lkey Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 It doesn't matter that you were arguing with him, he should never blame you for his indiscretions. That is unacceptable and if he is serious on working on the marriage, he cannot have lapses of judgment like that. 3
i am gutted Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 I'm going to look for that book. My husband essentially told me yesterday the affair is my fault, but he's hurting because we had a screaming match, so I really don't know if that is how he meant it all. All I know is it is like starting at square one because of how nasty and hurtful he was. And probably the same for him from me. No that's not a nice thing to say.......being betrayed and then being blamed? hell no 1
i am gutted Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 I'm going to look for that book. My husband essentially told me yesterday the affair is my fault, but he's hurting because we had a screaming match, so I really don't know if that is how he meant it all. All I know is it is like starting at square one because of how nasty and hurtful he was. And probably the same for him from me. hi C and H...........I found this book mentioned download and I am doing it too to have a look. Download - Free download ebooks in pdf format
i am gutted Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 hi C and H...........I found this book mentioned download and I am doing it too to have a look. Download - Free download ebooks in pdf format no don't do it.........it put heaps of pop ups on my laptop. will see if I can find another one. ended up having heaps of other stuff I don't want installed. sorry bout that 1
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 We had a better talk today and I am not sure that's what he meant to be doing. He's lashing out because of his guilt and his struggle to keep facing the decision he made to cheat. I think I took it all that way because of my anger and hurt, but no, nothing justifies what he did and he has no right to blame me. Will I take responsiblity for some issues in the marriage? Yes...but NOT for an affair he CHOSE to have. I will NEVER take the blame for that stupid move. NEVER. Nothing ever excuses that and I told him that, flat out, more than once today. We were on the phone at the time so I couldn't see his face but I think he got the point that his attempts at emotional blackmail will no longer work on me. I don't, truly, feel tha he even realizes he does this. It's his go to defense mechanism and he said his counselor told him that and is working on it with them. He told me later his next appointment is two weeks out but he wants to call and see if he can get in this week instead after how he reacted to everythig -- he said no matter how I was acting, he should have handled his reactions much better. It's something I'm really working on too. I react so quickly and get angry so fast because of how hurt I am and he reacts so quickly because of what a crappy person he feels like now. It doesn't matter that you were arguing with him, he should never blame you for his indiscretions. That is unacceptable and if he is serious on working on the marriage, he cannot have lapses of judgment like that.
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 Thanks for the warning! no don't do it.........it put heaps of pop ups on my laptop. will see if I can find another one. ended up having heaps of other stuff I don't want installed. sorry bout that
mercy Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 (edited) confusedandhurt, sorry my post is confusing, I took half a sleeping pill last night. ps. thank you to those that understood my point. xoxooxo Edited February 9, 2014 by mercy
xxlostlovexx Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Ths sounds mostly like a question of how often to talk about it, and I think it's extraordinarily common to ask the exact questions you're asking. Some people have had great success at structuring times to talk about it. I had to admit that painful discussions every night were exactly that. Frankly, we both needed the sleep. It's also common for a wayward to feel incessantly punished by conversations (which is an issue that needs to be resolved). For me, an optimum system was M/W/F for an hour and a half, MC on Thursday, and we tried to take a break on weekends. Owl (smart guy, that one) had a suggestion of always ending on time and celebrating with something you both like (like ice cream). My wife and I had some success in using a journal that went back and forth on our nightstands. Having a successful negotiation has its rewards. However, sometimes a wayward's silence is simply avoidance. They are still hiding things, which is really just lying and continued conflict-avoidance. I think perhaps the toughest part is knowing which kind of wayward you've got on your hands; are they truly remorseful or not? That part by itself can take years. It took me a good 9 months to fully realize that my wife needed to be kicked to the curb (and by that time, she was done with me, too). Welcome to the hard work of reconciliation, right? Many think of every minute you stay as a gift. How much patience do you have for him to show that he's truly remorseful? Sorry, I gave you more questions than answers but hopefully something in there helps. im glad to hear this. everything ive read is black or white when it comes to this and never in between... if he is a bit stand offish about talking every single time i bring things up again he must be hiding things he must be lying... but i didnt believe this is fully true. i think its right on the money saying they feel punishment. because it does seem to hurt him everytime i have to talk about it or ask Q's. thanks for this
underpants Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Why do you let yourself feel reduced by staying? I just don't understand the thought process. Its like Rube Goldberg machine logic that I read here sometimes. I have to unselfishly stay for the kids, so I can mirror bad coping skills and acceptance of those behaviors to my children. Money, security...so your marriage is like a bad job at Wal Mart. I have to unhappily stay because he is tall enough to reach the top shelf, and that invention called a stool has not reached my side of the country yet. So, you really, really, really, really love him. Okay, you are really, really, really, really showing him what you will put up with, and you hate yourself a little for caving. Divorce. You can always remarry if it is meant to be. You show the other spouse through definate action. It make make him better for you or for someone else. You may wind up a lesson someone else benefits from, so be it, stay true to yourself. Although unthinkable, someone else may be in your future that won't make you feel reduced. Not all, not even most relationships last forever, it is just reality. Leave on a high wave.
jwi71 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 We had a better talk today and I am not sure that's what he meant to be doing. He's lashing out because of his guilt and his struggle to keep facing the decision he made to cheat. I think I took it all that way because of my anger and hurt, but no, nothing justifies what he did and he has no right to blame me. Will I take responsiblity for some issues in the marriage? Yes...but NOT for an affair he CHOSE to have. I will NEVER take the blame for that stupid move. NEVER. Nothing ever excuses that and I told him that, flat out, more than once today. We were on the phone at the time so I couldn't see his face but I think he got the point that his attempts at emotional blackmail will no longer work on me. I don't, truly, feel tha he even realizes he does this. It's his go to defense mechanism and he said his counselor told him that and is working on it with them. He told me later his next appointment is two weeks out but he wants to call and see if he can get in this week instead after how he reacted to everythig -- he said no matter how I was acting, he should have handled his reactions much better. It's something I'm really working on too. I react so quickly and get angry so fast because of how hurt I am and he reacts so quickly because of what a crappy person he feels like now. 6 months sounds about right for this percolating brew of emotion to overflow. Read that again. Catch the nuance? Its NORMAL. For you both. A milestone on the well worn path to ...recovery or D. Nearly everyone hits it...and I would say around the 6 month mark. You know, the initial shock and pain have subsided from sharp and stabbing to dull and gnawing - with the odd flare up now and again. Normal. His reactions...I'll not say "normal" but certainly not unheard of. And TRY to not take it to heart. After all, who wants to look in the mirror and see ugly? (no one) Six months is SO early in the path to recovery. It takes years. 5 - 7 "they" say. I agree. I think others will as well. Oh, if you think, down the road, when it looks even darker...that getting a D will somehow abbreviate the recovery time...it doesn't. 5 - 7 no matter what - D or not...that's the path for you both - M or not. So...I see positives here. He is in IC. I think you are too - if not go. MC...yeah, you guys NEED that too. Again, if not in MC then start. Allow all three therapists to communicate w/ one another. It'll help immensely. Did you catch the part where he recognized his own bad emotional blackmailing and moved up his appt? Outstanding! Another positive. How about the part where you basically told him to take his emotional blackmail and shove it up his ass? Woohoo! Good on you. Now, while the anger driving it happened to lead to a positive (standing up for yourself)...one must be wary of anger. Be vigilant against it. The road is long and hard...every step forward will, at times, be undone by two steps back. Normal. Its a process. I see good here. I'll even let you in on a secret...three WILL be a day, where the A doesn't matter. Regardless if your M survives or not...the day does COME. There WILL be a day, you're H - or xH - isn't some God-awful misshapen troll beast from the bowels of hell. (But I get the sense...you guys got a chance) One day at a time. Left foot, right foot, left again...
BeholdtheMan Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 He's been cheerful and wonderful and doing all he can to change himself and our marriage.He needs to be more than cheerful and wonderful He needs to be understanding, remorseful, and empathetic. All the good cheer and wonder won't do you any good if he can't help you process the pain. It sounds to me like he just doesn't want to go through that ordeal. Most cheaters apologise and expect the betrayed to start acting "normal" after a few months He has the day off of work but says he is thinking of going in just to get away. He can't handle me talking about it at all. He acts like I'm never supposed to think about it or talk about it now that we are reconciling. I hate that it is fresh in my mind right now but I can't help thinking what it was like last year and how much it all hurt. This is a very bad sign. If he can't handle you lashing out or being pissed off on a pretty frequent basis during the first year or two, I would say he's not truly remorseful and willing to do the heavy lifting to save your marriage. He still just wants you to "just get over it".
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