Goodbye Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I was just wondering how many OW/OM got into their relationships while "in the know." Did you know that the MM/MW was married at the start of your relationship? Did he misrepresent his status? When did the truth come out and how did you handle it?
blueseptember Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Yes, I knew he was married. I didn't know his wife was pregnant.
Anne Boleyn Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I was just wondering how many OW/OM got into their relationships while "in the know." Did you know that the MM/MW was married at the start of your relationship? Did he misrepresent his status? When did the truth come out and how did you handle it? We knew each other really, really well before the PA started, so no, nobody misrepresented anything on that front. That said, I think people could allege misrepresentation in other areas, though nothing was misrepresented persay, just things evolved. Examples: We both were clear we'd never leave our spouses. We had two PA encounters and we said that's it, no more, we can't do this. We said it would have been beautiful to be together, but we can't. We both knew the other couldn't/wouldn't leave. As the EA continued, however, we started asking if we would/could leave, and said that we wanted to. Or... After he had his DDay (which wasn't too long after) and he decided to end it, but the next day his wife said that she was actually OK with the marriage ending and it was a relief to her, we got the "OK" to date, though with the condition that we do it quietly. We both said we had no intention of marrying because marriage wasn't important to us, she said that was fine, though she was OK with it if we did. A month, maybe two, of quiet dating later, she changed her mind and demanded reconciliation, and he fought it saying that he wanted us to get married. She said that we had lied to her or misrepresented our intentions, but the fact is, things had changed and we said maybe one day it'd be nice to get married. Little things like that which appear to somebody as a misrepresentation, but it was actually an evolving of the relationship. 1
MissBee Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 (edited) I was just wondering how many OW/OM got into their relationships while "in the know." Did you know that the MM/MW was married at the start of your relationship? Did he misrepresent his status? When did the truth come out and how did you handle it? In my case he did misrepresent himself but it was also easier for him to do so because he wasn't married. When we initially met it was not under a romantic situation. I met him and a group of people over the course of a 3 day conference in another country and we all exchanged IM information to keep in contact. We went our separate ways and I kept in contact with him and the rest of people but sporadically and I wasn't particularly interested him even though I did think he was attractive and charming. I knew he had a child and he mentioned he had a girlfriend but we spoke very infrequently and the details of his life were not at the front of my mind. We didn't speak for a long time and months later when we spoke again he started showing romantic interest and pursuing me as a single man would and never said a thing about having a gf and so I assumed he no longer did, as people break up all the time and he wasn't married, so I just went with that. Had he been married I would have asked if he had gotten a divorce and wouldn't have assumed it but in the case of a gf, I simply took it as they must have broken up (nowadays I wouldn't assume that and if I know a man to have had a gf the last we spoke and he's pursuing me I ask outright about his status). He also quite sneakily would refer to his gf as his child's mother EVERY TIME he spoke about her, he never said her name or that she was his gf just "Tim's mom", which of course gave the impression that they had no relationship outside of being parents. They also did not live together so basically for all intents and purposes I thought he was single and he did nothing to correct that assumption. It was almost a year later that I came across a social networking profile of his that listed him as "In a Relationship", I knew it wasn't with me as we never really decided that so I asked about it and that was when he casually said yes he did have a gf. He was unapologetic about it. I don't remember everything said and done but we got into an argument, I felt sick, I was very angry. But I continued the A, mostly because up until that point it was only an EA and I also told myself nothing serious would ever come of it anyway so I wasn't doing anything wrong. He gave some bogus explanation for his misrepresentation, basically that he didn't misrepresent himself, he had told me ages before that he had a gf. That was his style though, he would never outright lie as far as I could tell, but would be as vague as possible about things he wanted to misrepresent or spin it in such a way where he knew what you would assume about the situation wouldn't be the truth, then he could say "Well you're the one who assumed it", knowing full well he carefully spun it in that way. Edited January 29, 2014 by MissBee
carhill Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I was just wondering how many OW/OM got into their relationships while "in the know." Unfortunately, the first time was not 'in the know'. Did you know that the MM/MW was married at the start of your relationship? Didn't for a couple of months. Did s/he misrepresent his/her status? To the extent that she didn't wear her wedding ring (she would in later years), didn't talk about her being married and flirted like a single lady, IME, all contributed, as did my ignorance of youth. When did the truth come out and how did you handle it? Progress of intimacy building stopped but I did not disconnect completely, hence we did engage in an EA over time. Back then, in my 20's, I didn't really understand EA's to be the damaging dynamics I do today. I knew that sex with a married person was outside of my boundaries, so actions leading to a PA were out of the question. Ironically, she'd share years later that she was having a PA with her boss at the time and I was a method of ending that association. Being a lot more savvy at that point, I wasn't surprised in the least. Contact with multiple MW's (women who turned out to be married or 'separated' (common!)) over the years had taken any such 'surprise' factor out of my life. Nothing surprises me anymore. 1
proseandpassion Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I was totally aware my AP was married before getting involved, and didn't care. I was in a funk, post-breakup from my last boyfriend, looking for an adventure and a fling, and thought it'd just be that--a short-lived fling (like, 2 weeks tops). He also has never lied about his sex life with his wife (he fully admits they have sex). He also says his marriage is decent (not without its issues, but what marriage isn't). I guess I am just awful. The wife was definitely invisible to me initially, but her presence and her feelings are weighing on my mind more and more. 1
hurtnomorerika Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 No, I didnt know he was married, he lied. I found out about 3 months later. I took it hard because I had fell for him. I did leave him alone for a couple of months and one night he showed up on my door step and I fell right back in. I think that was due to loneliness though.
Appreciate Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I was totally aware my AP was married before getting involved, and didn't care. I was in a funk, post-breakup from my last boyfriend, looking for an adventure and a fling, and thought it'd just be that--a short-lived fling (like, 2 weeks tops). He also has never lied about his sex life with his wife (he fully admits they have sex). He also says his marriage is decent (not without its issues, but what marriage isn't). I guess I am just awful. The wife was definitely invisible to me initially, but her presence and her feelings are weighing on my mind more and more. I've been reading your posts. I hope you can get out of this mess, for your own sanity. PS - Your signature quote makes me laugh, but I kind of get what you are saying. Truthful guys don't have to be dull partners. You should be appreciated for you who are, and liars ultimately won't do that for you.
cocorico Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I guess he might have misrepresented himself: I asked him at the outset if he intended leaving his W and he said he did not. And then later he left. But I was OK with it because by then we planned to be together. I did not see it as a misrepresentation, more as changing his mind over time as the R changed.
GreySkyMorning Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I was just wondering how many OW/OM got into their relationships while "in the know." Did you know that the MM/MW was married at the start of your relationship? Did he misrepresent his status? When did the truth come out and how did you handle it? I knew when the whole thing started that he was married. He told me originally that he wasn't leaving her and he loved her and he just wanted time with me. Six weeks later is when the misrepresentation started. That's when he started throwing out the "I love you, I always loved you, don't be with anyone else but me, she and I are just roomates, we dont even have sex, blah blah blah". Shortly thereafter, it was "I'm going to tell her about you, I want to be with you, I'm going to divorce her...". Dday happens and its "I just got carried away, it wasnt supposed to be like this, I dont love you anymore, all my feelings changed, btw can we still have sex?" So yeah, there was misrepresentation. Just not in the form you're thinking about.
PurpleCardigan Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Yes, my xMM did misrepresent himself. I learned a few weeks in that he was married (I was already in deep as he was great at love bombing!) and then about two more weeks to learn he had a child. I had to ask him about the child because he never offered it up. When I think back, I get angry about how passive-aggressive that was as well as drip-feeding the truth; and angry that my boundaries were so poor that I didn't take it as the red flag that is was and walk away right then. I learned about the child as I moved his car from the street to my driveway so he wouldn't get a ticket and I saw the booster seat. I had to ask about it, which I did a week later, as I waited a bit to see if he would mention it now that I "knew". In the end he said that while he loved me, he was staying away from me so his kid would have an intact home. It would have been nice to know the whole story before I fell for him -- to have made an informed choice. Don't get me wrong, I own my choices in terms of the relationship. He maintained this level of denial that I ALSO bought into in that he called me his girlfriend and called himself my boyfriend. He was the first to say I love you. He said that he was mine and I was his forever. He never mentioned his home life, marriage or child until he needed a reason to walk away or put distance between us. I could call/text whenever I wanted and he would respond. The part that gets me is that thinking of him and letting him go hurts so much. When I write this stuff out and re-read it, it should have been a no-brainer to walk away and never look back. That's what extreme loneliness and extreme grief (I recently lost my only parent) do sometimes -- or so says my therapist. But yeah, it would have been nice to know before I fell for him. I'd like to think that I would have made a different decision and a mere crush is easy to walk away from. The (false) connection was, and remains, much harder.
Author Goodbye Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 I knew when the whole thing started that he was married. He told me originally that he wasn't leaving her and he loved her and he just wanted time with me. Six weeks later is when the misrepresentation started. That's when he started throwing out the "I love you, I always loved you, don't be with anyone else but me, she and I are just roomates, we dont even have sex, blah blah blah". Shortly thereafter, it was "I'm going to tell her about you, I want to be with you, I'm going to divorce her...". Dday happens and its "I just got carried away, it wasnt supposed to be like this, I dont love you anymore, all my feelings changed, btw can we still have sex?" So yeah, there was misrepresentation. Just not in the form you're thinking about. I remember your story. How are you doing these days?
dubliner Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Not in the sense of that he was single but very much that he was in a dead R, he wanted out of and that he had no love for his partner. Years of future faking, asking me to 'wait' for him, telling me he was trying to end the R as amicably as possible... I started to pay more attention to actions, or lack of in his case and decided it was time for me to concentrate on my own actions. We had the make or break conversation, was he leaving or staying? he couldn't tell me, said he ultimately had to do what was right for his children. That conversation ended with me saying in that case I would be doing what was right by ME. We are now in strict NC aside from business matters. 1
The secret Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Met him on a dating site. Thought he was single until I found his twitter account. That was about 5 months into it. Stayed with him after because it was easy.
GreySkyMorning Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I remember your story. How are you doing these days? Thanks for asking! I'm doing very well actually. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful single guy who is 10x the man that xmm will ever be. It just amazes me everytime something happens in our relationship that is completely opposite from the way it "used" to be. For example, we can be at his house and his kids come in and out like its totally normal for dad to have a girlfriend. Oh, wait!! It is! We dont have to hide! I know, it seems silly, doesn't it? We're taking a weekend at the end of February and getting a cabin in the Smokies. I can't wait. Xmm and I still text, that's it. We don't talk on the phone, we don't see each other. We're "friends". There are no more words of love or anything like that, although he'd be more than willing to pick right back up sexually if I would agree. And really, it seems like every day, I lose more and more concern for him. He's slowly killed off any respect or love that was left. I never thought the day would come when i wouldn't look forward to talking to him. Now most of the time, I couldn't care less. There is life after them, especially once you can start seeing them for who they really are as a person.
Gunthar Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 In my case, we both knew the other was married. What I maintain is that she completely misrepresented herself, as in, she conveyed she was in 'the drivers seat' at home and could weather any Dday scenario easily. Turns out she was just putting up a front (All-American mom/wife with a hefty dose of bad-ass party girl) and left me in the dust at the first sign that her BS might find something (even benign) out. I was going through the worst litany of betrayals I could imagine a man being subjected to, and AP just calls it off without ever checking in. Shallow; another misrepresentation (thought she was interested in more than just empathizing with my train wreck) Sorry if I'm hijacking...
glow worm Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 I didn't knowingly get involved with a CM. He definitely misrepresented himself to me and I didn't find out for several months that he had a live-in girlfriend of many years. I do take responsibility for being the OW and I don't victimize myself, because I made the choice to keep seeing him after I found out about his relationship with her rather than dumping him on the spot. My feelings for him were already too deep and my will to walk away from him was too weak.
krazikat Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Yes, my xMM did misrepresent himself. I learned a few weeks in that he was married (I was already in deep as he was great at love bombing!) and then about two more weeks to learn he had a child. I had to ask him about the child because he never offered it up. When I think back, I get angry about how passive-aggressive that was as well as drip-feeding the truth; and angry that my boundaries were so poor that I didn't take it as the red flag that is was and walk away right then. I learned about the child as I moved his car from the street to my driveway so he wouldn't get a ticket and I saw the booster seat. I had to ask about it, which I did a week later, as I waited a bit to see if he would mention it now that I "knew". In the end he said that while he loved me, he was staying away from me so his kid would have an intact home. It would have been nice to know the whole story before I fell for him -- to have made an informed choice. Don't get me wrong, I own my choices in terms of the relationship. He maintained this level of denial that I ALSO bought into in that he called me his girlfriend and called himself my boyfriend. He was the first to say I love you. He said that he was mine and I was his forever. He never mentioned his home life, marriage or child until he needed a reason to walk away or put distance between us. I could call/text whenever I wanted and he would respond. The part that gets me is that thinking of him and letting him go hurts so much. When I write this stuff out and re-read it, it should have been a no-brainer to walk away and never look back. That's what extreme loneliness and extreme grief (I recently lost my only parent) do sometimes -- or so says my therapist. But yeah, it would have been nice to know before I fell for him. I'd like to think that I would have made a different decision and a mere crush is easy to walk away from. The (false) connection was, and remains, much harder. This is so sad. ((((purplecardigan)))) These MM just piss me off. I hope this is an experience you will never repeat. Just keep in mind, if a man lies from the get.go about.their marital status, they will lie about anything, so nothing they say should be taken as truth.
MissTakes Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 I was in denial, and he made it easy for me to deny. I heard that he was married through the grapevine, but I never followed up on the rumors at all, and he didn't wear his ring around me. In fact, I specifically remember the first time we slept together, we went to eat afterwards. We were at a restaurant near to where he works (and, I now know, near to where his wife works), and he was holding my hand. There was no ring on his. I thought to myself, "There must be some confusion. He's not wearing a ring. We're out to eat, in public, in a place that he said he comes to on a regular basis. He can't be married." Shortly after, I found out that he was. It was too late, though. I was in deeper than I had ever intended.
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