the meal he has demonstrated some kind of vested interest in her d) potentially provided her with a special or memorable evening and then there's also e) the fact that women love food and drink. A lot. So you want a relationship, and you think that taking a girl to a coffee chain is going to somehow prove that you are more legit than these guys that make an effort, because you've somehow come to the weird conclusion that those guys are only after sex?! Which guy is the girl going to go with based on all of the above? It's not much of a choice is it? This is what you're up against, and it makes your offer look even more pathetic. Now here's the thing. Being poor doesn't mean that you have to spend a lot on meals, it just means you have to be more creative. Cities always have tons of free or inexpensive stuff to do, beyond the bog standard meal / drink / coffee / cinema date format. Just think outside the box a little. You can even be honest about it if you want, "I've only just started working again recently so I still need to keep an eye on things financially at the moment, but I thought ... might be fun" or something like that (I'd probably skip the being broke part entirely though ) Granted her response was a bit arsey but you were lucky she was even still interested after the offer you gave her. Try harder next time eh? First of all it was a friday at 5pm which means it would have been done with by 6:30pm or 7pm. Not like it was a friday night at 10pm
MrNate 2.0 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 First of all it was a friday at 5pm which means it would have been done with by 6:30pm or 7pm. Not like it was a friday night at 10pm I hope you already next'd her. That is not how I'd expect anyone to behave towards me especially when we don't know each other. The bright side is you got to see her character and not drop a load of money beforehand. I approve of your dating style. 1
pickflicker Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Wait a minute, I think I'm gonna offend some here, but I'm still gonna say this: You are in your mid 30s, and you would only invest in a full dinner if you "click"? Yes times are tough, but that just sounds so CHEAP. What's wrong with dinner on the 1st date, and have a really good time getting to know someone? I can't imagine a woman taking you seriously if you can't even invest in a dinner for the 1st date. I mean, that just sounds petty and cheap, which are horrible 1st impressions. Understand that women want to be treated with respect. Coffee and fast food are okay if you two are already close, and want something non-fancy. If you gonna make a good impression, you have to take her to dinner or something nicer. Especially women in their 20s who believe "older" men know better. You are totally acting like someone her age, who have no clue how to treat a woman. Bottom line: Dating is expensive. If you can't afford to date, you should date someone who will pay for you. Yes plenty of women would go for that, but young ladies in their 20s probably won't settle for that, unless you are really good in bed. Well said. Taking someone to fast food for a first date is like wearing a tracksuit with holes in it to a job interview. You're auditioning for the role of potential lover. Have some class.
Author WP4046 Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 Well said. Taking someone to fast food for a first date is like wearing a tracksuit with holes in it to a job interview. You're auditioning for the role of potential lover. Have some class. It was a cafe with the option of food or desert In the summer time I meet for ice cream so why is meeting for coffee in the winter time any different?
TheBlingRing14 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 You absolutely dodged a bullet, OP. I do think your attitude could use some adjusting though. Like someone else says, you can be creative with the first meet and greet, that way it is still casual, but without the obvious "I'm hedging my bets" vibe. "How about I grab a pizza, and we can go....(fill in the blank)" What's a pizza gonna set you back? $10? And if things don't work out...you still have half a pizza for breakfast in the morning. Or maybe a pool hall. Some drinks and maybe an appetizer or two. Easy. Even a sports bar, where you can have dinner, but still have sort of a buffer going on around you with all the games, so that it doesn't seem like a fancy sort of thing. "Here's your two choices: X or Y" has sort of a tacky finality to it that would probably put me off, even if they were places I enjoy. And, if I got the impression that a guy was taking me on some sort of "test date" much less if he came right out and said, "I'm waiting to see if we click before I decide if you are worth an actual dinner date," which is essentially what you are saying/doing, I would be SO done. It's all about presenting it in a kinder way: more "Hey, let's keep things casual and see how things go" less "I want to put forth the least effort possible, because I just don't know if you are worth an actual date. Here are your options." 1
pickflicker Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 It was a cafe with the option of food or desert In the summer time I meet for ice cream so why is meeting for coffee in the winter time any different? I've already agreed that she was rude in the way she responded. But at the end of the day, you're without a date and women do expect a certain amount of effort. What you're doing screams no effort. You both could learn something from this experience.
MrNate 2.0 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I've already agreed that she was rude in the way she responded. But at the end of the day, you're without a date and women do expect a certain amount of effort. What you're doing screams no effort. You both could learn something from this experience. He'll have more options. Hopefully the next woman will have some manners and use proper grammar. 1
pickflicker Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 He'll have more options. Hopefully the next woman will have some manners and use proper grammar. I didn't say he wouldn't have other options. I didn't excuse the girl for her appalling manners. I suggested putting in some more effort. Sheesh, it's annoying when people don't read what you've written.
MrNate 2.0 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I didn't say he wouldn't have other options. I didn't excuse the girl for her appalling manners. I suggested putting in some more effort. Sheesh, it's annoying when people don't read what you've written. I read what you wrote just fine. Obviously you didn't excuse the girl, otherwise I would have mentioned that. Thankfully he won't have to worry about her. 1
Phoe Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 My first date with my boyfriend was at a coffee shop on a Saturday night. It cost a whole $2 lol. I did not care that it was saturday. I did not care that it was a coffee shop (I actually adore that lil coffee shop, used to go there a lot in high school). I did not care that he only spent $2 (I was expecting to buy my own drink, he refused to let me and I was very appreciative of his gesture). We had a wonderful time, clicked, and have been together ever since. IDK why there are people trying to insist that a scenario like the one above is bad form for a date or unimpressive. I was thrilled with it. 4
MrNate 2.0 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 My first date with my boyfriend was at a coffee shop on a Saturday night. It cost a whole $2 lol. I did not care that it was saturday. I did not care that it was a coffee shop (I actually adore that lil coffee shop, used to go there a lot in high school). I did not care that he only spent $2 (I was expecting to buy my own drink, he refused to let me and I was very appreciative of his gesture). We had a wonderful time, clicked, and have been together ever since. IDK why there are people trying to insist that a scenario like the one above is bad form for a date or unimpressive. I was thrilled with it. And that's exactly how it should be, Phoe. You two connected over a small date, then took things from there. Are you sure he didn't need to take you to an upscale restaurant on the first date to stimulate your ovaries? 1
Phoe Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Are you sure he didn't need to take you to an upscale restaurant on the first date to stimulate your ovaries? Dang it, alright, I'll admit it. He took me in a limousine to the finest restaurant in town, dropped $500 on food and drinks, then galloped me on a white horse back to his place where he laid me in a bed of roses and proceeded to bone me. 2
Author WP4046 Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 You absolutely dodged a bullet, OP. I do think your attitude could use some adjusting though. Like someone else says, you can be creative with the first meet and greet, that way it is still casual, but without the obvious "I'm hedging my bets" vibe. "How about I grab a pizza, and we can go....(fill in the blank)" What's a pizza gonna set you back? $10? And if things don't work out...you still have half a pizza for breakfast in the morning. Or maybe a pool hall. Some drinks and maybe an appetizer or two. Easy. Even a sports bar, where you can have dinner, but still have sort of a buffer going on around you with all the games, so that it doesn't seem like a fancy sort of thing. "Here's your two choices: X or Y" has sort of a tacky finality to it that would probably put me off, even if they were places I enjoy. And, if I got the impression that a guy was taking me on some sort of "test date" much less if he came right out and said, "I'm waiting to see if we click before I decide if you are worth an actual dinner date," which is essentially what you are saying/doing, I would be SO done. It's all about presenting it in a kinder way: more "Hey, let's keep things casual and see how things go" less "I want to put forth the least effort possible, because I just don't know if you are worth an actual date. Here are your options." The place that we were going to served pizza and sandwiches and salads
Art_Critic Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 "I guess I will choose cosi since u r not taking me to a real restaurant"It doesn't matter what you think at this point as she has already made her decision on you, it won't go any further.. It sounds like you are both just not on the same page.. timing sometimes can be everything and she sounds pretty rude... next.....
Author WP4046 Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 It doesn't matter what you think at this point as she has already made her decision on you, it won't go any further.. It sounds like you are both just not on the same page.. timing sometimes can be everything and she sounds pretty rude... next..... That's all you see on POF in the date idea section in a women's profile "DINNER!!!! I be like.........Hungry Betches LOL
NYSean Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 That's all you see on POF in the date idea section in a women's profile "DINNER!!!! I be like.........Hungry Betches LOL Actually, I would've just told her "OK you want to go to a real restaurant? You pick and you pay for both our meals. I made the decision so you can either pick Starbucks or Cosi or go freeload off of another sucker" To GEORGECOSTANZA...there's more TOOL to you than Home Depot bro.
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 My first date with my boyfriend was at a coffee shop on a Saturday night. It cost a whole $2 lol. I did not care that it was saturday. I did not care that it was a coffee shop (I actually adore that lil coffee shop, used to go there a lot in high school). I did not care that he only spent $2 (I was expecting to buy my own drink, he refused to let me and I was very appreciative of his gesture). We had a wonderful time, clicked, and have been together ever since. IDK why there are people trying to insist that a scenario like the one above is bad form for a date or unimpressive. I was thrilled with it. Agreed... not sure why some men are happy to settle with the women that need money spent to have a good time when there are PLENTY who are happy with a couple of coffees and appreciate their coffee being paid for because they didn't go with the presumption that they were going to get everything paid for. I don't have a single female friend that would be put off by meeting for 'drinks' on a first date or coffee. I've been on the dating scene a few months since my last breakup and had so many dinner dates, and bizarrely they get kinda exhausting and samey. You get dressed up, go to a restaurant, sit and talk about yourselves and your lives etc. etc. and I didn't end up feeling enough of a spark with any of them to want to bother seeing them again. If the company is good and you really click it's irrelevant whether you're going for coffee or an expensive meal. You're just delighted to be in one another's company and hardly notice what else you're doing simultaneously.
Poppygoodwill Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 The text came across as rude. She might have been trying for humour. A simple phone chat would have cleared it up quickly. A coffee place for a meet and greet is perfect, or a bar for a drink. I agree that a fast food type of restaurant sends a mixed signal, namely: we're goign to eat, but it's not a *real* dinner. On a Friday night after work, doubly so. Even given that, her text came across as unecessarily rude. What happened?
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