nij Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 So, I met this guy last year and I felt bad for him at first because he seemed like a very lonely guy from the internet. He has asberger's and has some social anxiety from being in social situations, he often says inappropriate things from 4chan too. He went to college, but his home-life situation was incredibly bad, but the guy( I'll call him A.) is actually really gentle and nice when he's not being a complete weirdo, lol. Anyways, we were just LD skype friends and we got a long really well, I actually started to like him but it became difficult when I knew he was 10 yrs younger than myself, so I kept my feelings hidden. One night, he asked why don't we admit we just like each other and get it over with and I declined. I often declined because I knew he was so young and probably couldn't meet my relationship standards or emotional ones. He knew about everything I did, I told him I was going through a patch where I kept getting involved with guys and they'd string me along for way too long, which kept me depressed. I got a lot of signals with no set choice with 2 specific guys spanning over 8 months, eventually I was just desperate from constant rejection for so long. I met a guy on craigslist, we hit it off but our relationship was physical, which was fine. Unfortunately, A found out about it through my gossiping friend. A got extremely upset, even threatened me a little bit because he couldn't believe how low I had sunk(which is true?) We fought for a week straight and he eventually said that we should meet up, that we should see if this can be a thing. Even then, I said okay, but I was not happy about it. I didn't want some guy who couldn't meet my needs. So, we met up and everything was more than I thought. The guy loved me before he met me and made it apparent in person, told me in person and never forced me to say it back even though I did. Truth be told, I already loved him, but was refusing to deal with it and just tried to avoid it. Our relationship has been going really well, and he went from being a NEET (Not education, employed or trained) to finding a job, working 40 hours a week and getting himself together, saving a **** ton of money so we can move in together this year. I've been feeling insecure, because I hid my relationship from my parents because they WILL judge him( i had previous LD relationships that did not work out, he's younger than me, etc) So, I've started to feel like I am using him to help me move out since my money isn't as movable as his is. If I didn't mention before, we both come from a place from abusive, ****ty parenting. My parents are abusive in the tradition ways, his are abusive by not allowing him to become an adult, they think his mental condition will make him a loser all his life and he cannot do anything for himself(They've said this.) I care about him, but I have never had someone want to do things for me, I feel like if I am not paying for everything 100% that I am doing something wrong. I feel I am taking advantage, if I don't take on all responsibilities. I feel insecure and like I should do everything without him.... Am I in love with him or am I just using him to help me move our of my ****ty situation? I have felt insecure about this ever since his parents told him that I will take all his money.
todreaminblue Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 (edited) You developed feelings while he was unemployed with no prospects.....doesnt sound like you are gold digging to me your parents well......they are abusive to you....your opinion and your life and your relationship are your choices...their judgement is null and void......if you are happy and he is happy is what counts..... personally i feel, the age gap is significant......and it wont be easy but all relationships never are they take effort and hard work to last.......he seems committed to you.....you are feeling insecure...you dont want to believe it, because you are waiting for it to end?....the happiness, his love, his commitment....normally happens after failed relationships you get scared of trusting...... trust you.....then trust him....... i dont feel anyone should have to pay 100 per cent....i think it should always be mutual......a joint sharing of financial responsibility...i have a similar problem to you...i dont like to feel paid for or a burden on a partner.......i feel guilt when they buy something and i cant buy something immediately back.....so my solution is..... i give my possessions away.....i like to do that though...share...my new partner didnt have a watch so i gave him my fave one.......he does the same thing.....he gave me his new sunnies because i broke mine......smilin similarities are important, values are important,similar beliefs, similar life goals and aspirations are important....the fact you fell for him while he had no money.......tell you something doesnt it?....its not about the money....... trust him....trust you....love him ...love you......try your best to make it work....thats all you can do...best wishes...hugs...deb Edited January 28, 2014 by todreaminblue
justwhoiam Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I think you're not ready yet for this guy. He's 10 years younger and I can understand you being doubtful about it. Give it a bit more time to see if it can work. I'm not sure about how old you both are. I guess there are more chances if you're 40 and he's 30 than you being 30 and he being 20. But ok. It greatly depends on the kind of man he is. On his personality. It's usually against the odds, but not impossible. Anyway, if you intend to go on with him, you need to disregard other people's opinion.
Author nij Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 I think you're not ready yet for this guy. He's 10 years younger and I can understand you being doubtful about it. Give it a bit more time to see if it can work. I'm not sure about how old you both are. I guess there are more chances if you're 40 and he's 30 than you being 30 and he being 20. But ok. It greatly depends on the kind of man he is. On his personality. It's usually against the odds, but not impossible. Anyway, if you intend to go on with him, you need to disregard other people's opinion. It's actually that I'm 31 and he's 21. He went from just being a regular neet to wanting to improve himself, even after I denied him over and over. I love him so much, I get insecure about a guy who actually wanted me like this.
OnlyHonesty Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 (edited) If you could afford to move out on your own and you had more options with guys that met your requirements and you also had the option of moving in with this guy, would you still do it? The fact that you are asking us and yourselves whether you are using him as a means to escape and that you mention the money and other aspects suggests that you already know all of the answers. In my opinion, it is highly unlikely that the moving in together will work because I feel you are escaping, not leaving in your own time, not leaving for the right reasons and the love you talk about does not sound congruent. All are my opinions, I could be completely wrong, only you know. Often the answers lie within the questions we feel we need to ask ourselves and others. If I were you, I would start being more honest with yourself. You are embarrassed to tell your family about this guy. I would never be with someone who was like that and ask yourself this. If the next time you met up with this guy, you said 'oh by the way, I won't be telling my parents about you because they will judge you (translates to I am afraid of being judged)', how do you think he will feel? You said you love him but your forum post here begins with 'do I love him?' Edited January 30, 2014 by OnlyHonesty 1
Tayla Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Quite frankly, its a mixture of Both as to the original inquiry. By nature folks are opportunistic. As for the age...its a matter of how they both are - Mature, responsible, carry similar values whilst maintaining individual goals. I've met 60 year olds that haven't grown out of their 20's mindset ( that includes chasing girls of that age), to Ladies who deliberately Momma their young love interest...Its disturbing to some extent, yet also the extreme and not the norm. I'm glad the OP is protective of her potential suitor, parents can indeed be cruel in the judgement category. She has every right to use her best judgment when it comes to sparing any harsh feelings from brewing. I waiver though on whether this is true love or a Broken wing romance....or maybe none at all, but rather a ride out of where they are... Time will tell...just hope they both grow from this....Gonna root for em!
Author nij Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 If you could afford to move out on your own and you had more options with guys that met your requirements and you also had the option of moving in with this guy, would you still do it? The fact that you are asking us and yourselves whether you are using him as a means to escape and that you mention the money and other aspects suggests that you already know all of the answers. In my opinion, it is highly unlikely that the moving in together will work because I feel you are escaping, not leaving in your own time, not leaving for the right reasons and the love you talk about does not sound congruent. All are my opinions, I could be completely wrong, only you know. Often the answers lie within the questions we feel we need to ask ourselves and others. If I were you, I would start being more honest with yourself. You are embarrassed to tell your family about this guy. I would never be with someone who was like that and ask yourself this. If the next time you met up with this guy, you said 'oh by the way, I won't be telling my parents about you because they will judge you (translates to I am afraid of being judged)', how do you think he will feel? You said you love him but your forum post here begins with 'do I love him?' I have a bad habit of often thinking I don't love someone because I feel like I'm doing something I might not be doing. I make sure I love and am with him for all the right reasons. He knows about me not telling my parents and he understands, because my parents have ruined other relationships of mine through judgement. (Have accused me last boyfriend of being gay, of lying about his disease to 'reel' me in. My last bf had diabetes type one, which was very real. Called him rude because he was having really low blood sugar and took orange juice from the fridge without asking.) My parents make having a boyfriend/lover very difficult, they hated my sister's husband for 5 years of the 10 years they've been together. I plan to tell them when I move in, because they can't say awful things about him where it can affect our relationship like before. I'm in control of how the relationship goes and not them this time. I've also had opportunities to date other men, at least three others and I've turned them down. One of the men in question is a successful businessman who works downtown and is also a navy seal. :\ I still turned him down so I could be with A. I think I have ulterior motives, but I don't have much bank behind them. If I was making ALL the money, paying ALL the bills and he paid nothing then I would not be questioning it. :\ I'm open and honest with him, so is he. I told him all of this and he told me to just stop being weird about it. >_>; Which...I am a really weird girl.
Author nij Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 Quite frankly, its a mixture of Both as to the original inquiry. By nature folks are opportunistic. As for the age...its a matter of how they both are - Mature, responsible, carry similar values whilst maintaining individual goals. I've met 60 year olds that haven't grown out of their 20's mindset ( that includes chasing girls of that age), to Ladies who deliberately Momma their young love interest...Its disturbing to some extent, yet also the extreme and not the norm. I'm glad the OP is protective of her potential suitor, parents can indeed be cruel in the judgement category. She has every right to use her best judgment when it comes to sparing any harsh feelings from brewing. I waiver though on whether this is true love or a Broken wing romance....or maybe none at all, but rather a ride out of where they are... Time will tell...just hope they both grow from this....Gonna root for em! He says I don't mother him, I asked him. The guy has no real filter, so he says exactly what he is thinking, he doesn't lie either. When he wants something that's what he wants, his parents try to stamp his ambitions out by saying he's a loser and I'm a user. :\ His mother has problems allowing her children to be adults. She has a 11 year old son who hasn't been in school since he was in second grade (no schoolin in all that time),a daughter who hasn't attended school since she was 15 and she pulled A out at 16. She doesn't home school, she refuses to aid them in things they need even though she makes 130,000 a year. She has abusive tendancies and issues with hoarding. I often imagine my life with him, I often think I'm holding him back and he thinks he is holding me back. Being with this guy feel different than other guys, I get so excited when we talk about our future. I get am so happy when we were together, the moment the two of us hugged was like the first time I was ever hugged that way as if I was the only person that ever mattered to him.
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