Why doing NC is the absolute best way for a dumpee - A dumper's POV

January 28, 2014

I know there are probably a lot of these threads floating around here. And I am sure there are some dumpers that don't feel the same way as I do. But in my experience, although everyone/situation is unique, you will still come across patterns in nature and this includes how people handle situations and what options are just common sense and what aren't.

Let me just say that I am not here at LS right now for being a dumper. I was just dumped by someone a few weeks ago and am getting over the break up. I have had 0 contact with my ex and have no plans to contact...and still have to see him in passing at least 2 times a week. It's HARD but it is WORTH IT.

My secret in helping? I was a dumper a few times. I had my ex's come back in different ways, and their contact helped me not only move on, but killed any hope for me wanting to get back with them ever.

So seeing as those of you reading might be in pain and in desperately wanting to reach out, I'm writing this thread to give you a reason NOT to!

**Although if kids or non-relationship things are involved, this doesn't really apply.

I'll give you some background: When I was in high school I had my longest relationship. I was in it for 2 years. It was great. We were friends, we were romantic with each other, he treated me like gold, we had a lot in common, our families liked us, I had many firsts with him, and think he was planning on proposing to me when I turned 18...

...but after 2 years, I got bored. (Probably what most call "GIGS") What else was out there? What did my future hold? I wanted to be my own person, with my own friends. I had NO ONE ELSE on the side. I literally wanted to be by myself and just relax without the pressure of being in a relationship. So, one night I told him. He was devastated.

My feelings? I hurt because he hurt, but my decision was final. I stayed and talked to him for hours because I felt I owed it to him. I felt bad..but it was more guilt than anything. I still cried after the break up. It's just a traumatic for dumpers. But not for the same reasons.

After a few days I came back down to Earth and noticed I had messages from my ex on MySpace. They were long, he was hurt...I didn't want to respond but felt guilty and again, like I owed it to him to help him get through this.

I responded. To all of his messages. He tried to make me jealous with a new girlfriend. It did not work. I use to hate going on myspace then because I feared getting more messages. Him pouring his heart out, wanting me back, or calling me names our of anger and pain, or telling me how now he's totally okay and ready to be my friend. This went on for a few months. I placated him. I dealt with it. When I got a new boyfriend, he was there to rip me a new one, saying this is why I left him. It wasn't. He had nothing to do with my new relationships and I did not date others to make him upset. There was no crazy scheme...I was an 18 year old who wanted to live my life. Simple as that.

I'd felt so worn out from trying to be the "nice ex". I didn't want him to assume I didn't care about him. I just wanted to be by myself for a little while! I was young, I wanted to date others and see what was out there after I'd been single a few months. But he wanted to be relevant in my life and wouldn't stop pouring himself to me.

I became numb to him and his messages. After awhile, I didn't care that he hurt. His pain nor his happiness we my responsibility. I am pretty sure I said those to him too probably. He could marry some new girl, cry a river for me, I didn't care after awhile. I just wanted him out of my life, because seeing his attempts to pour his heart out only annoyed me.

I know what you're thinking. Wow, heartless! The thing is, my intent was to never hurt anyone, I just wanted to look out for me. But he helped push me away and even to this day, over half a decade later, I still wouldn't date him again. We left on good terms months after his pain subsided but I knew my decision was the right one.

For the record guys, he's happily married to someone better suited for him, and I am happy for the both of them.

Please don't pester your ex. No one has a crystal ball, but in my experiences (I've had many in the relationship dept) you need to look at it like this:

NEVER put yourself on hold for someone else. But if you want to have a little hope they'll come back, that's okay and it's normal. But the only way you'd EVER have a chance with them again is if you totally remove them from your life you you from theirs, until you're 100% ready to look at them as a friend possibly dating other people.

And focus on YOU! You have to rewrite an entire book and throw the rough-draft away totally.

And who knows, you could end up finding someone even BETTER for you in the process! Life is funny like that (you don't feel it now, but it happens more often than you'd think.)

And don't worry. If it was a good relationship, no matter what happened during the break up, you'll always be remembered. I don't dislike my ex, and remember our time fondly.

Today, I am friends with a few of my ex's: both dumpers and dumpees. The pain DOES go away

January 28, 2014

And focus on YOU! You have to rewrite an entire book and throw the rough-draft away totally.

This is key imo. I keep asking the question, "what can I learn from this? what was my part? how can I become a better person as a result?"

the answers come if you give it time, space, NC and listen quietly.

January 28, 2014

Exactly right, jphcbpa.

I see a lot of people yearning for their ex. I'm doing it myself right now.

But the only way to be a good partner for anyone, whether it be an ex or otherwise, is to hit "restart". On a relationship, or on ourselves.

People fall in love (or lust, or interest) with us when we least expect it. Why? Because its at those points we are at our best, focusing on ourselves and living life and putting out great vibes.

That's why blocking out exs and working on ourselves always leads to happiness.

Even if they ex doesn't come back, you'll be too content to care

January 28, 2014

Exactly right, jphcbpa.

But the only way to be a good partner for anyone, whether it be an ex or otherwise, is to hit "restart". On a relationship, or on ourselves.

Even if they ex doesn't come back, you'll be too content to care

I know that I did everything I could while in the R and even offered to work on it with her at the end. She chose to go on her own. At that point, there is nothing more I can say or so. I can leave the R with my integrity and self respect with NC. Deep down I know that was not about me and I cannot take it personal. Once I reach a point of ambivalent indifference I will have grown a ton. Either way, I will be better off than before.

January 28, 2014

Your post is good.

What stands out to me the most tho is you offered so much false hope listening to him all the time you created so much more pain trying to help him "cope" if you had completely left his life he would of healed a lot faster, people that get dumped reach out but it's so painful when the dumper listens with care it really does offer a fake hope.

January 28, 2014

omei, you're 100% correct.

At the time I was new in dating so I thought that's how it went. plus it was hard to see the pain I put on someone I cared for for so long.

Its a tale of caution for dumpees, though. No hope is easier to digest than false hope.

January 28, 2014

This is an excellent post. Not to be too dramatic, but I remember reading a book once where the story goes that soldiers in WW2 coped with war by losing all hope of survival. They could function at a higher level than those clinging to the fear and dreaded thought of dying. I truly believe the ability to let go and lose all hope of reconciliation is the key to healing faster and moving on. I know it's easier said than done but if you can convince yourself along with NC, it's the path of least resistance.

January 29, 2014

This is an excellent post. Not to be too dramatic, but I remember reading a book once where the story goes that soldiers in WW2 coped with war by losing all hope of survival. They could function at a higher level than those clinging to the fear and dreaded thought of dying. I truly believe the ability to let go and lose all hope of reconciliation is the key to healing faster and moving on. I know it's easier said than done but if you can convince yourself along with NC, it's the path of least resistance.

Well eventually you think to yourself "I've got nothing left to lose" By holding on to hope that your ex will come back, you instill that fear within yourself. That.."what if they don't?" But when you get it through your mind that they won't, the reality is easier to accept, it puts you in control, and it aids in moving on. Honestly, sometimes the build up is worse than the actual event. Fighting it only makes it worse.

Some people also say "Expect the worst, hope for the best". Expect to hit your lowest of lows, you can only go up from that point.

January 29, 2014

I have been on both sides, too.

The last one was awful because my ex didn't break up with me, but did the space thing. I, foolishly, thought that he was taking space to deal with practicalities when he emailed me and he told me he was reexamining the whole relationship. He used the time apart as a means to get himself to a better comfort level with the breakup, and I ended up dumping him. I didn't want the break up, but I had to hold boundaries because it was the second time he had done this to me. (the first time, he came back and he owned the same type of stuff he did this time around, very insightful, very sincere, very apologetic, so I let him back in.....we reconciled for five months and then his commitment issues and emotional attachment issues reappeared same as before, it was very confusing. We were SUPER close, he was an amazing boyfriend, and then, he turned it off as if he flicked a switch).

Really weird to be the dumpee forced into the role of dumper.

So the final break up didn't come until I told him that he needed to face his own issues and stop playing out this pattern and then, he just bolted and blamed me. It was pretty cowardly. The worse part is that he had been taking months to get himself to a good place and couldn't seem to get why I might still be upset since I wasn't informed of the truth of what was going on.

I contacted him, briefly, four or five times during the first three weeks of the breakup. And, then stopped. I didn't try to chase him or convince him to come back this time. I called him out on his behavior when it first happened as it was totally appropriate to hold him to account for his manipulative behavior. But, I didn't try to convince him to come back. And, I contacted him twice while I was very very ill with pneumonia for a couple practicalities (once crying, not about him but about some serious stuff going on, I wish I hadn't). I was near hospitalized and he knew how sick I was and the other issues going on in my life and he didn't call or ask how I was....and I realized how little this person must actually care. It went a long way to waking me up to where I really stood with him, the hard part was realizing he most likely was playing games all along and that my judgement was so off about him. That was disturbing.

I am not contacting him anymore nor do I plan to again. I am not tempted any more. He is like someone I do not even know.

January 29, 2014

Ya but I don't want the pain to go away from them...that's why I pester.

January 29, 2014

... I am not tempted any more. He is like someone I do not even know.

To me, this is the most surreal part of breaking up. I shared the most intimate experiences of my life with someone for such a long period of time and now, they're almost like an illusion. It's a very strange feeling. If I saw her now, I'm not sure what I would say. I know that I don't want a relationship with her, not even as friends. I replay memories of closer times and it's a very odd, surreal kind of experience. I actually find it fascinating for some reason.

January 29, 2014

To me, this is the most surreal part of breaking up. I shared the most intimate experiences of my life with someone for such a long period of time and now, they're almost like an illusion. It's a very strange feeling. If I saw her now, I'm not sure what I would say. I know that I don't want a relationship with her, not even as friends. I replay memories of closer times and it's a very odd, surreal kind of experience. I actually find it fascinating for some reason.

Agreed. It is surreal. I spent 3 years with her. Saw her nearly daily. Talked every day. Took vacations. Met my family. Involved with my son. So many memories. Much, much sex. Ran in to her last week for first time in 2 1/2 month. She was almost like a stranger.

January 29, 2014

It's very surreal isn't it I'm carrying mines baby, I saw him in the street yesterday, he looked right through me and I just felt repulsed by him, the face I used to adore SO much left me feeling cold....it's horrible how things change.

January 29, 2014

I agree that NC is the best thing for the dumper but it's much easier said than done. You don't exactly think rationally immediately after a LTR breakup.

January 29, 2014

I agree that NC is the best thing for the dumper but it's much easier said than done. You don't exactly think rationally immediately after a LTR breakup.

Oh, no doubt. The head swims with emotions of every kind after a break up, especially if they were the one being broken up with.

But that is why I created this thread. I myself am just out of an LTR, and have kept NC. And I see him...every day I go to class.

It is hard but not impossible. Every time I feel the need to say anything to him, I think "What could come of this?" "Am I reaching out because I genuinely do need to, or just to get my 'fix'/feel validated?"

If someone left you, nothing you can say will change their mind. If it does, problems will likely resurface if enough time hasn't passed. And if they wanted you back, they'd be the ones to text you and say it. These are what dumpee's must keep in mind to keep themselves grounded.

January 29, 2014

If someone left you, nothing you can say will change their mind. If it does, problems will likely resurface if enough time hasn't passed. And if they wanted you back, they'd be the ones to text you and say it. These are what dumpee's must keep in mind to keep themselves grounded.

so true. plus if they come back the same person, the same problems will surface. if they come back you need to hear, "this was my part, is what I did to work on me, this is what I will continue to do for me and for us"

January 29, 2014

so true. plus if they come back the same person, the same problems will surface. if they come back you need to hear, "this was my part, is what I did to work on me, this is what I will continue to do for me and for us"

Exactly. My past two relationships I went back. The one guy was a jerk, I believe he was bipolar but he would always approach me nicely after a break up and then become heartless. I think he was just lonely.

My most recent ex, we had a 3.5 week "break" stint in the summer because he felt confused. Admittedly, he was showing signs from the very start of not being sure of what he wanted but we both mutually liked each other and wanted to be together regardless. The rush wore out and he was confused. But after we missed each other we got back together.

You have to properly fix what was wrong or wait until timing is right, or it'll fall apart again.

4 months later and 4 months of me feeling like I took a back seat to his friends and everything else, he drops the bomb that he can't do this and that he can't just stay with his first forever. Same thing he told me the first time we split.

I've seen it happen A LOT on this forum from lurking. And, just as everyone before me, I felt my RS was different...and like everyone else before me, I was wrong.

You have to properly fix what was wrong or wait it out. Going right back is like using duct tape to fix a broken bridge.

Edited January 29, 2014 by Musing

January 29, 2014

You have to properly fix what was wrong or wait it out. Going right back is like using duct tape to fix a broken bridge.

they old relationship is dead. imo, both parties need to have grown during the NC period for it to have a chance down the road.

for me this looks like, taking care of me, growing, asking myself questions about me, keeping the mirror on my part, take my own inventory, letting go, surrendering her, pushing forward, helping others, self love, self respect ect.

the bottom line is either way, if I keep growing, I will be okay regardless of if she comes back or there is a new R in the future.

January 30, 2014

I'm not sure if it matters in the end. I've always gone NC (before I knew what it was) and didn't go psycho or anything. Did it make any difference? I'm not friends with exes and don't talk to them. But a couple of dumpers have acted psycho and A grade Aholes, just because they could.

January 30, 2014

I think a lot of times when it is over with a girl, she had built up so many reasons why she is breaking up with you that it may be impossible to ever get back with her. If you continue to talk to her, it will only drive her further away and generally you continue to make the same mistakes which made her want to leave you in the first place.

Nothing you say will change the dumpers mine - its been made up and calculated. It sometimes appears to come out of the blue but really its probably been going on in their head for months. Either way, I'm a strong believe in once the relationship is over its over FOREVER. There will always be that though of how that person hurt me in my head and I really doubt there is anything I can do to forget that scar they left on my heart.

In the end, NC is the best for yourself because you will appear stronger, will focus on yourself and avoid any additional pain necessary. Sure sometimes it can work in getting back your ex, but I think the chances are very very slim.

Edited January 30, 2014 by lauri

January 30, 2014

I think a lot of times when it is over with a girl, she had built up so many reasons why she is breaking up with you that it may be impossible to ever get back with her. If you continue to talk to her, it will only drive her further away and generally you continue to make the same mistakes which made her want to leave you in the first place.

Nothing you say will change the dumpers mine - its been made up and calculated. It sometimes appears to come out of the blue but really its probably been going on in their head for months.

This is so true. When I heard the words come out of her mouth. All I asked was, "this is a workable situation...would you be willing to work on this together?" She declined and at that moment I knew there was nothing else I could do, say or offer. I walked out that day and been NC ever since. I knew her and knew that she was not one to make quick decisions. She was one to ponder things for weeks, silently. This is probably why I was feeling so insecure/needy (I felt that way, she did not say that) in the last 3 to 4 weeks...she was pulling away and I could feel it on a deeper level.

January 30, 2014

Yes i could also feel mine pulling away - on a purely subconcious level. I think that is why I hit her.

I hate no contact. It sucks. I can't wait for like a year to pass and then I can contact her again.

January 30, 2014

Yes i could also feel mine pulling away - on a purely subconcious level. I think that is why I hit her.

I hate no contact. It sucks. I can't wait for like a year to pass and then I can contact her again.

Trust me, you won't care about a month, yet alone a year.

For me NC is about the best thing happened to me since... Ever.

Not only I feel better regarding chicks, I became nonchalant to much other problems going on.

If the 'hit her' part means you slapped her, most likely there won't be another chance.

Edited January 30, 2014 by erklat

January 30, 2014

The dumper should get nothing from the dumpee except silence. If the dumper wants anything they have to pull out all the stops to get your attention, otherwise you are plan B.

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