Ben00 Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Hi guys, As with many of you, I am going through a very difficult time. My relationship was ended by the girl of my dreams in September. We had been close friends for 4 years and seriously dated for 9 months. After the breakup, I went strict NC. But, she began texting me recently. They are "friendly" texts: "how are you doing", "did you get that job you've been wanting", "how is your family". I am reluctant to respond, but I do respond and we end up having quite a lengthy text-conversation. The thing that confuses me most is, when we talk "as friends", she inevitably brings up happy memories of our relationship or tells me about dreams she's had about us being together. Why, if she wants to be "just friends", does she tell me this? She says she misses talking to me and really wants to be friends like we were prior to our relationship. I have responded by telling her that it's very painful to talk to her because I don't see her as a friend; I still have feelings for her. What do I do...
organizedchaos Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Hi guys, As with many of you, I am going through a very difficult time. My relationship was ended by the girl of my dreams in September. We had been close friends for 4 years and seriously dated for 9 months. After the breakup, I went strict NC. But, she began texting me recently. They are "friendly" texts: "how are you doing", "did you get that job you've been wanting", "how is your family". I am reluctant to respond, but I do respond and we end up having quite a lengthy text-conversation. The thing that confuses me most is, when we talk "as friends", she inevitably brings up happy memories of our relationship or tells me about dreams she's had about us being together. Why, if she wants to be "just friends", does she tell me this? She says she misses talking to me and really wants to be friends like we were prior to our relationship. I have responded by telling her that it's very painful to talk to her because I don't see her as a friend; I still have feelings for her. What do I do... Stop talking to her. 4
jphcbpa Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 imo, if you still have feelings then NC until you are indifferent. you are not ready and setting yourself up to get crushed and set back seems she is not wanting to get back together 1
rec88 Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 She wants the support without the commitment. I have responded by telling her that it's very painful to talk to her because I don't see her as a friend; I still have feelings for her. You know the answer. Be firm with your boundaries. The attitude needs to be, "I respect your choice to be single. You need to respect my choice to not be friends with you." 4
TaraMaiden Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Hi guys, As with many of you, I am going through a very difficult time. My relationship was ended by the girl of my dreams in September. We had been close friends for 4 years and seriously dated for 9 months. After the breakup, I went strict NC. But, she began texting me recently. They are "friendly" texts: "how are you doing", "did you get that job you've been wanting", "how is your family". I am reluctant to respond, but I do respond and we end up having quite a lengthy text-conversation. The thing that confuses me most is, when we talk "as friends", she inevitably brings up happy memories of our relationship or tells me about dreams she's had about us being together. Why, if she wants to be "just friends", does she tell me this? She says she misses talking to me and really wants to be friends like we were prior to our relationship. I have responded by telling her that it's very painful to talk to her because I don't see her as a friend; I still have feelings for her. What do I do... She is completely over you and is making the (incorrect) assumption that you must therefore be totally over her.... She's 'friend-zoning' you. Read the no Contact Guide in my signature. And tell her to quit calling you, and that YOU will contact HER when you're good and ready. That will be when indifference has settled in. Not before. 4
organizedchaos Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 She wants the support without the commitment. You know the answer. Be firm with your boundaries. The attitude needs to be, "I respect your choice to be single. You need to respect my choice to not be friends with you." This is an excellent way to put it. 1
Author Ben00 Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 Thank you for your replies. You're right, I know that I need to stop talking with her in order to heal my heart. I guess I just needed to type it out in order to see things a bit more clearly. I've been aching to talk with her but am glad I posted here instead. 1
maturityassets Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Always post here besides texting her .
sleeplessinslc Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Always post here besides texting her . excellent advice. Anytime you feel like contacting here. Just come here.
xUnknown Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Yeah, she's making herself feel good by "breadcrumbing" you. She wants you to respond so she thinks to herself, "oh, I'm not that bad of a person if he's still talking to her". Don't respond. To ANYTHING she says. Even if she texts you about reconciling, I would see that as an easy way out. A Text, pssh.... Keep moving on man. Don't talk to her.
Author Ben00 Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 Thanks, you have helped lift my spirits. It's good to hear from others when you're feeling like the only person in the world. It has been almost 5 months... I thought I'd be over her by now! Arghh. The longing, the feelings, the dreams... but, the hole in my heart has been slowly healing. Thanks for keeping me in check.
BC1980 Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Thanks, you have helped lift my spirits. It's good to hear from others when you're feeling like the only person in the world. It has been almost 5 months... I thought I'd be over her by now! Arghh. The longing, the feelings, the dreams... but, the hole in my heart has been slowly healing. Thanks for keeping me in check. Trust me, the longer you stay in contact, the harder if becomes to move on. My ex kept texting me and wanting to hang out or talk as friends,and I did that for 4 months. It set me way back.
Sandy99 Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Since you do feel that this woman is the woman of your dreams, and not somebody you now see as awful, despite a lingering infatuation you can't explain (as many people here portray their exes), I might come right out for the last time and tell this girl that you don't see her as a friend and that you don't want to be friends with her. You could tell her that if she wants to work on a relationship with you again then you can try that otherwise, she's on her own. Tell her you deserve a person who wants the same things as you and that's the end of the story. Chances are she might just say no I still don't want a relationship with you...and then you go back to not contacting her again knowing that you clearly explained your boundaries for her. But maybe one day she'll come back knowing what your expectations are or maybe she won't. I personally see no real reason to be actual friends with exes. My perspective is I have enough friends and I don't need to try to be just friends with an ex. I think shifting to friends after a relationship ends is a very difficult transition to make and I doubt many people have any real success with it...so why bother? I also think most of the time when people say sure let's remain friends, what they really mean is no I don't hate you anymore, and yes I give you permission to date other people. 2
organizedchaos Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Since you do feel that this woman is the woman of your dreams, and not somebody you now see as awful, despite a lingering infatuation you can't explain (as many people here portray their exes), I might come right out for the last time and tell this girl that you don't see her as a friend and that you don't want to be friends with her. You could tell her that if she wants to work on a relationship with you again then you can try that otherwise, she's on her own. Tell her you deserve a person who wants the same things as you and that's the end of the story. Chances are she might just say no I still don't want a relationship with you...and then you go back to not contacting her again knowing that you clearly explained your boundaries for her. But maybe one day she'll come back knowing what your expectations are or maybe she won't. I personally see no real reason to be actual friends with exes. My perspective is I have enough friends and I don't need to try to be just friends with an ex. I think shifting to friends after a relationship ends is a very difficult transition to make and I doubt many people have any real success with it...so why bother? I also think most of the time when people say sure let's remain friends, what they really mean is no I don't hate you anymore, and yes I give you permission to date other people. I don't think exes REALLY mean "let's be friends" as in, we're going to hang out like buddies. I think it's just something that said and agreed upon to relieve guilt with no intention of actually doing things like friends do. It also says that you can be cordial should you ever have to see each other or speak to each other.
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