starryeyedsurprise Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I am a wreck, so confused, full of anxiety today. Crying at work non-stop. You can read my full story in my threads, but I was dating a man, who was engaged to someone else last year, but I did not know I was the OW. We were together for 6 months, future talking, moving in talk, marriage, etc. Than I found out about her, and I tried to end it. Since then, for the last 5 months, we have gone back and forth, up and down, NC and contact. The longest we went was a month with NC, and we always seem to find each other. The last time a few weeks ago, he came to a bar I was at while I was watching my favorite band. He knew I was going to be there. Told me he loved me, cared, missed me, that I am the most important person in his life and I changed him and did so much for him. He and the "fiance" have been broken up since last August, and have almost no communication. They are done. I love this man with all my heart, the connection we had is still there. I have dated other men for the past few months, but I think it was only for a distraction, to get over him. You see, I have everything in line with my life, family, son, work, friends, health, body, etc. I am happy, except my love life. He knows I have been dating, and he thinks I am moving on. Today, I told him exactly how I feel. I let him know exactly how much I care and love him. How important he is, that I want "us" back. He is going through hell right now fixing his life. He has told me over and over that he wants me in his life, but as friends for now. He has so many things to take care of. Battling past demons, finding an apartment, paying off tons of debt he owes people, removing bad influences in his life, re-establishing a relationship with his 7 year old, etc. He said that he hasn't thought about feelings or emotions in a while because he feels it distracts him from what he needs to take care of now. What am I supposed to do? Walk away from him? Stay and hope? I battle these feelings 24/7, and I can honestly say that I never felt comfortable or love for another man in my life, and I am 38, and have had several LTR. Do I walk away and turn my back? Or do I stay and just live on hope?
Quiet Storm Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 (edited) He lied to you for a very long time. Don't just judge him by the intensity of your feelings. Judge him by his character and actions. Bad influences, absence from his kids life, demons, owing money to people? I suggest that you live your life, date others, and see if he manages to get his life together, on his own. His old girlfriend could be waiting and hoping, too. Hopefully you will meet a better guy and forget all about waiting for this one. I think if he missed you so much and you are the most important person in his life, he would be jumping to get another chance with you. It doesn't make sense that he only wants to be friends. His actions aren't matching his words, and he's a proven liar. You should just move on. Being friends will just keep you stuck. Edited January 28, 2014 by Quiet Storm 7
Author starryeyedsurprise Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 Ughhh, Quiet Storm, I know this. My brain tells me everyday to just cut all contact with him. My gut says go....but my heart, oh my heart gives in every time we talk. He told me today that I need to do what I need to do, but he would still love to hangout and talk all the time. I am broken, stuck, confused and crying.
Author starryeyedsurprise Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 When's their wedding date? They are no longer together.
Quiet Storm Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Ughhh, Quiet Storm, I know this. My brain tells me everyday to just cut all contact with him. My gut says go....but my heart, oh my heart gives in every time we talk. He told me today that I need to do what I need to do, but he would still love to hangout and talk all the time. I am broken, stuck, confused and crying. You have to use your logic to reign your heart in. Think of your heart as a kid that's about to chase a ball into traffic. You can use logic to babysit your heart, and keep it safe. I think being friends will just keep you emotionally involved and wanting more. Don't give him the benefit of your company, your companionship and your conversation if he can't or won't give you what you want. That would be settling, and will leave you disappointed and unsatisfied. You will be sad for awhile, but you will grieve the loss of him and be OK. 1
Author starryeyedsurprise Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 You have to use your logic to reign your heart in. Think of your heart as a kid that's about to chase a ball into traffic. You can use logic to babysit your heart, and keep it safe. I think being friends will just keep you emotionally involved and wanting more. Don't give him the benefit of your company, your companionship and your conversation if he can't or won't give you what you want. That would be settling, and will leave you disappointed and unsatisfied. You will be sad for awhile, but you will grieve the loss of him and be OK. Tears ;-( yes I will be OK. I have to tell him all or nothing. That I can't sit around hoping and praying for him to "fix his life"..... and then that part of me feels guilt....guilt because he told me everyone in his life has turned their back on him or abondoned him in some way. This push pull he has on me will slowly destroy and kill my spirit. This is the worst feeling in the world. I keep asking myself why and how did I allow this. Why I continue with his behavior, and not respecting my own boundaries.
mheath Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 It already seems like you know what you should do but of course actually doing it is another story. It also seems like you have really no choice but to distance yourself from him since you both want different things and it pains you to be around him if it's not what you want. If he really loved you and wanted to be with you he would. I mean if you were going through a time similar to what he was, wouldn't you want someone around who you loved to be with and could depend on? His logic doesn't totally make sense. If a person loves another they want to be with them romantically and can't avoid that feeling. You are an example of someone with those feelings. I wish that it could work out the way you want it to, and maybe it will, but from what I've read it seems like it's just damaging for you and the rougher route is probably the one you'll have to take. Maybe when the guy is finished with all the stuff he is dealing with it could work, but waiting around for him is not good for you and deters you from meeting other great people and enjoying your life which sounds wonderful. It's hard, but absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder, in fact sometimes it makes the heart forget. Just make a decision and see what happens with it. I truly wish you the best and hope that things start to turn around one of these days.
Popsicle Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 If I were you I'd hang in there but just give him his space to work his life out.
whichwayisup Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 They are no longer together. Are you 100% sure of this? I mean, the guy lied and omitted the fact he was engaged to someone while getting involved with you. How could you trust him at his word again? Since there is a child involved, you can't compete. Back off and let him sort his life out. When he is settled and on his own (that is IF his engagement really is over and they broke up), and ready to date again, then date him. Until then, live your life and don't rely on him or make him a priority in your life. I keep asking myself why and how did I allow this. Why I continue with his behavior, and not respecting my own boundaries. Now you have that chance, respecting boundaries and allowing him to fix himself and his life. 1
Author starryeyedsurprise Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 It already seems like you know what you should do but of course actually doing it is another story. It also seems like you have really no choice but to distance yourself from him since you both want different things and it pains you to be around him if it's not what you want. If he really loved you and wanted to be with you he would. I mean if you were going through a time similar to what he was, wouldn't you want someone around who you loved to be with and could depend on? His logic doesn't totally make sense. If a person loves another they want to be with them romantically and can't avoid that feeling. You are an example of someone with those feelings. I wish that it could work out the way you want it to, and maybe it will, but from what I've read it seems like it's just damaging for you and the rougher route is probably the one you'll have to take. Maybe when the guy is finished with all the stuff he is dealing with it could work, but waiting around for him is not good for you and deters you from meeting other great people and enjoying your life which sounds wonderful. It's hard, but absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder, in fact sometimes it makes the heart forget. Just make a decision and see what happens with it. I truly wish you the best and hope that things start to turn around one of these days. This is so true, I have thought about it a million times. Wouldn't it make sense to have me by his side, to help him along in the process? Isn't that what relationships are? He would rather do it alone, as he told me yesterday he is done with asking for help from people. Last year, he told me he became to dependant on me, and started to push me away. You are right, logically none of this makes sense.
Author starryeyedsurprise Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 If I were you I'd hang in there but just give him his space to work his life out. Thanks Popsicle, I have no other choice but to back off, continue living my life, and hopefully pray for the best. However, I already know deap down that this is over, and he won't give a second thought about me.
Author starryeyedsurprise Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 Are you 100% sure of this? I mean, the guy lied and omitted the fact he was engaged to someone while getting involved with you. How could you trust him at his word again? Since there is a child involved, you can't compete. Back off and let him sort his life out. When he is settled and on his own (that is IF his engagement really is over and they broke up), and ready to date again, then date him. Until then, live your life and don't rely on him or make him a priority in your life. Now you have that chance, respecting boundaries and allowing him to fix himself and his life. Yes, I am 100% sure they are done. The child was hers, not theirs. He hasn't seen them in months. They were "done" before I even came in the picture, according to him he checked out of that relationship before she did. That is an f'd up situation.....however yes they are done. Unfortunately, I made him a priority in my life, and I am not in his. Hard to admit, but this is my problem. I am co-dependant, have been my whole life. I have done therapy, read books, taken care of myself. Yet, I can't break the cycle.
SoleMate Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 What am I supposed to do? Walk away from him? Since you asked....Yes! Stay and hope? I battle these feelings 24/7, and I can honestly say that I never felt comfortable or love for another man in my life, and I am 38, and have had several LTR. You may want to consider why you say you feel comfortable with and loving towards this man, and still are asking for people to talk you "off the ledge". Do I walk away and turn my back? I'd say, walk away and live your life. Look for people who are honest, and be honest with yourself. Or do I stay and just live on hope? You don't live together and you aren't in a 2-way r/s, so "stay" must mean "stay available to him if/when he chooses to drop by a bar you're visiting". You CAN, if you want. But how depressing. Waiting for a man to throw you crumbs. You deserve better.
Author starryeyedsurprise Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 Now I don't even know if I am on the right forum anymore. Yes, I used to be the OW, without knowing. Yes, I fell for a man who has a terrible past, chaotic life, completely f'd up in my book. Yet, I love him with all my heart. I have to let him go. The reason I don't know if I should be on this forum is because he has a drinking problem now. I didn't realize this until recently. Yes, we would occassionally drink one or 2 while we were dating, but once the alcohol touched his lips he was a different person. Since we "broke" up 5 months ago, I started to notice his drinking, now realizing that he drinks EVERYDAY! Every night he goes to bars, either by himself or to meet "friends". He hasn't been working full time like he should either....now this concerns me even more. I am afraid of all this. He needs help. My heart has to listen to reason and logic. He is toxic, he lied to me from the word go. He even lied to me yesterday saying he was with his son, but he was really out drinking last night. Why lie? I will never know.
Author starryeyedsurprise Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 So, I have decided today that I will start NC and the healing process. We talked this morning, and I told him how I feel, and this isn't fair to me. I need to move on, get happy again. I am pining away and chasing someone who clearly does not care or want me. This is going to be so difficult, I can already feel anxiety and my face swollen with tears, but I have to do it. I have no other choice/options. I wish we never did the back and forth thing because I have lost the past 3 months already. I should have stuck with NC a few months back. The past is the past though, I can't live in regret. I know I tried everything, but it wasn't enough. 1
Author starryeyedsurprise Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 Run is the best thing you can do. Yes, I am trying to "run" away as fast as possible. I have to stick to NC this time...I have to do it for my own sanity. I am allowing him to treat me this way, and I am destroying myself. Not him, me! I can't do the back and forth anymore. It has to over 100% in my head....but you see that is the problem, the "what if's" play a huge role in my head. What I really should be concerned about or asking is if he will get the help he needs? He won't stop using woman, or people. He uses everyone in his life. He has nobody permantly in his life, he is a nomad, bounces around from place to place, job to job. I have to stop feeling sorry for him because if his life is really that horrible, he can fix it. Instead, he resorts to his "old" ways of drinking every night and hanging out with other toxic people. And, yes, what about the poor ex-fiance. He must have shattered her whole world more than mine. She had no clue about me, not one clue! He proposed to her after 5 months of dating, they lived together, her 2 yr old daughter called him daddy.....look what he did to them? He left of huge path of destruction, and in my opinion, he will continue this behavior. The next woman he is with will get the same, just like me, just like the ex-fiance, and all the other women in his life. 1
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