hopewild Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 So, I stopped visiting this website in the dead heat of my affair. I couldn't really look at the stories here anymore. Maybe that should have been a clue that I was in absolute denial for the utter pain and bull**** that was in store for me. I am a 20 year old female who had a four month long affair with a MM. He was quite a bit older than me. The details of the affair are hard to cover in a paragraph so I won't even try. But D-Day (which I thought we were so above) came and came with a vengeance during a getaway trip on the other side of the country. That's right, I was stupid enough to travel with this man. Someone recognized us (he was stupid enough to take me to his HOMETOWN) and everything came crashing down from that point. It ended with me being left in an airport with absolutely nowhere to go. He got on the first plane back to his wife and negated the entire nature of our relationship. But not before accusing me of having an STD and asking me to sit down and meet with his wife so she could have closure. I never thought we would end up together but I did believe him when he said he loved me. Of course I know now that he didn't. We've been NC since the day after D-day in which he called to threaten legal action against me if I tried to go near his family. (Which I never would.) Of course I have had moments of intense sadness and feelings of loss. But I have mostly been taking this in stride. The hardest part is just accepting the lesson I have learned in all this. I was no naive little girl when I got involved but I really did believe everything he told me about the way he felt about me. It's been really hard reconciling the person whose eyes I used to stare into and the person that he has been since D-day. It is like night and day. Accepting that most of it wasn't real has been really hard for me. But like I said....I've been okay. Until now, when I decide to get onto FB and go to his page. What a mistake. He is posting about how much he loves his wife with pictures of her attached and how she agreed to go on a date with him and how lucky he is. I knew he was going to try and recommit to his wife and children but seeing it there.....having it stare back at me.....it just makes me sick. Absolutely sick. We live in an incredibly small town and I am just absolutely dreading running into one or both of them. I am literally looking over my shoulder everywhere I go. I am literally wondering if this stranger or if that stranger knows. It's running me right out of town. I'm moving in August once I graduate college. I had plans to stay. But this place is tainted for me now. I can't believe I did what I did. And more over....I can't believe he engaged me at all. Surely the 15 years of life he has on me means something. Surely he knew better. Surely he knew that I couldn't possible comprehend what I was destroying and what I was getting myself into. I do take responsibility, I do. But it's all just so hard. I just beg of any of you out there to PLEASE just end it while you can. You'll be left with nothing. Just nothing. Sorry for the rant.
blue963 Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 You are so young and he was much older. Yes he should have known better. There is quite a difference between a 20 year old and 35 year old. Im sorry you went thru this but it has shown you a huge lesson about men and relationships. I am glad that it didnt go any further than this and know you have learned a valuable lesson to stay away from someone in a relationship. It only causes pain and heartache. I think that every person here that has gotten into this type of relationship would never do it again if they knew then what they know now. 2
Author hopewild Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 You are so young and he was much older. Yes he should have known better. There is quite a difference between a 20 year old and 35 year old. Im sorry you went thru this but it has shown you a huge lesson about men and relationships. I am glad that it didnt go any further than this and know you have learned a valuable lesson to stay away from someone in a relationship. It only causes pain and heartache. I think that every person here that has gotten into this type of relationship would never do it again if they knew then what they know now. I should have known better too. I don't want to seem like I'm denying responsibility. I just wish he would have backed off. I'm glad to have learned this lesson now instead of when I am 30........ Thanks for replying. I just feel so alone with this sometimes. My best friends can't understand what I'm going through.
SoleMate Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I'm so sorry. You made a mistake that is an easy one to make. Many others have done the same. You will recover, you will feel better. Please keep in mind that strict NC, including blocking Facebook, is for your peace of mind and recovery.
Anne Boleyn Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 To me, it sounds like one of three things: 1. He took you across country to his hometown, he was thinking about leaving his wife, or didn't care if she found out because he was leaving. That's really blatant commonsense violation to somebody trying to keep quiet about an affair. When she found out, he chickened out. 2. He took you across country to his hometown, knowing you'd get caught, or at least suspecting it, but knowing his wife would ultimately take him back. He used you as a springboard to fix his marriage. 3. He took you to his hometown across country, genuinely unaware you could be exposed. Therefore, he's an idiot. And you did a sit-down so that his wife could get closure? You're a better person than I... I'd have told him to pound sand after he made those kinds of threats. 1
Author hopewild Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 (edited) To me, it sounds like one of three things: 1. He took you across country to his hometown, he was thinking about leaving his wife, or didn't care if she found out because he was leaving. That's really blatant commonsense violation to somebody trying to keep quiet about an affair. When she found out, he chickened out. 2. He took you across country to his hometown, knowing you'd get caught, or at least suspecting it, but knowing his wife would ultimately take him back. He used you as a springboard to fix his marriage. 3. He took you to his hometown across country, genuinely unaware you could be exposed. Therefore, he's an idiot. And you did a sit-down so that his wife could get closure? You're a better person than I... I'd have told him to pound sand after he made those kinds of threats. I honestly think it's a combination between two and three. If that's possible. I definitely think he subconsciously could have been so careless because he wanted to re devote himself to his marriage. The f-ed up thing is that this trip was our last "hurrah" together. Things were getting incredibly serious between us and we talked about starting our own life together. Ultimately he decided that wasn't what he wanted and I respected that and I was pretty sure I wanted to split up too. We were going to break up at the end of the trip. Life is strange... As for sitting down with his wife....HELL NO. But he had the audacity to ask. And was angered when I refused. I ended up writing her a letter anyway, though. She knows everything now. I didn't get a reply back and didn't expect to. But I feel better now knowing that she can at least make the decision knowing the facts. I don't know how she could take him back. He is unbelievably spineless and cruel. Edited January 29, 2014 by hopewild detail
whichwayisup Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I feel for you... Your exMM took advantage of you. Yeah I know going in you knew he was married but you are so young and he was the adult in this senario, twice your age. You made a mistake but guess what? You are free to live your life and don't let HIM or his wife ruin anything for you. He threw you under the bus (aka the restraining order threat) and made it seem like this is all your fault. This is on him too, so please don't let this ruin you. People might gossip but that will die down as time goes on. Try your best to not be afraid of going out and living life. Rely on good friends and family to help you through this and give you lots of love and care - which you need right now. DO yourself a huge favour, block them both on facebook. the more you look the more pain you're inviting back into your life. 2
whichwayisup Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I ended up writing her a letter anyway, though. She knows everything now. I didn't get a reply back and didn't expect to. But I feel better now knowing that she can at least make the decision knowing the facts. I don't know how she could take him back. He is unbelievably spineless and cruel. This will help give yourself closure. Apologizing and owing your part in the A by writing her and giving her your side of things. It is up to her now how she handles this. If she takes him back, and she probably will, it's because a four month affair vs a long marriage with kids and a lot of history and family entwined is worth saving...Especially if he is remorseful and ready to do all the work on himself to prove to her he is worthy of a second chance. It's like if one of your parents cheated, and showed real remorse and was regretful of their choices, there's a good possibility your mom and dad would work through it because everything they've shared is worth fighting for. Anyway, what they do in their marriage, stay or divorce isn't your concern so try not to think of them and how they are handling things. It is obvious he lied and led you on, so who knows if he was just in it for an affair, how you made him feel good, and this was a mid life crisis or if he intended on leaving and being with you for good. doesn't matter anymore though... Love yourself, be good to "you" and don't let this ruin you, k. 3
experiencethedevine Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 This will help give yourself closure. Apologizing and owing your part in the A by writing her and giving her your side of things. It is up to her now how she handles this. If she takes him back, and she probably will, it's because a four month affair vs a long marriage with kids and a lot of history and family entwined is worth saving...Especially if he is remorseful and ready to do all the work on himself to prove to her he is worthy of a second chance. It's like if one of your parents cheated, and showed real remorse and was regretful of their choices, there's a good possibility your mom and dad would work through it because everything they've shared is worth fighting for. Anyway, what they do in their marriage, stay or divorce isn't your concern so try not to think of them and how they are handling things. It is obvious he lied and led you on, so who knows if he was just in it for an affair, how you made him feel good, and this was a mid life crisis or if he intended on leaving and being with you for good. doesn't matter anymore though... Love yourself, be good to "you" and don't let this ruin you, k. You are a sensitively shrewd woman whichway. Sensible advice for this young woman.
krazikat Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 So, I stopped visiting this website in the dead heat of my affair. I couldn't really look at the stories here anymore. Maybe that should have been a clue that I was in absolute denial for the utter pain and bull**** that was in store for me. I am a 20 year old female who had a four month long affair with a MM. He was quite a bit older than me. The details of the affair are hard to cover in a paragraph so I won't even try. But D-Day (which I thought we were so above) came and came with a vengeance during a getaway trip on the other side of the country. That's right, I was stupid enough to travel with this man. Someone recognized us (he was stupid enough to take me to his HOMETOWN) and everything came crashing down from that point. It ended with me being left in an airport with absolutely nowhere to go. He got on the first plane back to his wife and negated the entire nature of our relationship. But not before accusing me of having an STD and asking me to sit down and meet with his wife so she could have closure. I never thought we would end up together but I did believe him when he said he loved me. Of course I know now that he didn't. We've been NC since the day after D-day in which he called to threaten legal action against me if I tried to go near his family. (Which I never would.) Of course I have had moments of intense sadness and feelings of loss. But I have mostly been taking this in stride. The hardest part is just accepting the lesson I have learned in all this. I was no naive little girl when I got involved but I really did believe everything he told me about the way he felt about me. It's been really hard reconciling the person whose eyes I used to stare into and the person that he has been since D-day. It is like night and day. Accepting that most of it wasn't real has been really hard for me. But like I said....I've been okay. Until now, when I decide to get onto FB and go to his page. What a mistake. He is posting about how much he loves his wife with pictures of her attached and how she agreed to go on a date with him and how lucky he is. I knew he was going to try and recommit to his wife and children but seeing it there.....having it stare back at me.....it just makes me sick. Absolutely sick. We live in an incredibly small town and I am just absolutely dreading running into one or both of them. I am literally looking over my shoulder everywhere I go. I am literally wondering if this stranger or if that stranger knows. It's running me right out of town. I'm moving in August once I graduate college. I had plans to stay. But this place is tainted for me now. I can't believe I did what I did. And more over....I can't believe he engaged me at all. Surely the 15 years of life he has on me means something. Surely he knew better. Surely he knew that I couldn't possible comprehend what I was destroying and what I was getting myself into. I do take responsibility, I do. But it's all just so hard. I just beg of any of you out there to PLEASE just end it while you can. You'll be left with nothing. Just nothing. Sorry for the rant. I seriously want to hug you. You really are so young. Around my oldest childs age. I would beat any man who pulled this crap with my baby girl... but I would also have a serious convo with my daughter if she had an affair with a mm. I hope you learn from this experience and never have such a relationship knowingly again. (((((((virtual hug for you)))))) Other ow should pay attention. This happens often. Dday happens, ow gets dropped and mm runs panicking to his wife. There are situations where mm leave, but even then many times they "leave" because bs kicks them out. Mm dont have an affair to leave bs, they have an affair because they have poor coping, are cowards, or serial cheats. Or weak minded fools. There are few.situations where I may.understand an affair...i guess for some reason when a bs comments on these threads there are some ow who dont take it seriously, but it does happen. I hate affairs and the hurt they cause all of those impacted. It sux! And for ow who are no longer ow and in an open r with your former ap...this doesnt apply to you. So please think before responding to op about how this wasnt how yours....we all already know that....and you know who i am talking too, 1
Appreciate Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Your letter may have been intercepted. Hand delivering it (you or a male friend) is always the best method.
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