Are these signs of a cheating wife or a tripping husband?

February 1, 2014

Wow, I mean this in the most helpful way possible, but your posts are exhausting. I don't believe that she is cheating on you, I do believe that it sounds like she has been in such a difficult and trying marriage for so long, that emotionally she may have checked out. Probably as a defense mechanism to your gambling, sense of entitlement, emotional and borderline physical abuse. It's not ok to hold someone by the arms to make them listen to you. I think the sudden change in appearance is more about her starting to care about herself again after all the stress she has gone through with you.

The fact that you have mentioned several times how much better you view yourself to her in a few pages of posts absolutely amazes me. The fact that you have felt the need to mention this repeatedly to complete strangers leads me to believe you made sure that she knew very well this is how you saw things. You need to get to an IC right away. Please take a step back for both your sakes , asses what you need to fix you..and then work on that. Then continue to work on that. I honestly don't know if there is any hope for you two in the future, but I think you have a lot of work to do on you before you are a suitable partner for anyone. Put yourself in your wife's shoes, how would you feel if she did to you all the things you've done to her? Really think about that.. Oh and stay away from the girls at the gym, anyone can get phone numbers. But only a healthy person can have and keep a relationship. Good luck

February 1, 2014

I have started working out again after a few months. I need to work out my brain to and will go to the self improvement forum asap.

Thank you all

February 1, 2014

OK I understand your point and agree up to a point but I think you are being naive. If the Police, FBI and CIA look through the garbage then little old me might do the same if I am mourning the end of a 14 year marriage.

Police, FBI and CIA are searching for clues to understand a murder they have not clue about. You have your ex wife right there and you have to start communicating with her rather than counting her hair in the garbage. Talk to her and have a calm conversation about what will happen from now on, what yours and hers plans are, how you will work things out, what you will tell the kids etc. It seems that you want to avoid the elephant in the room which is your future divorce and you deal with finding incriminating evidence of her possible cheating. I don't think her possible cheating is what should concern you at the moment, but instead trying to fix your personal issues, visiting a counselor and trying to understand why you act like this and why your marriage is where it is today.

February 1, 2014

Wow, I mean this in the most helpful way possible, but your posts are exhausting. I don't believe that she is cheating on you, I do believe that it sounds like she has been in such a difficult and trying marriage for so long, that emotionally she may have checked out. Probably as a defense mechanism to your gambling, sense of entitlement, emotional and borderline physical abuse. It's not ok to hold someone by the arms to make them listen to you. I think the sudden change in appearance is more about her starting to care about herself again after all the stress she has gone through with you.

The fact that you have mentioned several times how much better you view yourself to her in a few pages of posts absolutely amazes me. The fact that you have felt the need to mention this repeatedly to complete strangers leads me to believe you made sure that she knew very well this is how you saw things. You need to get to an IC right away. Please take a step back for both your sakes , asses what you need to fix you..and then work on that. Then continue to work on that. I honestly don't know if there is any hope for you two in the future, but I think you have a lot of work to do on you before you are a suitable partner for anyone. Put yourself in your wife's shoes, how would you feel if she did to you all the things you've done to her? Really think about that.. Oh and stay away from the girls at the gym, anyone can get phone numbers. But only a healthy person can have and keep a relationship. Good luck

Actually Hope what you are saying about me mentioning I am better than her is complete BS. I said she is from the ghetto. It is a fact not a sense of me being better. You have got it completely wrong. I have found a letter SHe wrote to a church saying I was very rich , 6 years back. So I dint understand your point. Also she has refused to kiss much , affection etc . Is that not abuse?

I am not anti ghetto and if she was pro ghetto she would of married somone from the ghetto so its seems she discriminates mire than me and you might be from the ghetto or originally and you have taken my words the wrong way

Plus where is the sense of entitlement? You mean entitlement to her love?

I can also tell you that her life in the ghetto in a stable non crime practising family was far easier on the mind than mine.

I have had IC before and one told me with what I have been through its a surprise I haven't had a complete breakdown. I have had hell between my wife and my family have constantly defended her from every accusation under the sun and underneath it all truley love her and do agree with orher things you have said.

I appreciate you taking the time to write and realise it is to make her life easier because you may relate to her more. Hope, Come to think of it I might in the heat of an argument when she has said a hurtful thing about me I might of said " its better than being in the ghetto". So you are right in a way. But undestand my head is cliuded I was even thinking ifcending it when she tokd me . I couldnt because I thought of the children and I never will I am nit weak!

Edited February 1, 2014 by forza

February 1, 2014

Police, FBI and CIA are searching for clues to understand a murder they have not clue about. You have your ex wife right there and you have to start communicating with her rather than counting her hair in the garbage. Talk to her and have a calm conversation about what will happen from now on, what yours and hers plans are, how you will work things out, what you will tell the kids etc. It seems that you want to avoid the elephant in the room which is your future divorce and you deal with finding incriminating evidence of her possible cheating. I don't think her possible cheating is what should concern you at the moment, but instead trying to fix your personal issues, visiting a counselor and trying to understand why you act like this and why your marriage is where it is today.

none of those LE organisations would have any juristriction and would no way be interested . Now you are tripping! CIA carried out or aided and abetted many assassinations in the past including the great Patrice Lumbumba and installed their go man Mobutu Sese in his place. And they are not known to investigate murders. But I never said murdered. Could of medical negligence etc. or a road accident . I am not American and dont live in America. They can investigate all they want and find a law abuding person who had to much to drink because he is shocked terrified of losing his wife and kids.

Everything else you say is very wise and Is what I have to do and am trying to do. I realise you are trying to help and are doing I appreciate it . I have not had any sleep at all and really need some pills to calm me down as well as IC. Thankyou very much for your kind words.

February 1, 2014

Honestly you seem ALL over the place, have you been tested for mental illness before? You seem extremely manic. I think you need to deal with one thing at a time, your issues being the most important. If your not willing to put in the work to change yourself, how can you expect your partner to? Fortunately I was born and raised in a pretty nice place. Not what you'd refer to as "ghetto." I'm thankful for the opportunities I've been given. Also, I make sure not to frown on others just because they may have grown up in less than desirable circumstances. You just come across as very judgmental, just something to think about.

I think you need to continue to see an IC, as you've stated you've been through some extremely traumatizing situations and I think they are clouding your ability to think more rationally. I hope instead of jumping to conclusions you sit your wife down calmly and voice every concern you have. If she isn't receptive and continues to insist it's over, then you will have to start taking steps to dissolve the marriage. You both deserve to be happy, even of it's not with each other. Also not matter what you will have to co-parent for a long time together. I think the healthier you are able to become, the easier life will be for you. Good luck

February 1, 2014

Have you seen a medical doctor at all lately? I'm concerned that you haven't been sleeping and you sound extremely agitated. Please see a doctor ASAP. Is there anyone in your life that you're using as a support system? I think you need someone to lean on in real life, not just the message boards. I really hope you are able to find some peace in your life and head. If you feel you can't talk to your wife, right everything down in a letter. Then give it to her and go for a walk. I hope things get a little better for you. Take care

February 1, 2014

Honestly you seem ALL over the place, have you been tested for mental illness before? You seem extremely manic. I think you need to deal with one thing at a time, your issues being the most important. If your not willing to put in the work to change yourself, how can you expect your partner to? Fortunately I was born and raised in a pretty nice place. Not what you'd refer to as "ghetto." I'm thankful for the opportunities I've been given. Also, I make sure not to frown on others just because they may have grown up in less than desirable circumstances. You just come across as very judgmental, just something to think about.

I think you need to continue to see an IC, as you've stated you've been through some extremely traumatizing situations and I think they are clouding your ability to think more rationally. I hope instead of jumping to conclusions you sit your wife down calmly and voice every concern you have. If she isn't receptive and continues to insist it's over, then you will have to start taking steps to dissolve the marriage. You both deserve to be happy, even of it's not with each other. Also not matter what you will have to co-parent for a long time together. I think the healthier you are able to become, the easier life will be for you. Good luck

Hi Hope I havnt been tested no but had some problems as a child due to stress and was diagnosed as withdrawn and emotionally disturbed and hyperactive. I have had many bad experiences but there are people who have had far worse. My head has also been affected by a serious physical ailment. I have not slept more than 3 hours in a month. I normally need 7. I am depressed, anxious, jealous I haven't been told by a doctor , angry, regretful of all I have done wrong in the marriage and the realisation that my wife hasn't loved me in years .

Another thing which my wife readily admits is if I could of sold my real estate in 2006 we would of been happy. I would of given her a portion etc to guard. We have mostly lived a not so high standard of life. When all crashed I became very

One more thing about her I believe i have to get off my chest . Several years She literally tried to force me to join her church. Only spoke of God. Said God literally spoke to her . Cut off sex, affection etc and it hurt. She heard his voice etc. I was completely cut off then but I stuck it out because of a dream if fucture happiness and the children . she Physically abused my mother but i forgave her as my mother was making false accusations and mentally torturing her.

I may be wrong but think Some of you are all equating HYPED or manic with BAD. She became fanatical, and thats before me and her had problems together. That was a because of a loss she had and her rejection by my immediate family.

And by the way she calls the ghetto the ghetto by its name. Maybe I should of said low income area. you here the words ' The Ghetto ' in tons of songs , movies etc and why us nobody writing to the producers screenwriters etc to remove it. Actually The Ghetto is a translation of the word in another language so you can all understand whether from the USA , Europe or Japan.

With regards to mental health I due to deal with it . I am also due to see a lawyer. I need rest badly , even sleeping pills not working. I hope I am not coming across manic , I have tried to slow down .havnt slept a minute. Thank you for your help and offering good luck.

Edited February 1, 2014 by forza
Thankyou

February 1, 2014

The question I have for you all is do you think I should LEAVE the house today. Would you in my circumstances?

February 1, 2014

I'd suggest you find someone to support you on this, a relative or a friend. You have to talk to a lawyer and then talk calmly to your wife about your thoughts. I'm sure she'll want to know how you will work things out with the kids etc, since she is working. Take it step by step, don't rush into anything cause you don't want to scare your kids and do things you will regret later.

February 1, 2014

I realise I might of offended some people with the word GHETTO. I did not mean it like that.

BUT SOME TRUTHS some of you must understand

The place her immediate family are from is an urban slum in S America which had hardly any robberies or muggings due to it being controlled by a drug gang with hundreds of members and access to everything from G3s to grenade launchers who according to newdpapers etc regually decapitated enemies or infringers and burnt the bodies. ccording to Wikipedia. Its not the US or Europe and I wont say more about the location but I will say she WANTED OUT badly and I lived there with her and loved and respected her family but wanted out to and made the mistake of involving with my negative family which was neccisary to enable me to have access to some real estate . If i had given it all up and stayed with her we would all be better offf

I was not snobbish, entitled etc even though I came from a different background and many People from her country from a higher economic class warned, begged me etc not to marry her but to send money and see my child etc.

I am really upset that ALOT of you cannot get this.

February 1, 2014

I'd suggest you find someone to support you on this, a relative or a friend. You have to talk to a lawyer and then talk calmly to your wife about your thoughts. I'm sure she'll want to know how you will work things out with the kids etc, since she is working. Take it step by step, don't rush into anything cause you don't want to scare your kids and do things you will regret later.

Thanks. I am trying .Close Relatives understand my problems and share them , more distant ones caused them. But I do need IC.

Are you in the UK by the way?

February 1, 2014

Thanks. I am trying .Close Relatives understand my problems and share them , more distant ones caused them. But I do need IC.

Are you in the UK by the way?

No I'm not in the UK (though I'm flattered you think my english is so good ). Try to find someone to support you and find a counselor to talk. You need guidance to proceed with this problem, this dead end you have reached, you can't do it yourself. It's ok to ask for help. Do it.

February 1, 2014

Forza, I don't think you should make any huge changes, such as leaving the house this very moment. Have you tried to sit your wife down calmly and list for her everything you're feeling and why? Is she willing to communicate with you her feelings? I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. It honestly sounds like it has been very trying for both of you. I'm glad you clarified things, it makes your situation more understandable. Has she seen a counselor at all? Is she willing to? It seems she has a lot of deep issues that need to b addressed as well. It's hard to work on repairing a marriage when each partner has many needs to address within themselves first.

I think the most important thing for you right now is sleep. I'm not equating manic with bad, what I mean is with your mind working a thousand miles a minute, you're not going to be able to properly handle anything. You need to try to slow yourself down. I think the lack of sleep compounded with everything else you're going thru right now is going to make you physically sick. What does she say when you bring up your feelings and or worries? Although I think turning to religion can be a good thing, it would unnerve me if my significant other told me the things she's told you. I would be worried about that as well..I hope you've managed to get some sleep. Take care of yourself

February 2, 2014

Forza, I don't think you should make any huge changes, such as leaving the house this very moment. Have you tried to sit your wife down calmly and list for her everything you're feeling and why? Is she willing to communicate with you her feelings? I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. It honestly sounds like it has been very trying for both of you. I'm glad you clarified things, it makes your situation more understandable. Has she seen a counselor at all? Is she willing to? It seems she has a lot of deep issues that need to b addressed as well. It's hard to work on repairing a marriage when each partner has many needs to address within themselves first.

I think the most important thing for you right now is sleep. I'm not equating manic with bad, what I mean is with your mind working a thousand miles a minute, you're not going to be able to properly handle anything. You need to try to slow yourself down. I think the lack of sleep compounded with everything else you're going thru right now is going to make you physically sick. What does she say when you bring up your feelings and or worries? Although I think turning to religion can be a good thing, it would unnerve me if my significant other told me the things she's told you. I would be worried about that as well..I hope you've managed to get some sleep. Take care of yourself

Thank you Hope, I slept 5 hours last night and will try to sleep more tonight. She told me today in a long email explaing everything, mostly my failing as a husband , provider etc and my immediate families treatment of her.

She also said in the beginning of the message that she is very offended that I suggest maybe she hasn't loved me for 10 years. This is significant because it suggest she hasn't loved me for one month. I need to ask her about this.

Thinking of it now she has spent countless nights crying or praying herself to sleep when things were difficult. I think her heart has hardened. She has suffered.

I made a mistake. After suggestions of mental illness I started researching and came across BPD and did an online test and found I have a severe case. I do not self harm or try to commit suicide etc so please do not worry. But the other things such as anger, fear of abandonment etc I have. I can control my emotions in most things but in the idea I am being abandoned no. Its been with me for years. I thank Brandon Marshall, the NFL player for making me not ashamed to pursue this. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't dare.

I am wondering is this why i wanted to find her cheating so i could abandon her and not the other way round.

February 3, 2014

Doctor thinks acute stress syndrome along with depression is more likely.

That Ce Lo Green song is my tune now. Forgot you, The unclean version.

I may reappear if there's any major development otherwise thanks to everyone for the advice and allowing me to vent etc.

Edited February 3, 2014 by forza

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