Its hard but its working

[Drey4211]

I'm far from a writer. I'm a 26 year old guy, with little life experience. To some this may seem like it's nothing new but to those who are my age this may open up a new perspective on things. I would just like to share a peice of my life because I think it's a piece that can relate to more than some. Its another way to love someone. Something I never imagined I could do.

 

Before I start, I'd like to let you know about myself. I was born in Russia. I didn't know the language nor the culture when I moved here at the age of 7. You better believe there is a culture here. As much as people like to say this is a melting pot, it's not. It's a rough road for someone learning how to fit in. If you've ever heard the saying "it's not what you know, but who you know," you've accepted it without realizing it.

 

I moved out of my parents house about 6 years ago and have been making it on my own. Its been hard at times but I have learned what its like to be independent. That is a great quality to have except in my situation it hurt me more than it helped.

 

When I was young, learning English came easy at times, hard most of the time. Fitting in was even harder. Love came even harder than that. As I grew I learned true love is impossible for someone who was in my position . Whether you feel like you're awkward around people, or you slid in to the culture, loving someone who's culture you don't relate to is impossible especially when you are on your own. Truth is, true love doesn't come from the person you end up with. It usually never does. It develops from a list of experience and regrets. You're made to feel like those who stick around are the ones you're meant for. Most of the time that's not true.

 

There are two people that you meet that mean the most to you. The one who taught you how to love a stranger and the one who taught you what you are missing. None of those will last. It hurts both times. It kills the spirit and it kills your confidence. It kills your mind and your well being. Some can't handle it and they fall in to a bad place. I've been in that bad place. Not to say I let myself go and shut myself off, but I barely ate, barely slept, and all I could think about was why. I learned to pick myself up.

 

My story goes like this. I moved to another state because of a girl. To be clear I didn’t do it for her, but rather because of her. We had an amazing time. She was my first love. However I didn't trust her. Not because I didn't want to but because of certain occurrences and the fact the new culture made me cautious. I was still growing and it was new and unexpected. It was a new high and I was very defensive within myself. I honestly didn't realize this until later. We had great communication and great sex, but it turned into nothing after a while. My insecurities took over me and I turned out to be right. Whether it was my fault or not I will never know but I was devastated. She moved on quicker than I did since she broke up with me and that hurt even more. After all of this I look back at it and thank her for what she taught me. We remain friends to this day. Nothing will happen to us and that's ok but I can tell she taught me more than what I would have realized. After her I never let my jealousy take over my passion.

 

I've dated some girls after. Hung out with them, slept with them, and gotten used to the ability to let them go. Some loved me, some liked me, some used me. I was ok with that because they weren't what I was looking for. Then that second person came along. Out of the blue she showered me with attention and care. I was in love again but this time was different somehow. I felt I was ready based on my past experiences. There was so much passion inside of me and I wanted to make her feel the same. For a while it worked out great. We went to parties, she introduced me to friends, her family, and we were happy. She invited me out to a week vacation with her mom and dad and we had a blast. Her family became mine. I was still quiet and reserved but I considered them family and they accepted me. From her parents to her grandparents. I even stole a ring off of her dresser so I can get it sized when the time came. Ive never felt more alive and Ive never imagined what would happen next.

 

She gave me more than I expected. A new family, friends, and in general, a new perspective. She gave me something I wasn't ready for. I know I wasn't ready for it because I treated her almost like the ones that came between her and my first. I made her fall for me and settled down after she did. I didn’t send her flowers, and I pushed my needs on her more than she pushed hers on me. Not intentionally and not to the extreme but it happened. I just never noticed it. I lasted for a year and, after a short break, I lasted a little longer. She showed me what I never knew I was missing. The feelings of jealousy popped their head out but never revealed themselves. My first had that covered. I learned from her but it wasn't enough. I was comfortable. She gave me everything I wanted and when she left I realized she also gave me something I didn't know I wanted. She gave me a family. She showed me who I would want to start a family with. I now know that I never gave her what she tried to give me. I was still learning how to adapt. It wasn't fair for her. It didn't take her a day or a week to see it but a few months. Maybe even a year because she didn't feel it at a certain point, and I didn't know about it. We never even had a fight. Just uncomfortable moments that eventually drove us apart. The spark was gone and I couldn’t do anything to stop that. I should have seen it. I wish I did.

 

What I learned from this, is even when you're comfortable with someone, it doesn't mean they are. They may never show it and they may never tell you. Every moment of your relationship, you need to appreciate them more than the last. If you’ve ever watched the movie 50 First Dates, you may understand what women want. Don’t make it seem dull to them. I needed to start each day by doing things that made her feel as if it was the first day I met her. Do things for her as if you two just met. Don’t expect sex, don’t expect sympathy or empathy, and most of all don’t expect them to deal with you when they don’t want to. Care about them like you’ve never cared about anything before. Not just in the moment but for the future. At a certain point your wants and needs need to blend in with theirs. If you don’t know what your wants and needs are, you need to work on yourself. If they are no longer happy accept the fact that it was too late and do whatever it takes to make them happy again. You truly never know what you have until its gone.

 

The most important part is accept the fact that you didn't make them happy, and learn from their effort. Don’t let it go to waste. After all, they tried their hardest for you and failed because of you. That's true love. It's not words, and they're not actions that you let them see nor are they words and actions that they let you see. Its the between the lines type of actions that help people grow off of each other. True love is appreciation. Love is acceptance. If you truly love someone and they don’t feel the same anymore, let them go. Whether for every moment of your life, or it's after the fact, you need to give back what they gave you every single day. They may never see it, they may never know about, and they may never realize it but it means more to them than any gifts or flowers you get them. Don’t try to confess your feelings or try to fix things. Be better. Be the best and love them for showing you that. Make them happy even if it makes you miserable. Remember that you made them miserable once which is why they left. Eventually you will see that their hard work paid off, and if you really do have strong feelings for them, you will love them even more for it. Do it for yourself but don’t forget that they helped you be the better person and respect them for it. Life is short and it only ends. Keep them happy because they paved the way to make you happy.

 

I hope everyone finds that one person. I hope everyone stays with that one person but if not, remember that person. Appreciate them and accept them even when they’re not there.

[somecamel]

Well said:)

[lolitahaze]

Aw, what you wrote This is too beautiful :love:I can feel you in many ways. Your story got to me. i'm 27 and after being dumped by the man who i thought I was gonna marry, after giving everything to him just because I loved him beyond words (even though he never gave to me the same in return: 3 years and never gave me flowers once, no holding hands, no valentines, almost no kisses...sex was amazing though) I have come to the conclusion that mine was true love, I loved him (or love) in that honest way, just because. I sometimes wonder why? Oh why do I have to love him so? I miss him, miss his family...but I finally let him go, it hurts but if that what he wants, there, i set him free...

[Drey4211]

A new job, moving, new friends, new experiences all stick with you. She was one of those things. Life changing.