So if you meet someone and they tell you they are married 'but in the process of D."

[ladybug1984]

Should that be a red flag? In the experiences of others here, just wondering if it has proven to NOT be true rather than it actually working out that they were divorcing. Been burned before, recently burned with something else, and just trying to inform myself on lots of R. stuff before doing ANYTHING these days.

[mammasita]

Tell him to call you when its final and keep it moving.

[Keenly]

Show me them papers.

[experiencethedevine]

Run.................................................... VERY FAST!

[GoldPenny]

No, why would it be? Especially considering that 50 percent of marriages in the US end in divorce anyway, isn't there good chance that he's telling the truth? People lie about their statuses, sure, but I don't think this is any different than "yeah, I'm single" or "I am not seeing anyone" when the person saying them is actually taken. It depends on the person, not this line specifically. If you notice a pattern of lies, then that's the red flag, and you should wonder what else he may be lying about. You can ask for the papers in this case for proof if you want.

Edited January 29, 2014 by GoldPenny

[PegNosePete]

I think it would very much depend on the circumstances. How long ago did the separate? Why hasn't the divorce gone through yet? Have they got decree nisi yet (for UK)? Are there kids, if so how many and what ages? What are relations like, amicable or heated? What are the living arrangements? How is the division of money, assets and property likely to go? Not only the answers to these questions but also the attitude when discussing it with you.

[isisisweeping]

How long ago was the separation? Why the slow down? Could you talk to the ex if the relationship developed if it's financial reasons to put off the final divorce? I think all of those things matter.

 

I wouldn't immediately run. But I wouldn't deal with any secrecy for any reason.

[carhill]

So if you meet someone and they tell you they are married 'but in the process of D."

Should that be a red flag?

 

Disclosure is a positive thing, IMO. What remains is verification. Examples would be their names on a case summary/court docket at the courthouse. Evidence of owned or rented separate domiciles. Socializing separately. Transparency regarding relations with others.

 

I'll give an example; while we were divorcing I bought my exW a house and she moved in after we fixed it up. Shortly thereafter, a gentleman she was seeing moved in. One day I was dropping off some stuff and waved to him. Later we were introduced. No ambiguity. We would be 'officially' divorced a few months later. The court case summary showed the 18 months from first filing to dissolution. Every motion, every filing, every mistake, every rejection. The process.

 

Trust, but verify. Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

Should that be a red flag? In the experiences of others here, just wondering if it has proven to NOT be true rather than it actually working out that they were divorcing. Been burned before, recently burned with something else, and just trying to inform myself on lots of R. stuff before doing ANYTHING these days.

 

Wait till they are officially divorced and are ready to date again. People need to have time on their own, to grieve the loss of the life they once shared with their spouse.

[carhill]

TBH, I don't know anyone personally who waits and 'reflects'. I can't think of one person in my social circle who hasn't moved on before the ink was dry on the divorce settlement. I can't speak for the unmarried folks, but the married ones, once they 'announce' the split, are generally coupled up with a couple months. My example of my exW was typical. She's still living with the same guy in the same house (she actually called me the other day for advice on refinancing it) nearly four years later.

 

Those of us who 'grow' and 'reflect' generally just live alone. I'm fine with that but acknowledge it as outlier in my demographic. People live. They date, they share bed space. No rewards for personal growth around here.

[whichwayisup]

TBH, I don't know anyone personally who waits and 'reflects'. I can't think of one person in my social circle who hasn't moved on before the ink was dry on the divorce settlement. I can't speak for the unmarried folks, but the married ones, once they 'announce' the split, are generally coupled up with a couple months. My example of my exW was typical. She's still living with the same guy in the same house (she actually called me the other day for advice on refinancing it) nearly four years later.

 

Those of us who 'grow' and 'reflect' generally just live alone. I'm fine with that but acknowledge it as outlier in my demographic. People live. They date, they share bed space. No rewards for personal growth around here.

 

Most I know (not that many of my friends and family have divorced and split up) didn't dive into the dating world right after the ink dried. A friend of mine just wasn't ready to get serious again, she wanted to be single and free, no ties, no commitments to anybody. Her marriage didn't end well because her husband emotionally abused her and she finally got the courage to leave him and be on her own. Guess it just depends on the person and how ready they are at the time. Some also can't be alone so they always have to have someone in their lives.

[central]

Trust your instincts, plus observe and decide. I dated a lot while my divorce was underway, met a great match, and eventually married her. I also dated many women who were also separated, and that was fine, too. As long as they are no longer living in the same home and clearly are heading towards divorce, it's rarely a problem - at least no more so than dating any one else.

[SadNLonley]

I dont know how it is in your state, but we can actually pull up court records in my state. I would type in their name to pull up all records. You can see if they are telling the truth. If they are, then really there is no reason in my eyes that should deter you from dating.

[carhill]

Most I know (not that many of my friends and family have divorced and split up) didn't dive into the dating world right after the ink dried. A friend of mine just wasn't ready to get serious again, she wanted to be single and free, no ties, no commitments to anybody. Her marriage didn't end well because her husband emotionally abused her and she finally got the courage to leave him and be on her own. Guess it just depends on the person and how ready they are at the time. Some also can't be alone so they always have to have someone in their lives.

I'm in your corner and we've described a dichotomy which perhaps the OP could resolve for themselves, with regards to compatibility. I followed the 'make sure they're single for a substantial period of time' pattern for years and totally missed out on dating opportunities but that's because my 'style' is incompatible with the general style of my demographic. They're not wrong, merely incompatible for my style. Ultimately, in order to have a LTR or get married in my demographic, I had to change my style. I should have left long ago and am doing so now but that's water under the bridge, hopefully water the OP never has to tread.

 

OP, do you find that it's common or uncommon for married people who are separated or divorcing to be dating and having intimate relations with other parties during that process? I generally evidence this by seeing such people, formerly with spouse, now with 'new person' at social activities, openly and conspicuously and/or referring to said person as 'partner', 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend'. What's your experience and how does it match up with your 'style' of such dynamics?

[d0nnivain]

I'd have more questions. Q # 1 would be where is the person living & where is the STBEX living. If under the same roof, goodbye.

 

 

I would want to know how far along the process was & I'd be concerned that I was a rebound