Right Guy at the Wrong Time

[sleeplessinslc]

I've just been dumped 2 weeks ago and this guy comes along- well, actually he's been around for a 8 months or so- I've already told him before (3x) that I don't think we can work out.

 

But he's perfect!He's kind, sweet, ambitious, generous,patient, loves my family (my family loves him back), family guy, well established in his profession, and loves me unconditionally. I like him but just not the same way he likes (or loves) me.

 

Yes, he has professed his love for me-- this was the time I was dating another guy. I told him very clearly that I don't feel the same way about him and that it's better that we should just stop communicating to avoid further pain.

 

He couldn't do it. He asked if we could remain friends if only to keep the communication lines open.

 

And then - I got dumped (Karma is a biT*ch) And HE saw it as an opportunity to step up, now that the other guy is out of the picture.

 

So my question is-

 

Do I give this relationship a chance when in the first place I did not feel the same, no "fire" in my heart, no spark and all? Or do I give it up entirely?

 

I don't feel excited when he texts or look forward to his texts or calls at all. Sometimes it does get annoying how sweet he is.

 

Will I give this a another chance and let my feelings grow - now that the other guy is out of the picture?

Edited January 29, 2014 by sleeplessinslc

[Philosoraptor]

Well you've made it clear he is not the right guy. You stated that clearly when you said "I like him but just not the same way he likes (or loves) me."

 

You seem sure that things will not work out and made that clear many times here, and to him. NO, you should not give him a chance while you're in rebound mode. He's a nice guy, but you already said you have no future together and by giving it a shot you'd just be tearing him apart shortly in the future.

 

PS. It wasn't karma that you got dumped. Just because you don't like someone doesn't mean you're going to get bit on the butt and dumped. What it means is that this nice fella is not the right guy and neither was your ex. Take your time, heal up, and eventually in time you will meet the right guy for you.

[xUnknown]

I agree with what 'raptor said. Besides, should you give this guy a chance, all he will be, is a rebound. So, No....don't do it. At least, not yet. But, you already said he wasn't the right guy. If you want to give him a shot, give him a fair chance after you're emotionally available.

[sleeplessinslc]

Well you've made it clear he is not the right guy. You stated that clearly when you said "I like him but just not the same way he likes (or loves) me."

 

You seem sure that things will not work out and made that clear many times here, and to him. NO, you should not give him a chance while you're in rebound mode. He's a nice guy, but you already said you have no future together and by giving it a shot you'd just be tearing him apart shortly in the future.

 

PS. It wasn't karma that you got dumped. Just because you don't like someone doesn't mean you're going to get bit on the butt and dumped. What it means is that this nice fella is not the right guy and neither was your ex. Take your time, heal up, and eventually in time you will meet the right guy for you.

 

I think about it now- and he's the right guy for me in so many ways. But I was too busy falling for the wrong guy. But yes, the timing is off if I give it a shot now.

 

But I hate that he's just around waiting. It makes me feel sorry for him - him waiting for a chance while I recover from being dumped. Who knows how long it would take me? I told him to keep his options open and he says no. He says he knows what he wants and that's ME!

 

He doesn't want to move on unless 1- he sees me in a relationship with another guy -- or 2 - me with him! What do I do?

[Never Again]

Sometimes chemistry is immediate, and sometimes it takes time to build.

 

However, you likely find his sweetness to be overbearing or smothering, and simply don't find him to be "exciting" enough. We want what we can't have, and what's easy to get...we don't want so much.

 

So, I'll toss this out there: You'd probably like this guy more if he was less available and cared less.

 

He's not what you're looking for right now - you're looking for excitement, and he's stable and reliable, which you likely find boring.

[sleeplessinslc]

I agree with what 'raptor said. Besides, should you give this guy a chance, all he will be, is a rebound. So, No....don't do it. At least, not yet. But, you already said he wasn't the right guy. If you want to give him a shot, give him a fair chance after you're emotionally available.

 

Ah, yes. That's what I told him- that I'm not in the right state to jump into another relationship. But the thing is- he's willing to wait. He's not going to stop until I'm in a relationship. He's not forcing himself or anything - but I just feel sorry for him that he can't move on.

[xUnknown]

I think about it now- and he's the right guy for me in so many ways. But I was too busy falling for the wrong guy. But yes, the timing is off if I give it a shot now.

 

But I hate that he's just around waiting. It makes me feel sorry for him - him waiting for a chance while I recover from being dumped. Who knows how long it would take me? I told him to keep his options open and he says no. He says he knows what he wants and that's ME!

 

He doesn't want to move on unless 1- he sees me in a relationship with another guy -- or 2 - me with him! What do I do?

 

 

Do you think now that he is the right guy because the last one hurt you so much? I had thought this exact same thing. After the breakup with my ex, I though this other girl was the right girl...she may be, idk, but definitley not now. I then realized with this other girl (long distance), my emotions were always up, then down, whenever we'd see each other. I feel like I started looking for the "good" and others being the "right" person, because the previous girl hurt me so much...perhaps its the same for you.

 

There's nothing you can do....that's all on him. He has to be the one to move forward with his life. You have to do that by getting over this breakup before giving it a chance with him. You just need to give it all time.

[sleeplessinslc]

Sometimes chemistry is immediate, and sometimes it takes time to build.

 

However, you likely find his sweetness to be overbearing or smothering, and simply don't find him to be "exciting" enough. We want what we can't have, and what's easy to get...we don't want so much.

 

So, I'll toss this out there: You'd probably like this guy more if he was less available and cared less.

 

He's not what you're looking for right now - you're looking for excitement, and he's stable and reliable, which you likely find boring.

 

HA! Exactly! My problem is I want a challenge. The ex gave me challenge and tadaa- ended up being dumped!

 

And you're right- excitement fades. What he offers me is something stable and constant- considering he's been around for monthsss. He gives me security- something I always ended up wanting from the ex.

 

Thanks for your wisdom.

[amaysngrace]

Rejection hurts everyone's feelings. Tell him straight up that you'll never be with him because you just aren't interested. Tell him you don't really even appreciate his friendship like you said here....you don't care one way or the other if he texts you, right?

 

Tell him the truth. Don't lead him on. I think that's crueler than rejecting him because you're giving him hope and keeping him around probably for your own benefit but just say you don't want to hurt his feelings and blah blah blah.

 

Let him go and let him move on. That's what's kind.

[Never Again]

I think about it now- and he's the right guy for me in so many ways. But I was too busy falling for the wrong guy. But yes, the timing is off if I give it a shot now.

 

I'll toss some food for thought out there because it might be worth it:

 

1.) As I said before, you'd probably like this guy more if he was less available and cared less. Right now he's put you on a pedestal and you don't find that attractive.

 

2.) He's definitely overbearing. Even if you did like him enough to give him a shot, he'd likely kill it because he's try too hard. He needs to tone it down and let things happen naturally.

 

3.) You may be somewhat "emotionally unavailable" yourself. We're all sort've taught to be that way nowadays, and that doesn't really help things. You can take a look yourself, but it generally means that you thrive on the energy of chaotic situations and that you're repulsed by men who are "too interested" in you.

 

Traumatic relationship history and getting hurt can lead to this. Sometimes it's temporary, sometimes not.

 

 

4.) The more attractive you find someone initially, the faster you should run away.

 

I know that sounds silly at first, but really think about it. There's something called the "bridge effect" that explains why (the basic idea is that fear and anxiety are frequently confused for attraction).

 

Think of it this way: the people you find most immediately "attractive" are people that excite you, but why do that excite you? That kind of immediate excitement is usually the product of negative characteristics.

 

These negative traits usually (not always) mean that commitment is questionable, and instill a constant "fear off loss" that keeps you bound to a relationship. It's unhealthy.

 

People who you feel a "middle-of-the-road" attraction for are usually worth investigating. They won't be as EXCITING and the "spark" won't be quite the same...but you're more likely to build genuine intimacy with...and that kind of intimacy is FAR more important in the long run that any "spark".

 

5.) That "spark" crap fades eventually in every LTR. It can stay longer in others, but it DOES fade. It's important to have at first to really bring two people together, but it's nothing to ever rely on. That sort of animal attraction is nature's way of saying "MAKE BABIES NOW!", and once that fades...that's when real unconditional intimacy takes it's place.

 

 

All of that intellectual crap aside, I'd suggest you cut this guy off entirely for awhile. Tell him it's nothing personal, but you need to be ALONE for awhile, and his pursuits are only making things complicated.

[sleeplessinslc]

Great answer. I really did try cutting him off completely but he always ends up almost "begging" to keep the communication lines open- because he says he really can't bear the thought of not talking to me. I told him that doing that damages his self-respect. But he says he know what he's doing.

 

Right now he understands that it is not the right time to get together. I just wish he'd find something else to keep him busy.

 

He's 36 but only had one serious girlfriend in his life. It's nice that he doesn't play "games" -- no guessing, nothing like that. But he does get a bit overbearing with the show of affection and this isn't attractive at all- like you said.

[Never Again]

HA! Exactly! My problem is I want a challenge. The ex gave me challenge and tadaa- ended up being dumped!

 

And you're right- excitement fades. What he offers me is something stable and constant- considering he's been around for monthsss. He gives me security- something I always ended up wanting from the ex.

 

Thanks for your wisdom.

 

Wow, my last post was full of typos.

 

I've only gained this wisdom by living it, unfortunately.

 

I still don't know if I was too "easy to catch" or if I was just a rebound in my last relationship (she fell for me HARD, but felt the "spark" fade after 10 months together), but when she left...she didn't know why the "spark" had faded because I was "perfect" for her in so many ways (granted, I had a really rough 6-7 weeks where I was sort of a doormat because I was depressed).

 

Let me tell you, it's heartbreaking for a man to get dumped while being told he's "perfect". It's a real gut-punch, because it basically means the woman leaving us thinks we're boring.

 

Don't do that to this guy. If you think he's a decent guy, maybe clue him in to the fact that he's a little overbearing to the point where he seems needy and insecure, but don't date him unless you think it's REALLY the right choice.

 

Heal from your last breakup, and then reassess when you're comfortable by yourself.

 

Life selfishly for awhile. You'd be amazed how beneficial that can be.

 

------EDIT-------

 

It's nice that he doesn't play "games" -- no guessing, nothing like that. But he does get a bit overbearing with the show of affection and this isn't attractive at all- like you said.

 

If you haven't told him any of that yet, DO IT!

 

I cannot tell you how refreshing it is that you not only see this, but that you completely acknowledge it's affect.

 

Even if you decide not to date him, communication is handy and he needs to know he's crossing some boundaries.

 

Even more importantly, he needs to know that he's sabotaging his chances...not just with you, but with any woman he may behave like this with in the future.

 

Men are often told we need to pursue, but pursuing AND being a "challenge" (I HATE that term, by the way, haha) is difficult. Sometimes you just want to "catch" someone and settle into a healthy, supportive relationship.

 

However, that may be where HE'S at. If you're not on the same page of wanting to potentially "settle down", then it's best to avoid. That's likely what he's looking for if he's trying so hard.

Edited January 29, 2014 by Pfenixphire

[Purepony]

Yes please leave this guy tell him no and stand to it tell him no I can't date you because you're the right guy I need to go find a guy thats going to treat me like crap because that's what you want... or tell this nice guy to treat you like crap so that you can chase him.

[Purepony]

Stick to your guns girl and by next week you could be in panic mode chasing a top grade A usd approved @$$-Hole

[Never Again]

Yes please leave this guy tell him no and stand to it tell him no I can't date you because you're the right guy I need to go find a guy thats going to treat me like crap because that's what you want... or tell this nice guy to treat you like crap so that you can chase him.

 

Stick to your guns girl and by next week you could be in panic mode chasing a top grade A usd approved @$$-Hole

 

Bitter, party of one.

[sleeplessinslc]

Bitter, party of one.

 

lol.

 

He does have a point. But I sense a lot of anger and bitterness in his reply. I don't blame him.

[sleeplessinslc]

Do you think now that he is the right guy because the last one hurt you so much? I had thought this exact same thing. After the breakup with my ex, I though this other girl was the right girl...she may be, idk, but definitley not now. I then realized with this other girl (long distance), my emotions were always up, then down, whenever we'd see each other. I feel like I started looking for the "good" and others being the "right" person, because the previous girl hurt me so much...perhaps its the same for you.

 

There's nothing you can do....that's all on him. He has to be the one to move forward with his life. You have to do that by getting over this breakup before giving it a chance with him. You just need to give it all time.

 

Well, yeah right now I see just how sharp the contrast is. But not just because the ex hurt me. If I try to be objective in comparing both -they are worlds apart.

 

Ex- cheated on his wife while she was pregnant

Guy 2- stood by his ex even when his mother disapproved ( Okay, so it's really hard to compare..but..you get my point...ex is a big do uche)

 

Ex- stuck in a job he hates for 15 years now

Guy 2- flourishing career

 

Ex- has 3 kids

Guy 2 - no kids (but dad lives with him)

 

Ex- hangs out with people half his age

Guy 2- i doubt he hangs out with people half his age

 

Ex- indecisive- broke up and made up with his ex many times, even if he knew (well, he says) it was a dysfunctional relationship

Guy 2- no ex issues

 

Ex- I don't know if it's love or just being dumb but his ex gf cheated on him on their last year together , and also he caught her in bed with her married boss

Guy 2- no ex issues

 

Why I fell for the ex? Well-I was being dumb.

 

PS. This is so therapeutic just writing about it.

 

PPPS. Just today, I saw the ex's post on Instagram. He appears to be back together with his ex that cheated on him. And this is just 2 weeks after he declared that he's not ready for a relationship ( well, now I know what he means- not ready for ME because he's stuck with the ex)

[Never Again]

lol.

 

He does have a point. But I sense a lot of anger and bitterness in his reply. I don't blame him.

 

Well, yes...there was a point, but the delivery was needlessly angry.

 

I know where he's coming from too - my own ex claimed I was amazing and that our relationship should've been perfect, but that she didn't feel the same spark she felt in the beginning (the spark lasted in her crappy relationships with exciting assh*les), so she left me and is probably chasing guys she finds less boring - but I'm not going to be bitter and mean to strangers about it.

 

Especially someone who's self-aware of the "problem".

[recklesslove]

Coming from someone who is madly in love with someone that told her she is the perfect girl, its not the perfect time, it just sounds like an excuse. Yes, timing is everything but if he really is the right guy, then HE IS THE RIGHT GUY! Dont let your past relationship ruin this new one!

[sleeplessinslc]

Coming from someone who is madly in love with someone that told her she is the perfect girl, its not the perfect time, it just sounds like an excuse. Yes, timing is everything but if he really is the right guy, then HE IS THE RIGHT GUY! Dont let your past relationship ruin this new one!

 

Please explain why it's an excuse? So you mean - if it didn't work the first time, it won't work the next time- even that it's a fresh new situation?

 

 

Oh and thanks for replying too! I appreciate every single bit of advice here. It's really helping me out.

[sleeplessinslc]

Coming from someone who is madly in love with someone that told her she is the perfect girl, its not the perfect time, it just sounds like an excuse. Yes, timing is everything but if he really is the right guy, then HE IS THE RIGHT GUY! Dont let your past relationship ruin this new one!

 

Thinking about it - the ex's closing line with me was " You're absolutely amazing, but now is just not the right time" .

 

I definitely see some parallels between ex and me and new guy and me. I fear that I'm starting to sound like the ex - saying that new guy is perfect but it's just not the right time. Ack! But the only difference is , I WOULD NEVER go back to the ex.

 

It's not the right time for me and new guy- because I've just been dumped and if we get together NOW - it's would just be rebound as I have not completely detoxified myself of the ex. I don't wish him well and still have bitter feelings.

 

On the other hand, ex said it's not the right time for him and me to get serious because- he's not ready and he can't give me 100%. And that he's not ready for a serious relationship. And gets back with his ex.

 

Thus the bitterness.