I think about it every single day..every

[confusedandhurt2002]

We're about six months in and I think about his A every single day. Every. I try not to. I try to think of other things, but this month and next are going to suck. they were the worst times because of how sick I was and how he was ignoring me, treating me like crap, and now I know running around with her. A lot of stuff happened with my dad, my mom, and my aunt last year around this time. now my dad is having medical issues again. I'm having medical issues again. Everything is flooding back so I'm miserable, but trying not to be. He's been cheerful and wonderful and doing all he can to change himself and our marriage. So today he mentions something about a credit card he hasn't used in months. And I blurted out: "I know. I did a lot of digging back in August." That's when I found out he had shipped thousands in dollars of furniture to the OW in her new home with HER HUSBAND AND THREE FREAKING KIDS. This was around the same time he was making me feel like crap for spending money on things I needed for my health. Those weren't the only gifts he sent to the piece of trash either. After that it was like I couldn't stop. I said, "I don't think you added that when you talied up all the money you spent on her, did you?" THen I asked if he had been planning to move there or what the hell was he thinking with sending all that furniture. I wasn't even angry. Just calmly asking it. Still, the timing sucked, I know that. It was like I couldn't stop! But I could have. I'm just full of so much....turmoil? I don't know how to explain it.

 

He has the day off of work but says he is thinking of going in just to get away. He can't handle me talking about it at all. He acts like I'm never supposed to think about it or talk about it now that we are reconciling.

I hate that it is fresh in my mind right now but I can't help thinking what it was like last year and how much it all hurt.

 

I really don't know how I should handle it, honestly. Do I just think the stuff and hold it all in, which I've been doing very successfully. I just don't want to shove it all in and then spit it all out in a fountain of resentment months down the line.

 

Yes, we are both in IC. No, we are not currently in MC because the counselor who we saw was awful and the second one never called us back to set up the appointment.

[underpants]

Is divorce an option you are willing to explore? Perhaps a seperation, time away and doing for yourself will improve your outlook?

[snappytomcat]

I sure know exactly how you feel,and im truly sorry you are going through this,my husband sounds like yours in a way,mine didn't spend money on her,cause we didn't have any money,and I think during the whole fantasy they both were living,he talked about moving in with her,i know for me there are things I don't want to know,cause it makes me take 3 steps back in recovering my marriage,my husband is doing everything right,he so remorseful,but the first 4 months were awful,especially for him I would lash out at anything,and I have a foul mouth when iam angry,it didn't help that I had lost my job 2 months before dday,so I had all the time in the world to dwell,and think about them together,i try to keep busy,and we do things together all the time now,date nights,playing pool,going out on the Harley,its not perfect but its getting better daily,i hope you can move on from this with your husband,i know how painful it is,its like a death in the family,sometimes I wake up in the morning thinking was this whole thing just a horrible nightmare(I wish)but I really do believe its made me stronger as a person,and a better communicator with my husband,i know I had some responsibility of the marriage problems,i gave up too,i just didn't cheat,my passion is animals rescuing them,so I think during our marriage rescuing became kinda of an addiction,i took it to far bringing in animals even when I didn't have room,or money for vets or food,i still have my saving animals passion but its not out of control(I did find good homes for all)

[frogss29]

I think it is very normal to think about it every single day.

I am sure you are still processing everything and filling in the gaps when you discover/remember something new.

It must be difficult if you are unwell and dealing with family commitments, too.

I know feelings come flooding back to me on a regular basis - sometimes I can deal with them and process them but sometimes the pain is just so intense that I become bitter and angry. And when that happens, my husband has a difficult time dealing with it all.

I research things ALL the time.

And they say the WS feels shame, embarrassment, lack of self esteem etc during those times.

Part of me thinks 'so what?' - I feel SO much worse than him!

But, when I am stronger emotionally, I think that maybe those negative feelings about himself is what made him tempted to have an affair

And that IF I am wanting to strengthen our marriage, those negative feelings (for BOTH of us) are not healthy.

So, on good days, I try hard to promote the positive - like he does.

One of the biggest positive things we have done is find a good MC. It is a 'safe place' to talk about anything and resolve things.

I think everything you are going through is VERY normal.

Sending hugs

[snappytomcat]

I think it is very normal to think about it every single day.

I am sure you are still processing everything and filling in the gaps when you discover/remember something new.

It must be difficult if you are unwell and dealing with family commitments, too.

I know feelings come flooding back to me on a regular basis - sometimes I can deal with them and process them but sometimes the pain is just so intense that I become bitter and angry. And when that happens, my husband has a difficult time dealing with it all.

I research things ALL the time.

And they say the WS feels shame, embarrassment, lack of self esteem etc during those times.

Part of me thinks 'so what?' - I feel SO much worse than him!

But, when I am stronger emotionally, I think that maybe those negative feelings about himself is what made him tempted to have an affair

And that IF I am wanting to strengthen our marriage, those negative feelings (for BOTH of us) are not healthy.

So, on good days, I try hard to promote the positive - like he does.

One of the biggest positive things we have done is find a good MC. It is a 'safe place' to talk about anything and resolve things.

I think everything you are going through is VERY normal.

Sending hugs

very true frogs,our mc was great she didn't sugar coat anything,we both felt very comfortable with her,oh and the self esteem issue was so hard to deal with besides the rest that's what seemed to bother me the most,cause I was getting to a place the last few years where I was comfortable in my own skin

[Fluttershy]

You say your husband is remorseful but most of your posts mention him not wanting to talk. That is not a good sign.

 

Have you read up on the 180?

[BetrayedH]

Ths sounds mostly like a question of how often to talk about it, and I think it's extraordinarily common to ask the exact questions you're asking.

 

Some people have had great success at structuring times to talk about it. I had to admit that painful discussions every night were exactly that. Frankly, we both needed the sleep. It's also common for a wayward to feel incessantly punished by conversations (which is an issue that needs to be resolved). For me, an optimum system was M/W/F for an hour and a half, MC on Thursday, and we tried to take a break on weekends. Owl (smart guy, that one) had a suggestion of always ending on time and celebrating with something you both like (like ice cream). My wife and I had some success in using a journal that went back and forth on our nightstands. Having a successful negotiation has its rewards.

 

However, sometimes a wayward's silence is simply avoidance. They are still hiding things, which is really just lying and continued conflict-avoidance. I think perhaps the toughest part is knowing which kind of wayward you've got on your hands; are they truly remorseful or not? That part by itself can take years. It took me a good 9 months to fully realize that my wife needed to be kicked to the curb (and by that time, she was done with me, too). Welcome to the hard work of reconciliation, right? Many think of every minute you stay as a gift. How much patience do you have for him to show that he's truly remorseful?

 

Sorry, I gave you more questions than answers but hopefully something in there helps.

[Spark1111]

if your H threatens to go to work on a previously scheduled day off as a way to punish you for bringing up the affair....then tell him, yes, definitely do that. you will plan better things for yourself.

 

it takes TONS to break those old, passive-aggressive behaviors learned in childhood that successfully controlled loved ones.

 

Call the bluff! then schedule a day of spa treatments with GFs. Fun, fun and more fun for you! And do not pick up that phone.

 

When that behavior STOPS working for him, he will stop using it when it no longer gains the desired result: You feeling ashamed and guilty for expressing your true feelings.

 

You are ALLOWED to...in a healthy relationship. get healthy and stop the manipulation.

[experiencethedevine]

if your H threatens to go to work on a previously scheduled day off as a way to punish you for bringing up the affair....then tell him, yes, definitely do that. you will plan better things for yourself.

 

it takes TONS to break those old, passive-aggressive behaviors learned in childhood that successfully controlled loved ones.

 

Call the bluff! then schedule a day of spa treatments with GFs. Fun, fun and more fun for you! And do not pick up that phone.

 

When that behavior STOPS working for him, he will stop using it when it no longer gains the desired result: You feeling ashamed and guilty for expressing your true feelings.

 

You are ALLOWED to...in a healthy relationship. get healthy and stop the manipulation.

 

 

 

As above.

 

 

Your husband is trying to bully you into silence to relieve his own burden of guilt/shame.

 

 

Let your husband see that although you have decided to attempt reconciliation, you will NOT be coerced into silence to suit his needs for respite from his own behaviour.

 

 

A manhattan/pina colada/ cocktail of your choice with some chums is exactly what you need.........................

[yellowmaverick]

I am 2 1/2 years out and I still think about it every day as well. It is always in the back of my mind. I try not to let it derail my entire day, but I haven't gotten to the point where I can easily push the thoughts away. Every day is a work in progress.

[confusedandhurt2002]

yes, I have heard about it, but I don't think my situation is as drastic as it sounds in here, so I don't think I need to do that at this time. I come here on the days he doesn't want to talk and the days he seems to want to change the subject. Yes, he does it often, but he is working on not doing that and on facing the tough situations head on. It's very new for him. Thank you for this suggestion, though. Seriously. I do make it sound that way, but he is working on not wanting to talk about it.

You say your husband is remorseful but most of your posts mention him not wanting to talk. That is not a good sign.

 

Have you read up on the 180?

[confusedandhurt2002]

THank you. I am able to function and imagine other things some days. I wasn't at first, of course, but I am slowly getting there. I love how you put this. it really has me thinking that this thinking about it so much is normal for the stage I am in.

 

The question is not whether you are still thinking about it, here I am 10 months, and of course I still "think about it". It's about how thinking about it is making it impossible for you to do things, to be yourself, to imagine other things.

 

If you are obsessing, and are unable to do basic things, or find relief during the day on things that matter to you, then might want to find more assistance.

 

But if its only that you are remembering, that is all part of processing what has happened and is happening to you.

 

Hang in there. There is no template for recovery!

[confusedandhurt2002]

Same here. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I truly appreciate it.

 

I am 2 1/2 years out and I still think about it every day as well. It is always in the back of my mind. I try not to let it derail my entire day, but I haven't gotten to the point where I can easily push the thoughts away. Every day is a work in progress.

[confusedandhurt2002]

Chums are those awesome chocolate cookies right?Because tha sounds good. I do think he is doing that bullying thing, but because he is overwhelmed with the guilt and is having such a hard time facing it all and dealing with it. He and I had a couple good conversations about it last week..this was just one of those snag days I guess. He is seeing a counselor to discuss his inability to face it on some days and his need to keep working through it. He is actually getting there...I think I'm just really, really impatient and want him to hurry his ass up.

 

As above.

 

 

Your husband is trying to bully you into silence to relieve his own burden of guilt/shame.

 

 

Let your husband see that although you have decided to attempt reconciliation, you will NOT be coerced into silence to suit his needs for respite from his own behaviour.

 

 

A manhattan/pina colada/ cocktail of your choice with some chums is exactly what you need.........................

[confusedandhurt2002]

Some great suggestions, though slightly depressing you two didn't make it. Every situation is different, though, I know. Thank you so much for commenting!!

 

Ths sounds mostly like a question of how often to talk about it, and I think it's extraordinarily common to ask the exact questions you're asking.

 

Some people have had great success at structuring times to talk about it. I had to admit that painful discussions every night were exactly that. Frankly, we both needed the sleep. It's also common for a wayward to feel incessantly punished by conversations (which is an issue that needs to be resolved). For me, an optimum system was M/W/F for an hour and a half, MC on Thursday, and we tried to take a break on weekends. Owl (smart guy, that one) had a suggestion of always ending on time and celebrating with something you both like (like ice cream). My wife and I had some success in using a journal that went back and forth on our nightstands. Having a successful negotiation has its rewards.

 

However, sometimes a wayward's silence is simply avoidance. They are still hiding things, which is really just lying and continued conflict-avoidance. I think perhaps the toughest part is knowing which kind of wayward you've got on your hands; are they truly remorseful or not? That part by itself can take years. It took me a good 9 months to fully realize that my wife needed to be kicked to the curb (and by that time, she was done with me, too). Welcome to the hard work of reconciliation, right? Many think of every minute you stay as a gift. How much patience do you have for him to show that he's truly remorseful?

 

Sorry, I gave you more questions than answers but hopefully something in there helps.

[confusedandhurt2002]

It really isn't one either of us want to explore. Really..we have discussed this and truly can't imagine our lives without each other.

 

Is divorce an option you are willing to explore? Perhaps a seperation, time away and doing for yourself will improve your outlook?

[confusedandhurt2002]

There are things I don't want to know either. Each time I would find something out, I would be set back so far in our marriage. Ifound out things he thought were not important, but which I was devastated by.

 

Those first months were awful for both of us. I screamed and cried at him for what felt like no reason to him, when there was very good reason in my mind because something had come to mind that just startd the anger all over again.

 

I do feel this has made me stronger and more aware of myself and how much I can actually handle. I believe our marriage is stronger, but some days I really question if it is all worth it. I sure as heck hope it is!

 

I sure know exactly how you feel,and im truly sorry you are going through this,my husband sounds like yours in a way,mine didn't spend money on her,cause we didn't have any money,and I think during the whole fantasy they both were living,he talked about moving in with her,i know for me there are things I don't want to know,cause it makes me take 3 steps back in recovering my marriage,my husband is doing everything right,he so remorseful,but the first 4 months were awful,especially for him I would lash out at anything,and I have a foul mouth when iam angry,it didn't help that I had lost my job 2 months before dday,so I had all the time in the world to dwell,and think about them together,i try to keep busy,and we do things together all the time now,date nights,playing pool,going out on the Harley,its not perfect but its getting better daily,i hope you can move on from this with your husband,i know how painful it is,its like a death in the family,sometimes I wake up in the morning thinking was this whole thing just a horrible nightmare(I wish)but I really do believe its made me stronger as a person,and a better communicator with my husband,i know I had some responsibility of the marriage problems,i gave up too,i just didn't cheat,my passion is animals rescuing them,so I think during our marriage rescuing became kinda of an addiction,i took it to far bringing in animals even when I didn't have room,or money for vets or food,i still have my saving animals passion but its not out of control(I did find good homes for all)

[confusedandhurt2002]

I do believe one reason he avoids is because of the shame and the shock at what he did. I also believe he wants to listen to family and his counselor who are reminding him that he has to move forward and not continually beat himself up for this. He has told me he does beat himself up, every single day. That he thinks of what a horrible person he is, every single day. He thanks God every single day I am still with him and sometimes he hugs me and tells me that.

 

I need to remember he's said this and not always decide I"m the only one hurting, but some days it is harder than others.

 

 

I think it is very normal to think about it every single day.

I am sure you are still processing everything and filling in the gaps when you discover/remember something new.

It must be difficult if you are unwell and dealing with family commitments, too.

I know feelings come flooding back to me on a regular basis - sometimes I can deal with them and process them but sometimes the pain is just so intense that I become bitter and angry. And when that happens, my husband has a difficult time dealing with it all.

I research things ALL the time.

And they say the WS feels shame, embarrassment, lack of self esteem etc during those times.

Part of me thinks 'so what?' - I feel SO much worse than him!

But, when I am stronger emotionally, I think that maybe those negative feelings about himself is what made him tempted to have an affair

And that IF I am wanting to strengthen our marriage, those negative feelings (for BOTH of us) are not healthy.

So, on good days, I try hard to promote the positive - like he does.

One of the biggest positive things we have done is find a good MC. It is a 'safe place' to talk about anything and resolve things.

I think everything you are going through is VERY normal.

Sending hugs

[WhiteOrchid]

I'm six months out too (in what has become a successful R) and I think about it every day as well. Luckily, it is not obsessively and constantly like it was in the beginning, but it is always there. Little things remind me - something innocent he says, something we see on TV, a song on the radio.

 

In the beginning, we were talking about it every single day (well, honestly, a lot of it was just me yelling at him and saying rude things). After awhile, he just couldn't take it anymore and begged to just have a couple of days a week where we didn't have to talk about it. Not because he was trying to avoid responsibility, just because he needed a break from the crushing guilt of what he had done and the constant reminder of what a bad person he had been.

 

These days, if I get a trigger, I will usually just keep it to myself unless there is a question I need answered or something weighing heavily on my mind (he can tell sometimes when something is bugging me and will ask if I need to talk). And then I will calmly tell him about it or ask him a question, he will answer it, tell me he is sorry again and then we will go about our day.

 

Basically, there is no one-size-fits-all here. Everyone has to be on their own timeline. Six months really isn't that long in the scheme of things. Things will get better as time goes by. We've come so far just in six months, I'm sure in a few years this will seem like a distant memory (I hope)!

[katielee]

I have a friend 6 years out. Still thinks about it every day. They appear to have a good marriage, he is so devoted to her now! She had said a couple time she's settling....

[confusedandhurt2002]

You are right that we do more research, but when I share things WS does read them, based on comments he will make later when we are talking.

 

That is one good thing.

Great comment here. Thank you!

Something also to remember, BS's tend to do a LOT more research into what they are going through, the many processes of recover, the expectations, what is going on in everyone's head, including the AP! But a WS does not necessarily do this, and is at, actually, a huge disadvantage in terms of sheer information and choices.

 

Sometimes you will hear people in LS say, "OH, he is avoiding your questions, be careful, bad sign"... but this would only be true if the WS was on the same page in terms of recovery approach as the BS. We sometimes forget, we only need to share with our WS what it is we are doing, and what we expect in return, to solve this. IN my case I didnt just TELL my WW, I handed her the books, I told her which chapters I wanted her to read, to understand, and if necessary, talk with me about them to be sure we were on the same page. She even took the initiative to ask me to find her books on how a WS can help a partner overcome grief and lack of trust. Rather than just getting her own book she wanted me to decide which book - and therefore which approach! I wanted her to follow.

 

By the sounds of it, your WS is doing things that demonstrate being on the same page as you, the problem is if the MC or IC has a different approach and so there are two sets of approaches working against each other and incompatibility and misunderstanding ensues.

[i am gutted]

I am sick of it entering my head all the time.......not just what happened but the feeling of feeling **** and useless. my head aches every day.

 

I have become such an ******* because of it and the anger is driving me nuts.

such hard work to get to a happy place.

[mercy]

We're about six months in and I think about his A every single day. Every. I try not to. I try to think of other things, but this month and next are going to suck. they were the worst times because of how sick I was and how he was ignoring me, treating me like crap, and now I know running around with her. A lot of stuff happened with my dad, my mom, and my aunt last year around this time. now my dad is having medical issues again. I'm having medical issues again. Everything is flooding back so I'm miserable, but trying not to be. He's been cheerful and wonderful and doing all he can to change himself and our marriage. So today he mentions something about a credit card he hasn't used in months. And I blurted out: "I know. I did a lot of digging back in August." That's when I found out he had shipped thousands in dollars of furniture to the OW in her new home with HER HUSBAND AND THREE FREAKING KIDS. This was around the same time he was making me feel like crap for spending money on things I needed for my health. Those weren't the only gifts he sent to the piece of trash either. After that it was like I couldn't stop. I said, "I don't think you added that when you talied up all the money you spent on her, did you?" THen I asked if he had been planning to move there or what the hell was he thinking with sending all that furniture. I wasn't even angry. Just calmly asking it. Still, the timing sucked, I know that. It was like I couldn't stop! But I could have. I'm just full of so much....turmoil? I don't know how to explain it.

 

He has the day off of work but says he is thinking of going in just to get away. He can't handle me talking about it at all. He acts like I'm never supposed to think about it or talk about it now that we are reconciling.

I hate that it is fresh in my mind right now but I can't help thinking what it was like last year and how much it all hurt.

 

I really don't know how I should handle it, honestly. Do I just think the stuff and hold it all in, which I've been doing very successfully. I just don't want to shove it all in and then spit it all out in a fountain of resentment months down the line.

 

Yes, we are both in IC. No, we are not currently in MC because the counselor who we saw was awful and the second one never called us back to set up the appointment.

 

Triggers. They come at us like hail storms.Beating us savagely. For every memory here comes another hail storm beating our hearts and souls.

 

On those nights i woke him in the middle of the night questioning him with all the things that were burning inside of me. His response? Exactly the way the counselor said it should be.... quick. concise, honest, answers straight from the heart, as they should be. Whether they took 2 minutes or 20 what did it matter. No. What mattered were the two of us, where we were together and no matter how tough it would be he would see us through, with truth. tears, lots of tears but oh so many joy filled freeing truths. That's what reconciliation truly is. Putting aside all previous behaviors and just becoming you, in you raw form and be prepared to be loved as you never have before, reconciliation is and always will be a beautiful thing,

 

When we open ourselves up to be opened and love,

 

And truly sitting at the feet of the one you pained and listen and listen till there is one more to here. Then Life can and wiil be beautiful.

[lkey]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. First, what most people are saying is correct, you do have a right to think of it and feel hurt and betrayed. What I had to realize is that certain things are triggers (events, actions, words, or dates that cause you to start thinking of the affair). So when you talk about a significant date coming up, that too is a trigger. This is very difficult for you to deal with and I know others may not want to hear it, but also for the cheating spouse. However, he has the obligation to deal with it if he wants to restore the marriage. However, it still must be a respectful exchange so (I know its hard, try not to yell or be aggressive when discussing it). Try not to learn more details, the more you have the more your trigger count goes way up, these things do no leave your mind. I also recommend a book for you and him. "How can I forgive you? the courage to forgive, the freedom not to" There are some very good action plans in the book for him and for you. I will warn you though in certain areas she spends a little to much time talking about how the affair also should cause you to do some introspection - and I totally disagree with that, no one has a valid reason to have an affair period. It's always about them, and never about you no matter what was going on they always had the option of leaving. But it is still worth a look and it has very specific details about things he needs to do as well if he wants "real" forgiveness. If my husband had stepped up and done most of these actions we probably would not be getting a divorce. Hope any of this helps!

[confusedandhurt2002]

I'm going to look for that book. My husband essentially told me yesterday the affair is my fault, but he's hurting because we had a screaming match, so I really don't know if that is how he meant it all. All I know is it is like starting at square one because of how nasty and hurtful he was.

 

And probably the same for him from me.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. First, what most people are saying is correct, you do have a right to think of it and feel hurt and betrayed. What I had to realize is that certain things are triggers (events, actions, words, or dates that cause you to start thinking of the affair). So when you talk about a significant date coming up, that too is a trigger. This is very difficult for you to deal with and I know others may not want to hear it, but also for the cheating spouse. However, he has the obligation to deal with it if he wants to restore the marriage. However, it still must be a respectful exchange so (I know its hard, try not to yell or be aggressive when discussing it). Try not to learn more details, the more you have the more your trigger count goes way up, these things do no leave your mind. I also recommend a book for you and him. "How can I forgive you? the courage to forgive, the freedom not to" There are some very good action plans in the book for him and for you. I will warn you though in certain areas she spends a little to much time talking about how the affair also should cause you to do some introspection - and I totally disagree with that, no one has a valid reason to have an affair period. It's always about them, and never about you no matter what was going on they always had the option of leaving. But it is still worth a look and it has very specific details about things he needs to do as well if he wants "real" forgiveness. If my husband had stepped up and done most of these actions we probably would not be getting a divorce. Hope any of this helps!