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January 29, 2014

Hi.

Before I mention anything, I want to throw it out there that I will be showing this thread to my woman so she can see peoples responses. Hopefully for her benefit.

Been together over a decade. So I lived in Canada and at the moment I am at work in the arctic at a diamond mine away from home 2 weeks at a time. My woman went to a birthday party with her co-workers to the bar. Usually she tells me she got home to let me know she is safe n sound while I'm at work. But this time was different. I woke up to a facebook message ( our main form of communication )

From her. 'Chad got mad at me, too funny' now to me that message is pretty vague. Plus I dont know this guy. I never got a message saying she was safe n sound after the bar.

So I was concerned...had to go to work a 12 hour shift...concerned with no way of finding anything out. I became frustrated then became upset. Shift is over and asked her why she didnt check in. She said her phone died even though she wasnt using it to be social. So I asked her why didnt she use her friends phone? She could have facebooked me or emailed me. But her response was that I am not her father and she needs not answer Me. She didnt even apologize...found no need to since she thinks she did nothing wrong.

So I got pretty upset with her and we exchanged a few nasty messages. It escalated from there. For her a relationship is a one way street her way or no way.

Maybe its time she sees other peoples opinion on this since she seems clueless.

She clearly has anger issues and communication issues to boot. Now I'm no angel myself. She insisted I go see a counsellor for my problems and I did for the benefit of the relationship and myself. I asked her to do the same for herself many times and nothing. Its gotten to the point for the both of us to not talk at all. Help!!

January 29, 2014

Hi.
Before I mention anything, I want to throw it out there that I will be showing this thread to my woman so she can see peoples responses. Hopefully for her benefit.
Been together over a decade. So I lived in Canada and at the moment I am at work in the arctic at a diamond mine away from home 2 weeks at a time. My woman went to a birthday party with her co-workers to the bar. Usually she tells me she got home to let me know she is safe n sound while I'm at work. But this time was different. I woke up to a facebook message ( our main form of communication )
From her. 'Chad got mad at me, too funny' now to me that message is pretty vague. Plus I dont know this guy. I never got a message saying she was safe n sound after the bar.
So I was concerned...had to go to work a 12 hour shift...concerned with no way of finding anything out. I became frustrated then became upset. Shift is over and asked her why she didnt check in. She said her phone died even though she wasnt using it to be social. So I asked her why didnt she use her friends phone? She could have facebooked me or emailed me. But her response was that I am not her father and she needs not answer Me. She didnt even apologize...found no need to since she thinks she did nothing wrong.
So I got pretty upset with her and we exchanged a few nasty messages. It escalated from there. For her a relationship is a one way street her way or no way.
Maybe its time she sees other peoples opinion on this since she seems clueless.
She clearly has anger issues and communication issues to boot. Now I'm no angel myself. She insisted I go see a counsellor for my problems and I did for the benefit of the relationship and myself. I asked her to do the same for herself many times and nothing. Its gotten to the point for the both of us to not talk at all. Help!!

I'm on her side to be honest. She is your partner, not your daughter. She shouldn't have to punch a clock with you and let you know where she is at all times. If you had not heard from her in 24 hours then sure, there is a reason to be worried but I would be annoyed if I had to tell my other half when I got home every single time and then cop some criticism for not doing so simply because my phone died.

I understand you care about her but it seems a bit clingy to grill her for not texting you one time.

January 29, 2014

Mentioning another guy - (chad) usually I do that to spike the guys interest,competitive edge etc in a spouse likely to provoke jealousy/attention ,strange she did that.

While far away - yes you want to know more whAt is going on with the other,

Because you don't see them,but also she is right she is a free modern woman,not a possession.

Hi.
Before I mention anything, I want to throw it out there that I will be showing this thread to my woman so she can see peoples responses. Hopefully for her benefit.
Been together over a decade. So I lived in Canada and at the moment I am at work in the arctic at a diamond mine away from home 2 weeks at a time. My woman went to a birthday party with her co-workers to the bar. Usually she tells me she got home to let me know she is safe n sound while I'm at work. But this time was different. I woke up to a facebook message ( our main form of communication )
From her. 'Chad got mad at me, too funny' now to me that message is pretty vague. Plus I dont know this guy. I never got a message saying she was safe n sound after the bar.
So I was concerned...had to go to work a 12 hour shift...concerned with no way of finding anything out. I became frustrated then became upset. Shift is over and asked her why she didnt check in. She said her phone died even though she wasnt using it to be social. So I asked her why didnt she use her friends phone? She could have facebooked me or emailed me. But her response was that I am not her father and she needs not answer Me. She didnt even apologize...found no need to since she thinks she did nothing wrong.
So I got pretty upset with her and we exchanged a few nasty messages. It escalated from there. For her a relationship is a one way street her way or no way.
Maybe its time she sees other peoples opinion on this since she seems clueless.
She clearly has anger issues and communication issues to boot. Now I'm no angel myself. She insisted I go see a counsellor for my problems and I did for the benefit of the relationship and myself. I asked her to do the same for herself many times and nothing. Its gotten to the point for the both of us to not talk at all. Help!!

January 29, 2014

I disagree. I don't think it's about trying to parent your spouse. Its about making sure the other is okay. Especially when you're far away. I'm a worry wart and had a similar situation with my guy who lives 1.5 hours away. He had just told me that he'd got into an altercation with his neighbor. We were chatting and then he all of a sudden went silent, wasn't reading my messages, nothing. It was only 8:30p, and he usually goes to sleep around 11p. All kinds of things were going through my head. The neighbor is a bit crazy and always has shady characters at his house and I was imagining the worst possible scenarios. Turned out, he lay down because his back was hurting and passed out, but I was still upset because I stayed up all night worrying. He apologized profusely for making me worry, even though he essentially did nothing wrong.

I like to know my SO is okay when they are out at night and I think it's just considerate to let your spouse or SO know you made it in safe. Unexpected things happen all the time.

January 29, 2014

From her. 'Chad got mad at me, too funny'

You saw this post, so you did know that she was OK - right? You weren't worried about her safety all day? You were worried that she was boinking Chad.

Why are you telling her one thing (that you were worried about her safety) when in fact your issue is something different (you don't trust her)?

January 30, 2014

I'm on her side to be honest. She is your partner, not your daughter. She shouldn't have to punch a clock with you and let you know where she is at all times. If you had not heard from her in 24 hours then sure, there is a reason to be worried but I would be annoyed if I had to tell my other half when I got home every single time and then cop some criticism for not doing so simply because my phone died.

I understand you care about her but it seems a bit clingy to grill her for not texting you one time.

*okay to add some clarity ( my bad ) Chad is her co worker a new co worker. It was a bday party where All the coworkers went to. I know them all except for Chad. But this is no issue for me.

Edited January 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

January 30, 2014

In your shoes I'd be wanting to know all is well at the end of a drunken night. I've always been like that. I'd be miffed without that communication but all's well that ends well, so knowing she was then okay would be enough for me.

Your OP sounds very point-scoring and you come across as a little mean. I suspect the communication aspect between you two needs some work.

January 30, 2014

Mentioning another guy - (chad) usually I do that to spike the guys interest,competitive edge etc in a spouse likely to provoke jealousy/attention ,strange she did that.
.

That's called emotional manipulation.

I'm sure guys LOVE when you yank them by the chain like that.

January 30, 2014

In your shoes I'd be wanting to know all is well at the end of a drunken night. I've always been like that. I'd be miffed without that communication but all's well that ends well, so knowing she was then okay would be enough for me.

Your OP sounds very point-scoring and you come across as a little mean. I suspect the communication aspect between you two needs some work.

Call it what you would like and I respect that. But to me its called having a spine

January 30, 2014

But this is no issue for me.

So what is your issue? That she didn't follow her little routine properly? She didn't stick to the script? You seem really insecure and controlling dude. She made a facebook post so you knew her safety was taken care of. People who are in danger, or potentially in danger, do not post to facebook talking about how something is funny. So you're mad, not because you were worried about her safety, but because she didn't stick to the normal contact protocol with you. Now I am not saying that she shouldn't have checked in with you, because I do agree that she should. But your reaction is WAYYY over the top and you're throwing this "worried about your safety" as a lame excuse rather than telling her the real reason you're annoyed. And now you're looking to "prove that you're right" by getting a load of internet strangers to agree with you and then show it to her to score some kind of points over her. Well we're not agreeing with you, and you're getting mad because you're not getting your way.

You might want to look at your own actions and the reasons behind them.

January 30, 2014

So what is your issue? That she didn't follow her little routine properly? She didn't stick to the script? You seem really insecure and controlling dude. She made a facebook post so you knew her safety was taken care of. People who are in danger, or potentially in danger, do not post to facebook talking about how something is funny. So you're mad, not because you were worried about her safety, but because she didn't stick to the normal contact protocol with you. Now I am not saying that she shouldn't have checked in with you, because I do agree that she should. But your reaction is WAYYY over the top and you're throwing this "worried about your safety" as a lame excuse rather than telling her the real reason you're annoyed. And now you're looking to "prove that you're right" by getting a load of internet strangers to agree with you and then show it to her to score some kind of points over her. Well we're not agreeing with you, and you're getting mad because you're not getting your way.

You might want to look at your own actions and the reasons behind them.

Pete, this was one of her rules that she wanted for us. I agreed. There have been times where I dont hear anything from her at all to let me know she is okay...let me reiterate this is a rule she wanted in place.

The private message I got from her was not at the end of the night rather when the night was still young. So no need to attack me with Im insecure etc. She can make some rules and its okay for her to break them but when I do...all hell breaks loose. Catch my drift?

January 30, 2014

What? I am not attacking you, I'm making determinations based on the information you've given us. But it seems like you don't really want advice. You just want people to tell you you're right.

Well OK, you're right.

January 31, 2014

What? I am not attacking you, I'm making determinations based on the information you've given us. But it seems like you don't really want advice. You just want people to tell you you're right.

Well OK, you're right.

I chuckled since you think everyone is siding with you, I hope you dont think I can take you seriously, now.

You're direct assumption that I thought she was cheating on me also rubbed me the wrong way. I trust her 100%. If there ever was an issue with me thinking she cheated on me I would have dealt with it or posted on here about it, perhaps. Then you jump to saying I am insecure etc etc.

Sorry Pete but I dont need you're so called advice.

Maybe you are describing yourself who knows.

January 31, 2014

Hi.
Before I mention anything, I want to throw it out there that I will be showing this thread to my woman so she can see peoples responses. Hopefully for her benefit.
Been together over a decade. So I lived in Canada and at the moment I am at work in the arctic at a diamond mine away from home 2 weeks at a time. My woman went to a birthday party with her co-workers to the bar. Usually she tells me she got home to let me know she is safe n sound while I'm at work. But this time was different. I woke up to a facebook message ( our main form of communication )
From her. 'Chad got mad at me, too funny' now to me that message is pretty vague. Plus I dont know this guy. I never got a message saying she was safe n sound after the bar.
So I was concerned...had to go to work a 12 hour shift...concerned with no way of finding anything out. I became frustrated then became upset. Shift is over and asked her why she didnt check in. She said her phone died even though she wasnt using it to be social. So I asked her why didnt she use her friends phone? She could have facebooked me or emailed me. But her response was that I am not her father and she needs not answer Me. She didnt even apologize...found no need to since she thinks she did nothing wrong.
So I got pretty upset with her and we exchanged a few nasty messages. It escalated from there. For her a relationship is a one way street her way or no way.
Maybe its time she sees other peoples opinion on this since she seems clueless.
She clearly has anger issues and communication issues to boot. Now I'm no angel myself. She insisted I go see a counsellor for my problems and I did for the benefit of the relationship and myself. I asked her to do the same for herself many times and nothing. Its gotten to the point for the both of us to not talk at all. Help!!

If she is unwilling to get help and thinks the relationship is a one way street, I doubt our opinions will help her "see the light." It is up to you to decide whether or not you want to continue with her behaving like this esp with her blatantly refusing to do things differently.

As for me: I understand checking in and clearly it's about concern and consideration and not "control." I don't need to be asked to check in, I do it without being prompted as I know the feeling of worry esp if my SO has gone out and I don't hear from them to know they made it home safely. It's something you do to show you care and so the other person doesn't worry about you. If my phone died and even if I didn't use someone else's phone I'd message them as I got home or as I woke up and would apologize for the worry not argue about it.

Clearly your gf has some issues to work through and if she doesn't believe in working through them....well the ball is in your court about if her attitude is acceptable to you or not.

January 31, 2014

Call it what you would like and I respect that. But to me its called having a spine

Sorry Pete but I dont need you're so called advice.
Maybe you are describing yourself who knows.

So you post a thread about your woman not following your little procedure and when established posters here point out that you are being controlling, you are taking a swipe at them? What's the point of your thread here exactly?

I agree with the others, you are treating your other half as some kind of a child and try to keep her in a neatly managed box.

January 31, 2014

The OP wrote:

"Pete, this was one of her rules that she wanted for us. I agreed. There have been times where I dont hear anything from her at all to let me know she is okay...let me reiterate this is a rule she wanted in place. "

Apparently, the couple had a communication protocol in place, at the young lady's behest, and she abrogated the rule she lobbied for and agreed to. People do that.

It appears this is a long term partnership, ten years, and the OP is away from home ostensibly attempting to further their joint position in life, as industrious partners often do. His 'spouse' apparently is enjoying herself back on the home front.

Any kids here?

January 31, 2014

I hope you didn't show her your original post.. I would be annoyed at that.

The way I see this is; she was unknowingly inconsiderate. You attack her for being inconsiderate, she gets defensive because it wasn't intentional.

If she didn't intend to upset you then it was a mistake, that doesn't give you the right to punish her (yell at her/demand apology etc)

January 31, 2014

My read is they have a 'dramatic' relationship. I have friends like that, some married for decades. The insults they hurl at each other, in front of me, make me cringe, but they're laughing and hugging and kissing soon after. It's a style of relating I'll never understand but it's not important that I understand; it's important that *they* understand. However, if the OP and his partner don't 'get' each other, such drama will likely be the end of them, hence my question about children of this union. OP?

January 31, 2014

So you post a thread about your woman not following your little procedure and when established posters here point out that you are being controlling, you are taking a swipe at them? What's the point of your thread here exactly?

I agree with the others, you are treating your other half as some kind of a child and try to keep her in a neatly managed box.

Dear Emilia

please read all the quotes, you will find that I wrote this was a rule she wanted and she was adament about. One poster assumptions (pete) just assumed me to be a bad person never asked questions...just assumed. I think any man with a spine would stick up for themselves dont you think?

January 31, 2014

Pete, this was one of her rules that she wanted for us. I agreed. There have been times where I dont hear anything from her at all to let me know she is okay...let me reiterate this is a rule she wanted in place.

Apparently, the couple had a communication protocol in place, at the young lady's behest, and she abrogated the rule she lobbied for and agreed to. People do that.

It appears this is a long term partnership, ten years, and the OP is away from home ostensibly attempting to further their joint position in life, as industrious partners often do. His 'spouse' apparently is enjoying herself back on the home front.

Any kids here?

Yes, two boys.

Edited January 31, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

January 31, 2014

My read is they have a 'dramatic' relationship. I have friends like that, some married for decades. The insults they hurl at each other, in front of me, make me cringe, but they're laughing and hugging and kissing soon after. It's a style of relating I'll never understand but it's not important that I understand; it's important that *they* understand. However, if the OP and his partner don't 'get' each other, such drama will likely be the end of them, hence my question about children of this union. OP?

Carhill you nailed it on the button. We do tend to be volatile, I have been trying my hardest to keep the peace, I am being respectful of her relationship rules and wishes. They are legitimate. I just wish she would follow her own rules aswell it seems she can pick and chose the days she wants to follow them. And its frustrating to me, I bite my tongue, keep my cool and attempt at working through it. But when I do the wall goes up on her and she is very defensive and becomes very unreasonable. Then she cuts off all avenues of communication for 2 to 4 days while I am away from home at work.

One of my main concerns is the parenting aspect of it aswell I dont want my boys to learn that that is the way a man should be treated. Im sure they know.

January 31, 2014

I hope you didn't show her your original post.. I would be annoyed at that.

The way I see this is; she was unknowingly inconsiderate. You attack her for being inconsiderate, she gets defensive because it wasn't intentional.

If she didn't intend to upset you then it was a mistake, that doesn't give you the right to punish her (yell at her/demand apology etc)

Okay so yes I was frustrated. My way of thinking is what would I do.

and its extremely simple so if my phone died no big deal I would ask one of my friends if I could borrow their phone for 2 minutes and send an email, that my phone died and I am okay and I miss her and love her....click send and boom settled.

Why would that be so hard for her to do. It not!

January 31, 2014

If she is unwilling to get help and thinks the relationship is a one way street, I doubt our opinions will help her "see the light." It is up to you to decide whether or not you want to continue with her behaving like this esp with her blatantly refusing to do things differently.

As for me: I understand checking in and clearly it's about concern and consideration and not "control." I don't need to be asked to check in, I do it without being prompted as I know the feeling of worry esp if my SO has gone out and I don't hear from them to know they made it home safely. It's something you do to show you care and so the other person doesn't worry about you. If my phone died and even if I didn't use someone else's phone I'd message them as I got home or as I woke up and would apologize for the worry not argue about it.

Clearly your gf has some issues to work through and if she doesn't believe in working through them....well the ball is in your court about if her attitude is acceptable to you or not.

Now, thats what Im talking about, thank you for understanding me and not jumping to assumptions like other posters have done. So since this is her established rule that she can break whenever she wants, what can I do?

January 31, 2014

One poster assumptions (pete) just assumed me to be a bad person never asked questions...just assumed.

Please point out where I assumed you were a bad person. I never said any such thing. The assumptions are on your side, dude. Everything I wrote was based on the facts as you provided them.

And it's interesting that you seem to be drip-feeding your story one piece at a time. There is no mention of any "rules" in your original post. In fact what you said was "Usually she tells me she got home to let me know she is safe n sound while I'm at work". Usually, not always, and no mention of a rigid established protocol. So what is the issue here? That she left you worried and concerned for her safety, or that she broke the rules?

January 31, 2014

I personally find the 'rule' extremely odd. I was in a LDR for 2 years that involved daily communication (and I mean very long distance, not a 2-week thing) and I had not even thought of imposing such a rigid schedule on my partner. Occasionally, one of us would get home and fall asleep - it happens to the best of us. Not a big deal as long as you hear from then again the next day or so, and definitely not worth the fuss you are putting up about it, bringing her to an anonymous message board to show others' opinions to her in hopes of convincing her that other strangers agree with you.

So, anyway... your wife must have had the chance to read your OP, and the responses you received, including those you disagreed with. You did show her those, right? What did she think?

Regardless, couples/marriage counselling def sounds like a good idea for you two.

Edited January 31, 2014 by Elswyth

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