FumoBlu Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I'm not here to start problems, and I don't even expect people to really read this because it's long and convoluted, but something like this has never happened to me before, and I really can't explain why it's affected me in any way, so I guess I just want to get it out there. I went to a work conference, where the focus was to help practice English with native professionals in the country where I'm living, because English is not the first language. You literally have to talk to different people one on one for at least 5 solid hours a day, and it's a week long conference so after awhile you run out of topical generic questions like, "what do you do?" "where do you work, etc?" So you start asking personal questions and really get to know people. This one guy at the conference had all of us women from 26 to 63, even the married ones crushing on him (all harmless at the time though) because on paper he really was the perfect man. He had been married 14 years, had 4 kids which he adored, great job, very involved in his small town, played a musical instrument in a folkband, and just very charming, funny, easy going, and he had that small town boy aura to him. Oh, and he was also completely and totally physically gorgeous. However, he acted like he wasn't aware of this, and seemed to be genuinely modest. So we all giggled and stuff when he was around, but again really harmless. We got to know a lot about each other from spending 13 hour days together, but not much else to it other than harmless fantasizing and staring at him whenever he was in the room (and I didn't really think he noticed cause I'm kind of plain and I wasn't obvious about it.) The last night of the conference we had a party and there was a lot of alcohol involved, consumed by everyone. At the end of the evening we started talking though admittedly I don't remember much about what. We walked back to the hotel together since our rooms were on the same floor next to each other. The rooms in our hotel were super unique in their themes and decorations, and we all talked about the different themes we had, so he asked if I wanted to see his really quickly. I go in, he kisses me, I use every fiber of self control in my body to shut it down, then just stood there repeating the fact that he'd been married for 14 years and had 4 kids over and over. That's really all I did, was keep saying "four kids is a lot" and " you're married" for about 10 seconds. Then I started swearing repeatedly in English for giving up a probably great night (I haven't been intimate with a man for a long time, and yeah, this guy was still gorgeous, though now kind of sleazy and no longer perfect) but I couldn't do that to his wife and kids. The next morning he thanked me profusely for turning him down, and he seemed all sad and regretful. Now for some reason I can't stop thinking about him, and at times about his wife. Does she know he does that? Does he do that to everyone? Was he really just that drunk? Can she handle four kids on her own if he meets some bimbo with less self control? None of this is even my problem, why am I thinking about this? I guess now I just feel bad that the fantasy became reality in such a sleezy way. Also, I'm quite sure he pulls this stunt on lots of women, and maybe that's just his M.O. but he really just seemed like a genuinely nice guy that got too drunk. Does this make me naive? Cause normally I'm a huge pessimist. What does this say about how I view people? Again, I just need to shut my brain down.
theothersully Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 All i know is you are a good person who did the right thing. Congratulations. It sounds like you were the only voice of reason and that alcohol fueled it a bit. Also sounds like he would have regretted it too. The world needs more people like you. 6
thummper Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Are you married? Since you had built this guy up in your imagination, including the fact that he was gorgeous, and he hit on you in a big way, and you turned him down because he's married, and you're still thinking about him allow me to say, you're just probably upset that you couldn't take it any further and you'll always wonder what it would have been like. Just a natural feeling. 1
mammasita Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 You did a good thing. I'd have the same feelings about his wife, wondering if he does this often and if she knows. 1
yellowmaverick Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I know how you feel - I had to turn down my married fantasy crush as well. It's difficult to ignore the Channing Tatum alerts, but.....sigh....I know it's for the best. 1
harrybrown Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I am confused. On your last thread, you talked about your girlfriend not wanting to get married.
Author FumoBlu Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 I am confused. On your last thread, you talked about your girlfriend not wanting to get married. I can be attracted to both women and men. That post was from months ago whereby after we agreed that the romantic aspect of the relationship wasn't working out due to issues on her part, so now we live together more as friends, an she even comforted me about the issues with this guy.
Author FumoBlu Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 All i know is you are a good person who did the right thing. Congratulations. It sounds like you were the only voice of reason and that alcohol fueled it a bit. Also sounds like he would have regretted it too. The world needs more people like you. Thank you all so much for your positive feedback. It is much appreciated. I honestly don't know why I'm thinking about it so much, except for thummper and yellowmaverick's posts which pretty much sum it up I believe. The fact that the fantasy became a reality, but under such sleazy terms, was just a huge let down after a week. Also, I am not married, and not in a relationship that will result in marriage, so now it's this weird dichotomy where I'm kind of glad because it's hard to trust people, but also in the end family and marriage win out, and Channing Tatum (totally a Channing Tatum type without the chiseled bod, but yellowmaverick, you called it) still gets a happy family. I guess I'm really glad I didn't go through with it now, cause though it's a given that it's morally wrong, I would probably just feel embarrassed and used, though you are also right thummper, I'm sure the actual physical results would have been pretty good to experience and I'll probably always wonder about it. I basically just want to get over it and stop thinking about it, but he didn't really even go about it in a sleazy way, so it's hard for me to hate him or picture him as some big womanizer (the guy tucks his t-shirt into his PJ bottoms for God's sake!)
miguelcervantes Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 All i know is you are a good person who did the right thing. Congratulations. It sounds like you were the only voice of reason and that alcohol fueled it a bit. Also sounds like he would have regretted it too. The world needs more people like you. And less scumbag players like him! I hope you now realise that he played all of you in the room and targeted you for his final night since he would be returning home the next day. Pretty sure that he would do this again and again so don't fall for his fake apology the next morning. Well done and go find a partner of substance with traits that you really admire and can love. Or else go find a single man in the meantime for fun if thats what you lack. 1
VeronicaRoss Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Conferences are the perfect affair opportunity because everyone heads to a different city afterward. It's very, very common. Married women are just as guilty as the married men. One guy told me he goes to conferences a couple times a year mostly for that purpose. My point is don't feel too special because he hit on you, it sounds like you are still vulnerable to him. Sounds like you saved yourself a lot of heartache. Sounds too like it's really time you find someone new and local to pursue! Good luck!
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