ithappenedagain Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Not too sure if the constitutes violating the NC policy, but for whatever reason, I picked a scab which has resulted in some anxiety and a possible setback.. albiet a small setback.. Long story short. I get a Google chat message at work from a chick who has been on our (my ex and I) softball team the last 2 years.. She is my friend who my ex met through me. We start talking and she says that she actually saw her last Sunday at the rec center. RED FLAG #1 - I should have just stopped her there. Of course this get's my ears up, and for whatever reason, I start picking the scab - so to speak (asking questions) Here is a snipet: "I know she meant a lot to you.. I think you meant more to her then you know as well. I saw her for a few hours on Sunday and I think she is just very hurt." RED FLAG #2.... My ears perked again when I heard she was hurt... I SHOULD HAVE STOPPED HER THERE. ..... nope... "We were talking about what happened somewhat and she just said that you guys had issues and split up for about a week about 7 months agao and then when you got back together you guys were supposed to work on a lot of things and that never happened and she couldn't keep waiting for things to change.I won't say that she necessarily looked sad.. but being the fact that she was discussing it with us I think that shows that she still cares.. otherwise I think she would have just said.. eh it didn't work. You know what I mean? We discussed things for about 30 mins or so.." She then told me: "She says that she is not playing softball if you are..I am sorry.. I am not going to lie to you.. she wants to play but doesn't feel like it would be a good situation between you guys. Maybe you can talk to her about it. maybe suggest it a way to stay in contact only once a week, nothing too personally but a way to maybe try and reconnect" Of course I am not going to reach out to my ex and suggest she still plays on the team.. That would be breaking NC. Which I am NOT going to do. She then had to finish work so she signed off. My only setback is the confirmation that she isnt playing softball because I am. I tought my ex how to play, and it was something that she actually grew a passion for - because of me. Sundays were our game nights, and we both looked forward to Sunday nights. It made me feel awesome whenever she did good, and vice versa. It was awesome... Now I fully expected her not to play this spring, but just getting confirmation that she indeed said she wasnt - because of our situtation - kind of stings.. Should I set myself back to DAY 1 of no contact since I picked that scab - indirectly?
pickflicker Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Yeah, kinda. It's been said a few times around here but NC being done correctly, means you wouldn't know if your ex died. That's when you know you're doing it right. 1
Author ithappenedagain Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 Yeah, kinda. It's been said a few times around here but NC being done correctly, means you wouldn't know if your ex died. That's when you know you're doing it right. Yep, I knew I f'd up today! Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. So back to day 1? or do i get a pass Positive note - I got a new apartment today!
pickflicker Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Yep, I knew I f'd up today! Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. So back to day 1? or do i get a pass Positive note - I got a new apartment today! Of course you get a pass. Chin up. Next time, just don't talk to the friend. It sucks, but those people connected to your ex need to go on the backburner, for at least a while. Great news on the new apartment. Decorating that will be a treat! 1
LostConfused123 Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Yep, I knew I f'd up today! Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. So back to day 1? or do i get a pass Positive note - I got a new apartment today! How exciting!! When do you move in? I wish I could send you a plant
Author ithappenedagain Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 How exciting!! When do you move in? I wish I could send you a plant Thanks! I'm moving in this Saturday Man. I am kicking myself right now for breaking one of the rules of No Contact I was a setback. It was just reassurance that she doesnt want anything to do with me I miss playing ball with her.
rosedl Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Give yourself a break. Most people, if given the situation to get an update would succumb to temptation to hear it. Sure, the ideal would have been to stop your friend and say, if is healthier for me not to talk about the relationship at this point and redirected the conversation. Just continue as you were.... The times I have broken no contact (with this break up and past situations), I ended up with more clarity not less. It broke the what ifs that I could get stuck on in my head and it drove home that this really was a permanent breakup. They did result in temporary setbacks, but the benefit gained very shortly outweighed the hurt with the additional insight I gained about myself and where I really was at. In fact, the last no contact breech I had was probably the best thing that could have happened because it broke my delusions wide apart and I have wanted to contact him since. Not sure that would have been the case if that hadn't happened. Now, the space feels healing and welcoming instead of forced and disciplined. I also took those times when I broke NC and got into feeling emotional really just sitting and allowing those feelings to come (not hold them or ruminate, just feel them) and that really helped move things along as well. It isn't a perfect process. I was mostly no contact before....now I am 9 days full no contact with no urge to break it and not having to force myself to just go through the motions every day. 1
xUnknown Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 (edited) The real question here is....What do you want? If you want to work on things, then reach out. If not, then keep doing what you're doing. Play softball. If she doesn't want to, that's her problem. You sound like you're in a good spot now. I see it as, if you reach out and she says no, then, you know the answer to your question and can finally move on and not worry about it anymore. I just realized she dumped you...soo, normally I would say, screw it, let her make the move back and try to reconcile, but its all about what do you want. If you want to toss up the idea about her joining softball and reconnecting through there - I think that would be a great start. EDIT: Read this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/457798-why-doing-nc-absolute-best-way-dumpee-dumper-s-pov Edited January 29, 2014 by xUnknown
Recommended Posts