SixthSt.Girl Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 I posted on here a few weeks ago about my boss being flirty with me at work and me developing a crush on him, asking for advice... Well, I have (almost) secured a new job - I had the second interview yesterday with the regional manager, and he said he wants me on their team. He's going to talk to his boss (who I spoke to at the first interview) and suggest that I be hired for a certain store. He will be contacting me early next week, probably with an offer. I know I should be excited about it - this is a job that I have been wanting so badly, and now I'm so close to getting it. But, I've been dreading telling my boss. He has been such a big help to me these past few months. I have spent so much time with him being his right hand woman that the thought of leaving him and the store seems very strange. I told the manager who I *thought* was going to keep silent for awhile, at least until I get an offer. Nope, she told him, and he was acting very odd today so I figured she might've blabbed. I basically repeated what she said, and he didn't even look at me or say much of everything, just that he can't be angry with me for finding a better job. I can tell that he's down about it because he's been asking the manager several questions about the company and the job, yet he can hardly say anything to me. I will miss him a lot - I didn't think it would be this bad. Anytime he touches me or gets close to me, I pull away because he is married, but it hurts and I want to tell him how I feel. I know it's wrong, but I can't help how I feel about him. This year has been so bad - the Christmas season was wild with the increased business, and I was so ready to just ball up and cry, yet he talked me through it. I've found myself falling in love with him, and I don't know what to do. I'm so afraid he'll reject me if I tell him I have these feelings, but I almost feel dishonest not saying anything. I've never been this way before - he just drives me crazy! You spend so much time with someone in a small space... There has been so much tension in the air, and this job announcement has made it ten times worse. I just don't want him to be out of my life forever, yet I'm afraid to say anything. It's so emotional to leave a job and move as it is. I will probably end up just saying my farewells and leave it be. Life is so bad sometimes. The one thing I thought would make me happy is making me miserable.
immoralist Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 You've obviously touched your boss and he has touched you in the sense of an electric attraction and connection. Work is a petri dish for all sorts of extramarital bacteria. You're getting out of Dodge just in time. By leaving now, you can imagine what the affair would have been like: the candlelight dinners, hot hotel sex, floral bouquets, etc. You can direct this movie. No one dies, and there's no suffering. On the other hand, if you stick around and have an affair with this man, the following will most likely occur: your co-workers will find out ASAP and hate and resent you; you'll spend many a lonely night and weekend pining for your lover while he acts like a busy family man and snuggles next to his wife every night while you sleep alone; and, you waste the best years of your life waiting futilely for him to do that which he'll never do: leave his marriage for you. Finally, the affair will end (they all do) and you will have to mend your broken heart and glue together the shattered pieces of your broken life. Move on,SixthSt.Girl. This is one time where it's better to dream than to act.
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 I agree 100% with what Immoralist has written to you. Neither of you planned those feelings...Sometimes people just walk into your life and BOOM there is something there instantly. If he was single and available I would say GO FOR IT baby!! But he isn't and it just ain't right. Be lucky you had him as your friend, as your boss...And he was good to you. Obviously he does have some feelings and that is why is has backed off from you. Guys do that instinctively, just don't think the worst case senario on this one. Let him do his thing...Better for both of you in the long run. Being office gossip probably wouldn't be very fun either. And when you get to your new job, don't contact him. Just let sleeping dogs lay as they are. No matter how hard this is, atleast nothing has really happened yet and 6 months from now it could be harder to walk away from. All the best. And I hope this helps you abit.
Author SixthSt.Girl Posted January 14, 2005 Author Posted January 14, 2005 [color=green]Finally, the affair will end (they all do) and you will have to mend your broken heart and glue together the shattered pieces of your broken life. [/color] I just have to say that this statement is untrue and unrealistic. I know of more than one instance when an affair turned into a lifelong relationship, and no, the husband doesn't always cheat on his new spouse. My co-worker was telling me a rather sweet story about how her grandpa fell in love with his OW and his wife left him - he married the OW and stayed true to her until death. I think people chose to deny it ever happens out of fear of it happening to them. Not that I think this or all affairs will turn into that - I don't even think that I want a lifelong relationship with anyone.
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 I can totally understand why you feel that way...But you don't know their marriage, their dynamtic, their life together... Does he confide in you about his home life with his wife? Even then, it doesn't mean he might dump her for you. Just don't want to see you get your hopes up, that's all. It is your life, and you will do what you want to do either way...We're all just here hoping to listen and maybe read some past posts from those who have hurt deeply by the SO's affairs...And also reading the painful heartache and pains of the OW when their MM doesn't leave their wives afterall. Right now it is not serious...Yes you feel alot for him, maybe he is your soulmate...But he doesn't belong to you and it really isn't fair for you to open up your feelings towards him. He hasn't said anything to you about how he is feeling and from what you've said, has not really made a move on you. The pain is not worth this. For you, for him and mostly his Wife. Nothing I am saying is meant to be taken the wrong way...I think noone wants to see you posting back here with more heartache than you're in now...Know what I mean?
Owl Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 This isn't a bash, so please don't take what I'm about to say as an attack...it's an observation meant to give you some perspective. Your GF told you about her grandfather's story where it worked out with his OW....please realize that he's SSOOOOOOOO not the norm. Look at the statistics that we've seen here on LS....less than 5% of any relationships that begin in an affair last. Period. We've seen very few...out of a huge number...of affairs where the MM left his wife. And even out of those, a very large percentage either move on to someone else, or return to their original spouse. Your tone sounds different from the last post...your first post made it sound as though you didn't WANT this contact with your boss....this one seems to indicate that you do. You'll do whatever you want to....but since you came here for advice...I SERIOUSLY suggest that you sit and look through the posts here...don't think that the one success story you've heard about an affair is the norm. And whatever you do...don't forget about HIS WIFE AND FAMILY. He might...and of course he's the one who shouldn't...but a choice to start a relationship in light of this existing relationship has to be made by BOTH of you.
KissMyTiara Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 Originally posted by immoralist You've obviously touched your boss and he has touched you in the sense of an electric attraction and connection. Work is a petri dish for all sorts of extramarital bacteria. You're getting out of Dodge just in time. By leaving now, you can imagine what the affair would have been like: the candlelight dinners, hot hotel sex, floral bouquets, etc. You can direct this movie. No one dies, and there's no suffering. On the other hand, if you stick around and have an affair with this man, the following will most likely occur: your co-workers will find out ASAP and hate and resent you; you'll spend many a lonely night and weekend pining for your lover while he acts like a busy family man and snuggles next to his wife every night while you sleep alone; and, you waste the best years of your life waiting futilely for him to do that which he'll never do: leave his marriage for you. Finally, the affair will end (they all do) and you will have to mend your broken heart and glue together the shattered pieces of your broken life. Move on, SixthSt.Girl. This is one time where it's better to dream than to act. I swear, Immoralist is so right on the money every freaking time. He's lucky WE don't work together.
Author SixthSt.Girl Posted January 17, 2005 Author Posted January 17, 2005 [color=indigo]You'll do whatever you want to....but since you came here for advice...I SERIOUSLY suggest that you sit and look through the posts here...don't think that the one success story you've heard about an affair is the norm.[/color] I don't want to sound arguementative or anything, but don't you think that most OW who post on this board are posting because of problems in their relationships? I doubt many people who end up having sucessfull relationships are going to post to say "Oh, things are going great with me and so-and-so." That would make no sense. I know a few people who have cheated on their spouses, and the affairs did end up breaking apart the marriage, and they're either married to the OW/OM or alone. I don't know anyone personally who has been through an affair and is still married to the first wife/husband, trying to make the marriage work. If I HAD seen that happen a lot, it still definitely would NOT change my decision to pursue a married man. I don't want to be married nor do I expect a lot out of the relationship, at least not in the near future, and do not believe in the institution of marriage. I'm starting to think that people are not meant to be monogomous - this board is evidence of that. I think people are over-obsessed with Christian morality in this country - I think this kind of brainwashing is what convinced me that it's wrong. My hesitation comes more from fear of rejection, and I am a private person who rarely puts my emotions on the table. I also honestly don't think that this MM cares about or loves his wife. He rarely spends time with her, and frequently says he wishes she'd get a job so she'd stop nagging him and get her own life. He treats her like an annoyance and doesn't sleep in the same room as her. I don't think they have much of a marriage - these are not just my observations, it's what everyone has been saying about them behind their backs.
immoralist Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 I'm starting to think that people are not meant to be monogomous - this board is evidence of that. You do a have a point...
Owl Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 I also honestly don't think that this MM cares about or loves his wife. He rarely spends time with her, and frequently says he wishes she'd get a job so she'd stop nagging him and get her own life. He treats her like an annoyance and doesn't sleep in the same room as her. I don't think they have much of a marriage - these are not just my observations, it's what everyone has been saying about them behind their backs. Interesting...but is this what you KNOW...or what you've HEARD? Have you heard his wife talk about their marriage? Perhaps heard actual conversations when he was speaking to his wife? From what you've said, this all sounds like it's based on what he's SAID...not what SHE'S said. And almost everyone who's willing to cheat will make their marriage out to seem extremely bad...even to themselves...so that they can justify their actions. I don't know...I'm not there. Just giving you something to think about. If I HAD seen that happen a lot, it still definitely would NOT change my decision to pursue a married man. I don't want to be married nor do I expect a lot out of the relationship, at least not in the near future, and do not believe in the institution of marriage. That does explain your motivations here...you don't believe in marriage, so you don't view an affair as something wrong?? How about this tho....do you think his wife feels the same way? Do you think that she'll feel the same way if/when your affair with him is uncovered? Do you care? If you're totally comfortable with the idea of being with your MM, then why come here at all? You obviously HAVE made up your own mind. No further advice needed.
Barby Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 That does explain your motivations here...you don't believe in marriage, so you don't view an affair as something wrong?? How about this tho....do you think his wife feels the same way? Do you think that she'll feel the same way if/when your affair with him is uncovered? Do you care? If you're totally comfortable with the idea of being with your MM, then why come here at all? You obviously HAVE made up your own mind. No further advice needed. It does sound like you have in fact made up your mind to pursue an Affair with your Married boss, if you're fearful of being "rejected" then don't do it...but if you're determined to try and get him anyway you can...then I say at least wait until you've changed jobs that way it won't get awkward in your work place. You said you don't believe in marriage or monogamy? That's really truly sad, honestly I think if you met and fell in love with the right man, you'd change your mind about marriage and a life long relationship, then when someone with the same mind set as you have now came along and did what she could to get into the sack with your hubby, I have a sneaky feeling you'd have a WHOLE different approach and outlook on affairs and marriage and commitment!
Leaf Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 Originally posted by SixthSt.Girl I don't want to sound arguementative or anything, but don't you think that most OW who post on this board are posting because of problems in their relationships? I doubt many people who end up having sucessfull relationships are going to post to say "Oh, things are going great with me and so-and-so." That would make no sense. 6th, I am an OW. Please listen to me when I say this to you: These relationship are inherently riddled with problems. I can tell you that I have my good days and my bad days. The joy of being with him outweighs the bad.. most of the time, but not all the time. You wake up everyday thinking of a way to get out of this. But you dont. Why? Because you are in love, you are trapped. Everyone involved sits in a stalemate waiting for the other to make a move... but neither side ever does because we are all afraid of losing each other. If you chose to do this, I wish you all the luck in the world and the other OW will be here for you when you need to vent, cry, or share a good time. I would NEVER recommend ANYONE doing this to themselves. You will have a rough road ahead, there WILL be a point where you want 'more' <--- those are the times when you will hurt the most. When you cant call him when you want to, if you are scared, lonely, just missing him, or sharing something with him that you experienced. It is a very dark and lonely place at times.
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