jaded32 Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Hey all, First the support on the forum is unlike anything I've ever seen and I'd like to thank each one of you in advance. I will not go into a long history rant but give the short version of this all.. My ex and I had been dating on/off for over 3 years, I have always been the one to break things off and while it may seem silly, to be honest I didn't give her all she deserves, and didn't understand the concepts of a relationship such as communication and respect. She's not been very trusting of me ever, and while we are currently working on making things right this time. We are in the early stages of reconciling and i'm seeing a therapist and doing great and we go on dates every few nights... we talk all day... yada yada Now, i broke up with her about a month ago, and during that time I did date and hook up with a semi-mutual friend of hers. The question is whether to tell her or not. She also has (and possibly still is currently) "dating" someone she met during our breakup period, but while we work to reconcile things she tells me that I broke things off and whoever she is seeing or talking to is "none of my business". Everyone knows we will get back together, we constantly talk, and she has told me she loves me, and in short she knows "i am the one" but she wants to see consistency and that this time i really have changed before she takes me back. So do I tell her about the other girl to keep things open or honest, or keep my mouth shut and use the same defense she used against me, although i did the breaking up? Also the fact that she hasn't found out about the other girl yet, may mean to either never tell her or tell her when she isnt in such limbo as whether to get back with me or not.. Would love here your opinions
pickflicker Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 The other girl is a minor issue. If you all know one another, it might be worth telling her. The bigger concern is this: if you're breaking up on and off with this girl, you need to strongly consider is this relationship is worthwhile. And so does she. Personally, I only give one second chance, and then I'm out. Rinse-and-repeaters like yourself are hell on a person's self-esteem. If you're serious about her, then be serious, or leave now. 2
strive Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Why did you break up with her? I think that's an important factor so people would know what kind of advice to give. If you guys have trust issues and you don't tell her about the other girl, when she finds out it'll be so much worse. Better she gets the news from you, but do it as carefully as you can. My concern is you're only one month post-BU. I don't think people make major changes in that short amount of time. Kudos to you for working on it with a therapist, but I suggest taking it very VERY slow so history won't repeat.
d0nnivain Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 You have to get off this dysfunctional roller coaster. The cycle of breaking up & getting back together is unhealthy. Why do you think you should tell her about the girl you dated while you & your GF were apart? To me that's rubbing salt in a wound.
Author jaded32 Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 I broke it off because i was suffering from a lot of lifestyle changes and depression (both are progressively getting better, but require alot more time). I I wasnt happy with myself and therefore wasn't happy with her and lead to this major break up. As things started to improve, I realized i was happiest with her, I cant imagine life without her, she's been supportive, motivating, and makes me a better person. We are slowly working back at things and she keeps stressing the importance of open honest communication, but i know telling her about the other girl i went on two dates with will demolish everything! And should I even be telling her what has happened if she herself won't speak about what is going on with other men she is dating?
darkmoon Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 (edited) tell your girl that the other girl was dull, hideous without make-up, padded bra-ed, and cheap, and importantly, not some1 you will want to know in the future, she must never matter to you again I would have said be tactful and say nothing, but as you all know each other, well, you were not dating each other at the time, have some great dinner lined up too, something nice to move swiftly onto, to change the subject and atmnosphere Edited January 28, 2014 by darkmoon
Author jaded32 Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 There is no shot she will take it lightly, as the other girl is quite attractive, but thats about it. In time however, she will likely hear something or other about it from a friend of a friend... Just thinking at this point not to bring it up.
pickflicker Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I broke it off because i was suffering from a lot of lifestyle changes and depression (both are progressively getting better, but require alot more time). I I wasnt happy with myself and therefore wasn't happy with her and lead to this major break up. As things started to improve, I realized i was happiest with her, I cant imagine life without her, she's been supportive, motivating, and makes me a better person. We are slowly working back at things and she keeps stressing the importance of open honest communication, but i know telling her about the other girl i went on two dates with will demolish everything! And should I even be telling her what has happened if she herself won't speak about what is going on with other men she is dating? I wuld normally advocate that what happens when broken up is irrelevant and to keep it to yourself, but in this instance, they know one another (correct?), and you have broken up with her multiple times. Now is the time for brutal honesty, if you're serious about making a proper go of it. As I said, rinse-and-repeaters like yourself need to be prepared to lay ALL cards on the table, if you have a hope of being trusted again. Right now, you're advocating building the relationship on deceit, which tells me you've learned little about how to have a successful relationship. If you'd broken up once, if you'd had a quiet one night stand with a stranger not known to either of you, I would advocate silence. But in your case - lay it out if you're serious. And she doesn't have to tell you about her post-break up behaviour. You're the serial dumper, you're the one with something to prove. She's proven her loyalty, she doesn't owe you anything.
redbaron005 Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 So do I tell her about the other girl to keep things open or honest, or keep my mouth shut and use the same defense she used against me, although i did the breaking up? Yes, I would tell her.
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