cantkeepcalm Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 (edited) Warning: Long post ahead. Hello, all. This is my first thread here. I am going to try to shorten this long story as much as possible. So I left home at the age of 18 to go to college. I didn't know anyone in this new city and I was there all by myself. During the second semester of my freshman year, I met my now ex-boyfriend. We had an immediate connection and on top of being lovers we were absolutely best friends. We were there for each other through some really hard times and we always enjoyed each other's company. We spent many nights together to the point that it almost felt like we lived together. He became my family and my rock. We did everything together. Since I am in this city alone, he made me feel comfortable and made me feel like I had someone that I could always depend on. He is not away at school, he actually lives in this city, but we met at my school. Anyway, next week would have been our three year anniversary, but he broke up with me last week. I just never saw this coming. He knows my entire family and all of my friends and everyone loved him and they could all see how much he adored me. He always talked about wanting to marry me and start a family together. It is like a flip switched in him almost overnight. On Friday the 19th of January we got into an argument and I told him to take me home. He broke up with me on the 20th. I freaked out and went to his house, but he told me he just didn't want to be in a relationship right now and wanted to be left alone. I cannot adequately describe the pain I felt. I cried for 2 days and continued begging him to take me backhand finally he told me that we could try to make it work. I was happy, but I could still tell that his heart wasn't in it and it didn't feel the same. On Friday january 24 he wanted me to come over and spend the weekend with him. He lives about 45 minutes away from my dorm and he offered to pick me up. He told me to get my clothes together for the weekend and he came to get me. He was very cheerful and happy to see me and things almost felt normal again. On the way to his house we stopped at a restaurant about 5 minutes away from his house to get drinks and appetizers. While at the restaurant he went to the bathroom about 4 different times. When we were finished we got back in hi car and he told me that he actually does think we should break up and that he was going to drive me all the way back to my dorm. I started crying hysterically and begged him to just take me back to his house since we were only 5 minutes away and that way we could talk about it and he could just take me home the next day. He refused and had to take me back to the dorm that night. I was beyond distraught and the next day I decided to make the 5 hour drive back home because I needed support from my family. I am missing class and my other school obligations because I needed to get away so badly. I am hurting so bad. I am still begging for him back. I am looking for every bit of hope out of sheer desperation. I was going through my horoscope just to give myself hope and usually I don't even believe in these things. I just don't know how to live without him. he was literally my whole life. I am having a hard time just writing this because I am tearing up so please excuse the typos. I can't stop texting and calling him even though he is ignoring me and being super cold with me. He says he still loves and cares about me, yet he is putting me through hell. He left me twice in the span of a week. I just don't know what to do. Even though he treated me so wrong I still want him back so badly. I can't eat or sleep. I've just been getting drunk all day. I feel like I am self-destructing. I go back to school on Thursday and I have to stop by his house to pick up some of my stuff and I just don't know what to do. I am so depressed. I can't do no contact. I just don't know how to live with such a shattered heart. Edited January 29, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
ikilledacockroach Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time hun. But it seems like this guy hasn't treated you very well and that he isn't very committed if he can break up with you twice in the span of a week. The best thing you can do is just stop talking to him and focus on your schoolwork. I know it feels like the world is ending but you'll pull through this. Stay strong.
Musing Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 First things - What you are feeling is normal, so embrace it. Cry if you have to, and cry hard. It feels good and relieves stress. Also, deep breathing helps calm us. So do a lot of that when you feel stressed as well. This guy may be confused. But do not let that give you false hope. It hurts so bad right now - been there many times so I know the feeling totally. But it will get better as days go by. Talk with friends and family, come here when you feel bad. The people here know what you're going through and will help. Talking helps people see new perspective. I am in college too, and was just dumped for the same reason from a semi LTR just a few weeks ago. Your best bet is to cut ties with him, for now while you heal. Don't call, text, go on his facebook twitter or email. He no longer exists to you. Why do this? To clear your head. To protect yourself. There will be no cold responses or ignored texts...because you won't be sending any. I would advice you do keep going to class though. It is so hard, again I'm in it too...and saw my ex yesterday. The pain cut deep but I stuck to no contact. I feel proud for it too! But you got to put yourself first. Boys will come and go but an education lasts a lifetime. Don't let him take that from you! Pursue hobbies, change your look, be the version of you that you always wanted to be and more! Make him your motivation if need be...make him SORRY he left you! You can only do that by bettering yourself and moving on. I don't want to give you false hope, but I know it is inevitable. There is a chance he may get a new girlfriend, and it's a harsh reality but it's a humbling one that I think most people experience. However, you could both be happy in different relationships and years later find out you still have feelings for each other! Or maybe you won't, but it'll be okay by then! In other words, no matter if he is in your life no or later, or never, it will work out. Right now you need to give yourself lots TLC. Focus on you, make YOU the center of your world and be selfish for awhile. It will be very difficult at first but you'll come out a stronger person - trust me. 1
Author cantkeepcalm Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 Thank you. This is just so hard I don't know what to do. How do I get over him? How do I focus on other things?
pickflicker Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Thank you. This is just so hard I don't know what to do. How do I get over him? How do I focus on other things? You HAVE to go No Contact. That is your first step. There is no "can't". You must delete his number immediately.
underscore44 Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Time is what you need right now. First off stop drinking. Drinking causes you to think and feel in ways that are not going to help you at all right now so stop that right off the bat. Don't sit at home alone. Find some friends or family just to talk to, call someone, grab coffee or lunch with someone just talk. Second off stop contacting him. You may think that these slight moments of you sending messages or even a small word from him might help but they won't. You need to distance yourself from the things that cause you pain and right now it is your ex It may seem hard but trust me it will ease up. A heart break is just like an open wound. Although the appearance of an injury isn't visible, it is there and just like a broken bone you need to give it some time to heal. Just like a doctor would tell you to stay off your leg, i am telling you to stay away from your ex. There are a lot of great people on this site so even if you can't find someone to talk to right now then linger on here for a bit and people will gladly respond. Do us and yourself a favor, ditch the drinks, the sad music, the messages to your ex. Grab something to eat and breath a little bit. Life is a beautiful thing, you are just a little lost right now 1
Author cantkeepcalm Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 Thank you so much. Logically I know you all are right, but my heart doesn't know logic. I need to get my mail and some other things from him. How do I go about doing that? I know seeing him will just make me want him more. I don't really have many friends. He was my best friend and my everything. I feel so alone in this city without him. I thought I would marry him. He told me multiple times throughout our relationship that he wanted to marry me. Even just calling him my ex feels so painful and wrong. Ughhhh
pickflicker Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Thank you so much. Logically I know you all are right, but my heart doesn't know logic. I need to get my mail and some other things from him. How do I go about doing that? I know seeing him will just make me want him more. I don't really have many friends. He was my best friend and my everything. I feel so alone in this city without him. I thought I would marry him. He told me multiple times throughout our relationship that he wanted to marry me. Even just calling him my ex feels so painful and wrong. Ughhhh Contact the people sending you the mail and advise them of a change of address. Never, ever put all your eggs in one basket. Insisting on making him the centre of your universe is a rookie mistake. You must make new friends, and you must keep them when you meet someone new. It is important to have a supportive group of friends in or out of a relationship.
underscore44 Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Give yourself a little bit of room to breath. Change the mail as soon as possible like what was said above. This isn't something that is going to pass right away but work a little bit each day on it and make sure you call someone to talk to. You are going to need that. Don't let this define who you are
d0nnivain Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 You are grieving. You are in pain. Life is still worth living & there are coping strategies but this will take time. First, stop calling & texting him. He made his decision, contemplated reversing it but made it again. I suspect the 4 trips to the bathroom were to talk with someone new or get moral support from a buddy because he didn't want to hurt you but he did want to break up with you. Second delete him from all social media. Yes, ALL. Looking at his FB page will only make you crazy. Also take all gifts & trinkets from him & box them up. Third give yourself permission to feel blue. You can have a pity party for a while . . . about a week. Drown your sorrows but be careful because alcohol doesn't solve anything & it will make you more maudlin. Do not drink alone. After you cry your eyes out, pick yourself & dust yourself off. Live your life. Go to class. Do stuff just for you. Cut your hair. Redecorate your room. Do something to change so you have fewer reminders. Now go on a different path. Join a club. Change your exercise routine (exercise & movement are important here; they will release feel good endorphins). Surround yourself with supportive people. If you need it, check out your school's mental health options. There is likely a campus support group somewhere. Also come here to LS for pep talks. You will get through this, even if you don't believe that now. 1
Author cantkeepcalm Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 Thanks everyone. So by the off chance that he tries to contact me, what should I do? Ignore him?
d0nnivain Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Thanks everyone. So by the off chance that he tries to contact me, what should I do? Ignore him? It depends. If you think you might want to reconcile, you can hear him out but if the issues that broke you up aren't resolved, it will be a short reunion. If you are done & healing, talking to him may send you back to a depressed place. Only you will know what's best for you if he does reach out. What you should not do is call him.
Author cantkeepcalm Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 Just wanted to give a quick update on this situation. I thank all of you for your wonderful support. It really helped me a lot during my tough situation. Anyway, after the break up, I ended up going home for a while because I could feel myself slipping into depression. While I was away, the guy still called and texted me saying that he missed me. I could tell he was a little unsure of what he wanted. Once I came back he told me that he still wanted to stay broken up, but that he loves and cares about me. A few days passed and I was starting to feel a little better. All of a sudden in the middle of the night I start receiving frantic phone calls and text messages… from him. He had driven all the way to my dorm in the middle of the night hysterical begging me to come outside and talk to him. He was crying and going on about what an idiot he's been and what a huge mistake he made. He begged me to take him back. I said I would give him the chance to prove himself, but refused to take him back immediately and he said he was willing to wait and fight to prove his love for me. As of now we are pretty much back together and trying to work out our issues (honestly I think he was going through some personal issues, because relationship wise we didn't have any real issues, and he never gave me a reason for breaking up other than that he needed some space. But now I do not trust him fully with my heart and that is an issue), but everything is pretty good so far. We will see where it goes. I feel that a 3 year relationship is something worth fighting for and giving a second chance. If it doesn't work this time around then I will know that it wasn't meant to be and I will be more ready to move on at that point. At least I will know that I gave it my all and really tried.
sportzhl24 Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Sounds pretty rocky...I would proceed with caution...people don't just leave for no reason, ya know? I wouldn't throw all your emotion weight back into this just yet.
Author cantkeepcalm Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 I know, I know. I sound crazy to even consider giving this a second chance. Believe me, I am proceeding with caution. We are not even officially back together yet, but I want to give him a chance to prove himself and not shut him out completely. Still I will be weary and not give him my full heart again right now. Any advice? Am I making a mistake by giving him a second chance? I am so confused now too.
Musing Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I know, I know. I sound crazy to even consider giving this a second chance. Believe me, I am proceeding with caution. We are not even officially back together yet, but I want to give him a chance to prove himself and not shut him out completely. Still I will be weary and not give him my full heart again right now. Any advice? Am I making a mistake by giving him a second chance? I am so confused now too. I took a break from my ex for a month awhile ago. It was out of the blue and it was done in the sweetest way possible. We went 3.5 weeks without speaking and we both really missed each other. We didn't consider it a break up and went right back into our relationship, despite me knowing better not to. I tried to be cautious (not seeing him for a few weeks after talking again) Four months later he officially broke up with me for the same reason, this time saying he didn't want a break, but to totally sever the relationship. It hurt but I knew it was going to happen, and the last few months of the relationship weren't the same for me because I was always afraid he'd do it again (which he did) I'd honestly take this time to really consider what just happened. Sportz was right..people don't leave for no reason and come back. That reason could rear its ugly head again. Once something like this happens, it changes the dynamic of a relationship. Even if everything is all well and dandy with him, every time something seems a little "off" it could sent you into a frenzy wondering if he'll leave again since he's done it once already.
kart180 Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I feel like that everyday. What is the point of getting up. I am so depressed and unhappy with how my life turned out. I dont need a women unless I sort out my life. I am happy to be bachelor.
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