Lets give ourselves some slack. We deserve better!

[hea]

Hey guys

]As the majority of us are on this site due to the fact we are heartbroken, it got me thinking. Why?

 

They split up with us, and from what I see most of the time there is an unclear reason why. Just pathetic excuses like, I don’t love you anymore, I don’t feel the same, I need a break, I don’t fancy you anymore. Its ridiculous. They never give an X,Y,Z answer.

 

It’s about time we all got some self-respect and said ‘you know what, I can find someone who loves me for me, just the way I am.’

 

Going from personal experiences, I was devastated when my ex split up with me, he said he no longer fancied me and felt like we were just best friends. I’m sorry but being best friends with the one your with is the best part about being in a relationship! People are too quick to give up these days and never really work for what they have. Instead of working at it they think, ‘meh, I’ll find someone else’ or ‘what am I missing out on.’ And in his case he I think he was getting mixed up between love and lust. He said the spark had gone, and yet never put any effort in to correct it, and didn’t give me a chance, he ended it straight after he told me.

 

Now I know I put 100% effort into this relationship, I always arranged for us to do things, tried to keep the romance up, did small acts of kindness to make him smile, and what did I get….ABSOULTLEY NOTHING!! It made me realise that even though he split up with me, I am not the one who lost anything. He lost someone who loved him, went out of the way to make him smile, bought him nice gifts, organised to do new things with him, showed him affection. I put his happiness before mine.

And what did I lose… someone who never put effort in, someone who put his own happiness before mine, so really I did not miss out.

We need to start telling ourselves how good we are, they let us down, not the other way round. Let pick ourselves up, be thankful with what we do have and stop overthinking things. They are the ones who lost someone who loved them, if anything we should pitty them.

 

As a statement once says ‘you can spend minutes, hours, years over analysing something, what you could have done, or you can accept it, leave the broken pieces on the floor and move on.’

 

At the end of the day it is unlikely they will ever come back. And even if the do its even more unlikely they will stay. Lets move on.

Edited January 29, 2014 by hea

[jphcbpa]

Agree. I woke up with this same thought this morning. I deserve and want to be with someone who wants to be with me. Knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that they would never want to not have me in their life.

 

I do not want to convince someone who is "unsure" and "when we get close, I get scared and pull away". Why would I want that? Who can trust someone who is always one foot out the door.

[ikilledacockroach]

Thanks for that post! Sounds exactly like what I went through with my ex. Was having a rough day but it's cheered me up you're right, their loss is our gain and we just have to keep moving on

[bubblesbursted]

It made me realise that even though he split up with me, I am not the one who lost anything. He lost someone who loved him, went out of the way to make him smile, bought him nice gifts, organised to do new things with him, showed him affection. I put his happiness before mine.

And what did I lose… someone who never put effort in, someone who put his own happiness before mine, so really I did not miss out.

We need to start telling ourselves how good we are, they let us down, not the other way round. Let pick ourselves up, be thankful with what we do have and stop overthinking things. They are the ones who lost someone who loved them, if anything we should pitty them.

 

As a statement once says ‘you can spend minutes, hours, years over analysing something, what you could have done, or you can accept it, leave the broken pieces on the floor and move on.’

 

At the end of the day it is unlikely they will ever come back. And even if the do its even more unlikely they will stay. Lets move on.

 

I love what you wrote! Its actually true. Their loss not ours. We loved unconditionally and believed it when they said they loved us. Thats what we did. We loved. And its them who are missing out on the person who loved them so much , cared for them so much and was willing to go out of their way to do things to make the relationship work.

 

( I am telling all this to myself, trying to tell myself its his loss )

[Never Again]

They split up with us, and from what I see most of the time there is an unclear reason why. Just pathetic excuses like, I don’t love you anymore, I don’t feel the same, I need a break, I don’t fancy you anymore. Its ridiculous. They never give an X,Y,Z answer.

 

I agree with you about the "reasons" being silly...but it's hard to put a rational reason on an emotional change. People try to pin it on things, but their feelings are their feelings - it's hard to try and explain them.

 

However, a lot of people also seem to forget that feelings and emotions are just a response to stimuli. We get excited because we're in an exciting situation (rollercoasters!), sad because we're in a sad situation (dead puppies!), etc.

 

I've had moments where I could say "I don't fancy you anymore" to a girlfriend, but that I tried to remember why I fancied her in the first place and what change. Did I change? Did she? Are we just under a lot of stress? Are we arguing a lot? Have we gotten into a boring routine?

 

I find ways to love my significant other even when I'm not "in love" with them anymore, and I try to remind myself of why I fell in love with them in the first place and recreate that magic.

 

Many people simply give up. They've got a "when the magic's gone, it's gone" mentality. No communication or effort, but instead choose to clam up and "fall out of love" until they're forced to leave.

 

That being said, many others leave because the relationship is unfulfilling and they don't see that changing. If there are fundamental flaws in a relationship that cannot be overcome or talked-through, then ending it is best.

 

I always advocate for TRYING to talk through it...and leaving if nothing gets fixed.

 

I’m sorry but being best friends with the one your with is the best part about being in a relationship! People are too quick to give up these days and never really work for what they have. Instead of working at it they think, ‘meh, I’ll find someone else’ or ‘what am I missing out on.’ And in his case he I think he was getting mixed up between love and lust. He said the spark had gone, and yet never put any effort in to correct it, and didn’t give me a chance, he ended it straight after he told me.

 

You're really speaking my language in this post.

 

Then again, I'm lousy with "romance", but I ALWAYS work to make my significant other my best friend. I share everything with them, even my most boring interests. I don't focus on IMPRESSING them, I focus on creating a deep friendship - the kind that could endure when the "lust stage" faded.

 

I put his happiness before mine.

 

It's okay to do this sometimes in a relationship, but never let their happiness rule over yours. You'll make yourself a doormat, and they'll never respect you if you do that.

 

Respect precedes love in many ways. You'll do thinks to lose their respect sometimes (if you drink too much and get sick and they need to hold your hair back, or cave in a fight because you're tired lol), but they should still respect you more often than not.

 

At the end of the day it is unlikely they will ever come back. And even if the do its even more unlikely they will stay. Lets move on.

 

Always a good idea.

[Sugarkane]

So relatable. Especially if they're arrogant and think "I'll always find someone else anyway". Can also relate when at least you put effort in the relationship and they half assed it. And they just take, take, take.

[lauri]

I love what you wrote! Its actually true. Their loss not ours. We loved unconditionally and believed it when they said they loved us. Thats what we did. We loved. And its them who are missing out on the person who loved them so much , cared for them so much and was willing to go out of their way to do things to make the relationship work.

 

( I am telling all this to myself, trying to tell myself its his loss )

 

Don't tell yourself this - believe it because it is true. I really started to realize in a lot of our cases our ex's are really not worth all the pain we have gone through - I think, judging from how people explain themselves on here and explain what they have done for their ex's, we deserve a lot better. Let them go off and try to "find better" because god knows they won't be able to .

[Kermit76]

Excellent post. It cheered me up.

 

I still have bad days and have to keep reminding myself why in the hell do I keep putting her on a pedestal, Get her the hell down. She doesn't deserve it!

[lauri]

Excellent post. It cheered me up.

 

I still have bad days and have to keep reminding myself why in the hell do I keep putting her on a pedestal, Get her the hell down. She doesn't deserve it!

 

Good man!

 

I believe a lot of girls hate it when they are put on a pedestal because they need to be challenged once in a while. Normally if you don't have a backbone and are TOO NICE, they'll get bored and actually put you on the way out.

 

Eitherway, maintain self-control and confidence. Self control to never contact her or put her up on that pedestal, and confidence that since you are the best damn thing since Nutella was invented, you will find a sexier, smarter and better girl.

[Kermit76]

Thanks Lauri.

 

Definitely need to work on my confidence but in a few more months plan to be back in the dating scene. I have tried online and speed dating before and will give it another shot. It's been almost 5 months since my BU (2 year relationship), and I still have bad days but as time moves on I am definitely feeling better.

 

I also keep reminding myself (and others have told me) it's her loss. She may not realize it now but it will hit her one day. No way will she find a better man that will treat her like I did. That I know of for sure.

[skydiveaddict]

Hey guys

]As the majority of us are on this site due to the fact we are heartbroken, it got me thinking. Why?

 

Because it hurts.

[disclosure]

They split up with us, and from what I see most of the time there is an unclear reason why. Just pathetic excuses like, I don’t love you anymore, I don’t feel the same, I need a break, I don’t fancy you anymore. Its ridiculous. They never give an X,Y,Z answer.

 

I agree with you about the "reasons" being silly...but it's hard to put a rational reason on an emotional change. People try to pin it on things, but their feelings are their feelings - it's hard to try and explain them.

 

However, a lot of people also seem to forget that feelings and emotions are just a response to stimuli. We get excited because we're in an exciting situation (rollercoasters!), sad because we're in a sad situation (dead puppies!), etc.

 

I've had moments where I could say "I don't fancy you anymore" to a girlfriend, but that I tried to remember why I fancied her in the first place and what change. Did I change? Did she? Are we just under a lot of stress? Are we arguing a lot? Have we gotten into a boring routine?

 

I find ways to love my significant other even when I'm not "in love" with them anymore, and I try to remind myself of why I fell in love with them in the first place and recreate that magic.

 

Many people simply give up. They've got a "when the magic's gone, it's gone" mentality. No communication or effort, but instead choose to clam up and "fall out of love" until they're forced to leave.

 

That being said, many others leave because the relationship is unfulfilling and they don't see that changing. If there are fundamental flaws in a relationship that cannot be overcome or talked-through, then ending it is best.

 

I always advocate for TRYING to talk through it...and leaving if nothing gets fixed.

 

 

 

You're really speaking my language in this post.

 

Then again, I'm lousy with "romance", but I ALWAYS work to make my significant other my best friend. I share everything with them, even my most boring interests. I don't focus on IMPRESSING them, I focus on creating a deep friendship - the kind that could endure when the "lust stage" faded.

 

As for the reasons, like this person said..it is extremely difficult a lot of the time to give a reason. And at the same time, as much as the dumpee wants to know exactly why they broke up, when put in the situation as the dumper...the last thing you want to do is leave the person hurt. The alternative is not always better...especially in the eyes of the dumper.

 

Pfenixfire,

 

your post may have given me a different way of looking at it on the other end of things actually. In my situation I see glimpses of the person I fell in love with, then I see glimpses of the person who I wanted to break up with/broke up with.. I don't necessarily want to just give up on the relationship, but at the same time it's hard to think about "waiting for someone to change" then finding out they didn't 6 months + down the line and it being even more difficult to do then. It's not at all black and white when it comes to things that can be changed and things that can't.