winny Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 OP - You are thinking too much. Give him some slack From the conversation, I feel he is okay with it. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 lamaga, don't listen to the noise that the other posters are giving you. It's all noise. What's important is how you feel about the situation that he was being evasive of the label. The fact that you are bringing it up means it's important to you, and I agree that it is important. Don't let the naysayers on here bring you down telling you that you need to chill. I was in a similar situation with my last ex-girlfriend. She didn't want to put a label on the relationship, even though we did everything a normal couple did. Turns out, she was still in love with her ex-boyfriend and couldn't move on. Since your "boyfriend" is five years younger than you, it could mean he isn't mature enough for labels. You did say he has trouble communicating. Maybe there is more trouble with him beyond communication? A confident person would have no trouble accepting the relationship status of labels, especially after two months of intimacy. 3
Author lamaga Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 I think the bottom line is that you have different perspectives. You thought it appropriate to use the term boyfriend, he didn't. You said you're exclusive; does he want it to remain that way? I understand that people sometimes don't see the big deal about labels, but they are sometimes also avoiding a commitment. How does he introduce you to other people? He hasn't really introduced me to anyone, other than using my name. At the party I invited him to where he met MY friends, one of my close male friends said "Is this your ... gentleman friend?" and I said "yes, that's him!" and the two shook hands - it was kind of cute... And it seemed as if he liked it. I wouldn't know what kind of other commitment it would be to put a label on it, simply because... we really are committed to each other. He said he doesn't want to be with anybody else and I am basically his dream girl.
Author lamaga Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 lamaga, don't listen to the noise that the other posters are giving you. It's all noise. What's important is how you feel about the situation that he was being evasive of the label. The fact that you are bringing it up means it's important to you, and I agree that it is important. Don't let the naysayers on here bring you down telling you that you need to chill. I was in a similar situation with my last ex-girlfriend. She didn't want to put a label on the relationship, even though we did everything a normal couple did. Turns out, she was still in love with her ex-boyfriend and couldn't move on. Since your "boyfriend" is five years younger than you, it could mean he isn't mature enough for labels. You did say he has trouble communicating. Maybe there is more trouble with him beyond communication? A confident person would have no trouble accepting the relationship status of labels, especially after two months of intimacy. I know right. This is weird, eh? well, he was in a 2 year relationship before, but that broke off 1,5 years ago. He also says that he loves everything we do and that I am perfect, I doubt he is in love with someone else, this guy is just crazy about me and tells me every day. But he is REALLY BAD with words. But I really have strong feelings for him and I am falling in love... I don't think his age has to do with maturity, he is more mature in many ways than older guys I have dated. He is 22 in a bit more than a month and I am 27 in three weeks. It's not that bad of a age difference.
lolablue17 Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 write a few definitions "what is a boyfriend" for you. then ask him sentence by sentence, for example: 1. Are you commited only to me? 2. are you obliged not to date, sleep, kiss anyone else? 3. do you love me? etc etc.... And if he says yes to all your questions, you can declare: "OK, you are my boyfriend, you can call it any name you choose, i'll call you my boyfriend". 1
Frank2thepoint Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 He hasn't really introduced me to anyone, other than using my name. Does he have friends? Have you met his friends? After two months, he has met your friends, how come he hasn't introduced you to his? This seems already odd to me. It's something to pay attention to. He said he doesn't want to be with anybody else and I am basically his dream girl. It's amazing how he can tell you all these wonderful things to you, such that you are his dream girl, but he can't say something simple as you are his girlfriend and he is your boyfriend. I know right. This is weird, eh? well, he was in a 2 year relationship before, but that broke off 1,5 years ago. He also says that he loves everything we do and that I am perfect, I doubt he is in love with someone else, this guy is just crazy about me and tells me every day. But he is REALLY BAD with words. But I really have strong feelings for him and I am falling in love... I don't think his age has to do with maturity, he is more mature in many ways than older guys I have dated. He is 22 in a bit more than a month and I am 27 in three weeks. It's not that bad of a age difference. Forgive me, I met to refer to relationship maturity. He may be a mature individual that is responsible, holds down a job, pursues goals, handles criticism, etc.. But I was referring to his maturity in a relationship. His young age explains his communication trouble, but it also explains his inexperience. In addition, his age also explains why he doesn't want to label the relationship. He probably wants to keep himself open, especially landing a wonderful gal such as yourself, his ego must be really high right now.
soccerrprp Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I listen to everyone talking about labels are not important AND YET it becomes painfully difficult to simply say "I'm your bf or gf?" It doesn't matter how reasonable the explanations are, I just don't get why one can't do something as clear and SIMPLE, painless, etc. and say it? 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I'm in the UK and my age group all have the exclusivity talk. If you don't have it, it's presumed the other person can date, or is dating others. I've literally never heard of the 'if you spend a lot of time together, wake up together, and are exclusive you're boyfriend and girlfriend' concept before! Personally until I've had that discussion about what's going on between us, I'm still single and so is he. From my experience it's often when things start getting hot and heavy, if I genuinely like somebody I won't have sex with them unless I know where it's going, as I think it would be a lot more painful if it turned out to mean nothing to them once we'd slept together. So in the past I've basically slowed things down physically and said that I'm not looking for casual sex, and then the guy has usually taken that as his cue to talk about what's going on between us and tell me he wants us to be together. Obviously some guys might be saying that for sex but I go by my gut instinct and I haven't been burnt with that just yet
soccerrprp Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I'm in the UK and my age group all have the exclusivity talk. If you don't have it, it's presumed the other person can date, or is dating others. I've literally never heard of the 'if you spend a lot of time together, wake up together, and are exclusive you're boyfriend and girlfriend' concept before! Are you people in the UK actually considered Europeans??? Joking. Or am I? Ah, but we can always count on our cousins across the Atlantic to be more like us, less European. Okay, joking again.
FitChick Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Just start introducing him as "My boyfriend Fritz" and act like he is your boyfriend whenever the subject comes up in conversation with him or others: "Zelda asked me to a party on Friday and I asked her if I could bring my boyfriend." If he is going somewhere with a group, "Ask them if it's okay if you bring your girlfriend." Eventually the habit will rub off on him and he'll do this naturally. I wouldn't bring up the topic again. 3
Author lamaga Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 Does he have friends? Have you met his friends? After two months, he has met your friends, how come he hasn't introduced you to his? This seems already odd to me. It's something to pay attention to. It's amazing how he can tell you all these wonderful things to you, such that you are his dream girl, but he can't say something simple as you are his girlfriend and he is your boyfriend. Forgive me, I met to refer to relationship maturity. He may be a mature individual that is responsible, holds down a job, pursues goals, handles criticism, etc.. But I was referring to his maturity in a relationship. His young age explains his communication trouble, but it also explains his inexperience. In addition, his age also explains why he doesn't want to label the relationship. He probably wants to keep himself open, especially landing a wonderful gal such as yourself, his ego must be really high right now. Yes, but most of his friends are not in town right now, since we are on break, and had break for the past 6 weeks - most of our dating time. The first two weeks i met his best female friend and best male friend at a party and they liked me and I liked them and we had a lot of fun together. That was at an early stage of us dating though. After a month of dating his 3 best friends from his hometown visited here and I met them briefly at a cafe where he openly kissed me in front of them to say hello, but I was with a friend so we didn't really hang out with his buddies - they also only were there for one day and that was new years eve. But yeah, I think he wants to hang out with me and his friends. I also am friendly with all his roommates, who he considers his friends. They always joke "Hey lamaga, you moving in now, or what?", cause I am there so often. He always smiles when they make these jokes. I'm in the UK and my age group all have the exclusivity talk. If you don't have it, it's presumed the other person can date, or is dating others. I've literally never heard of the 'if you spend a lot of time together, wake up together, and are exclusive you're boyfriend and girlfriend' concept before! Personally until I've had that discussion about what's going on between us, I'm still single and so is he. From my experience it's often when things start getting hot and heavy, if I genuinely like somebody I won't have sex with them unless I know where it's going, as I think it would be a lot more painful if it turned out to mean nothing to them once we'd slept together. So in the past I've basically slowed things down physically and said that I'm not looking for casual sex, and then the guy has usually taken that as his cue to talk about what's going on between us and tell me he wants us to be together. Obviously some guys might be saying that for sex but I go by my gut instinct and I haven't been burnt with that just yet WE have had sex since the second date, but over the past 2 months our sexlife went from just being hot and heavy to extremely passionate and intimate. It is more romantic now, he puts effort in putting up candles, making it cozy... There is endless foreplay and after-play, if I may call it that, and he sometimes even just wants me over so we can fall asleep together...
Mrlonelyone Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 (edited) OP having had sex since the second date does not mean you are his exclusive girlfriend. You could be his main woman, his girl friday etc. There is still some doubt. As for not being introduced to any of his friends or family that's a big yellow flag. The whole idea of going ahead without the labels assumes he's acting like a boyfriend. IMO you should just introduce him as your boyfriend and take the initiative from now on. Use the word boyfriend to refer to him and see how he responds. I've just got this vision of me and the bloke taking our parents out to dinner and saying to them "we have something to tell you.... we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend". I'd imagine my parents wiping a tear away and hugging us (rather than pissing themselves laughing, which is what the reality would be). I know that's not what happens, but it's what comes to mind. Some people here put so much gravitas into this bf/gf talk. It genuinely puzzles us, it feels like we're 8 years old again. In my last relationship, with M, her father asked me so...whats the nature of the relationship with his daughter was. i said. It depends on how she feels on any given day. Somedays she's all over me the others she acts like she can't stand me. I go into school and somedays I hope she's not there so I can get some work done then on those days we wind up having the most fun. She is my dearest friend...John Adams wrote that to his wife and they were married for 50 years. That's what we are. He told me pretty much every married man knows how I feel.(Context: were were visiting her hometown as part of a trip to a conference and staying in a hotel. He also told me what happens at those conferences stays that those kind of conferences.) Edited January 29, 2014 by Mrlonelyone
ExpatInItaly Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Yes, but most of his friends are not in town right now, since we are on break, and had break for the past 6 weeks - most of our dating time. The first two weeks i met his best female friend and best male friend at a party and they liked me and I liked them and we had a lot of fun together. That was at an early stage of us dating though. After a month of dating his 3 best friends from his hometown visited here and I met them briefly at a cafe where he openly kissed me in front of them to say hello, but I was with a friend so we didn't really hang out with his buddies - they also only were there for one day and that was new years eve. But yeah, I think he wants to hang out with me and his friends. I also am friendly with all his roommates, who he considers his friends. They always joke "Hey lamaga, you moving in now, or what?", cause I am there so often. He always smiles when they make these jokes. WE have had sex since the second date, but over the past 2 months our sexlife went from just being hot and heavy to extremely passionate and intimate. It is more romantic now, he puts effort in putting up candles, making it cozy... There is endless foreplay and after-play, if I may call it that, and he sometimes even just wants me over so we can fall asleep together... This is what I find peculiar. He lavishes you with attention, affection and so on. But he's resisting putting a name on it. That would make me a bit uneasy, so I can easily understand why you are, too. It seems like the actions and the words don't quite line up and its' confusing.
todreaminblue Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I didnt have to talk about it...he introduced to me to his friends and family as his gf.......i thought cool....we are bf and gf
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Are you people in the UK actually considered Europeans??? Joking. Or am I? Ah, but we can always count on our cousins across the Atlantic to be more like us, less European. Okay, joking again. Haha! I have no idea actually, are we considered European? I suppose I rarely think of myself as European, just British/English. Maybe in mainland Europe things are done differently
Author lamaga Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 OP having had sex since the second date does not mean you are his exclusive girlfriend. You could be his main woman, his girl friday etc. There is still some doubt. As for not being introduced to any of his friends or family that's a big yellow flag. The whole idea of going ahead without the labels assumes he's acting like a boyfriend. IMO you should just introduce him as your boyfriend and take the initiative from now on. Use the word boyfriend to refer to him and see how he responds. He said 4 weeks into us dating that he is NOT seeing anybody else and that he only wants to see me. I haven't met his friends because they are still not in town and his family also lives somewhere else, since we are living abroad where we study. Today he took me to this really nice brunch and took a photo of me, said he would send it to his father. I thought that was cute. He then also said that 2 months is not a long time for him to get to know someone - he said he likes me a lot but he wants to get to know me even better and spend more time with me and thinks that everything will come automatically/fall into place, and that I worry too much about things. He reassured me that he is there for me and that he is crazy about me. This helped ease my mind somewhat, I guess... Let's see what happens next.
Els Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 (edited) For the record, exclusivity is quite different from commitment, which is what the bf/gf label implies (to me, anyway). Obviously, you need exclusivity to have commitment, but just because someone isn't dating anyone else doesn't necessarily mean they are committed yet. They might still consider your R to be more of a casual dating thing despite not dating anyone else at this time. Based on his evasiveness, I'd wager that he isn't quite on the same page as you, OP. But, that isn't necessarily a 'kick him to the curb' thing. If you are truly in love with him and he is treating you well (via actions), then perhaps just give it some time. After a while, he may arrive at the same page and will be less evasive. You have to decide how much time is acceptable to you, of course. Edited January 31, 2014 by Elswyth 2
Author lamaga Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 For the record, exclusivity is quite different from commitment, which is what the bf/gf label implies (to me, anyway). Obviously, you need exclusivity to have commitment, but just because someone isn't dating anyone else doesn't necessarily mean they are committed yet. They might still consider your R to be more of a casual dating thing despite not dating anyone else at this time. Based on his evasiveness, I'd wager that he isn't quite on the same page as you, OP. But, that isn't necessarily a 'kick him to the curb' thing. If you are truly in love with him and he is treating you well (via actions), then perhaps just give it some time. After a while, he may arrive at the same page and will be less evasive. You have to decide how much time is acceptable to you, of course. Yes, I think that's the thing. And he told me exactly that in different words, I guess. He said he needs more time to get to know me better, because 2 months is quite a short time for him to open up to someone the way maybe I open up. He said I should not worry so much and things will fall into place.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 For the record, exclusivity is quite different from commitment, which is what the bf/gf label implies (to me, anyway). Obviously, you need exclusivity to have commitment, but just because someone isn't dating anyone else doesn't necessarily mean they are committed yet. They might still consider your R to be more of a casual dating thing despite not dating anyone else at this time. Based on his evasiveness, I'd wager that he isn't quite on the same page as you, OP. But, that isn't necessarily a 'kick him to the curb' thing. If you are truly in love with him and he is treating you well (via actions), then perhaps just give it some time. After a while, he may arrive at the same page and will be less evasive. You have to decide how much time is acceptable to you, of course. Commitment = marriage. The idea that a BF GF relationship should last indefinitely is the reason people shy away from the title. 1
Els Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Commitment = marriage. The idea that a BF GF relationship should last indefinitely is the reason people shy away from the title. No... marriage is a 'lifetime' commitment, whereas bf/gf is a commitment that can be more easily broken if things don't work out. There are people who don't view it that way, but there are some who do, and certainly not everyone equates commitment to marriage. 1
Els Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Yes, I think that's the thing. And he told me exactly that in different words, I guess. He said he needs more time to get to know me better, because 2 months is quite a short time for him to open up to someone the way maybe I open up. He said I should not worry so much and things will fall into place. Ah, okay. What do you intend to do?
Author lamaga Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 Ah, okay. What do you intend to do? Today I went over to his place to do some laundry (our laundry machine is broken), and he said he had a present for me. It was a picture framed, from an antique postcard of the city we live in. He knows I love stuff like this and bought it yesterday in the city when he took a walk. I thought it was so cute... haha. Now he wants to take me to the ballet on the weekend.. Cause he knows I like stuff like this. I see these two moves as two steps into my direction - because I have voiced to him that I am looking for more of a commitment and he seems to be trying to show me his way that he wants this too but needs more time. What I do intend to do... Be cool and enjoy, I guess, and if nothing happens until my birthday (in three weeks) that will show that he is ok with the LABEL GF/BF, then I will probably tell him that this might not work for me... Not sure...
Mrlonelyone Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 No... marriage is a 'lifetime' commitment, whereas bf/gf is a commitment that can be more easily broken if things don't work out. There are people who don't view it that way, but there are some who do, and certainly not everyone equates commitment to marriage. What is a BF GF relationship a commitment to? If not to be together forever then....perhaps... a commitment to not date anyone else.
Author lamaga Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 What is a BF GF relationship a commitment to? If not to be together forever then....perhaps... a commitment to not date anyone else. Exactly, so I wonder why he can not SAY it! Obviously he doesn't wanna date anyone else, he has shown that AND voiced it more than once.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Exactly, so I wonder why he can not SAY it! Obviously he doesn't wanna date anyone else, he has shown that AND voiced it more than once. Then just call him boyfriend and call it a day.
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