Are these signs of a cheating wife or a tripping husband?

[forza]

Things are bad with my wife of 14 years. Sleeping separately in same house , initiated by her. We have 3 kids. She says she doesn't love me anymore. I have been very difficult I will admit. Needy, wanting attention etc. Have lost a lot of money, was conned and isolated by family members years ago and have been depressed. And had some serious back problems etc. have a lot of heavy duty baggage from the past and have screwed our marriage with my irresponsible actions such as gambling addiction which I developed as a response to her coldness to me years ago. I am decent person who has become weak. I hate myself for it. She wants separation but says I can stay till I get going. She says she doesnt want a penny from me or a divorce. Shes not sure and hasn't had time to go into it. I have had insomnia , stress, worry and wish i could react better.

 

I am concerned she is seeing someone else. She works full time and has the time. I am currently looking after the kids till I can sell a property I developed.

 

I found 2 12 inch thin silky white ribbons, one in the bathroom waste basket, the other next to it on the floor. I found them in this morning after her shower. She was dressed in the same clothes as usual nothing new. She also sleeps with her handbag right next to her or close by and within view. I asked her if she is seeing someone a week ago, she exploded at me. Saying " Do you think I have to be seeing somone to want out of this marriage". And "I don't want any man" with disgust empathized on the word man.

 

What could these ribbons belong to? I am thinking lingerie. Are there any other things? Hope you can help.

 

 

The other thing was a ball of hair from her privates. I had noticed her razor had a few stuck in it so I checked the waste basket in the bathroom , wearing a glove and found the pubes wrapped in paper at the bottom. The wb had been empty in the morning.

 

Do I have reason to be suspicious?

Edited January 29, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge and consolidate content

[forza]

One more suspicious thing. I noticed yesterday that her razor was clean. Its next to mine. something made me look at it just now. Its no longer clean. Intimate area hairs.

 

Put rubber bath cleaning glove on and went through bathroom waste paper basket. Found half a golf ball of pubes wrapped in wet wipes. Can only be hers excuse the pun.

 

Oh and 2 days ago she said she had her period coming. Its normally varies a little. She 40 and on birth control.

 

More suspicious now?

 

Is it time for real snooping? I am willing to let her go, I want to work on myself and get stronger for the sake of my kids and mine and hers but I want to know what I am up against and don't like feeling I am being suckered.

[soccerrprp]

Why are you concerned about her "cheating?" You two are separated w/ no meaningful relationship. Anyway, I don't know about the ribbons, but her shaving her pubic hair is significant. You don't do that unless you are planning for an encounter or anticipation that someone will be visiting that area. Just my opinion.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Yes, a little bit. It raises questions.

 

The whole in-house separation always seems strange to me. Why did you decide to live that way?

[Anne Boleyn]

Back story

We are separated but living in the same house with 3 kids. She works full time , I am at home looking after the kids half the time , till I can sell a property I built. She was the one who wanted separation, no sex, affection, texts etc for months bar one today asking how I am ?

 

Well, if you're separated and eventually moving out, that'd imply to me that unless you specifically said nobody should be dating, she's not necessarily cheating, just doing what separated people do.

 

I found 2 things in the bathroom that I am suspicious of.

 

2 silky thin white 12 inch ribbons. One on the floor next to the waste basket. The other in the waste basket. Could just see it . I immediately thought lingerie because I found it right after her shower. She dresses in the bathroom . She wasn't wearing anything new.

 

2 silky white ribbons could be wrapping for what? No paper or anything.

 

Sounds like the ribbons on fragile-to-hang clothing or cloth with stretch, possibly a dress. I cut them all the time, sometimes after I've owned the clothes for awhile, simply because they are making me nuts. Generally, unless she's wearing a full on slip/neglige, underwear wouldn't have such strips, or if they did, you wouldn't throw them away.

 

The other thing was a ball of hair from her privates. I had noticed her razor had a few stuck in it so I checked the waste basket in the bathroom , wearing a glove and found the pubes wrapped in paper at the bottom. The wb had been empty in the morning.

 

Freaking weird. Seriously. I mean... Wow. I'm not even sure what to say, only that if your level of investigation into your wife's activities includes you rooting through the garbage to find if she's shaved her lady regions, that you need to move out. There's something super, duper unhealthy going on here... I mean... Why are you rooting through the garbage after your wife is in it? What are you thinking you'd find? Besides what you found today. I mean... Geez... Just... No.

 

And for the record, nothing here points to affair. It points to maintaining clothing and personal hygiene.

 

Do I have reason to be suspicious? I posted a similar question in the Seperation section but didn't get a reply .

 

No, you have reason to think that you need to work on your boundaries... This is not normal or OK.

[forza]

Why are you concerned about her "cheating?" You two are separated w/ no meaningful relationship. Anyway, I don't know about the ribbons, but her shaving her pubic hair is significant. You don't do that unless you are planning for an encounter or anticipation that someone will be visiting that area. Just my opinion.

 

Thanks for the reply. She used to wax when we were close. And grow when we weren't. Unfortunately its been a volatile relationship, most of it my fault. Maybe shes decided to make up and cleaned up .

 

The ribbons? I don't want to confront her as I don't want her to hide evidence.

[bubbaganoosh]

The ribbons are nothing to worry about. If it was, you can bet the house you wouldn't have found them. As far as the shaving thing, maybe she needed a shave.

 

What I don't understand is how you could be living under the same roof if your not "together" any longer.

 

Do you two have any kind of agreement about seeing other people?

[forza]

Hello,

 

I know this must be a difficult time for you and your family. I believe you may be looking for signs that your wife is cheating, that are probably not there. First of all, you two are seperated, right? Although technically not divorced, you two are deciding on ending the relationship. Many might consider that grounds for fare game when it comes to partners. I don't think that, but some do. The silk ribbons could be from a gift, or perhaps something else. Did she buy new sheets or pillow casings? I have seen them held together at stores with long white silky ribbons. She is shaving her nither reigions now? Maybe she just likes feeling clean. Most women these days shave regardless of their marital status. Has any of her other behaviour changed? Has she started calling people late at night? Is she trying to sneak off and dump the kids on you more often? Does she seem happier for no reason? Is she hiding stuff? Now those are signs you need to watch out for. For now, just take it day by day.

 

Good luck,

 

Kodiak

 

Thanks Kodiak for the genuine moral support.

Yes there are other signs. She got very angry when I asked her if she had someone else when we separated a month ago. Thanks

 

And she sleeps with her handbag right next to her. She takes her phone into the bathroom nearly every time she goes in.

 

She asked me how I was in a text for the first time since we separated. Guilty feeling maybe?

[forza]

Well, if you're separated and eventually moving out, that'd imply to me that unless you specifically said nobody should be dating, she's not necessarily cheating, just doing what separated people do.

 

 

 

 

Sounds like the ribbons on fragile-to-hang clothing or cloth with stretch, possibly a dress. I cut them all the time, sometimes after I've owned the clothes for awhile, simply because they are making me nuts. Generally, unless she's wearing a full on slip/neglige, underwear wouldn't have such strips, or if they did, you wouldn't throw them away.

 

 

 

Freaking weird. Seriously. I mean... Wow. I'm not even sure what to say, only that if your level of investigation into your wife's activities includes you rooting through the garbage to find if she's shaved her lady regions, that you need to move out. There's something super, duper unhealthy going on here... I mean... Why are you rooting through the garbage after your wife is in it? What are you thinking you'd find? Besides what you found today. I mean... Geez... Just... No.

 

And for the record, nothing here points to affair. It points to maintaining clothing and personal hygiene.

 

 

 

No, you have reason to think that you need to work on your boundaries... This is not normal or OK.

 

OK I understand your point and agree up to a point but I think you are being naive. If the Police, FBI and CIA look through the garbage then little old me might do the same if I am mourning the end of a 14 year marriage.

[forza]

If after examining your own hyper-vigilence you still feel the need to turn HER bathroom into a CSI episode, I suggest you wait until her period and then collect a sample of her blood and have it checked for DNA that is not your own. (Note the sarcasm please!)

 

You could do that, or you could just ask her: Honey, does our arrangement mean to you that WE have the right to see other people?

 

Thats a great idea. Maybe I watch to many cop shows!

 

I asked her the 2 nd question already and she said "I don't want any man!", "you do what you feel". She looked shaken and very agitated as she spoke. Her eyes blinked and her cheeks twitched.

[Anne Boleyn]

OK I understand your point and agree up to a point but I think you are being naive. If the Police, FBI and CIA look through the garbage then little old me might do the same if I am mourning the end of a 14 year marriage.

 

And if you were the police, FBI, or CIA trying to investigate a crime, I'd encourage you to do so.

 

But I can't remember the last time the police, FBI, and CIA went through my bathroom trash so as to find out how I may or may not be spending my time. The revealing the contents on a forum for feedback.

 

I've been called a lot of things, naive isn't one of them. Something is off here. One post you want to know because you think she's cheating. The next, you think it's because she wants you back. Then back to the "she's cheating," again.

 

You can mourn the end of a marriage, and that I get... But when part of that mourning involves going elbow deep in the garbage of your soon-to-be-ex's bathroom on the hunt for pubic hair, we've wandered out of mourning and into obsessive and are losing the opportunity to handle it with a sense of pride.

 

Time to reevaluate I think.

[soccerrprp]

Thats a great idea. Maybe I watch to many cop shows!

 

I asked her the 2 nd question already and she said "I don't want any man!", "you do what you feel". She looked shaken and very agitated as she spoke. Her eyes blinked and her cheeks twitched.

 

Yikes. Indifference is a strong sign she is over you or getting there. She is either VERY pissed at you or her very strong response is something else....don't know.

[Anne Boleyn]

Thats a great idea. Maybe I watch to many cop shows!

 

I asked her the 2 nd question already and she said "I don't want any man!", "you do what you feel". She looked shaken and very agitated as she spoke. Her eyes blinked and her cheeks twitched.

 

During an agitated conversation, she appeared agitated... I'm not sure what that's an indication of, other than a response to the situation. As for blinking and twitching cheeks, I think you've decided she is cheating, regardless of what she says, and you'll keep thinking and acting like you do until you can prove it, regardless of if she is or isn't.

 

Why did you guys separate? Why did she want a break?

[carhill]

She says she doesnt want a penny from me or a divorce.

 

Get that in writing and file for divorce tomorrow.

 

Overall translation? IMO, it's 'I'm not ready yet to leave (divorce) so let's 'separate' so I can pursue my options until I'm ready and, if no go, you're the backup plan'.

 

A lawsuit will fix that issue tootsweet. If she wants to separate, she can leave the marital home and do so. The kids remain in their familiar environment.

[forza]

Hi to the posters who asked why are we still living together. Thanks for the replies and valid question.

 

She says she doesn't know if she wants a divorce . She hasn't been to a lawyer or asked advice. She even said maybe we can get back together. We have made no rules as of yet. I am willing to let her go and work on myself . I feel bad and guilty that I have given her a stressful life. However she was from the ghetto so its not as if she was plucked from a rose garden and the discrimination/ crap I have suffered from close family has been a burden.

 

She also says " I don't want any man !". "Just God and my children" She said she hasnt loved me on and off for years. When I asked her if I could have other women she said "yes If you want" but she looked upset as she said it.

bad moods etc . her friend told her I flirt with a lot of women in the gym . They start it , its not my fault. I haven't actually taken one out but have gotten a phone number or two and might call them up if shes playing around.

[forza]

I went through the shocked . You cant leave me phase already. For the last 2 days I was really reflective about my faults.

 

I an willing to let her go for her sake . But will always be there fir the boys. Another reason I don't want to leave the house. The youngest is 6 . The oldest 12.

 

But I like to know just what is going on so the ice isn't cracked under my feet. Thats a bad phrase, I have to face it Ive been knee high in cold water for years.

[Owl]

Here's my advice.

 

Tell her you're done living in limbo. This "in house seperation" isn't going to cut it anymore.

 

She has a choice...either divorce, or work on fixing the marriage.

 

If she wants to fix the marriage, the in house seperation ends, the two of you find a marriage counselor, and you start working on things to actually fix the marriage. Date night, time together, working on communication, etc...

 

If she wants divorce, then the in-house seperation becomes a real seperation. She moves out ASAP, you file for divorce, and the two of you start working to seperate finances, things, etc...

 

It's the guessing what's next that'll kill you. Rip off the bandaid, one way or another.

[forza]

Get that in writing and file for divorce tomorrow.

 

Overall translation? IMO, it's 'I'm not ready yet to leave (divorce) so let's 'separate' so I can pursue my options until I'm ready and, if no go, you're the backup plan'.

 

A lawsuit will fix that issue tootsweet. If she wants to separate, she can leave the marital home and do so. The kids remain in their familiar environment.

 

Thanks for the advice man. Yes I should do that. Actually I want to house them and take care of the kids. What I don't want is her getting half my assets and forcing sales at auction or rock bottom prices. She does have a pride thing and even refused to hold administer my poker money. Im a good Poker player but when under emotional stress am a Bad gambler.

[carhill]

OP, you can choose to focus on the infidelity issue if you want but I can tell you as a fOM that women who talk like this use it as a disclaimer to facilitate entertaining male attention with a clear conscience, whether they will admit it or not. I can't tell you how many MW's came at me with the 'I'm separated' line.

 

If you choose to focus on this and do the tit for tat thing, IMO it will distract you from the primary focus, which is to provide a stable home for your children and move on in a productive way, either to reconcile or to divorce.

 

First, I'd state my intentions to never leave the custodial home. She wants to separate; she states she doesn't love you. She can go. There are apartments for rent everywhere. Child care is available. A visitation schedule can be arranged.

 

Second, I'd suggest mediation as a prelude to divorce. Get feedback on that. Such feedback indicates whether she was lying when she said she didn't want a penny or not and whether you should immediately hire an attorney or not.

 

Lastly, take one act to fruition each day and call that your success for the day. It could be a simple as a memorable interaction or activity with your children. One per day. Call it a good day. Each day will come as it does. This helps to stave off feelings of being overwhelmed. Good luck.

[forza]

Here's my advice.

 

Tell her you're done living in limbo. This "in house seperation" isn't going to cut it anymore.

 

She has a choice...either divorce, or work on fixing the marriage.

 

If she wants to fix the marriage, the in house seperation ends, the two of you find a marriage counselor, and you start working on things to actually fix the marriage. Date night, time together, working on communication, etc...

 

If she wants divorce, then the in-house seperation becomes a real seperation. She moves out ASAP, you file for divorce, and the two of you start working to seperate finances, things, etc...

 

It's the guessing what's next that'll kill you. Rip off the bandaid, one way or another.

Thanks man for the advice and support. Yes its difficult. She is a passive aggressive type and probably revels in this. I don't want to push for divorce though just yet. By the way Ive heard of people being separated and living together for years. But do most make rules?

[carhill]

OP, here's a question you might wish to ask yourself. Would you be OK with a gentleman ringing your bell to take your 'separated' wife out on a date? Would she with you?

 

That's part of defining what 'separated' is.

 

Our psychologist defined it this way. 'People get separated to become divorced'...... and discouraged us from that act and IMO he was right. I'm a fMM so speaking from that perspective. It's healthier IMO to directly address the issues and move on, no matter what direction 'move on' means. Right now you're in limbo and you're apparently feeling positive about remaining there. Had my exW done similar I would have lost all respect for her, something I still have when we interact today, many years post-D.

 

If you want to clarify your feelings and direction, IC can help with that. A good IC can be tasked to work specific issues, like this suspected infidelity, your past personal problems, your wife's 'style' of interaction, the effects on the kids, etc, etc. I recommend at least trying it.

[forza]

OP, you can choose to focus on the infidelity issue if you want but I can tell you as a fOM that women who talk like this use it as a disclaimer to facilitate entertaining male attention with a clear conscience, whether they will admit it or not. I can't tell you how many MW's came at me with the 'I'm separated' line.

 

If you choose to focus on this and do the tit for tat thing, IMO it will distract you from the primary focus, which is to provide a stable home for your children and move on in a productive way, either to reconcile or to divorce.

 

First, I'd state my intentions to never leave the custodial home. She wants to separate; she states she doesn't love you. She can go. There are apartments for rent everywhere. Child care is available. A visitation schedule can be arranged.

 

Second, I'd suggest mediation as a prelude to divorce. Get feedback on that. Such feedback indicates whether she was lying when she said she didn't want a penny or not and whether you should immediately hire an attorney or not.

 

Lastly, take one act to fruition each day and call that your success for the day. It could be a simple as a memorable interaction or activity with your children. One per day. Call it a good day. Each day will come as it does. This helps to stave off feelings of being overwhelmed. Good luck.

 

Thanks again Carhill you have really helped me. Some FPs are disgusted with me for being so low for bathroom snooping. You are seeing the bigger picture and gave me good advice and help.

 

I dont think I could make her leave the home though. Do you mean this if shes cheating? Also cash is very low and the real estate I own is down big time plus I have problems paying loans etc.

 

I hope to act on your other advice. I am trying with the kids but will admit haven't been so fantastic lately . The problem is I have become slightly unproductive due to several losses all within a few yrs. I need to get stronger quickly!

So you think she is casting her line around trying to catch a better fish before she throws me back into the water. Its something women , the so called fairer sex tend to do .

 

Do you think the MWs who came at you were fishing or after revenge?

Edited January 29, 2014 by forza
Details

[CarrieT]

And she sleeps with her handbag right next to her. She takes her phone into the bathroom nearly every time she goes in.

She may tell you that she doesn't want another man, but I'm willing to bet $1k that she is already communicating with someone else.

 

So you think she is casting her line around trying to catch a better fish before she throws me back into the water. Its something women , the so called fairer sex tend to do .

I'm going to call you on this one... All people - not just the "fairer sex" - cast their nets when they see the fish on the line starting to die. Please don't believe this behavior is limited to women.

 

The bigger picture, Forza, is whether or not you want to stay married or not. If you have already emotionally checked out on the marriage, than you shouldn't be concerned with the idea of your wife seeing someone else already. If you want to work on the marriage, than ask your wife if she is willing to see a therapist.

[forza]

New info, She has just called my son to say she will be delayed at work an hour. Her cel is off or shes in the subway. OK, I need to stay cool. She never turns it off cos shes very responsible with the kids.

 

 

If only I knew where she worked. Shes freelance.

[FallingLeaves]

Try to keep calm OP!

 

If she made contact with your son, you at least know she's relatively safe, and will be coming home, if not just a little later than usual.

 

Do you know why she decided to separate from you? This sounds like she has really worked on living a completely independent life from you while still sharing the house. I know you mention that financially, you are in a bad spot. Is it possible finances are keeping her from divorce?

 

While I think you overstepped your bounds by going through her trash (!!), I'm not going to chastise you over it. In the future though, don't do that again. Checking her phone, internet history or other such stuff is much more applicable and tells you the information you need to know.

 

I would also try to talk to her more, but it sounds like communication may be strained?