Els Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Today I went over to his place to do some laundry (our laundry machine is broken), and he said he had a present for me. It was a picture framed, from an antique postcard of the city we live in. He knows I love stuff like this and bought it yesterday in the city when he took a walk. I thought it was so cute... haha. Now he wants to take me to the ballet on the weekend.. Cause he knows I like stuff like this. I see these two moves as two steps into my direction - because I have voiced to him that I am looking for more of a commitment and he seems to be trying to show me his way that he wants this too but needs more time. What I do intend to do... Be cool and enjoy, I guess, and if nothing happens until my birthday (in three weeks) that will show that he is ok with the LABEL GF/BF, then I will probably tell him that this might not work for me... Not sure... Sounds like a good idea. Good luck! What is a BF GF relationship a commitment to? If not to be together forever then....perhaps... a commitment to not date anyone else. No... you can be casually dating and yet not necessarily dating anyone else at the same time. For instance, you don't really do much together, don't introduce them to friends/family, don't make any plans for the future together, don't help each other out much, are gone at the slightest whiff of trouble, etc. You get the drift. Commitment is about how you act in your R and how you view it. Exclusivity just means that you're not dating anyone else regardless of how casual/committed you are. Obviously to some people the two are one and the same, but it's not wise to immediately assume such.
Author lamaga Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 No... you can be casually dating and yet not necessarily dating anyone else at the same time. For instance, you don't really do much together, don't introduce them to friends/family, don't make any plans for the future together, don't help each other out much, are gone at the slightest whiff of trouble, etc. You get the drift. Commitment is about how you act in your R and how you view it. Exclusivity just means that you're not dating anyone else regardless of how casual/committed you are. Obviously to some people the two are one and the same, but it's not wise to immediately assume such. Interesting you mention this. because we see each other EVERY DAY and he helps me a lot, and we DO make plans for the future together, i have met a bunch of his friends and whatnot. Boyfriend-y things. Well, will see...
StanMusial Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Maybe he wants to keep the door cracked open.
Els Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Interesting you mention this. because we see each other EVERY DAY and he helps me a lot, and we DO make plans for the future together, i have met a bunch of his friends and whatnot. Boyfriend-y things. Well, will see... Yep, that looks good, then. You have to look at the whole picture, IMO. Oftentimes actions speak louder than words. That being said, not saying the words is also different from being evasive when explicitly asked. So you have to take that into consideration. 1
Author lamaga Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 Yep, that looks good, then. You have to look at the whole picture, IMO. Oftentimes actions speak louder than words. That being said, not saying the words is also different from being evasive when explicitly asked. So you have to take that into consideration. What do you mean by that?
kaylan Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 (edited) Then just call him boyfriend and call it a day. I had this issue in the past with a girl who didnt want to rush labels. This was a few years back. It had come up prior to this exchange, and we both mentioned we didnt wanna rush anything. So anyways we had been dating a few weeks, and I was about to go with a friend of mine to visit another friends university during spring break. My ex was obviously worried, and it showed. Though she knew I was crazy about her, she still worried about a college aged guy going miles and miles away to party with friends for spring break. We stayed in the cold northeast and did mostly dorm partying, but it was still enough to make her worry. So before I left I decided to bring up the relationship subject. I asked her "so what would you call us? Are we boyfriend and girlfriend?". And she says "I dunno how ready for that I am yet". Which at the time was understandable because her previous relationship ended very badly. So I basically just said "look, we really enjoy one another, we arent dating anyone else...so youre my girlfriend...ok?". And I could hear the happiness in her voice when she asked me to repeat that. I got the most passionate kiss when I got back home. Basically OP, sometimes you have to just tell the other person how you want things to be. And if you dont get what you want, you move on. Edited February 1, 2014 by kaylan 2
Author lamaga Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 I had this issue in the past with a girl who didnt want to rush labels. This was a few years back. It had come up prior to this exchange, and we both mentioned we didnt wanna rush anything. So anyways we had been dating a few weeks, and I was about to go with a friend of mine to visit another friends university during spring break. My ex was obviously worried, and it showed. Though she knew I was crazy about her, she still worried about a college aged guy going miles and miles away to party with friends for spring break. We stayed in the cold northeast and did mostly dorm partying, but it was still enough to make her worry. So before I left I decided to bring up the relationship subject. I asked her "so what would you call us? Are we boyfriend and girlfriend?". And she says "I dunno how ready for that I am yet". Which at the time was understandable because her previous relationship ended very badly. So I basically just said "look, we really enjoy one another, we arent dating anyone else...so youre my girlfriend...ok?". And I could hear the happiness in her voice when she asked me to repeat that. I got the most passionate kiss when I got back home. Basically OP, sometimes you have to just tell the other person how you want things to be. And if you dont get what you want, you move on. I think that for now I am done popping the boyfriend question again. He said yesterday that I am the most amazing woman he has met in his entire life, so I think I am fine with that for now - he will probably step forward very soon! <3
tutrevealed Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 well that's just it...we always try to label it. My advice ... just let things happen. Playing your cards right (or wrong) you're sure to find the answer out eventually. Let me tell you one thing about guys...if they're NOT into you...they certainly are NOT offering to help you with things...when they offer their 'manly' services to you (as in hooking up the machine) they genuinely care...they just show it in ways that we women tend to not notice (like taking out the garbage or washing your car for you)
Stvnssam Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 I have not read through all replies so I'm not sure what other people have said but here is my opinion: I read through the conversation and I noticed a major mistake from you and here it is: Do you want to be my boyfriend? I guess so! Hello not a good thing to say little wonder the poor bloke started acting strange you should have said yes or I would love to be your girlfriend then you would not have got the response you got. You were basically begging him to ask you the important question he took the hint and told you what you wanted to hear and you say I guess so, I'm sorry but if I was a bloke I'd be pissed and started acting strange with you too. That was a very bad response from you and you got a bad response back which in my opinion makes perfect sense.
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 I dunno, his evasivness would make me uncomfortable. 2
Els Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 What do you mean by that? I meant that if he just hadn't taken the initiative to call you his girlfriend, it isn't so bad, because it might just have slipped his mind to say it, even if he thought you were. On the other hand you ASKED him what you were and he hummed and hawed about it. That is worse. 1
Author lamaga Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 I meant that if he just hadn't taken the initiative to call you his girlfriend, it isn't so bad, because it might just have slipped his mind to say it, even if he thought you were. On the other hand you ASKED him what you were and he hummed and hawed about it. That is worse. Well, I have an UPDATE: The other night we finally came about this subject again in a conversation and he told me that he was thinking this whole time I wasn't interested in him (or at least not in something 'serious') because I would barely ask him anything about his life or his family, etc. I told him that's not true, that I would hold back asking questions because the more I'd find out about him the more I would fall for him, and I was scared to invest so much not knowing if he was serious about me/us. Turns out he thought I was just disinterested... And he was worried we wouldn't get closer on an emotional level because of that. He said he wants me to always be able to talk about everything with him. He was being so sweet. Then I cried and got emotional, which I felt embarrassed about. "I am sorry I'm crying, I know it's unattractive" "Bull****, I don't give a **** about that, you know that, come on. Come here" And he hugged and kissed me and said "This is good. This is important. I am glad we are getting this out of the way"... Ever since then things have been AMAZING. He is more open (tells me stories about his life), more sweet (wants to see me every day), more attentive (which he already was) and I finally know and feel that we belong together. Thanks for all your comments. 1
FitChick Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 he told me that he was thinking this whole time I wasn't interested in him... I told him that's not true, that I would hold back asking questions because the more I'd find out about him the more I would fall for him, and I was scared to invest so much not knowing if he was serious about me/us. People 'shoot themselves in the foot' like this all the time. 1
Phantom888 Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Wait... 2 months of intensive dating and amazing sex, and you still haven't figured out what the relationship is? You do NOT want to be with a guy who can't define the relationship after having sex with you. If you spend all that time together to get to know each other, you shouldn't have to put a label.... it's assumed you are in a relationship. If a guy gets all weird about defining and labeling a relationship, he is not a man...he's an immature selfish boy who just wants to get what he wants and does not want to commit to something real. Men who are afraid of relationships are cowards. They should grow some balls before they bone another girl. What is up with all these superior women settling for cowardly boys? I just don't get it. 1
Phantom888 Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Well, I have an UPDATE: Turns out he thought I was just disinterested... And he was worried we wouldn't get closer on an emotional level because of that. He said he wants me to always be able to talk about everything with him. He was being so sweet. Then I cried and got emotional, which I felt embarrassed about. "I am sorry I'm crying, I know it's unattractive" "Bull****, I don't give a **** about that, you know that, come on. Come here" And he hugged and kissed me and said "This is good. This is important. I am glad we are getting this out of the way"... Ever since then things have been AMAZING. He is more open (tells me stories about his life), more sweet (wants to see me every day), more attentive (which he already was) and I finally know and feel that we belong together. Thanks for all your comments. Please report back in 2 months. I am skeptical. How can anyone assume the girl is not interested after spending all that time together and having all that sex? Sounds kinda like a smokescreen to deflect the burning question. Again, action speaks louder than words, so you'll know if he is sincere soon enough. I wish you both success. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Well, I have an UPDATE: The other night we finally came about this subject again in a conversation and he told me that he was thinking this whole time I wasn't interested in him (or at least not in something 'serious') because I would barely ask him anything about his life or his family, etc. I told him that's not true, that I would hold back asking questions because the more I'd find out about him the more I would fall for him, and I was scared to invest so much not knowing if he was serious about me/us. Turns out he thought I was just disinterested... And he was worried we wouldn't get closer on an emotional level because of that. He said he wants me to always be able to talk about everything with him. He was being so sweet. Then I cried and got emotional, which I felt embarrassed about. "I am sorry I'm crying, I know it's unattractive" "Bull****, I don't give a **** about that, you know that, come on. Come here" And he hugged and kissed me and said "This is good. This is important. I am glad we are getting this out of the way"... Ever since then things have been AMAZING. He is more open (tells me stories about his life), more sweet (wants to see me every day), more attentive (which he already was) and I finally know and feel that we belong together. Thanks for all your comments. How is that possible when you asked if he was your boyfriend? I'm sorry, I don't mean to be the nay-sayer. But it rather sounds like he's putting this on you rather than admitting he's uncomfortable with the title of "boyfriend", for whatever reason. He may have had some doubts about your feelings, but come on, it couldn't have been that unclear to him. In any case...hopefully you're both on the same page at this point. It does appear as though he really cares and wants to continue seeing you. To come back to the original issue in this thread, are you calling each boyfriend and girlfriend, or are you going to hold off on that for a while longer? 3
Author lamaga Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 How is that possible when you asked if he was your boyfriend? I'm sorry, I don't mean to be the nay-sayer. But it rather sounds like he's putting this on you rather than admitting he's uncomfortable with the title of "boyfriend", for whatever reason. He may have had some doubts about your feelings, but come on, it couldn't have been that unclear to him. In any case...hopefully you're both on the same page at this point. It does appear as though he really cares and wants to continue seeing you. To come back to the original issue in this thread, are you calling each boyfriend and girlfriend, or are you going to hold off on that for a while longer? Well, I think that the way I asked was maybe a bit condescending sounding... "So,.. are you like what, my boyfriend now?" - in hindsight I often find myself realising that I might have interpreted certain situations wrong. It seems as if he is actually REALLY shy and has issues talking about his feelings. The times that he told me that he likes me, that he wants to be with only me and that I make him happy, I could always tell that it took him a lot to say these things. He is more of an action person than a word person. And I think the word person only comes through once he is 100% sure he can trust me - I have this sense that he is really really loyal and committed once he made up his mind. I can feel he is on the verge of breaking through that wall with me. I do refer to him as my boyfriend to everyone now, but I haven't said it to him. Yesterday I rang his doorbell and his roommate picked up the speakerphone and said "Hello!!! It's your boyfriend talking!" it was kind of funny. I think he is comfortable with the term, I think he talks to other people about me and about us and it is clear to everyone and also him WHAT we are. In the talk we had he actually said "I know so much about you already. I mean, do you even know what my parents' work is? I know even all your family members' pet-nicknames! your mom is the Cat! your grandma the Mouse! your aunt is the Duck!.." (my family is a bit weird and they all have these nicknames) At that point I just kissed him and I told him how sorry I was that I have been seeming to not be interested in him. I really was just scared of all the feelings that came along with getting to know him really well. I told him that I do want to get to know him very well. He said that he is glad because he thought I didn't care about him in that way (that I just wanted to have fun until the Summer). I guess at this point it should be added again that I am 5 years older than him. He knows I am experienced and had meaningful relationships. He knows I am an emotional and passionate lover and he obviously likes that. He is not the kind of guy who runs away from responsibility or commitment - he even stated he wants something substantial, and when he is in something then he is in it for good. All my friends who have met him tell me he seems very mature and much older than 21. I think we both are just trying to make sure that we don't get hurt. He is a really good guy and all my friends and even his friends tell me that, and we are lucky to have each other, just both too stupid to see it. I guess I need to just have good faith and be happy that things are going into a great direction.. even if it is a bit slow, because he is not so good with words.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Well, just remember not to twist yourself into pretzels trying to make this about your issues and gloss over his role in this. Heck, he's got you apologizing to him for being a little distant when he's the one avoiding the boyfriend label. It sounds like you're trying to rationalize his ambiguity and convince yourself that he really does feel something for you, even if he's not comfortable calling himself your boyfriend yet. He's obviously into you. Enjoy what you have; relax and appreciate what's developed so far. But don't be afraid to ask for what you want, and don't let any guy turn the tables and make you stumble all over yourself trying to fit his idea of a relationship if it doesn't sit so well with yours.
FitChick Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I think we both are just trying to make sure that we don't get hurt. Impossible. There are no guarantees in relationships or marriage.
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 OP be careful. If he really wanted to put your mind at ease he would have said "I am your boyfriend". All the round about actions are so that you feel comfortable in staying without commitment. This way when he leaves he can tell himself "I am not a bad guy. We weren't serious".
Emilia Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Well, I have an UPDATE: The other night we finally came about this subject again in a conversation and he told me that he was thinking this whole time I wasn't interested in him (or at least not in something 'serious') because I would barely ask him anything about his life or his family, etc. I told him that's not true, that I would hold back asking questions because the more I'd find out about him the more I would fall for him, and I was scared to invest so much not knowing if he was serious about me/us. Turns out he thought I was just disinterested... And he was worried we wouldn't get closer on an emotional level because of that. He said he wants me to always be able to talk about everything with him. He was being so sweet. Then I cried and got emotional, which I felt embarrassed about. "I am sorry I'm crying, I know it's unattractive" "Bull****, I don't give a **** about that, you know that, come on. Come here" And he hugged and kissed me and said "This is good. This is important. I am glad we are getting this out of the way"... Ever since then things have been AMAZING. He is more open (tells me stories about his life), more sweet (wants to see me every day), more attentive (which he already was) and I finally know and feel that we belong together. Thanks for all your comments. Sounds wonderful, very pleased for you OP. Ignore all the bitter nay-sayers. You two will be fine!!!!!!!! :bunny: 1
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