Babolat Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I was recently put into this position. I always said I would not, because I do not want money/finances to be "a part" of a dating relationship (where there are no shared bills/expenses, not living together, etc). Just dating, living in seperate places, paying your own bills, etc. She made a poor choice with her money, which led to more poor choices, which led to her asking me for money. She was crying the entire time she was asking, I could tell it was difficutl for her to do and she did not want to.
PegNosePete Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 No. I might give her money if the situation were appropriate but never a loan. 9
soccerrprp Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 It all depends upon how long we've been dating and how much, but my policy has been not to with someone I'm dating early on. Terrible, terrible sign when someone you're dating is asking for money and that speaks to other compatibility issues that cannot be ignored for me. If I did, I would certainly expect repayment in kind, not a gift. And specifics as to when...tricky.
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 No. If you decide to do it, it you have it to give, then simply give it to her, don't loan it. Loaning loved ones money is always a bad idea, because the expectation of getting it back has a high chance of falling through. It leads to resentment on both sides and can cause a riff in the relationship. If you do not have it to give without an expectation of her paying it back, then don't do it. 2
myothernic2 Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I was recently put into this position. I always said I would not, because I do not want money/finances to be "a part" of a dating relationship (where there are no shared bills/expenses, not living together, etc). Just dating, living in seperate places, paying your own bills, etc. She made a poor choice with her money, which led to more poor choices, which led to her asking me for money. She was crying the entire time she was asking, I could tell it was difficutl for her to do and she did not want to. So did you give it to her?
d0nnivain Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I might give it & accept the promise of repayment but when I gave it, I would assume I was never getting it back. If you can't give the money outright, don't give it at all because it will be a cancer on your relationship if you are always looking at her poor money decisions while she's not paying you back. 2
carhill Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Would you loan your dating partner money? Sure, with a properly executed note and assignment of collateral. Otherwise, it's a 'gift'.
Author Babolat Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 I agree with everyone on the "gift", and I have done this with family members. I seem to be the one everyone in the family comes to, for money. When they ask for money, what I will usually do is give them half, let them offer to pay it back (I don't ask) , and when they will (I don't ask or set a date), and I do not respond, just say something like "Ok" when they do. In all cases they never paid me back and I went into it knowing that. Regarding her, yes, I gave her the money after she explained why she needed it, no other questions asked as I could tell she was in a bad place. After I gave it to her, she said she will pay me back X amount each month for X # of months. I did not reply. Now, I feel strange, because she will be put in a place some months where she will have to make a decsion "Pay Babolot, pay the storage bill, pay the electricuty bill, pay the cable bill, etc). That just feels off to me. She thought she was going to have a new job by now, one paying twice her current income, so she assumed the money would be there. The job offer was rescinded as they decided to not fill the position. As I explained to her, you cannot spend money you don't even have yet. I was telling her this while she was negotiating the offer. I could tell, at least in her head, she was spending money she had not even earned yet. She gets it, I left it at that. She has had a life of poor financial decisions, and I am having some remorse for giving her the money now; like she will never learn if the money is always there "somehow". Plus, we are kind of day to day at this point in are we are with dating or not, so I'm sure that is weighing into the remorse feeling. Most of my remorse is feeling like she needs to learn a lesson here; but I could not sit back and watch her fall down, especially with a daughter.
carhill Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 It struck me as odd just now how we process differing relationships differently. You initially felt positive about 'helping', even in light of her apparent poor financial decisions, though apparently now feel some remorse over that decision. I recall, post-D, my best friend coming to me with the offer of 'help' and I was quite assertive about getting with my lawyer to excecute a proper note and assignment of collateral but he would have none of it, saying (his words) 'I like to invest in success'. That investment, far beyond the money which friends normally 'lend' each other, has paid off handsomely and, surely, some day, I'll 'get him back' That's the difference IMO between how men view other men and how we men tend to view women if we have the mindset that we want to 'save' women from their own poor decisions. I was guilty of that as a young man but experience taught a lot of harsh lessons. Another guy who's a spendthrift? He can eat out of the garbage can. Interesting.
lop98 Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I would loan money (if I have it and if the amount does not affect me considerably) to anyone that comes in tears asking for it and that I believe is being genuine and is truly having a difficult time. This attitude of "I won't give her money, she needs to learn what life is like when you make stupid financial choices" is abhorrent, especially if it's someone you're casual about and can't tell with certainty exactly how her life has been and what's the lifelong story behind her series of poor choices, and don't get me started on playing bank, loaning different amounts in different days and expecting payment before some invisible deadline before they fall from grace, like you're going to train them on how to be amazing cash handlers like you are. It doesn't mean I will create a dynamic where I expect someone to come in tears before the end of every quater and I hand out money like a fool, but sometimes you just give something useless but necessary like money is to people you care about, be it someone from work you've had a few chats with but know is a good person and is in need, a friend, you mom or someone you fck with. Maybe I have a more relaxed attitude about money but since I've been through need myself and having steadily good finances is for the most part not based on how smart or stupid you are but social conditioning, I just hand money to people that need it and that I trust... sometimes they pay, sometimes they don't, sometimes I see they're still struggling despite working hard so why would I expect my money back when it hasn't affected me at all and I was fortunate enough to be able to help them?... I even offer them more if it's in my possibilities. I'd seriously start questioning things a little if I was going through a difficult time and after grabbing all my courage to ask someone I trust for something that makes me uncomfortable but that I need immediately, I was met with some "hmm".
Author Babolat Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 I would loan money (if I have it and if the amount does not affect me considerably) to anyone that comes in tears asking for it and that I believe is being genuine and is truly having a difficult time. This attitude of "I won't give her money, she needs to learn what life is like when you make stupid financial choices" is abhorrent, especially if it's someone you're casual about and can't tell with certainty exactly how her life has been and what's the lifelong story behind her series of poor choices, and don't get me started on playing bank, loaning different amounts in different days and expecting payment before some invisible deadline before they fall from grace, like you're going to train them on how to be amazing cash handlers like you are. It doesn't mean I will create a dynamic where I expect someone to come in tears before the end of every quater and I hand out money like a fool, but sometimes you just give something useless but necessary like money is to people you care about, be it someone from work you've had a few chats with but know is a good person and is in need, a friend, you mom or someone you fck with. Maybe I have a more relaxed attitude about money but since I've been through need myself and having steadily good finances is for the most part not based on how smart or stupid you are but social conditioning, I just hand money to people that need it and that I trust... sometimes they pay, sometimes they don't, sometimes I see they're still struggling despite working hard so why would I expect my money back when it hasn't affected me at all and I was fortunate enough to be able to help them?... I even offer them more if it's in my possibilities. I'd seriously start questioning things a little if I was going through a difficult time and after grabbing all my courage to ask someone I trust for something that makes me uncomfortable but that I need immediately, I was met with some "hmm". I get your points. There is a lot more "there" than the words in this thread. I did not hesitate to give her the money, and I never saw it as a loan. It took her a very long time to even tell me how much she needed after telling me she needed help. We were in the middle of an "us" talk, when she got a call, we talked about "us" some more, than she told me that the call was why she needed money. And, after giving her the money, and on her way out the door, she said she would pay me back month by month. I did not ask, and I did not reply. Honestly, if she does start to pay me back, I will probably let her make a couple of "payments" then ask her to stop and/or give the money back to her. We are in talks about dating again, tried for a little bit, took a break, in talks again, which is where we are now. One of my issues with her since day one was poor finance decisions, spending money she did not have, and I told her about 2 weeks ago how happy I was money was never a part of our relationship. She responded then stating she would never ask me for money. And, part of her "sale" if you will when she asked me to try dating again, with us, was that she was in a much better financial place then when we dated prior. Turns out she was not, it was all dependent on getting this job, which I was starting to figure out over the past 2-3 weeks. So, I feel like she mislead me kind of. Different comparision, my brothers daughter is 30, never held a job, in and out of jail past 2 years, does drugs, always ends up in the wrong crowds and recently almost died from an overdoes. Someone alwasy picks her up financially and takes care of her. Her mom took out a 2nd mortgage on her house to help her out. She lives with my brother now, her father, and he pays all of her bills, all of them, and now, he is broke. At some point, IMHO, he has to stop, and let her hit rock bottom if you wiil, and, figure it out. That's just me I guess. Easier said, then done I know.
pickflicker Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Depends on how long I've been dating them, but with anyone not related to me by blood, I would lend $100, and no more. That way, if they bugger off with the hundred, I can live with that. 1
Author Babolat Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 when she got a call The call was from a pay day lender, the loan was due the next day. So I did not have time to think about what to do. I asked her what would happen if she did not pay it off the next day, she told me, so I gave her the money.
Imported Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 If it's just a couple hundred, whatever. Once. If it's enough that they are thinking to make monthly payments back to me..........hhhhmmmmm, not so sure of that. Whatever it is your girl bought with money she doesn't have, maybe she should return or sell it. Seems pretty stupid to put herself in that position and straight up irresponsible since she has a kid. Hopefully it was something she actually needed for family reasons or worthy in some way and not just frivolous spending for a new shiny object.
carhill Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 When people want to borrow money, I offer them a job. Problem solved. Few takers and I pay pretty well, though the work is hard. Last one was pouring concrete. I recall when my exW's BF was out of work I offered him a piecework masonry job. 500 bucks to cut about 200' of stucco. She turned me down. I had it cut in under 2 hours. He's a mason and could've done better. Ha! In my industry there's a maxim that I live and die by: 'Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part'. People who are poor planners die. That's life. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I think this is not a good idea for you, given your admitted compulsion to save women with problems and be the hero. I wouldn't make a habit out of it. And I'm surprised you changed your mind about breaking up with her. I understand the pull very well, but you seem to be keeping yourself in an anxious limbo in this sort-of relationship. 1
Author Babolat Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 Whatever it is your girl bought with money she doesn't have, maybe she should return or sell it. Seems pretty stupid to put herself in that position and straight up irresponsible since she has a kid. Hopefully it was something she actually needed for family reasons or worthy in some way and not just frivolous spending for a new shiny object. She did not buy anything. She was coming off a salary plus commision, to just comission, from what was going to be her old job, now it's still her current job. She never worked out the details of how she would get paid on just comission at the old job (she assumed she would not be there so to her it did not matter), as the new job was a higher salary out of the gate and she assumed she would be making more money. So, she took out a pay day loan to "cover" the time between the old job, and the new one where she would not have her monthly salary.
FitChick Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 If she can't pay you back, is there something she owns of equal value she could give you?
Author Babolat Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 When people want to borrow money, I offer them a job. Problem solved. Few takers and I pay pretty well, though the work is hard. Last one was pouring concrete. I recall when my exW's BF was out of work I offered him a piecework masonry job. 500 bucks to cut about 200' of stucco. She turned me down. I had it cut in under 2 hours. He's a mason and could've done better. Ha! In my industry there's a maxim that I live and die by: 'Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part'. People who are poor planners die. That's life. I use to do this with my nephews when they were in high school. Pay them to help me work on my house, my yard, etc. Too bad they are in their 20s now with real jobs!
Author Babolat Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 I think this is not a good idea for you, given your admitted compulsion to save women with problems and be the hero. I wouldn't make a habit out of it. I agree, 100%. In fact, I started re-reading Codependency No More this week, big smack in my face! I think this is why I am feeling remorse. And I'm surprised you changed your mind about breaking up with her. I understand the pull very well, but you seem to be keeping yourself in an anxious limbo in this sort-of relationship. I did not change my mind. She asked if she could come over Friday night to talk. Midway through talking is when she got this phone call.
Author Babolat Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 If she can't pay you back, is there something she owns of equal value she could give you? No, nothing I desire.
alphamale Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I was recently put into this position. I always said I would not, because I do not want money/finances to be "a part" of a dating relationship (where there are no shared bills/expenses, not living together, etc). Just dating, living in seperate places, paying your own bills, etc. She made a poor choice with her money, which led to more poor choices, which led to her asking me for money. She was crying the entire time she was asking, I could tell it was difficutl for her to do and she did not want to. for god's sake don't give her a penny....if you do then it'll become a dollar then ten then twenty then 500 then 1500
hasaquestion Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 No, nothing I desire. The whole thing is dumb. There's an entire industry that specializes in loaning people money. That's not your job and for her to impose that upon you is rude. 1
Conners Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I was going to loan my ex boyfriend $1100 to get his car out of impound. This was before we broke up. I knew he would pay me back but now I am not with him, I think I was crazy for considering it. The only reason I was going to lend it to him is because he is an apprentice and I earn double what he does at the moment.
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