butterfly_dance Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 In recent months my BFF has been hot and cold with me. She has displayed jealous tendencies due to my other friendships, even asking me if I am dating particular people (knowing I have already informed her I am not). The jealousy has intensified in the last month where she has been making snide remarks about those I am close to and recently rubbing in my face about her new friendship with a couple of people. I have been so hurt by her behavior and it has confused me incredibly. It has got to a point where I feel like she avoids me as she has gone elsewhere a couple of times whenever I am around. I've been there for her through thick and thin for a long time now. It came to a head when I asked if there was a problem. She claims she is not avoiding me, but is very depressed and is trying to figure her life out. I fully understand that and know all about her struggles. What I don't understand is why she is now spending time with these new friends and not me. She knows I am always there for her and used to lean on me all the time.
TaraMaiden Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 So now you're jealous of her friends.....? Maybe they're fairweather friends. But you know, these things happen. People come into our lives, but there's absolutely no worth in believing they will be there for ever. If she's going through a depressive period, the thing to do is to merely let her know you're always there if she needs you, but then put it to the back of the bookshelf and carry on with your life. The problem with doing that is that it encourages Emotional Leeches to keep pestering you whenever they need you, sapping your energy and then going back to what they were doing, leaving you drained and exhausted by the experience. Make a good life for yourself. Wish her well, but let things evolve as they must....
Author butterfly_dance Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 Great advice. Thankyou very much. I wouldn't say I am jealous, don't have an issue with her spending time with others in the slightest. I am hurt by the way she has been treating me - more than anything. Good point about the fairweathered friends as I do believe these people are. You are so right about being emotionally drained - I have been like that more often than not the past few years helping her with her issues. It would be easy to walk away and put the experience behind me, however I have to work with her. Thankyou again
TaraMaiden Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Just because you have to work with her does not mean you can allow boundaries to be crossed, broken or 'violated'. If anything, it's an ideal environment in which t 'keep things professional' and not permit personal crap to cloud the day. If you look at the No Contact Guide in my signature, there's a lot of good, helpful advice on how to be in the same building as someone once very close to you - and still live an effective and untroubled life. Granted, the piece was written as an aide to broken intimate relationships - but the guy who originally wrote it, worked in the same building for the same company, as his ex-GF. She dumped him, but by implementing this Guide, he definitely had 'the upper hand'. There is much therein that may well be very useful to you in the similar scenario you find yourself in. 1
Author butterfly_dance Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 Thankyou again. I will have a look at that now. I certainly need to do something fast hehe. The work thing has become very uncomfortable for me due to her jealousy of my relationships with others and it is very obvious that she does not like me interacting with them. She won't stay around now when I am working with people in her vicinity - instead she will move away after making harsh remarks. Another point to note - a month ago she brought up the topic of lesbians and said she would be my soul mate and made it quite clear what she wanted. She was serious and it was said in front of others. I am not gay and she is fully aware of it. There have been other instances over the years where she has groped my breast in public and she will hug me from behind around the chest whenever I am talking to others at work. The list of things is endless!
TaraMaiden Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Her behaviour is utterly inappropriate and if done at work, constitutes sexual harassment. Depending on what you think might work, either tell her immediately, in a very loud voice that whatever she is doing is wholly inappropriate and to never do it again, or, lodge a complaint with HR. That's absolutely appalling. If a guy were to do that, he would never get away with it.
Author butterfly_dance Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 (edited) Yes absolutely! I get what she is doing - ensuring she lets newcomers know that I am her possession etc. It isn't right and makes her look unprofessional. I have come to the conclusion that her behavior is that of a jealous lover (I cringe at saying that hehe), but it has been witnessed by others whom I am close to and they have the same opinion. The topic of her intense feelings for me (more than a friend) was brought up by a close friend of mine a couple of years ago. She also works at the same place. I dismissed it at first, however too much has happened for me to ignore the signs. Whilst I completely agree with what you are saying, and I thankyou for your words, can I ask your opinion as to whether it does seem like a jealous lover/crusher type scenario. That would explain her latest behavior where she cannot be around me interacting with other men or openly gay women we work with then making a point of laughing and carrying on with her new friends in front of me, calling them "my boys". I believe the latest behavior is an attempt to make me jealous as I have been quite busy of late and haven't paid her the amount of attention I used to. Edited January 29, 2014 by butterfly_dance
TaraMaiden Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 If she is a lesbian, nd you're not, that doesn't negate the fact that she obviously has deeper feelings for you than just being 'bosom-buddies' if you'll pardon the pun. You see the friendship on one level, whereas she wishes it were on a different level, and has no qualms making her feelings felt, out in the open. The fact that they're not reciprocated seems to not affect her reactions. SHE feels hat way, so it's ok for her to validate her sentiments in public. In short, she's acting as if you too are a lesbian, and is creating difficulties because she clearly won't take no for an answer. I would add at this point, I make no judgement about anybody's sexual persuasion. I have no prejudices in that direction, at all, whatsoever. My objection 'on paper, here' so to speak, is that she is crossing the line, disrespecting your boundaries and just being plain bloody rude.
Author butterfly_dance Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 Thankyou again TaraMaiden. Speaking with you has been wonderful and just what I needed right now I suspect she is bi as she is currently in a failing relationship with a man, which is coming to an end. Or perhaps she has been living a lie and it has come to a head now. There is added turmoil with that situation. My feeling is she is struggling with who she is. I don't care if she is, it doesn't bother me in the slightest, but the mixed signals do bother me. I didn't pick up on a lot of the signals due to the fact I am not that way inclined - it has only been due to mutual friends/acquaintances hitting me on the head hehe that I finally have put two and two together. I know it would be easy if I could bring the subject up with her, but I'm not comfortable with that. And I also add that my close friends have said exactly what you just did hehe.
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