lamaga Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I have been dating my guy for a bit over 2 months now. We are very happy together and see each other almost every day or every second day - he lives one street from me and we spend a lot of time at each others houses. He has met my friends at a party recently at my house, and since then we have been even more close. He says I am perfect, beautiful, amazing, wonderful, that I am the most interesting and prettiest girl he has ever been with. All of our friends think we are a couple and we surely act this way. He is very gentle and kind with me, attentive and caring. He takes me out to bars and restaurants (even though he is as poor of a student as me) and we do fun things together. There really couldn't be anything wrong.. except.. we still haven't determined the relationship, something that is important to me, especially after 2 months of intensive dating. So I brought it up this morning - and I think I shouldn't have... So far, I haven't been initiative - he's the one who texts a lot. I am 5 years older than him and I think he seems to think he is very lucky that an experienced and cool chick like me is interested in him (he gives off that vibe, say my friends). The sex is AMAZING. With every day that goes by, he says he likes me more. I have been cool and chill most of the time, but I am quite eloquent with my words and the way I express my feelings, while he is not. We both study abroad, so sometimes we talk English together, even though we are both German. This morning I said in English "So, are you like what, my boyfriend now?" He said "Are you afraid to ask that in German?", I said in German "I don't know." He said "I don't really care about labels, as long as I can still see you. I want to get to know you better and spend more time with you." I said "I just think that after two months it isn't wrong to try to define the relationship!" He said "Whatever you want it to be, really." I just stared at him. He said "That's not what you wanted to hear, am I right?" (hinting at the fact that I told him before that he is not very good with words) I said "No, I guess." He kissed me. I said: "Ok, so, do YOU WANT to be my boyfriend?" And he smiled and said "I guess so!" and kissed me. I said "Ok, let me know when you KNOW!". That was the whole conversation. Next thing I know he tells me he wants to drive somewhere with me on the weekend and that he wishes he can go with me to the bar where I always sing on Wednesdays, to hear me sing. He then said: "So, let me know when you need help with the washing machine tomorrow morning" I said "The guys who deliver it are actually installing it too." He said "Oh, ok, well, if they don't, let me know!" I said "They are.. installing it" He said "Ok, then I need to find a different reason to come by to see you tomorrow!" I decided then to leave, since I had to get home for a meeting. Haven't heard from him since then, but he is busy today finishing a paper. My best friend said he will most likely call me later today to tell me that he wants to be my boyfriend, and that he just wanted to play it cool. I don't think he is afraid of a relationship with 'label' because he is afraid of commitment -- after all, he is very very committed, we are only seeing each other and NOONE ELSE and we are basically acting like we are in a relationship. He is very jealous when i talk about other boys and he checked my phone the other day to see if I deleted "tinder" (an app we both had but since that party where he met my friends he has deleted it). I decided that I want to give it some rest now and not contact him for a while, and see what happens. I don't want to pressure him at all, I really just want to know what's up - and not be in the dark. What do you guys think I should do? Is this guy just intimidated by me or did this conversation pressure him too much?
Els Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Eh, I'm on the fence about this. On the one hand, it really seems like you cornered him quite a bit, which isn't really a great way to conduct communication. On the other hand, if he is being THAT evasive about the term after 2 months, it's probably not a good sign either. I know people will say that it's 'just a label', but if it's 'just' a label, there should not be such a need to avoid it, either. You are within your rights to want some confirmation, IMO. Give it a day or two and see what happens, then make your decision based on that? 4
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I dont think there is anything wrong!... he's agreed to be your boyfriend now chill and enjoy it.. he's just obviously not very good with conversations xx
Mascara Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I don't think there's anything wrong in what he said. Sounds like he's like most of Western Europe in that we don't need to have a big discussion about what we are - you just are. He considers himself your boyfriend, but doesn't see the need for a discussion or formal offer of the label. He was probably a bit puzzled as to why a conversation is even necessary. If you meet a potential friend and start hanging out with them, talking to them.... you don't say " so are we officially friends". You just ARE. And (as Emilia once said) if you meet a potential boyfriend, you're not seeing anyone else and you wake up with them at least 3 times... they ARE your boyfriend. Stop reading what the Americans do, they make it far too complicated in my book. 2
PegNosePete Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I think you are pushing him to put labels on something that he sees as totally obvious and natural. 1
salparadise Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I agree with what Mascara said, and at the same time I sort of understand how you feel about making it official. It's the mini version of one person feeling it's important to be married while the other might be ok living together indefinitely. How you feel matters and I bet that he gets it. I'm guessing that he's a little embarrassed that you had to bring the issue into the open by asking him, that he feels he needs to take some initiative and make an event of becoming official. I think he'll take you somewhere special, maybe have a little gift for you. So yes, I think playing it a little cool now is probably best, but don't withdraw. You've sort of put him on the spot and he'll feel like he needs to rise to the occasion. 1
Thegreatestthing Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 He is a bit vague,I guess so?? Two months and he cannot say he is your bf yet,I suppose that is not too long,maybe in a few weeks but if it gets to three months and he is still vague I would wonder.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 (edited) It is weird in that he avoided using the word boyfriend with you. If it has been two months, and you really feel IT for eachother, and you haven't been seeing other people they why not label it? Labels matter that is why we still have marriage and gay marriage is an issue. Part of your problem is that many heterosexuals treat being "boyfriend' and "girlfriend as if it was tantamount to being "husband" and "wife". (Look it up. In the USofA young people will live together and have children W/O being married almost half the time.) Labels matter because you can't ever assume exclusivity in a relationship. At some point mature people have to set the ground rules, talk about the future, and so forth. All of the above said, isn't is way more important that you are getting the actions of a boyfriend? Actions are what matter. I have seen many relationships where the people in them would have the labels and not much else. Placeholder boyfriends and girlfriends for whom the feelings were lukewarm. People who hardly spent any time together and really have no future together. People who don't even like each other other than for occasional sex. Relax, enjoy it, and let it be what it is. Edited to add: In my own relationships I don't stress labels but I feel pretty dubious if they aren't ok with the boyfriend/girlfriend actions. Gifts on the holidays, meeting families and friends, SPENDING TiME even if it's not to do anything in particular...just being together. Once I have that I have a relationship damn what it's called. Edited January 29, 2014 by Mrlonelyone 2
soccerrprp Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Stop reading what the Americans do, they make it far too complicated in my book. Ha ha, so do we now? I've heard and been told by some of my European friends that it is just assumed that you are bf/gf after a period of time via the European way of thinking. But, as many European people are here and having the same probs as us Yankees, I am wondering if the bf/gf talk is now necessary for all alike.
soccerrprp Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Eh, I'm on the fence about this. On the one hand, it really seems like you cornered him quite a bit, which isn't really a great way to conduct communication. On the other hand, if he is being THAT evasive about the term after 2 months, it's probably not a good sign either. I know people will say that it's 'just a label', but if it's 'just' a label, there should not be such a need to avoid it, either. You are within your rights to want some confirmation, IMO. Give it a day or two and see what happens, then make your decision based on that? I agree Els. I am on the fence with the conversation too. It puzzles me that people say that labels are not important, but can't SIMPLY attach one to a relationship. This is a stupid question, but for all you Europeans, when you introduce a gf/bf, do you introduce them as "this is my gf/bf...?" If so, the label is there and declaring such in a relationship and moving forward is a very very insignificant price. 1
Emilia Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 This is a stupid question, but for all you Europeans, when you introduce a gf/bf, do you introduce them as "this is my gf/bf...?" If so, the label is there and declaring such in a relationship and moving forward is a very very insignificant price. Yes but we don't declare relationships like you do in the US. We don't do all this soulsearching and have rigid timetable for exclusivity and all that. Mascara and I simplified this a bit in the past but the rule of thumb here is that if you have been with someone for 3 months and the two of you want to carry on, you are in a relationship. The only people I have seen multidating are the OLD - lot, even that isn't that common, not beyond a date or two. Otherwise you are seen as not trustworthy. The US system with this constant negotiating and talking of emotions and expectations is seen as pretty neurotic in our eyes to be honest. 6
PegNosePete Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 This is a stupid question, but for all you Europeans, when you introduce a gf/bf, do you introduce them as "this is my gf/bf...?" If so, the label is there and declaring such in a relationship and moving forward is a very very insignificant price. Yes and that is exactly how my last relationship was "defined". I introduced her to a friend and he asked "so is she your... friend?" and I said "no, girlfriend". And that was that, no need to sit down and have this legendary "talk" that you septics all seem to love so much 3
Mascara Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I'm not saying the label isn't important. I'm just saying a conversation about it isn't necessary. You just ARE once your relationship has reached a certain level, eg exclusive/spending nights/meeting friends. It's not like getting married at all, which is a ceremonial legal entity. You DO have to formally declare that. And as to why Europeans are starting to take on the American way soccerr.... too many bloody forums and tv shows and articles by Americans 3
Els Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I agree Els. I am on the fence with the conversation too. It puzzles me that people say that labels are not important, but can't SIMPLY attach one to a relationship. This is a stupid question, but for all you Europeans, when you introduce a gf/bf, do you introduce them as "this is my gf/bf...?" If so, the label is there and declaring such in a relationship and moving forward is a very very insignificant price. I'm in neither Europe nor the US, but it has been common for the bf/gf term to just somehow be mentioned sometimes, after a while. Rs grow organically for us too, usually blossoming out of friendships, so there is no 'structure' or organized dating or multi-dating. As such, I don't necessarily see any need for an in-depth conversation about it, but the OP's guy could have avoided the entire thing by saying, "Of course! What else did you think I was? ;)" or similar answers to her initial question. Rather, he chose to deflect repeatedly - which is the more troubling issue IMO, not the fact that he didn't mention it. 5
soccerrprp Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Yes and that is exactly how my last relationship was "defined". I introduced her to a friend and he asked "so is she your... friend?" and I said "no, girlfriend". And that was that, no need to sit down and have this legendary "talk" that you septics all seem to love so much My current gf and I didn't have a "talk." We simply asked each other are we a couple and we both said yes and that was that. 15-seconds. Did you mean "septics?" Is that what you think of us yankees??? 1
Emilia Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Did you mean "septics?" Is that what you think of us yankees??? Rhyming slang: 'septic tank' = 'yank' 3
PegNosePete Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 My current gf and I didn't have a "talk." We simply asked each other are we a couple and we both said yes and that was that. 15-seconds. Well that's a 15- second talk... 14 seconds longer than mine Did you mean "septics?" Is that what you think of us yankees??? It's a term of endearment, urban dictionary says so
Mascara Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I've just got this vision of me and the bloke taking our parents out to dinner and saying to them "we have something to tell you.... we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend". I'd imagine my parents wiping a tear away and hugging us (rather than pissing themselves laughing, which is what the reality would be). I know that's not what happens, but it's what comes to mind. Some people here put so much gravitas into this bf/gf talk. It genuinely puzzles us, it feels like we're 8 years old again. 2
soccerrprp Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I've just got this vision of me and the bloke taking our parents out to dinner and saying to them "we have something to tell you.... we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend". I'd imagine my parents wiping a tear away and hugging us (rather than pissing themselves laughing, which is what the reality would be). I know that's not what happens, but it's what comes to mind. Some people here put so much gravitas into this bf/gf talk. It genuinely puzzles us, it feels like we're 8 years old again. You know, I can imagine American parents coming right out and asking, "so, are you two gf and bf?" couple: "Yes, we are." parent(s): "Oh, good." 2
Emilia Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 You know, I can imagine American parents coming right out and asking, "so, are you two gf and bf?" couple: "Yes, we are." parent(s): "Oh, good." Are you serious? :lmao: 1
PegNosePete Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Imagine having that conversation a bit too early... Parent: "So are you two boyfriend and girlfriend then?" GF: "Oh no I am still banging other guys because we haven't formalized our exclusivity yet" 3
ExpatInItaly Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I think the bottom line is that you have different perspectives. You thought it appropriate to use the term boyfriend, he didn't. You said you're exclusive; does he want it to remain that way? I understand that people sometimes don't see the big deal about labels, but they are sometimes also avoiding a commitment. How does he introduce you to other people?
soccerrprp Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Are you serious? :lmao: Oh, yes. My gf and I are over 40 and her mother and father asked her if we were bf/gf. The label means a lot to some...
Emilia Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Oh, yes. My gf and I are over 40 and her mother and father asked her if we were bf/gf. The label means a lot to some... My mother would want to know how serious it was and whether I thought we would settle down together but she wouldn't ask bf/gf or any other label. She would only care whether I thought it had long term potential. I find the constant seeking of defnition and validation unnecessary I suppose.
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