Kalee35 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Yes, mine went through that quite a bit in the beginning as well as I and he would always end up coming back the next day or within a couple days saying he couldn't stay away from me.
woinlove Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 How invested am I? That's a good question, one I have been thinking about all day. I don't want to let him go. Sounds like you want to have an affair. But I know that I probably have to. Right now I do. He's panicking right now, and all I can do is give him space. He is literally terrified to be in the same room with me right now, even in a public place where obviously nothing could happen. If he's gone now, then there is nothing I can do about it. I understand that right now you don't see a way to continue an affair with given how he is acting. But if I'm completely honest, if he comes back to me, then yes, I still want him and I want this. That's a clear statement of what you want. You want to continue the affair with him. I feel like I need to tell him I'm sorry, that I will respect his wishes and his boundaries from now on. I think your desire to have an affair with him is likely to interfere with you respecting his boundaries. You would have to decide you enough care about his guilt and what it signifies, that he cares about his wife and does not want to betray her, to purposely choose not to have an affair and make that your desire. From what you write, it doesn't seem like you are there yet. 1
Author littlemermaid Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 Sounds like you want to have an affair. I understand that right now you don't see a way to continue an affair with given how he is acting. That's a clear statement of what you want. You want to continue the affair with him. I think your desire to have an affair with him is likely to interfere with you respecting his boundaries. You would have to decide you enough care about his guilt and what it signifies, that he cares about his wife and does not want to betray her, to purposely choose not to have an affair and make that your desire. From what you write, it doesn't seem like you are there yet. Thanks for saying this, it's true, and it just helps me to remember that I need to stay away from him. Honestly, in some ways I'm angry at him too. He did this, he opened this up and now he wants to close it again, just that quick. and he has every right to do that, I KNOW that of COURSE he does--but I just wish he never opened up this box. Now he feels like he can't be around me, I can't be around one of my best friends (his wife!), not to mention the guilt I also feel about my own marriage, which I haven't gone into here because that's not the topic of this thread. He opened up a Pandora's box for nothing, and it makes me mad at him, and it makes me cry. Why did he do this?
woinlove Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Thanks for saying this, it's true, and it just helps me to remember that I need to stay away from him. Honestly, in some ways I'm angry at him too. He did this, he opened this up and now he wants to close it again, just that quick. and he has every right to do that, I KNOW that of COURSE he does--but I just wish he never opened up this box. Now he feels like he can't be around me, I can't be around one of my best friends (his wife!), not to mention the guilt I also feel about my own marriage, which I haven't gone into here because that's not the topic of this thread. He opened up a Pandora's box for nothing, and it makes me mad at him, and it makes me cry. Why did he do this? I'm glad you see the truth because I can see you also know it is not right to deceive your spouse and friend and to encourage MOM to deceive too. Under those circumstances, many self-delude themselves into thinking they have no choice and the affair just happens to them. Best to try to keep a clear head as much as possible - and it's not easy because sexual attraction involves a compelling mix of biology and chemicals. It's okay to be mad at him. He certainly hasn't behaved well. It's a messy situation being good friends with his wife. Why did he do it? Probably because he gave in to that mix of biology and chemicals because it is exciting and enticing, but then his brain kicked in and he couldn't keep the reality of the whole situation at bay anymore, so he pulled back. He may still waver some more depending on how much self-control and maturity he has. The tricky question I see for you is if you do decide not to go down the path of a continuing affair (in which case you are most likely heading to some kind of big blowup one way or another down the road) what can you do to best salvage the situation, given that you have a friendship or two involved, plus a marriage. Most people don't manage going back to friends. And I haven't heard of ANY that did that immediately - turning from AP to friends without a break. So, I think MOM has the right idea with trying to avoid you right now. I realize that is a messy outcome and the future of your friendships are uncertain.
Appreciate Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Thanks for saying this, it's true, and it just helps me to remember that I need to stay away from him. Honestly, in some ways I'm angry at him too. He did this, he opened this up and now he wants to close it again, just that quick. and he has every right to do that, I KNOW that of COURSE he does--but I just wish he never opened up this box. Now he feels like he can't be around me, I can't be around one of my best friends (his wife!), not to mention the guilt I also feel about my own marriage, which I haven't gone into here because that's not the topic of this thread. He opened up a Pandora's box for nothing, and it makes me mad at him, and it makes me cry. Why did he do this? Because you let him. Because you didn't say no. Stop blaming him. You control your own life, not him.
Author littlemermaid Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 (edited) I'm glad you see the truth because I can see you also know it is not right to deceive your spouse and friend and to encourage MOM to deceive too. Under those circumstances, many self-delude themselves into thinking they have no choice and the affair just happens to them. Best to try to keep a clear head as much as possible - and it's not easy because sexual attraction involves a compelling mix of biology and chemicals. It's okay to be mad at him. He certainly hasn't behaved well. It's a messy situation being good friends with his wife. Why did he do it? Probably because he gave in to that mix of biology and chemicals because it is exciting and enticing, but then his brain kicked in and he couldn't keep the reality of the whole situation at bay anymore, so he pulled back. He may still waver some more depending on how much self-control and maturity he has. The tricky question I see for you is if you do decide not to go down the path of a continuing affair (in which case you are most likely heading to some kind of big blowup one way or another down the road) what can you do to best salvage the situation, given that you have a friendship or two involved, plus a marriage. Most people don't manage going back to friends. And I haven't heard of ANY that did that immediately - turning from AP to friends without a break. So, I think MOM has the right idea with trying to avoid you right now. I realize that is a messy outcome and the future of your friendships are uncertain. Today I keep coming back to one thing: If I tell. If I tell my H, this will be over. If I tell, MOM will hate me and it will be over. What keeps me from telling, is that I don't want to destroy MOM's life. But if I tell it will be over. I keep reading everywhere on this site that the BS's deserve to know. and I know that if he comes back to me, I want to be with him so much, that I will continue down this road. but if I tell he won't come back to me. and it ends here. Edited January 31, 2014 by littlemermaid
underwater2010 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 You obviously know he is married. He is feeling guilty because he KNOWS what he is doing is wrong. Leave him alone. If he wanted to leave her, he wouldn't be feeling this way. Find another MM without less morals.
Berkley Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 (edited) Today I keep coming back to one thing: If I tell. If I tell my H, this will be over. If I tell, MOM will hate me and it will be over. What keeps me from telling, is that I don't want to destroy MOM's life. But if I tell it will be over. I keep reading everywhere on this site that the BS's deserve to know. and I know that if he comes back to me, I want to be with him so much, that I will continue down this road. but if I tell he won't come back to me. and it ends here. I am not in agreement with a lot of people that telling your spouse is always the right answer...but...I am most certainly an advocate that if you are unhappy in your marriage...get out. Life's too short to be miserable. If you don't want to be with your H...then leave. If you want to be with another man instead...then leave. Figure your life out. Staying in a lie with your H because you don't know if MM will want you and you don't want to end up alone...wrong on so many levels. As for your original question....MM felt overwhelming guilt every time we got close ( we never slept together ). That guilt would turn him into a complete jerk. But, he would start things up again and again...always with the same fallout - this went on for three years. Edited January 31, 2014 by Berkley
woinlove Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Today I keep coming back to one thing: If I tell. If I tell my H, this will be over. If I tell, MOM will hate me and it will be over. What keeps me from telling, is that I don't want to destroy MOM's life. But if I tell it will be over. I keep reading everywhere on this site that the BS's deserve to know. and I know that if he comes back to me, I want to be with him so much, that I will continue down this road. but if I tell he won't come back to me. and it ends here. There's another current thread discussing telling or not, in that case, stimulating by lingering guilt. If you read my response, I lean toward telling because of how I would want to be treated, because I really do not want to live with ongoing deception - either as the deceiver or the deceived. But I use some caution in advising others, because only the people living it know their own situation. In your situation, it is difficult to see how you all get back to being ordinary friends. That's the case whether you tell or not, but, as you suggest, if you don't tell, you could very well end up continuing the affair and then there is a high risk that things really blow up with some discovery. Difficult either way. Maybe start a thread looking for input on pros/cons of telling, if you are considering that possibility.
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