andreap Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 (edited) I have been in a relationship for one year now. This whole year, my life have revolved around my girlfriend. I have not been or done anything anywhere without her. She has been the center of my life. Having said that, let me explain the problem. She is a jealous woman. If a beautiful woman passes by me an I even glance a little bit, she will "joke" that I have rape her with my glance, or that I am morbid. First time in my life someone tells me something like that. I have always respected women, and do not like when guys "rape" women by staring. Today, she sent me a picture of my facebook because a model accepted my friend request. She told me it was the fourth time during our 1 year relationship that she have seen that an that it disgusted her. I told her that I know my facebook updates are public, and that I may have sent that friend request a long time ago and forgot about it. I proceeded to delete the girl that accepted me. The other day she grabbed my phone, opened my instagram account, and told me there were a lot of women in there and that she was disgusted. I told her that I did not use instagram a lot and that it was probably friends from a long time. I deleted the friends she did not like. What worries me about this situtation is that we have recently been talking about marriage. The fact that she have this feelings about me bothers me a lot. I do not go out to parties with my friends, I basically work and hang out with her. I can understand that she is upset because a hot woman accepted my friend request. I cannot understand why she takes a picture of it, sends it to me to tell me how piss off or disguted she is. She makes me feel like crap. When she tells me that I am staring at other women, it makes me feel bad. I am not like that. The other day she grab my iPod (which I only use for music in my car) and started looking at pictures that I took two years ago. Pictures that I have forgot that even existed. Among the 300 hundres pictures, she found 1 with my ex girlfriend. She told me she found something that she did not like in my ipod, and that out of respect I should delete it. Today, I deleted the picture. The rest of our relationship is great, but I really want to know how to handle this situation. What should I do? Edited January 28, 2014 by andreap
pteromom Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Stop paying her off. So far, everything she has "found", you have deleted for her. As long as you keep doing that, she's going to keep up the jealousy to continue to get the reassurance that follows. You cannot enable this behavior. So when she accuses you of looking at another woman, don't give her the reassurance. Don't argue or tell her you only have eyes for her or anything that pays her off for acting like that. At the same time, be loving and kind to her, and don't roll your eyes or get angry when she accuses you. Remember that her accusation stems from her own insecurities. 1
mammasita Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I think you need to take a good look at whether or not this is something you want to deal with. I certainly wouldn't. She sounds like a ticking time bomb.
DorkBreakfast Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I deal with a jealous girlfriend by breaking up with her. Unless insecurities are your thing.
Keenly Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Your letting this woman walk all over you. And she knows it. She is being a selfish little brat and you are enabling her. Its not become an expectation that you cave for her. Add a random girl on purpose and let her throw her fit. Tell her that if she is so worried about other girls being in the picture then she needs to work harder at being a better girlfriend and she won't have to worry about that. Seriously... are you a man, or a puppy. 1
Author andreap Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 I am just trying to do whatever I need to do to keep this relationship going. Anyway, she broke up with me. She told me she could not deal with me betraying her trust like that. How could I have added those trampy women to my facebook while we were dating. I told her that I added them a long time before we were dating. That maybe one I may have added it during the first month I met her, but that we were not even in a relationship then. That I forgot about it. During all this year I have been hers, completely loyal that I have never lied or cheated on her. She told me she did not believe me and that she wanted to end our relationship. I said very well then, but that I wanted to make something clear. Never in my life I have been accused of being morbid, liar or not honorable at all. I told her that I was sad that in my only meaningful relationship, my girlfriend would believe I am like that.
Keenly Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I am just trying to do whatever I need to do to keep this relationship going. Anyway, she broke up with me. She told me she could not deal with me betraying her trust like that. How could I have added those trampy women to my facebook while we were dating. I told her that I added them a long time before we were dating. That maybe one I may have added it during the first month I met her, but that we were not even in a relationship then. That I forgot about it. During all this year I have been hers, completely loyal that I have never lied or cheated on her. She told me she did not believe me and that she wanted to end our relationship. I said very well then, but that I wanted to make something clear. Never in my life I have been accused of being morbid, liar or not honorable at all. I told her that I was sad that in my only meaningful relationship, my girlfriend would believe I am like that. First sentence says it all. You have no spine. The REAL reason she left... and was too cowardly to say. Also I am sorry to hear that.
Author andreap Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 I was tough on our discussion too. I told her that trust is a one time only thing. If she did not trust me then we should break up. I have been nothing but loyal to her. If she felt that because a facebook friend request that I sent a long time ago we should end a relationship then obviously our relationship was weak and that she did not know whom she was dealing with.
Author andreap Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 I told her that I understood why she was angry, but that I did not send those friend request during our relationship. She doesnt believe me, she tells me that if was during our relationship. Is it just me, or is it crazy to end a one year relationship because of 4 accepted friend request that were sent a long time ago?
Syreeni Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Well, that is another perspective... Both of you have the right to have deal breakers in a relationship. Neither of you need to settle for something that causes stress, hurt, and unhappiness. Both of you need to figure out what those things are and not settle for less. Both of you have the right to have things that you are sensitive about as people. If someone cares about you, they will understand and pay closer attention to the things that set that off. ( if you have a fear of heights, you would want her to take that into consideration instead of ignoring and completely disregarding that about you- she shouldn't take you to a 10 story building for a surprise picnic on the roof ledge then stand on it bouncing up and down like a loon) If she did not calmly express her fear/concern in regard to the "hot" girl, looking/FB feed- friendship/ex being a problem for her, giving you a chance to do something about it AND a choice if you want to do something about it...she should have and either she wasn't understanding the depth of her negative feelings or she simply lacked maturity to express that request/need. That being said, if you can list the exact issues she pointed out at various times in an entire year, why was their no effort to fix the issue? Clearly you understood the things that were upsetting her and you kept playing the clueless card. Most ladies, someless-some more so, have an issue with pictures of the ex around, "hot" girlie friendships/pics, flirtation, checking other women out, ect. Chalk it up to being paranoid of being cheated on, the medias over sexualization of females, bad past relationships...it doesn't matter the reason, it exists and that's enough. If you must have/do all of those things, that's fine...but that doesn't mean she has to accept that. It then becomes a deal breaker for both of you, move on. You are simply not a good match. If that was not a deal breaker for you and you choose to be sensitive to her needs...which is sort of what I think you were saying you "thought" you were doing...why did you let a year go by and not clean out/up your photos, friend lists on social media, computer...any other place you may have "hot" girls and ex's photos? You clearly saw how upset she got the first time around....that would have been your clue to 1. Talk about it calmly, together 2. Do something about it, if you are agreeable. You could have just simply done it, without provocation from her, when you knew the relationship was serious, just to be proactive and considerate. Or when you first noticed this stuff was an issue for her. (Should she keep taking to the roof's edge 4 times after she saw how freaked out you get with heights?) If you talk to her again, which I figure will happen, it usually does...perhaps you both can state your expectations and needs and both owe each other an appology. Her, for lack of maturity in expressing her needs and flipping out because she didn't do that. You, for being insensitive by dragging your feet on something you knew was a hot button for her. Both of you need to talk and find out why and how this is an issue for her and what you both can do about that, so both of you can feel peace. If you don't get back together...then the issues were simply to big to surmount, figure out what you learned about yourself and yourself in a relationship, move forward. You are very correct, trust is one of, if not, the most important things in a relationship- once broken it is very difficult to repair, if ever. If you are able to repair it, it will still always be misshapen, never as it was when had the first time. That is something to consider. One last tip: Many woman consider it disrespectful to check out other women when your woman is with you. Even some men to do and refrain from doing that for the same reason. The only people that make the guidelines for your relationship are the two people involved. Communicate, get on the same page, respect each other as people so you can honor the relationship. Its your life to be whatever type man you want to be. Just one females perspective- Good Luck to you!
pickflicker Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 (edited) There is no WAY I'd put up with this. I would 'deal' with it by dumping them. Edit: Looks like she took care of that for you. Bullet dodged, my friend, consider this a blessing in disguise. Now just be sure when she comes sniffing around you again, that you shut her down. No, no, no, a thousand times no reconciliation. Edited January 29, 2014 by pickflicker
Author andreap Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 I did not "clean" my facebook because I dont use it anymore. Yesterday I stay up until 1 am figuring out how to clean friend requests from a long time ago. I am not even angry because the relationship is over. I mean, she is breaking up because a 4 FRIEND REQUEST I SENT A YEAR AGO! And because she saw in my instagram a girl that is a designer that posted pictures of herself kind of sexy. First I dont even use instagram, I never check it out. Second, why am I to blame for the pictures that girl posted. Third, what is she doing checking my accounts. How does she find out who accepted my friend request BEFORE i do it!
panoramicview Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 @syreeni- what you're saying would make sense if her expectations were reasonable. She is all but expecting him not to exist and function normally in the world. She grabs and searches through his phone and iPod without permission, berates him for normal human interactions, and stalks his social media. Would you have the same advice if this were a man?
Syreeni Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 (edited) I'm just going to say it simply. It is clear that you both are young. It is important for young people to have a few confusing, bad relationships otherwise you never learn about yourself or what it takes to include someone else in your life. I can not fault either of you with conviction, because of this. If the world were perfect, we would enjoy our youth with various " hot" partners, never getting emotionally involved so we never have to feel negative emotions, then when we we're ready for our forever relationship- our dream would appear before us and we would be in utter bliss because we think and feel exactly the same, all wrapped up in our idea of perfection. We wouldn't have to learn, grow, compromise and consider. I do not think this is the girl for you. It is common for people, especially young ones, to keep retrying a relationship. Which is why I included all of the things I said previously. It was just thoughts fro consideration, for this relationship or future ones. I can almost guarantee that this will not be the last time you face these same issues within a relationship and I don't think its as simple as say "dump them if they doesn't think as I think, feel as I feel" that is a poor execution of maturity, empathy, honesty and communication. Within social media, I believe there is a way to control whom you invite, remove, rescind friend request...and remove the page entirely. You should also have the control to delete photos you posted, or others posted to your wall. It is also common for people to "Google" you, seeing all of your social media content and you can bet the will look you up on sites that people use their real name as opposed to a handle, such as Facebook. You should get in the habit of taking control of your own created social media, or this will keep being an issue. How did she know of your friend request before you? She either saw an automatic post on your page that said " so and so is now friends with so and so", saw your friend number increase and looked to see whom you friended..or least likely but it happens...she guessed your password. However, given the information, it was probably one of the first two since that is the simplest way for someone that you have friended, to see who else you are friends with. She isn't breaking up with you because of 4 friend request. She is breaking up with you because she doesn't trust you. Since you have mentioned more instances that that last one and her responses, I feel safe in saying this is a cumulation of events all circling around trust and the lack of it for you on her part, not one specific instance. I don't know if you were trustworthy or not. Your ex/girlfriend has her reasons why she didn't feel trust for you. It seems she is being genuine in her feelings, not using it as an excuse for something else like she can't stand how your feet smell...so maybe you need to process the relationship and see if there are things you could have said or done that you did not. Use the relationship for personal growth and further figuring out yourself, woman, boundaries, deal breakers, wants, needs....etc. But you must take responsibility for your actions and words, or lack of. Just as she must do exactly the same thing. This includes taking responsibility and control of all your social media and devices ( phone, iPod...) You should know what you have on it and what you are putting out there. Especially when you begin an exclusive relationship, they will want to know your content and interact using it. Many males feel the same way about their girl's social media and devices, they get up in arms f an ex is " friended" or they are receiving text or tagged in a photo...its just how things are today. You or your partner may not have control over what someone else does, but you do have responsibility for and control in how you handle it. Also for preventing it in the first place, if possible. If all of that fails, then I hope with mutual communication, honesty, and understanding you are able to continue having a heathy happy relationship. It s a work in progress...we are not born knowing how to do that. Much of life is figured out via trial and error, heartbreak and elation, hard work and knowing when to step back and just listen. Both of you have things to figure out in life, and that's ok. You both will move forward, hopefully, with a better understanding, and that is how life goes. Edited January 29, 2014 by Syreeni
PegNosePete Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 If a beautiful woman passes by me an I even glance a little bit, she will "joke" that I have rape her with my glance Frankly she sounds mentally unstable. That is not a thing that a normal person would say or even joke about.
Author andreap Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 (edited) Syreeni, I know that the problem is that she doesnt trust me anymore. But why she doesnt trust me? Because 4 skanky looking women accepted a friend request that I have sent before we met? I cant control the past, I never even thought old friend request will come to haunt me. Maybe one, and that is a BIG MAYBE, was an invitation during our first month we met. We were not even together then. Everyone that knows me, even her friends, have told her that I am a gentleman, trustworthy and that they have never seen me so serious in a relationship. Then out of the sudden she breaks up with me, because friend requests I have sent before we met!? Because of THIS she does not trust me? I have never lied to her, I have been for her in good and bad. Edited January 29, 2014 by andreap
pteromom Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I told her that I understood why she was angry, but that I did not send those friend request during our relationship. Doesn't matter. You are allowed to have female friends, even while in a relationship.
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